Getting mixed signals..

[little ramona]

I really just wanted an outsiders opinion but since I needed to choose I thought I'd ask you guys..

So, the story with me and this guy is not simple. It started years ago.. He has always been kind of a player and I knew it the first time we met (had some mutual friends). He "chased" me for months before even getting a kiss. I wanted to take things slow cause I thought he might break my heart. Then he started acting like he was serious with me. He told me he loved me and we dated for a while before I found out he was seeing others at the same time. After that I didn't want to see him for a while at all and finally told him I wanted to be just friends. He started dating someone else.

After 6 months they were still together and we met at a birthday party. We talked for quite a while and got a long amazingly well. After that he started texting me, just asking how my day was going etc. He told me he was still in love with me instead of his girlfriend but I turned him down, saying I didn't want to be the other woman or anything. A few months went by and they broke up. We didn't actually date again but had a few one night stands.. I got a funny feeling he was still kind of into his ex and didn't want things to get serious between us. I decided it was better for me and him both if we let things cool off at least for a while. Then I met an awesome guy I started seeing, fell in love and dated him for 18 months or so. During this time we didn't see each other much but stayed friendly.

Finally, I broke things off with that other guy (just because we weren't happy together anymore so it didn't have anything to do with my ex). Approximately one month after I started hearing from my ex again. He had just started his service in the Finnish army. We have been keeping in touch ever since and I care about him probably more than I should cause the thing is.. His behaviour is really unpredictible and all over the place..

On the other hand:
1. We have "casual sex"
2. When we go out in a group he usually seems to be more interested in his friends and drinking than being with me (which is not always a bad thing, I don't want u to think I'm that needy of course we don't need to be together all the time, I just think I should have at least a little bit of his attention if he's really into me..)
3. He sometimes flirts with other people (also not THAT bad cause I do the same.. not as much I think but still..)
4. It might take him forever to answer a text and sometimes he doesn't do it at all (again, I'm not the kind of person who answers right away either and I text him quite rarely.. also I understand he's busy being in the army and all but if he really thinks about me a lot then he shouldn't just forget to text back, right?)
5. He doesn't really go around bragging about it but he has told his army friends about me. "I'm hitting that" or something like it.. And nothing else.

But then again:
1. He does sometimes call me during his weekend holidays and ask me out just for a beer/coffee and doesn't try and make move or anything. Just an hour or two of chatting and then a kiss goodbye.
2. When we're out he is focused on his male friends, not female.
3. I'm pretty sure he hasn't had sex with anyone but me for a while now.. Why? Cause usually when he's not out with me I still know where he is or who he's with (I don't even need to ask anyone, we just share so many friends and people always talk).
4. He does text me just to ask how I'm feeling or to tell me about his day.
5. He's not exactly the kind of guy who tells his friends how he really feels so even if I asked them (and I'm not going to ) I think the real answer wouldn't be as simple as "I'm hitting that".
6. He did invite me to be his date in this huge party for soon-to-be officers

I'm really confused here. I have no need to be with this guy 24/7 and I understand he has his own life. He needs time to be by himself and with his friends and so do I.. But I'm really starting to fall for him so I would appreciate your honest opinions.. What's going on in his head? Is he trying to play me? Does he really care about me or am I some kind of a back-up plan? Should I just end things now or see where this leads (if anywhere)? I thank you already

[smackie9]

Stop falling for him. You are just trying to convince yourself that he could actually turn out to be this guy you want him to be.....NOT! I can see the cons tipping the scale here but you don't want to see that, rather make excuses for him by saying,"well I can live with that I guess".....No you can't live with that, your feelings for this guy is blinding you of better judgement. You will be deeply disappointed about it later my dear. Your love won't change him or fix him. He is that player dude, that knows what to say to the ladies, knows how to make himself desirable by acting "untouchable". All this stuff about him not answering his texts right away, flirting with others, paying more attention to his friends and ignoring you is a technique players and pick up artists use. It triggers a chemical in the female brain that makes them see the dude as more desirable. And as you can see......it's working very well on you.

[little ramona]

I actually appreciate the fact that you're being honest and agree on a lot of the stuff you just said.. There are just a few more things..
To be honest I think I've been giving him the same treatment, "playing along" and all.. And that's why I'm wondering why doesn't he keep this just in the sex? Why go this far for a girl who could be in it with no strings attached (I mean that's what I think I've let him see)? I'm not trying to fix him, I've known him for 5 years now and I know damn well he's always gonna be basically the same person even if he does grow up a bit.
And the other thing.. If I'm gonna end things I don't know how.. Should I have "the talk" when we're not even in a relationship? Should I just ignore his calls/texts/whatever (I am going to run into him in the future, that's for sure..)? Or should I just treat him the way I do now and the next time he makes a move on me just say "no"? And when he asks me "why" what can I say? "You never knew this but I genuinely liked you and got tired of your games"? Sometimes he really does piss me off but I still care for him.. He might be a player but he's also a friend.. I don't want him to hate me or anything.

[smackie9]

You are still going back and forth on your feelings here. You owe him no explanation. If you do get into it, you are just putting it out there for a relationship hoping he would respond positively....kinda like giving another shot....you just cant let go. I don't believe for a second that you were just playing along....in the back of your head you were hoping you could have the relationship of your dreams with him. You need to be more honest with yourself. Your feelings are altering the reality of what is going on. Guys are your friend, in hopes to have sex with you...that is all. Guys are not emotionally attached like the way you do with them....far from it. Don't be surprise he just fades away from your life when you tell him there is no way you will ever have sex with him again.Seriously it will be no great loss. You need to focus on your life and your needs ....you are wasting pernicious time with this guy.....time you will never get back. Time to let this all go so you can find someone who will truly be your soul mate and commit to you 100%. Hanging onto this guy is dead weight.

He's not going to hate you......he's not going to care, he has others that get can get what he wants from.

[little ramona]

Well, first of all you clearly know the type but you don't personally know this guy. And where I come from I have male friends just as good as female. And I have known this guy for 5 years now and he has honestly been a good friend to me when it comes to talking about my problems. And he has been telling me some really confidential stuff. I almost feel like I can trust him 100% as a friend but not at all if I'm dating him.

But now the stuff I came here to write about: This weekend got real messy. We were in a bar with our friends and I knew he would hit on me. He did. So I got the opportunity to say no and speak up. He asked me if he wasn't good enough anymore. "No", I said. "You have always been good enough but I can't trust you. I'm looking for something real and what we have is not making me happy so I'm letting you go. I'm sorry but it's better if we don't see each other again." He tried to say something but I didn't want to listen so I left really fast and went straight home. He's been trying to call me ever since. Yesterday I got this message saying "I wanna make you happy, whatever it takes." And his friends have told me he has seemed pretty depressed and is probably gonna have to take some time off the army. I don't feel good about this but I still haven't returned his calls and I don't think I will cause I wouldn't know what to say. I think he's honestly sad but now he just wants what he can't have. It's gonna wear off, I hope. Otherwise I'm even more confused. :/

[carl1222]

Most men fear rejection ... players thrive on it.

Most men are looking for love ... players simply pretend to be.

For the player, the thrill of the chase and ultimate conquest is all that's important. Nothing is more exciting to them than turning a "no" into a "yes" through charm and persistence.

Keep this in mind and you will understand how his mind works.

[smackie9]

He is depressed because his ego got hurt and not because he is losing you......being found out and dumped is something he isn't used to.You did good. You need to find someone that doesn't feed you a bunch of stuff to make you believe he cares. It's all a facade.....that's how he plays his game.

I worked with a bouncer that had 6 girls going. He even let me read their love letters. They were like trophies to him. One night 2 found out about each other when they both showed up at the same time....he was all bummed out over it, his big fat over inflated ego was hurt.....he didn't care about any of those girls emotionally, only cared about himself. Hell he even tried to put the moves on me. He was a piece of work.

[little ramona]

Thanks guys, I think I really need this right now since my friends say I shouldn't give up on him and it's making me confused.
And Smackie, forgot to mention this before but by "playing along" I didn't mean really thinking I could be in this without any emotion or anything.. Just that I haven't been always returning his calls/texts and when we're out I focus on my/our friends more just like he does.

So I got a long text from him again last night going pretty much like this: "I know I'm an asshole sometimes and you probably deserve better but I really want you around. I know you don't want to get too involved since I'm in town only for the weekends now but you really mean a lot to me. I'm so f*cking scared of you blowing me off again so I've been trying not to come on too strong.. You're so different from all the girls I've met. You're strong and wild and independent. Sometimes I think nothing makes you shatter, not even that huge sh*t you've been going through lately. I really do spend a lot time thinking about you and I miss you like hell. I only feel alright when I'm with you. Our history is pretty complicated so I don't expect you to trust me right away. But I hope you realize you're the only girl for me."

He hasn't been with other girls for at least 6 months, I'm pretty sure about that. But he's still the same guy he was years ago so that doesn't change much. I haven't answered him yet and I don't know if I should. There are some things I would like to say to him and it feels kinda mean to keep him waiting after that but texting back just isn't easy right now. Should I wait for a while to clear my mind a bit? Or should I tell him exactly what I think right now?

[smackie9]

His reaction is quite normal....you make yourself desirable by being "untouchable". The challenge is there and that is what pushes him. Remember he has said this stuff all before. But hey its up to you if you want to give him a chance or explain how you feel.....you play this game by your own rules not his.

[little ramona]

Ok so I answered him and feel pretty good about this right now.. In case you're interested this was my text: "First, I'm not saying this cause I'm mad at you. I'm saying it cause I know what I want and what I don't want. So you might wanna read this very carefully. You're right, you are an asshole. Unfortunately you just happen to be my favourite asshole. I really like you and that's the exact reason I'm having second thoughts. I don't trust you for one bit when it comes to a serious relationship. I'm sick of you trying to play me and I think you've noticed it's not working. Also, you being in the army makes it even more difficult for us to have anything real. So I don't want to have any physical relationship with you for AT LEAST 4 months. If you want someone to just bang once in a while with no feelings what so ever, find someone else. But I think you've noticed no amount of casual sex can ever replace what you're missing. So IF I think you really have matured after you finish your service I might give you another chance but I can't promise anything. Until then you can do what you want for all I care. And FYI, I'm gonna keep my eyes open and if I meet someone great I'm not gonna let my feelings for you ruin that possibility. In case that happens I'm sure you're gonna respect my relationship just like you did before. I still care deeply for you and I have nothing against us being in touch. So no hard feelings, baby. I'll see you around."

I guess that's that then. I made up my mind. Thanks for your advice!

[Wakeup]

He'll be back in your pants the first time he calls you after you missing him for a month or so of no contact. Don't go to bed with him when he contacts you or this will just be a wash, rince and repeat dynamic where you're the booty call wishing he would love you and be your boyfriend.

You "have nothing against him being in touch?" Why would you torture yourself like that?

[smackie9]

Sometimes it takes baby steps to finally let go.....

[Wakeup]

For those who like torture, and drama I suppose that's true.

[Alex2]

Why dont you just ask him?

[smackie9]

Kinda like quitting smoking....you know it's bad for you, but it's so hard to kick the habit.