How to make the pain of a broken heart stop

[deemarvo]

Hi,

I'm Martyn and have had my heart broken this week. I've been through this before, but its never hurt this badly before.
I struggle to keep myself together. Feel very weak and confused, as well as the normal hurt feelings of sadness, anger and a sense of being lost.

I just wanted to know if anyone has any tips or good advice they could spare me. Advice to stop the pain or at least ease it.
Its been several days now since it happened, but it seems to be getting worse. There is an actual pain in my chest. I'd also like to know how do you control your thoughts. Really I should be happy the relationship ended as I went through hell sometimes, but all I can think of is the good times and how much I miss the things I did have.

I've setup a little website to record my thoughts and feelings, I thought it would help so I wouldn't keep things bottled up.
I'm not sure it is.

Thank you for reading,
Martyn

[Toddstar]

I am not sure who sent this to me, whether I got it from this site or not but it doesnt matter; I saved it on my phone and read it two, three...many times a day and it's the only thing that gets me through. Hope it helps:

Its tough, you'll go through ups and downs.. Stop talking to her. She made her choice. She's making bad decisions now and u don't need to be dragged into anymore of them. This person is not worth your time. Apologize to yourself for getting involved with someone who couldn't see your value. It's her loss. Say to yourself "she's a different person, she's gone, but im okay with that". I have accepted my relationship with her is over and, whether I like it or not, it is what it is. I have accepted it.

[deemarvo]

Thank you for those words, I shall keep them handy and read when my mind looks back. Which will be a lot at the moment. The only thing is the last line, I have accepted it, I want to but cannot at this time. The feeling I had last week are still exactly the same, only been augmented with more hurt and sadness.

[archangel]

I recently had a similar situation. Last week as a matter of face. And it still hurts. I still think of her, and quite a bit.
The way I decided to deal with it? Just give it time. It's an old cliche, "Time heals all wounds" What you are missing is the potential of what might have been, and what you wanted to be, part of why you still remember the good times. That is what the pain comes from. It's not easy, but you have to adjust your expectations. Stop believing that you will be together. Let go of that hope that things will work out. The relief usually comes in distraction. Hard to do because your thoughts constantly stray from what you are trying to do. Seek out friends. TRUE friends. The ones that know the most about you, and hang out with them. (Or family if you have any close siblings or parents) Another cliche is "An idle mind is the Devil's playground." Don't be idle. Do stuff. And who knows,, you just might find someone else that needs you just as much as you need her.

I don't believe apologising to yourself will help, (might be a start), you should forgive yourself. The times I went through this i would think, "stupid me, what did I do wrong?" or "damn that was stupid, I shouldn't have done that" And forgive yourself for not feeling better. Too often we blame ourselves for things we couldn't control in the least. Accepting the things we know we can't change is another toughie, but possible with time. Let go. No person knows the future. She might come back tomorrow (not likely) but it is not impossible. One last cliche "Nothing is impossible. There are only degrees of probability" This means that for every action there is an infinate number of reactions. From the far positive to the extreme opposite end of negative. False hope is another reason we feel the pain. Real hope is that you WILL find someone, forgive yourself, have acceptance, and whatever happens life goes on. The sun will rise tomorrow, and if it doesn't you have bigger problems.

Good luck!

[deemarvo]

Thank you for the message. Time does heal I believe in that, its just getting through it that I'm finding very difficult.
I don't think I am hoping for me and her to get back together. In my mind this is for the best, but its the memories
and the feelings that are now missing that is making things hard.

You're right about being idle, but at the moment work is quiet, don't have many close friends, both of my true friends
are unable to see me. As for family I've got a great mum and dad but not got that type of relationship where we can
talk with feelings, or thats the way I see it.

Your message is something I'd say not too long ago. Be positive and look to the future. I've just had the wind taken
out of me, I just hope I can recover. As the say the night is the darkest just before the dawn.

[simmo]

Try to focus on the negative qualities about her. Also stick to NC. It really helps. Block her on facebook. Make it impossible to see her face. Delete her number so during moments of weakness you cannot contact her. If you work, engross yourself in it. If you study focus intensely on that. Take time with getting to meet other people. You need time to grieve when and you're ready to go out and join clubs for example, you'll know. Try to think about something you have always wanted to do for yourself. And do it. For me, focusing on the negative qualities and no contact really helped.

[deemarvo]

Thank you for the message. I completely agree that I should have no contact, out of sight out of mind.
I've not kept anything from her or anything that reminds me of her. Just got the memories left, good and bad.
I just can't seem to focus on the bad times. But there are so many memories, songs, tv, places, movies and
Even certain words that trigger a memory. I know getting through this is going to be very tough, I just hope
I'm up to it

[headsashed]

only advice i can give really is no contact,as you said,out of sight out of mind,yes its tough and it will be for a little while. Think of it this way,for every minutes that goes by is 1 minute closer to happines,you WILL NOT hurt forever. So when you get up in the morning you will be another lets say 8 hours closer to getting over her.
Which ever road you chose mate good luck,its hard but keep your chin up and know we're all here for you if you need to talk

[archangel]

True test of character isn't if we fall, it's how long it takes us to get back up. The no contact thing is a good idea too.
One thing that helped me was be flirty. Harmless compliments to women you might see every day or when ever you do your mundane activities. When I make someone else smile, I feel like the king of the world. Couldn't hurt for you, and who knows, that person might have needed that at that time too. In any case it sounds like you have a good outlook (Your message is something I'd say not too long ago. Be positive and look to the future. I've just had the wind taken out of me, I just hope I can recover.) I think you can. Get back to being that guy. Statistically there are over seven billion people out there, over half of them are women. True you will never find someone like her, but I am sure that there is someone better!!!

KEEP THE FAITH BRUTHAH!!

[Blahblahblah19]

Toughest thing in life man. What I do is make a playlist on my ipod of songs that sum up my feelings. Then I listen to it and just let out all emotions. Also talking to someone about it helps. Knowing that someone knows how you feel may help you realize that there are others that care about you. Heartbreak is the worst and there is really no one way to deal with it, but letting your emotions go will be a great place to start. Just keep yourself busy, start reading a series or do some volunteer work, anything to keep your mind off of your heartbreak.

[deemarvo]

Thanks for the messages, all contain valuable advice and are much appreciated. I just have to keep telling myself that its happened and that I most move on with life. That things will get better. Just at the moment my mind wont listen as its lost.
I just dont feel like myself, just an empty shell. I fear that I'm going to be this way for quite a while, but I do know one day I will no and everything will be better than now and hopefully better than before.