"I need time"

[dcxbabe]

Gonna try to summarize...I was dating my guy for almost a year, and I acted ridiculous/childish/dumb, whatever. I put him through a lot of unnecessary bull----. 3 weeks ago we had a fight and afterward he said he needed some time, at least a week. Week went by, called him, and he said he didn't want to be in a relationship, with anyone, right now, among other things. He said he didn't want to dedicate that much time to anything that was not school/work. He is in his 3rd year of college and works a lot too. So anyway... I had been reaching out to him the past 2 weeks, either by facebook message, text, or calls, and I was apologizing for the past and promising a brighter future. He had not really reached out to me, other than a few FB pokes, short messages, or whatever. 2 days ago I went out with my friends since I had been a hermit. I was just starting to semi-accept it/be positive about it. That night he texted me and he ended up coming to pick me up from where I was and we went back to my place. We had sex..k. So the next day he leaves. I didn't text/call him that day. So today I called him, asking had anything changed now, and he said no. He said he did not regret what happened with us, that he had a great time, but that he also knew that this would happen (me wanting to talk about it and see if anything had changed) and therefore felt a little badly because he didn't want me to get upset.

Ultimately, this is what he is saying. He says he loves me, always has, and that I have been on his mind and that this hasn't been easy for him either. He says that he needs to focus on the bigger picture of school and that he can't have anything get in the way (I feel like an obligation ) and that he doesn't know how long he needs but he needs it. I have tried EVERYTHING to convince him to change his mind, promising that things will be different and better, saying that he doesn't have to dedicate an excessive amount of time to me, but that I just want us to be together, and be able so speak to eachother when we want. He won't budge. He is telling me to try and have a positive outlook. When I bring up my concerns, like him moving on from me, dating other girls, etc he says that it goes both ways, that I could do the same thing, but it's a risk he has to take because of his priorities. He doesn't think we should talk though, as I get upset every time.

1) What does it mean when a guy says he needs time?
2) Is he being honest or does he not know how to say "Deuces"?
3) Am I being played?
4) Do guys generally use THIS excuse when trying to end it or is he being genuine?
5) What is the best way for me to go about this? How can I get him back?

I have broken up with someone before, but I didn't lie to the person saying "I love you, still think about you, it's hard for me etc" so part of me is hopeful on that part...I am not a guy so I know guys think differently. Ugh...this has been the hardest thing to go through. I have been in misery for 3 weeks. Help :'(

[searock]

I think he's being honest when he says he still has feelings for you, but it's also quite clear that he is breaking up with you. It may sound like an excuse or a way to say it "kindly", but I've actually broken up with my ex bf using very similar words, and I meant them. Move on, go on with your life. If he changes his mind, he'll be the one who'll come looking for you.

[HeartIsAching]

He's done with your trainwreck of a relationship.

Now you see what game-playing childish bullshit gets you.

The only way I see anything changing is if you GO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP, and let him know you're doing something active about your problems. I am certain you've promised those same things before and nothing's changed. He's heard it and no longer believes it.

[dcxbabe]

1st poster - I thought this was ask a male? Unless you're gay, in which case, I'm asking about what is going on in a straight guys head. 2nd poster - Wow, thanks for being rude...unnecessary. You should really be more tactful.

Can anyone answer 1-5 with real answers/advice please?

[HeartIsAching]

I'm about as real as it gets.

[dcxbabe]

I'm about as real as it gets.

Answer the q's for me...?

[HeartIsAching]

I put my advice baldly so you'd pay attention.

The only thing you can do is something real that might convince him you're making a change - seek professional help. If you do that and let him know, he might be up for giving you another shot... otherwise, it's likely he's done.

[dcxbabe]

PM me please...

[dcxbabe]

ugh...i can't respond til i have 15 posts...wtf

[HeartIsAching]

You only need 4 more.

[Wakeup]

He says that he needs to focus on the bigger picture of school and that he can't have anything get in the way (I feel like an obligation ) and that he doesn't know how long he needs but he needs it. I have tried EVERYTHING to convince him to change his mind, promising that things will be different and better, saying that he doesn't have to dedicate an excessive amount of time to me, but that I just want us to be together, and be able so speak to eachother when we want. He won't budge. He is telling me to try and have a positive outlook. When I bring up my concerns, like him moving on from me, dating other girls, etc he says that it goes both ways, that I could do the same thing, but it's a risk he has to take because of his priorities. He doesn't think we should talk though, as I get upset every time.

He can't get much clearer with you. it's over, done, bubbye. Don't contact him anymore so you can learn to live without him.

You may have been dumb, selfish, ridiculous but I'm thinking even if you didn't act that way, he'd be breaking it off. He's told you why now learn to accept that you can't always have your own way. If you keep trying to contact him then you're once again showing him that you're selfish, ridiculous and being dumb to throw yourself at someone who has told you that they don't want a relationship with you.

1) What does it mean when a guy says he needs time? In your case, it doesn't mean what you're hoping it means.

2) Is he being honest or does he not know how to say "Deuces"? What? He's being honest with you.. He doesn't want a relationship with you. He's told you that so why would you think differenty? A guy that wants to be with you will not break up with you.

3) Am I being played? No! You need to accept your own actions and quit thinking your some kind of victim.Guys don't break up with a girl they want to play, they keep them around for booty.
4) Do guys generally use THIS excuse when trying to end it or is he being genuine? Yes, he's being genuine, he wants you gone from his life. Whether he's lying about why he does or not is irrelavent.

5) What is the best way for me to go about this? How can I get him back? The best way for you to go about this is to go no contact and try your best to get on with your life while you anticipate that you'll never hear from him again and if he actually wants to be with you he will contact you and tell you he made a mistake. In the meantime while you're not anticipating his return, get yourself into some self-improvment classes so that you learn not to be childish, ridiculous and dumb. Then if he calls he'll notice the improvement and if he doesn't, then you'll be a better dating partner for the next guy. Don't throw yourself on him or blow up his phone with texts... you'll just totally convince him that he's better off without you. Also: If he contacts you for string free booty don't do it or you'll just think yourself some helpless victim while all along you are a volunteer for what you'll get, which is the title and place holder as his casual piece when it suits him.

Be the best you that you can be..

P.S.

1st poster - I thought this was ask a male? Unless you're gay, in which case, I'm asking about what is going on in a straight guys head. 2nd poster - Wow, thanks for being rude...unnecessary. You should really be more tactful.

Can anyone answer 1-5 with real answers/advice please?

It's Kinda clear why he's gone if you normally act so calous, childish, ridiculous (jeeze those terms keep surfacing around you) and abusive to people who are simply posting a response to what they can plainly see from your Opener.

[searock]

1st poster - I thought this was ask a male? Unless you're gay, in which case, I'm asking about what is going on in a straight guys head. 2nd poster - Wow, thanks for being rude...unnecessary. You should really be more tactful.

Yeah I think I'll agree with the "you need professional help" thing. Good for him to get out, I'm amazed he waited so long!

[dcxbabe]

I was just asking if the poster was male...and I wanted a straight guys opinion, sorry. 2nd poster was harsh; I didn't even dive into things I said/specific ways I acted before he said I needed professional help. You can't say that until I either give examples or you actually meet me. Maybe I should give more details, as this situation is tricky.

He is 30, I am 24. I don't mind age, but maybe it played a role; I don't know. He has definitely had more life experiences than me (can give details if needed) however, I am always told that I am mature, well grounded, and intelligent. Now you may say "Friends/family are just telling you those things because they care about you"; I don't only hear this from those people.

Basically, when we started dating, I had just gotten out of a long term, 5 year relationship. I probably should have taken more time for myself, but I didn't because I thought I was ready. I don't know if that was a factor, but I basically did not act like myself while me and the guy in this story were dating. He was intimidating to me, very good looking, and although I have self confidence, I was afraid of women stealing him away, because I know that women are manipulative, psycho bitches . That being said, to summarize, I saw texts he and his ex from years ago/girl he's known since kindergarten had, and I did not like the interactions. To me, as a RESPECTFUL woman, you do not talk a certain way to someone that you know is dating someone (she knew we were dating). Anyway, every time I asked him he assured me that it was not like that, that although they dated, that was over and done with and she's like a sister to him. I acted wrongly and would sneak a look at his phone when he wasn't looking. Yes, wrong, childish, stupid, I KNOW. I am not at all saying what I did was right, I know it wasn't. Anyway, I would also get upset when we couldn't hang out as much as I wanted to. I was not aware of how busy he was with college/work (I just started college, and I already work, and I now see just how busy he is...too late unfortunately) and would take it hard. Ugh, I just can't even tell you how mad at myself I am. Trust me, I am not like "Hmm, why did this happen???" but he swears up and down that it has nothing to do with those things. He is very direct, straight forward. He is not afraid of hurting my feelings. He says how he feels. So that is why I am trying to be positive. He says that it ultimately comes down to needing to dedicate time to school, above everything else, and then work. He says he can't give me the time I want and therefore is trying to do the right thing by stopping it for now. He says he did not regret seeing me the other night, that he had a good time, but he just regrets getting my hopes up for us to be back in a relationship right now.

In our 2 long phone conversations over the past few weeks, he swears up and down that it is not me. He says there is not someone else, he doesn't want to date ANYONE right now, that he still loves me, and always has, and that it hurts him too but he knows he has to do it. In reference to your comment "Wakeup" about not contacting him, I did for the most part. He actually was messaging me things, and I would reply then. The whole first week I did not text/call/message him AT ALL. I gave him that time. It was only after he contacted me the first time that I replied back. Like I was saying, on this past Friday, I went out with my friends, and had been giving him his time. He texted me that night wanting to see me, and I obviously obliged. Even today he is poking me on facebook, though that doesn't maybe mean a lot but when I broke up with my ex, I completely shut them out, and definitely didn't initiate anything.

Please don't judge me too harshly. I do not judge any of you. People that come on these sites usually feel hopeless, and don't know where else to go. They want unbiased, real advice. I know my faults, I know I am not perfect. But give me a chance; try to understand where I am coming from. I truly am confused, I just want advice. Please ask for details on him/me/us so that you can understand fully before giving a blanket statement (I'm not saying anyone did, I'm just genuinely throwing that out there) Thanks again.

[Wakeup]

He says he can't give me the time I want and therefore is trying to do the right thing by stopping it for now. He says he did not regret seeing me the other night, that he had a good time, but he just regrets getting my hopes up for us to be back in a relationship right now.

He's keeping you on the hook while not being in an exclusive, monogamous relationship which means if he has time he can hook up with whomever he wants to.

If you do the booty with him again you're telling him that you're fine to fvck when he deems it while he doesn't give you much else. You actually left your friends to fk him last Friday.. Don't do that again, doll. You're telling him you're accepting a non-exclusive sexual relationship with him if you do. Are you okay with being non-exclusive booty?

If he calls to be with you again late at night with no warning get him to define just what he wants. Come right out and ask him if he wants this to be booty calls only because that's what he's constructing it to be. Then listen to his answer and be damn bloody sure that you can handle it. Personally, I don't think you can if you're as jealous as you say you are. Remember, you're not committed at this point.

Think hard on this because it's very hard to withstand being demoted to a friendwithbenefits from a fully committed, exclusive girlfriend I'd imagine.

[HeartIsAching]

I was just asking if the poster was male...and I wanted a straight guys opinion, sorry. 2nd poster was harsh; I didn't even dive into things I said/specific ways I acted before he said I needed professional help. You can't say that until I either give examples or you actually meet me. Maybe I should give more details, as this situation is tricky.

He is 30, I am 24. I don't mind age, but maybe it played a role; I don't know. He has definitely had more life experiences than me (can give details if needed) however, I am always told that I am mature, well grounded, and intelligent. Now you may say "Friends/family are just telling you those things because they care about you"; I don't only hear this from those people.

Basically, when we started dating, I had just gotten out of a long term, 5 year relationship. I probably should have taken more time for myself, but I didn't because I thought I was ready. I don't know if that was a factor, but I basically did not act like myself while me and the guy in this story were dating. He was intimidating to me, very good looking, and although I have self confidence, I was afraid of women stealing him away, because I know that women are manipulative, psycho bitches . That being said, to summarize, I saw texts he and his ex from years ago/girl he's known since kindergarten had, and I did not like the interactions. To me, as a RESPECTFUL woman, you do not talk a certain way to someone that you know is dating someone (she knew we were dating). Anyway, every time I asked him he assured me that it was not like that, that although they dated, that was over and done with and she's like a sister to him. I acted wrongly and would sneak a look at his phone when he wasn't looking. Yes, wrong, childish, stupid, I KNOW. I am not at all saying what I did was right, I know it wasn't. Anyway, I would also get upset when we couldn't hang out as much as I wanted to. I was not aware of how busy he was with college/work (I just started college, and I already work, and I now see just how busy he is...too late unfortunately) and would take it hard. Ugh, I just can't even tell you how mad at myself I am. Trust me, I am not like "Hmm, why did this happen???" but he swears up and down that it has nothing to do with those things. He is very direct, straight forward. He is not afraid of hurting my feelings. He says how he feels. So that is why I am trying to be positive. He says that it ultimately comes down to needing to dedicate time to school, above everything else, and then work. He says he can't give me the time I want and therefore is trying to do the right thing by stopping it for now. He says he did not regret seeing me the other night, that he had a good time, but he just regrets getting my hopes up for us to be back in a relationship right now.

In our 2 long phone conversations over the past few weeks, he swears up and down that it is not me. He says there is not someone else, he doesn't want to date ANYONE right now, that he still loves me, and always has, and that it hurts him too but he knows he has to do it. In reference to your comment "Wakeup" about not contacting him, I did for the most part. He actually was messaging me things, and I would reply then. The whole first week I did not text/call/message him AT ALL. I gave him that time. It was only after he contacted me the first time that I replied back. Like I was saying, on this past Friday, I went out with my friends, and had been giving him his time. He texted me that night wanting to see me, and I obviously obliged. Even today he is poking me on facebook, though that doesn't maybe mean a lot but when I broke up with my ex, I completely shut them out, and definitely didn't initiate anything.

Please don't judge me too harshly. I do not judge any of you. People that come on these sites usually feel hopeless, and don't know where else to go. They want unbiased, real advice. I know my faults, I know I am not perfect. But give me a chance; try to understand where I am coming from. I truly am confused, I just want advice. Please ask for details on him/me/us so that you can understand fully before giving a blanket statement (I'm not saying anyone did, I'm just genuinely throwing that out there) Thanks again.

2nd poster (me) was harsh because often here people need to hear things said that way to get their attention. Things that are glaringly obvious from your initial post - I didn't need to meet you in person or hear the details to understand that you needed professional help, mainly due to the training I've had - MY OWN professional help. The things I saw in your first post were glaringly obvious because of that professional help.

BTW - there's a vast difference between mean and blunt. I wasn't being deliberately mean, just blunt, and that was to get your attention.