Really need help on how to break it off.. (advice on dumping a low self-esteem girl?)

[craisin]

I've known for a while that I've wanted to get out of my current relationship, but it's really hard to find a chance, and I'm always very scared of the outcome. I've finally decided I really need to though. I'm just not happy, and in fact, completely down about what this relationship has become. I find my girlfriend extremely irritating and completely annoying now. It's gotten so bad. She does things that bother me so much and when I beg her to stop, she simply will not until I have to push her off of me and then she cries about it. She can't go a day or even a few damn hours without seeing me and there's so many other thing I could write about but it's not worth even typing. I just want to end it.

I shouldn't have gotten into something with someone so immature, but that's the lesson learned I guess.

Worst part is, she's gotten very violent lately. We've been together for about 8 months, but as of the last few, whenever we get into a fight and is escalates, she starts pushing me and then will slap me in the face, scratch me, even bite me, hit me any way she can for no good reason. Our fights are always about something stupid. And almost always erupt from an action of hers. I can't take this violence. The whole relationship is draining on my mental and physical health. The thought of being single and maybe even with anyone else makes me extremely happy.

So I know what I must and want to do, but it's gonna be a huge speed bump for me. She's more than in love with me, she's obsessed with me. She's told me hundreds of times I'm the best thing in her life and the bets thing that ever happened to her, etc. (when in reality, she's just a typical young girl who hasn't had enough serious long-term relationships to know any better, because our relationship is utter shit). Like I said, can't be without me for a day. And she has pretty low self-esteem and a history of self-harm. I'm worried she might really hurt herself or attack me (this makes me sound like such a wuss, but I can't believe I'm serious) and I don't want to physically fight her.

I would really love to have the decency to break it off in person, but with her explosive anger and how violent she has gotten towards me and my property in just little fights, I'm very afraid to do so. I feel like I'd have to do this over the phone, and maybe have a note prepared that I can drop in her mailbox or something long beforehand and tell her to go read it (reason for the note would be to get everything out. I tend to forget everything when I have to say it to someone.)

Is the note a bad idea? I guess it might just give her leverage to call me back up and detest anything written in it, or just pick a fight.

I also have a small problem which is my sister's car is parked at her house while my sister is out of the country for a year. I live in an apartment where there aren't enough extra spaces to leave another car parked 24/7. I fear she might trash the car out of rage and I can't think of any good way to get the the car first. She's used to seeing me every day, and she's pretty much always home unless she's with me. If I show up and take the car, she'll know what's up, that might initiate a fight which would just lead up to the break up. Best thing I can think of is getting a friend to drive me there. I don't want a friend to get involved and have her pick a fight with them in person or later over facebook just because they were there, but this might be my only option.

Ugh, I could type for hours, but it's not worth it. bottom line it I just need to end this already to be happy and I'll have to sacrifice her happinness. I just don't want her to kill herself or something.

Anyone had any experience like this before? Any advice on dumping someone with low self-esteem? Has anyone ever had a dumpee kill themselves over them???

Any insight on how to initiate the whole thing would be nice too. Even just some support to help me build up the courage to do it and get over it would be awesome.

[rjg117]

Okay, here is my advice.

First, get a friend involved. Tell your girlfriend that your sisters car needs to be serviced and so you need to take it to the mechanic. Get a friend to take you there, pick up the car, and tell your girlfriend that you're going to hang out with your friend for a bit (this will make it easier to say that its best she doesn't come with you). Once you've got the car in a safe place, go IN PERSON and talk to her. If you're afraid that she might turn violent, have your friend outside with a car ready to leave. Possibly talk to a mutual friend or a friend of hers, and let her know what has happened (she is going to need some support).

At this point, try to stay out of her life. You can tell her you still want to be friends if you like, but keep contact at minimum. She is not your responsibility and you need to look after yourself first and foremost - so don't feel responsible if she does anything stupid. She has her own life and she makes her own choices. Don't let that affect you.

Lastly, perhaps it might be best to break it off softly when you do. Don't tell her its because she is clingy and violent. Tell her that you just don't feel that the relationship is going anywhere and that your feelings for her are no longer there etc.

Anyways that is what I would do.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

RJG has a pretty good plan. My only change to it would be to call her and break up, since she's been violent recently. Keep it short. Call her up and tell her it's just not working, she's clingy and she's violent, and it's time to end the relationship, hang up, do not respond to any further contact. It's harsh but it needs to be done like this, so everything is clear and she doesn't think she can reason with you.


Edit: I didn't see the last part of his advice. Do not be soft, do not say you love her, do not say she's a great person. She'll take all of this the wrong way, and think there is still hope. If you want her gone, cut her off.

[Blahblahblah19]

Okay, here is my advice. Honestly every girl knows when their relationship is not as great as it once was, so if you do break up with her, she, though may act like it, will not be completely shocked. Also, if she's taking advantage of the fact that guys cannot or shouldn't hit girls and is hurting you, then right upfront bring that up. There is no excuse for violence in a relationship. While breaking up with her, try not to pick out her flaws, that will only make her more insecure, just simply say your feelings are not the same and that you need time to think things over. This way she can't call you an asshole for insulting her.

However, be very careful about breaking up with her. From your description it seems as though you are very confident you want to end the relationship, but please be careful because this just may be a phase you're going through. The worst thing you can do is dump her, and then regret it. So make sure you have truely thought about being without her and that is exactly what you want. If yes, then you need to break up with her. Pushing it off will only make things worse and harder for you. But I say good luck and do what's best for you! Hopefully this helped!

[jb1111983]

I'm sure there are 101 ways to kill a duck, or a sheep (in New Zealand). As far as I'm concerned there's no soft way to dump someone. It never feels good. You wanna do it, just do it.

[TheTooya]

tl;dr

Note is a bad idea, phone bad idea.

If you are truly worried about her temper, ask to meet up at a coffee shop. Do have the decency to break up in person. If you care about her, breaking up any other way will leave you feel shittier.

Oh yea, it will feel shitty. It will feel really, really shitty breaking up. It might help to give yourself a pro/con list, for two reasons:

1. Reaffirm to yourself why you are breaking up (don't back down once you start.)
2. Give her reasons why things aren't working, and why they can't work.

If you are worried about her self-esteem/ego... #2 is very important. Give her resolution as to why you are breaking things off. And honestly, tell her there is no chance that either of you can get back together. Make the break-up as clear and clean as possible. Let her put her word in, she deserves that much... and she will be hurt. But don't back down, and don't, by any means, give her a moment to hope that you will go back to her.

:/ I personally always go no-contact.

Good luck mate

[HeartIsAching]

It's good that you recognize her violence as unacceptable. The note is definitely a bad idea, a phone call is better, but as The Tooya pointed out, a public place F2F would be best. If she gets violent there, just look at whoever's behind the counter at the coffee shop (or wherever) and ask them to call 911. With lots of witnesses, there's damned little chance she'll manage to pin it on you.

You don't need to tell her why, beyond the fact that you're tired of her abusive behavior and have had enough.

[TheTooya]

You don't need to tell her why, beyond the fact that you're tired of her abusive behavior and have had enough.

I am going to vehemently disagree here.

She needs to know the WHY, especially since she believes he means so much to her. Not giving her the closure she deserves is just cruel.

[Wakeup]

I am going to vehemently disagree here.

She needs to know the WHY, especially since she believes he means so much to her. Not giving her the closure she deserves is just cruel.

Isn't telling her that you are tired of her abusive behaviour letting her know why? I agree, she should know so that she has a chance to reflect and hopefully get the help she needs to become a better human in general. Op would be doing that if he told her that he had no feelings left for her due to her abusive behaviour. ~ That would be a "why."

[TheTooya]

Isn't telling her that you are tired of her abusive behavior letting her know why?

I was focusing on the words "You don't need to tell her why". But, yea, pointing it at the abusive behavior (and backing it up, even giving examples... ) will do it

[MaidenMinx]

She does need to be told that the violence is not on. She does not need to be told she is clingy, whiney, obsessive etc etc etc, that will obliterate her self esteem.

Keep it as simple as, I am not going to be in a violent relationship. I do not trust your ability to control yourself. She will try to tell you she can change and to give her time. Tell her you believe that she believes that but you don't have the patience for it any more.

She will try to tell you she can't live without you. Seriously dude, not your problem. Do NOT let her emotionally manipulate you like that. If she uses that line, tell her she did a fine job of it before she met you.

I could be very wrong, but I don't think she is as emotionally fragile as she makes out.

[craisin]

Thanks for the advice guys! Unfortunately, meeting at a public place is not really possible since she doesn't have a car. I'm her ride anywhere. That's why I'd have to dump her in front of her house, or over the phone :/

I've already made a list of pros/cons, it keeps growing as I remember different things. I may tell her some, but obviously I have to very selective. But I also feel like telling her things that she needs to improve will just imply that I will get back with her once she fixes those behaviors.

I definitely want to let her know I feel like I need space, my free time back, to be my own person. She has yelled at me saying that I only think about myself. Which is sort of true, I only WANT to think about myself. I hate having to consider someone else's needs/desires all the time when making decisions on where to go, what to do, etc. I need to be an independent. This is why I've felt like she's been holding me back for a long time. And she drags me down with her negative attitude when we go out all the time. She knows I think she holds me back, but I've never said that flat out, and if I did, it would definitely get some fire going.

And thanks MaidenMinx, I definitely DO NOT want her to emotionally manipulate me like she has. Unfortunately (and I'll have to get past this) she really is that emotionally fragile. One little thing can set her off. And then she always tries to rectify with sweetness and being cute afterwards, but I can't take such a jerky rollercoaster anymore.


Anyway, I really have only one friend (my best friend) I'd feel comfortable enough letting get involved in this issue, and luckily he's the only one I've mentioned this too anyway and he said he saw this coming and supports my decision. I'm sure having him there will help me have the confidence to go through with this.

I'll check back in here tomorrow, and post any progress. In the meantime, any and all other advice/insight is still appreciated (especially if there are any female opinions out there - any low self-esteem girls that can share experience on being dumped?). Thanks everyone

[bulrush]

She sounds like she may not think clearly, so be sure to use the words "I never want to see you again. I will be dating other people." I think she will get the hint.

Also assert your rights, not with words, but with actions. You have the right not to be assaulted. What she is doing is assault. Never ever see her alone, always bring a friend with a video camera that is rolling when you see her. If she asks what the video camera is for, tell her it's for the police if she gets violent, and leave it at that. Always bring a cell phone with you to use for calling the police.

Stop being a wuss. With your witness present, if she hits you, call the police and press charges. You can drop the charges later, but at least get an official record of her violent behavior. People like this will not stop until the police get involved.