have been cheated on

[simmo]

I'm writing here because I'm currently in one of my "despair" episodes. They happen from time to time. I will be going along living my normal life and suddenly it pops into my mind. The fact that my ex cheated on me. Now this only happened to me a like two months ago so it's fresh. I find it incredibly painful. I cannot even think about sexual things. When my friends make sexual jokes I feel pain. When I get aroused I feel pain, be it mental pain. I'm so emotionally hurt by this. I don't miss her that much, it's really just the pain of thinking that someone I trusted so much could do that to me. I was with her for three years. I cannot understand why she did that? Why she did it and tried to hang on to me? Why she lied about it for so long. Why when I knew she still wouldn't admit it and I had to force it out of her? Why she kept doing it? Why she never felt wrong for manipulating me so much? I know things I wish I didn't and I cannot erase them from my mind. I have a therapist but it's doesn't help at all. I fear I cannot connect to anyone on any level anymore. I can't make new friends because the moment I start opening up to anyone I just feel so distraught. There are days where I just want to sleep all day.

I don't know what the point of this post is. Just a vent mostly. Also a warning to those who think about cheating. I cannot describe the pain I am in thoroughly through text. I wish this on no one. It is by far too much for me at the moment. Don't be the cause of this...

[TheTooya]

Personally I would kind of enjoy watching all the cheaters out there get packed in a box and sent to space.

That would be a lot of people... maybe then Social Security won't be entirely ****ed for my generation :3

[xmoe1990x]

I know the feeling bro just happend to me two weeks ago and i feel like the pain is never gonna go away. But you just gotta be strong and keep your head up no matter what. Look at it this way every heartbreak is one step closer to finding the one that is truly meant to be. Your not alone and time will heal everything that's at least what i keep telling myself.

[TheTooya]

Man... xmoe is putting a serious answer, well shit I have to put one too I guess.
--

So this will sound very twisted, sadistic... but hear me out. Be happy that you found out that she was cheating on you. It was painful, sure, but it also gave you immediate closure. It told you that she did not respect or care about you enough.

Be happy, because you will not have to spend another second of your life with her. You will grieve, I'm sure, but you know that you deserve someone better, someone that won't pull this kind of crap on you.

Take life easy, one step at a time. If you have friends around, try to hang out around them. If you have a hobby, try that. I'm sure you will need a lot of time to heal... take all the time in the world, and focus on you. Good luck...

[HeartIsAching]

I hope this helps you...

I'm a former cheater. I've since learned better, but it took me three decades or so. I only tell you so that you'll know that I know what I'm talking about here:

It's not you. It's not your fault. There's nothing you did or didn't do that caused it. Oh, she'll have rationalizations for it that blame you, but it's all bogus. It's her and her fault. Period.

[simmo]

Thanks for all the replies. I've been doing a lot better after I posted this for some reason. This morning I felt happy and excited for no reason for the first time since I can remember. I used to blame myself but the more I think about it the more I realize what an awful person she really was, so I'm starting to come to terms with everything. I'm finally meeting new people as well.

[TJDVAN]

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better about this. I too found out that my girlfriend had cheated on me after two and a half years of incredible closeness, trust and love. The hardest part for me was the fact that she lied about it. But, as others have said, this is the cold, hard truth, and it does help you to move on:

People (and I have been a cheater in the past and know this to be true) only cheat when they are unhappy in their relationship. Which is awful for you, but it means that you were heading for the rocks, and such a shocking end at least means a real end, and not a long, lingering "will we make it, won't we make it" scenario. However hard it is, you have to accept that you were wrong for each other and that spending any longer in that relationship would not have been good for you. And never blame yourself, which can be hard (believe me I know). We all make hundreds of mistakes in any relationship but those mistakes don't matter when you are in a mutually loving relationship. If they do matter enough so that the other person cheats, it is a clear indication that your personalities were not good matches.

So, as shallow as it sounds, keep your chin up and move forwards.

[simmo]

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better about this. I too found out that my girlfriend had cheated on me after two and a half years of incredible closeness, trust and love. The hardest part for me was the fact that she lied about it. But, as others have said, this is the cold, hard truth, and it does help you to move on:

People (and I have been a cheater in the past and know this to be true) only cheat when they are unhappy in their relationship. Which is awful for you, but it means that you were heading for the rocks, and such a shocking end at least means a real end, and not a long, lingering "will we make it, won't we make it" scenario. However hard it is, you have to accept that you were wrong for each other and that spending any longer in that relationship would not have been good for you. And never blame yourself, which can be hard (believe me I know). We all make hundreds of mistakes in any relationship but those mistakes don't matter when you are in a mutually loving relationship. If they do matter enough so that the other person cheats, it is a clear indication that your personalities were not good matches.

So, as shallow as it sounds, keep your chin up and move forwards.

The problem I have with this kind of outlook is that she never told me she was unhappy. I thought she was just as happy as me. She never communicated. And that fact just makes me angry. What if she had? y'know? I could have done something about it. But whatever.

[HeartIsAching]

People (and I have been a cheater in the past and know this to be true) only cheat when they are unhappy in their relationship.

I disagree. I think cheating really stems from insecurity. You do it because it makes you feel better about yourself... because if you can get that girl (or guy as the case may be), you must be attractive.

[simmo]

I do know she was very insecure. The more I analyze her in a "sober" non-manipulated mind, the more I realize how difficult life is for her at the moment and that she really didn't win anything in this situation. She's just better at hiding it.

No contact really does work wonders for thinking about these kinds of situations rationally.

[bluesummer]

I agree with cheating being a byproduct of insecurity. My ex cheated completely out of insecurity, I know. He still feels bad to this day that I left him because he hasn't had anyone better since. Ha ha sucka.

[TJDVAN]

Sorry guys, I just think this idea that people cheat through insecurity is a convenient excuse. Perhaps not when you are first with someone and you have yet to build a foundation as a couple, but once you have that mutual respect and love for one another, it doesn't matter who offers themselves up for a night of passion. If you are happy and in love with the person you are with, I do not believe you would ever cheat on them. For the simple reason that security is what you have when you love and trust someone with all your heart, so why would you be insecure about yourself?

And simmo, when you say you feel frustrated because you were not kept up to date with your girlfriend's feelings, I know totally what you mean. After my girlfriend left me two months ago, it took her a further 6 weeks to tell me that she had been staying at work late every day so that she could be alone when the other staff had gone and cry for 10 minutes before coming home because she didn't want me to know she was sad about our relationship. I am as angry as I am heartbroken that she couldn't tell me and that I couldn't help her in any way, even if that had meant doing the noble thing and falling on my sword to let her go. But the truth, cold and hard again, I'm afraid, is that you cannot change the past. It hurts because you feel you might have been able to do something to make all this all right. But you didn't get that chance and it has gone now. It's not your fault, and you should try not to blame your girlfriend either. I'm sure she did what she felt was right.

[Cerby]

People (and I have been a cheater in the past and know this to be true) only cheat when they are unhappy in their relationship.

I disagree. I think cheating really stems from insecurity. You do it because it makes you feel better about yourself... because if you can get that girl (or guy as the case may be), you must be attractive.

Some people just have low self control and a high desire for sex. Some do it because they're unhappy or insecure, sure, but other people are just simply assholes who cheat because they don't care or because "Its only sex".

[Mykee]

It's weird but I almost wish my ex had cheated on me, because I would have had 'closure'.

At the moment, she gave me some wishy washy excuse that her feelings had changed. If they had, then they can change back right? So it keeps me hanging on.

[simmo]

It's weird but I almost wish my ex had cheated on me, because I would have had 'closure'.

At the moment, she gave me some wishy washy excuse that her feelings had changed. If they had, then they can change back right? So it keeps me hanging on.

It might of affected you differently, but I did not take it well. I truly wish the pain I felt on no one.