Does he expect me to be his cleaning lady/cook?!

[gingerjane]

Hi chaps,

I'm getting married in three weeks time, and I'm also 4 months pregnant, with our planned baby. Last night by fiancé came home at 8.30 pm after having a massage after work, and when he saw that dinner wasn't on the table and I was on the computer he interrogated me as to what I'd been doing all evening and implied very clearly that he expected his dinner to be served. I had in fact ironed 10 of his shirts that evening and cleaned the whole 5 bedroom house that morning (I don't work full time at the moment so I had time, but not much energy due to the pregnancy).

I knew he was coming home late that evening so decided to wait for him before cooking as the meal I'd planned was fast to cook. His reaction however made me SO angry, and really quite scared about what he may turn out like in the future. I shouted at him that if he ever took that tone with me again that I'd leave and that if he wanted a cleaning lady/ cook he could hire one. He went quiet and has been sleeping in the spare room the last couple of nights.

I feel like he's been neglecting me during my pregnancy and I expect more tenderness and understanding from him. Am I kidding myself? Are any men like this? Did I over-react? How do we move on from here and should we even get married??!

Any tips and opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[Wakeup]

Just how long did you know this guy before your "planned" pregnancy?

[gingerjane]

Three years. We've been engaged for a year and live in the same house we bought together. It's pretty serious!

[Wakeup]

Then I suggest you sit down with him and calmly tell him how you feel without using words like "you make me feel this or that" and instead use words like "I felt I was going above and beyond by cleaning top to bottom and then feel under appreciated when it's not noticed. (as an example).

You best get it out how you'd like him to contribute now so that if he doesn't agree with your "list" then you can do some mature compromising so that you both have a clear understanding what each expects from the other. You fly by the seat of your pants and you're always going to be disappointed.

Get it solved now before it gets worse.

I'm still trying to figure out why you would plan to have a baby before you were marred? What was the thinking on that one?

[surfhb]

You did the right thing by telling him to f off. If you weren't pregnant, you wouldn't have an excuse but that's a big burden to hold right now and I hope he doesn't pull that again

If so , then you need to hAve a serious discussion .

But not to sound sexist, but cleaning, cooking and ironing his shirts isn't going above and beyond. That's just your job in the relationship. I was mr mom for a couple years so it's not like I'm spouting off without knowing

[HeartIsAching]

Everything that Wakeup said is spot-on. You need to have a clear and frank conversation with him about this - you'll probably need several. Leaving ambiguity at the door will go a long ways towards a good relationship... except if you're totally incompatible in your day-to-day lives, in which case you're better off getting out now.

Wakeup touched on it - what she was talking about using to speak to your fiancee is [URL="http://www.humanpotentialcenter.org/Articles/IStatements.html"]I Statements[/URL]. Click the link to read more about them - they're damned effective.

[reeba]

Planned pregnancy my ass. You BOTH were trying to get pregnant MONTHS before you were planning on getting married? I find this VERY unbelievable.

I know this is 'ask a guy' but you get so much better posts here......

You both are overreacting. If something like this causes you both to react this way, your relationship is doomed.

He is probably tired from working late, comes home, and sees you basically sitting on the couch eating bon bons (OK that was 1970's, the 2010's version is eating fritos while playing on the internet). He has no idea that you did housework for part of the day. And he is probably thinking, 'I'm going to be supporting this for the rest of my life.' Although he does sound rather selfish - coming home at 8:30 after work and a massage and wanting dinner pronto? Did he call or text that he was on his way home?

Yes you are probably tired. But get use to it. The worst is yet to come. Pregnancy is the easy part. So cut your whining down to things that truly matter.

[Vanity]

But not to sound sexist, but cleaning, cooking and ironing his shirts isn't going above and beyond. That's just your job in the relationship.

Uh maybe in the 1950's. Those types of chores were considered the "women's job" because back then most women did not work and the man did all the supporting so housework was expected from the wife. But here in the 21st century women work equally with men. Therefor housework should be equal too. She makes dinner then he does the dishes. He did laundry, she can iron the clothes. ect.

Now I'm not really clear on whether she has a job or not, but she implied she is working part time, and she is also pregnant. It is not fair to expect her to have to do everything which her husband seems to. He also sounds like he might turn out be abusive. The way he was yelling at OP for not having dinner ready. If he does it again I would leave him.

But then you have the baby to worry about. No offense but "planning" to have a baby before you are married seems like a pretty stupid idea.

[gingerjane]

Thanks for your advice. Just to clarify, we got engaged at Christmas and started trying for a baby in May, thinking it would probably take at least 6 months for it to happen if we were lucky (due to almost all our friends and family saying that it often takes a while, especially in your 30s) Anyway, we were very lucky, it happened straight away! Hope that clears up the confusion.

We had a long talk tonight, and I used lots of I phrases. He seems to have taken my feelings on board, but I feel I have a long way to go before we get things really sorted out...maybe we never will, no relationship is perfect right?

[Wakeup]

No relationship is perfect but what you are writing about here is quite easily resolved.

Good luck, hope you have a fast and easy birth and a happy heathy baby to raise in a happy healthy relationship

[smackie9]

Thanks for your advice. Just to clarify, we got engaged at Christmas and started trying for a baby in May, thinking it would probably take at least 6 months for it to happen if we were lucky (due to almost all our friends and family saying that it often takes a while, especially in your 30s) Anyway, we were very lucky, it happened straight away! Hope that clears up the confusion.

We had a long talk tonight, and I used lots of I phrases. He seems to have taken my feelings on board, but I feel I have a long way to go before we get things really sorted out...maybe we never will, no relationship is perfect right?

Communication and a lot of patience my dear.....marriage is no picnic, its a lot of hard work.....please take the time to talk things out instead of fighting.....you have a little one on the way and the stress level will be on the rise with this new responsibility. Children follow by example and pick up things very quickly......learn to work things out and don't go to bed angry.

This is all new to the both of you, in time things will finally settle down when you know what you got yourselves into lol.

[surfhb]

Uh maybe in the 1950's. Those types of chores were considered the "women's job" because back then most women did not work and the man did all the supporting so housework was expected from the wife. But here in the 21st century women work equally with men. Therefor housework should be equal too. She makes dinner then he does the dishes. He did laundry, she can iron the clothes. ect.

Now I'm not really clear on whether she has a job or not, but she implied she is working part time, and she is also pregnant. It is not fair to expect her to have to do everything which her husband seems to. He also sounds like he might turn out be abusive. The way he was yelling at OP for not having dinner ready. If he does it again I would leave him.

But then you have the baby to worry about. No offense but "planning" to have a baby before you are married seems like a pretty stupid idea.

I know, I was assuming she doesnt "work"?

Also I dont think being married matters much here. They both bought the house and are committed. Marriage is just a piece of paper....it takes much more than that and a big ceremony to make a successful marriage

[surfhb]

Thanks for your advice. Just to clarify, we got engaged at Christmas and started trying for a baby in May, thinking it would probably take at least 6 months for it to happen if we were lucky (due to almost all our friends and family saying that it often takes a while, especially in your 30s) Anyway, we were very lucky, it happened straight away! Hope that clears up the confusion.

We had a long talk tonight, and I used lots of I phrases. He seems to have taken my feelings on board, but I feel I have a long way to go before we get things really sorted out...maybe we never will, no relationship is perfect right?

Sounds like things are going in the right direction. Youre going to be dealing with this kind of crap the rest of your life with this man (and he'll be dealing with yours) so get used to it. Actually this sounds like a small pot hole in the road...LOL!