Help...

[lady_bug]

Hi everyone,

I am a 24 year old female . I have been seeing a guy for the past 9 months, however it is working out to be an impossible relationship. We were really good friends, we met while we worked together. We had an instant connection, however I was in a long distance relationship for three years which wasn't going anywhere. One night when I went out with my "guy" friend, we ended up kissing....and that is when it all started. It was ups and downs at the beginning because I was still getting over my past relationship, so I told him that I needed time, and he understood, however he was also hurt by all this. Then we ended up getting back in contact, however he ended up meeting a girl in the mean time. This was a month after we stopped seeing each other. He told me that he needs time to think whether he wants to continue seeing this girl or whether he wanted to give us a chance. I waited for two weeks, but then began feeling like a fool , i mean i understood that i hurt him in the past and that he needed the time to think about us , he was scared i would do the same again. Anyways he ended up choosing this girl, only to tell me a day later that he made a mistake and that he loved me and that he wanted to give us a shot. So I agreed, as our connection was too strong and we both felt the same about one another, we missed each other's company and it felt natural to take the next step. He lives about 2 hours from me, he doesn't drive and we would only see each other every 2 weeks because he goes to the gym all of the other days and if I wanted to see him I would drive to his house all the time. Also, I am the one who always had to call him...and when we go out we always split the bill. Money is not an issue, but he never offers to pay for me.He also has a drinking problem and is a very negative and depressed person.He is shorter than me, and i think that this bothers him too, he always tells me how he never thought that he could have me etc etc...but i fell for him, he is a very intelligent and smart guy, who makes me laugh and we have a lot in common. Anyways the reason im writing all this is because recently i have found out that he lied to me about his age..it was only by one year ...but he lied and that was the last straw for me. I have known him for three years and he never bothered telling me the truth. This hurt me so much, because i actually trusted him and i thought that he was a genuin guy...my best friend..someone i could rely on. He is 29 years old and still lives at home and has no ambitions or goals...he is really feeling down in the dumps and he feels sorry for himself..I mean i tried to help hima nd talk to him about some of his issues, but it doesn't get me anywhere. He tells me that he lives day by day , and tomorrow will bring what it brings.It's been a month since all of this drama, and I thought that I could help him with his problems, and I wanted to be there for him because I trully love him, however this has proved difficult and i wasn't getting anywhere. I am getting to the stage where I need to know if he will grow up and improve his life, set a few goals ...so i confronted him when I saw him on Saturday and he basically was really defensive and he said how I am playing a victim. I mean all of this drama, emotional rollercoaster for myself has been continued for 9 months, and I have realised that I have no strenght to continue on anymore, even though I love him, but he doesn't want to help himself and how can I then help him?? not sure if i mentioned but he has a history with drugs too :-(...EVen though I have also told him everything that bothers me, he just doesn't get it, or just doesn't want to get it? It just doesn't seem like I can go on...I dont know what to do Another big problem is that we still haven't had sex. We have done everything else, but the problem is he tells me that he feels like a midget getting on top of me, and I refuse to get on top as I do everything else...can't he just man up and do something at least? Dont get me wrong, we have done everything else and he pleases me all the time, but having sex and being intimate like that is a lot different and it is required, ... I also feel like he is selfish and stubborn and lives in his own little worlds.......... if i didn't care about him i wouldnt be writing this, and he also tells me that he loves me and that he doesnt know what he would do without me...i always felt like he was my soul mate, but is he?? should it be this hard????.please post and tell me what you all think about this......Thank you all in advance,

[gigigi]

no, it should not be that hard in a relationship...there are so many issues here, i kind of can't believe you're still with this guy. so....1. he's obviously extremely insecure; 2. he has a current drinking problem; 3. he has a past drug problem; 4. you feel that he is selfish and stubborn; 5. he lives with his parents; 6. he has sexual issues....is there really any question of whether you should continue with him? it seems like you have built him up in your head as a soulmate, but when you describe him, there don't seem to be any redeeming qualities there.

[Tutored]

Just what does he do for you? Does he do anything for you? Does he do anything to make you feel good, happy, loved, or cherished? I'm not seeing any "give" on his part - just "take".

[lady_bug]

Thank you for taking time to read my post and for your advice. He knows to say the right things at times and I think that is why I kept sticking around. He is aware of all of his issues, but he doesn't seem to do anything about it and this is now getting really frustrating, especially since he is a 29 year old man, but he is acting like a 17 yr old boy. I have come to realise that I shouldn't have to change or fix someone..maybe I have built this "soulmate" thing in my head, because it felt real..and sometimes your heart doesn't necessary listen to your head. I have had this gut instinct for a while now and I guess I just have to do something about it. I have just found it really hard to say goodbye to him since we were good friends before all of this. Let's just say it has been one BIG emotional rollercoaster and I don't have the strength to deal with his issues any more. I feel sorry for him, and I honestly hope that he figures his life out, because like I said, deep down inside he is a good person.

[chiamarie23]

I agree with Tutored and Gigigi here. You deserve better than that sweetheart. (:

[syrup]

Does he ever do anything to show you that he loves you, I mean you are making all the moves. He has some issues that he needs to work out for himself, he's dragging you down and I wonder what he's thinking. You sound like you are waaaay to good for this guy and if he can't see what he has then you need to tell him how it is and what needs to happen if you two are going to make it work.

[lady_bug]

Thank you . As I have mentioned in my post, he is a really nice guy...also very intelligent but unfortunately he doesn't see this himself. I see all these good things in him even though he has a lot of issues, but I guess i have finally had enough . He treats me well, he has a lot of respect for me, he never puts me down and he is very supportive with what I am doing in life so this is why I have stuck around. However, all of these issues that he has, he tells me that he is aware of it all, but he is not making any changes. I guess he is a depressed person and I am not sure how to help him see the light at the end of the tunnell. He hasn't had a great upbringing and I believe this has affected him a great deal. I mean there is only so much I can reallly do, because like you said, his negativity and all the rest is dragging me down with him..its been really hard. In the end it seems he doesn't want to help himself, so how can i help him? I feel like he is in this big great hole that he can't get out of. I hope that he does...because he would be capable of so many things in life. Thanks again for taking time to read my post and for your reply.

[Yet another guy]

...and when we go out we always split the bill. Money is not an issue, but he never offers to pay for me

How often do you offer to pay for his food?

He is shorter than me, and i think that this bothers him too, he always tells me how he never thought that he could have me etc etc...

I doubt that's about your height, but I bet it has everything to do with his depression. In fact, it seems to me like most of your problems stem from his depression. Have you tried to get him to see a therapist?