Why must love be so complicated?

[paper*hearts]

Background info:
My (ex)boyfriend is 23, and I’m 22 and we’ve been dating for almost 3 and a half years. During this time, he has become my bestfriend, and I know I’ve become his. We are alike in many ways, but very different in many ways as well. We also trust each other very dearly.

A month ago:
This whole conumdrum started a month ago. He asked if I thought we should go on a break..this hit me out of the blue. He said he was very confused and wasn’t sure whether we should be together or not. One thing lead to another, and I suggested that we break up if that was what he wanted. He hesitated, and then agreed to it. Ever since, we have not tried contacting each other. I was heartbroken and confused..I wasn’t sure what the reason of the breakup was. I thought that it was over between us and wanted to move on, but I missed him and I had this dying curiosity to find out the clear reason to our breakup. Each time I wanted to contact him, I stopped myself, because I felt like I was giving in..I felt that he hurt me, and thus shouldn’t be seeking him.

Three days ago:
Eventually, I couldn’t stand it any longer and I contacted him. I felt I needed to know the reason in order to fully get closure and move on. We met outside his house and I asked him why we broke up..and his answer was “I don’t know”. He explained that he didn’t want to breakup..he wanted a break to think things through, but that I pressured him to make a decision and breakup. Then I told him that, then, naturally, he’s had time and space to think about our relationship over the past month.. and he said that he hadn’t because that was the difference between a break and a breakup for him. In a break, your thoughts are about the person and the relationship. But in a breakup, he said that he tried to block all thoughts of me in order to save himself from pain..that was his way of dealing with the breakup.

One thing lead to another, and I ended up staying the night. We talked, hugged, kissed, cuddled each other to sleep..and then had sex the morning after. I did not plan for this to happen, but I knew there was going to be a possibility of this. I feel a little ashamed that I let it happen, but at the moment..it felt so right. I've never slept with anybody who was not technically my boyfriend..was it wrong for me to have slept with him?

We shared that we really missed each other and he tells me he still loves me. However, when I asked if he wanted to get back together, he said that he did..but just doesn’t think we should yet. Especially cause the issues that lead him to want a break were never thought through and resolved. At the moment, I’m not really sure where we stand..I feel as if now, I’m just waiting for him to think and decide whether he wants to stay in our relationship. It’s been a few days since this happened, and I haven’t talked to him since. I think I may keep it this way until he’s ready to talk to him..although I have done some reflecting that I do wanna share with him.

My own reflections:
He said that the past 3 years have been sorta surreal to him, because they passed by him without him even noticing that it’s been 3 years. And now he feels the need to reflect what he wants and whether I could be “the one”. I feel as if instead of letting things take their course, he’s overanalyzing things..but at the same time, if I’m not “the one”, then I need to know. But what if it’s this overanalyzing that is killing our relationship?

There's more that I could talk about..but I feel this is long enough and wish to hear some input before I continue with my thoughts.

Thank you very much for reading this.