Nothing Works for me.

[Franklin]

Hello everyone. It's been a while since I posted on this board. I'm a 21 year old male college student. I have never been on a date, kissed, nor had a relationship. Throughout grade school and my freshmen year at college women have always told me that I am the worst looking man they have ever saw and treated me as such. This is partly due to an ear deformity I was born with. I have a wide variety of interest in football, basketball, professional wrestling, video games, rock music(I might take a guitar class on campus next year) .

I have offended a lot of women just by starting conversations with them. Most of the time I can easily tell by their body language that they are disgusted because I noticed them. I didn't say anything weird nor disrespectful. They were offended because someone who looks like me had the nerve to speak to them.

I've always been confident when speaking to people, not just women. People are people. Knowing how to talk to women has never been a problem. I try to be a good guy, not a nice guy who kisses ass. I've never been an ass kisser.

I've made many changes in my life to help improve my situation. I must accept some of the blame. I didn't present myself very well until a few years ago. Everything will be explained.

People think that I am funny and easy to talk to. I wasn't very social outside of class during my freshmen year in college. I started to become more social outside of the classroom. l my following year on campus. I got more involved in social activities. My job on campus makes me interact with more students so I'm meeting new women almost everyday. Currently I'm president of an organization on campus.

I'm a slim guy. I work out at the school gym and workout by using weights that I own. I am well groomed. I weighed 150 pounds my freshman year. By the end of my junior year I weighed 175lbs.

My clothing style during high school and my freshman year in college wasn't very attractive. I mostly wore sports apparel. I changed my style during my sophomore year. Women in my age group compliment my clothes, women outside of my age group think that I dress like a dork. I've been told that I only attractive when I wear suits, but that isn't very reasonable. It would be very socially awkward to always wear suits during casual occasions. Some women have said that they don't like that I wear glasses. That cannot change because I am medically unable to wear contacts.

I'm black. I refuse to live my life as a ghetto stereotype, and because of this a lot of black women in my area see me as weak. That lifestyle and culture isn't for me. This seems to turn off a lot of women. A woman told me that I would be attractive if I would act "black" instead of being myself. Personally I prefer white women. I know that puts a sour taste in some people's mouths that I'm not interested in dating black women. I don't care because I like what I like.

As I said earlier I was born with an ear deformity. In a last ditch effort I started having consultations with plastic surgeons. Last year I had my ear deformity corrected that was mostly paid for by my insurance, so yes it is a real deformity because insurance companies would not had paid for it otherwise.

I have standards just like everyone else. I don't need a girl to be a super model to make me happy. I do ask girls to be clean, smart, social, in shape, and to dress well.

Despite improving myself. My situation hasn't gotten any better. Women have told me that I have no sex appeal and little to anything to offer in a relationship. I'm social, smart, funny, caring, dress well, clean, in shape, etc and none of that works for me.

[PainfulLonging]

Do the best you can with what you've got it and if you gave it you're all you're taking the cake when you go home.

[MerryH]

Franklin, I remember your other posts on this subject and I also remember the photos you posted. With that in mind:

I have offended a lot of women just by starting conversations with them. Most of the time I can easily tell by their body language that they are disgusted because I noticed them. I didn't say anything weird nor disrespectful. They were offended because someone who looks like me had the nerve to speak to them.

You are projecting. The vast majority of women would not be offended that you simply tried to talk to them. There's no reason for them to be. People talk to each other all the time and it's very normal. If you didn't say anything weird or disrespectful, then I can assure you that those girls likely were not offended that you spoke to them. Most people are not that vain or uptight. Try to change the way you perceive people.

That ear "deformity" really did a number on you, didn't it. You said before that you were teased about it in school, right? That really sucks, and I'm sure it was awful for you, but a lot of people were made fun of by mean kids. You have to move past that. I think you're still holding onto what those mean little shithead kids said about you instead of letting it go, and realizing you're an adult now and besides, your ears have been "fixed." There is nothing wrong with you, physically.

Read these links:
[url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection]Psychological projection - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/url]
[url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder]Body dysmorphic disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/url]

And see if those relate to you at all. Then go talk to a counselor, even if those don't apply to you. Your thinking is a little off.

Despite improving myself. My situation hasn't gotten any better.

Are you just waiting for women to come to you? Have you made any moves on women recently, like flirting, asking to hang out, etc? Please don't avoid this question. You'd probably get some help if you answered it.

[Franklin]

@MerryH

My thinking is not off. If you think women or men always nicely reject people then you are clearly living in a fantasy world.

Body Dysmorphic Disorders applies to people who are not ugly and have potential partners. Women telling me that I am ugly is not a disorder.

Secondly, women have been offended by me trying to speak to them. I have plenty of stories about women saying comments about me. For example, this happen during my freshman year in college.

I was in the food court buying some food. 3 young girls were behind me in line. One girl asked her friend if she was checking me out. The girl responded "hell no, he is ugly as hell". The 3 girls proceeded to call me dumbo and ugly. I've never met these girls in my life. I got my food and left.

I walked up to one girl. She was offended. She rolled her eyes at me. She didn't have anything to say to me. Her facial expression had a disgusted look.

I've been to many counselors. They all advised me to get corrective surgery, and I did it a year ago. They said that I do not have any disorders. I am a healthy normal person.

Are you just waiting for women to come to you? Have you made any moves on women recently, like flirting, asking to hang out, etc? Please don't avoid this question. You'd probably get some help if you answered it.

I make moves on women. They show no interest in me. I've asked women out and they may say something rude, ignore me, walk away, tell me that they'll think about it and never say anything else to me, etc. I know how women show interest in a guy. There is a girl at work and I pay attention to how she acts towards men she is attracted to, and I am always right about the guys she is attracted to.

[smackie9]

It's your vibe you give off man. It's what you project is what they find ugly or what makes them uncomfortable. I have seen unattractive guys just light up a room with their happy go lucky positive glowing personality, and women actually find them charming, despite their looks. Maybe you are dull, dry, or a little pushy when you converse with them.


I guess if nothing works all that is left is to work towards having good financial status. Nothing more attractive to women than a man with money.

[MerryH]

Blah. I had a somewhat lengthy post typed up, but then I realized that nothing I say is going to make a difference. Then I went back through your posts and noticed that there isn't a single question mark in either of them. If you want advice, then ask for it. I doubt anyone is interested in having a back-and-forth discussion with you about your personal issues unless you want help and are willing to change things.

[Franklin]

It's your vibe you give off man. It's what you project is what they find ugly or what makes them uncomfortable. I have seen unattractive guys just light up a room with their happy go lucky positive glowing personality, and women actually find them charming, despite their looks. Maybe you are dull, dry, or a little pushy when you converse with them.


I guess if nothing works all that is left is to work towards having good financial status. Nothing more attractive to women than a man with money.

That isn't my problem. My personality if fine. Women tell me that I am funny, charming, charismatic, fun, smart, etc. They tell me that they like my personality, but dislike what they see.

I won't accept any woman regardless how she looks if she only wanted my money.

Blah. I had a somewhat lengthy post typed up, but then I realized that nothing I say is going to make a difference. Then I went back through your posts and noticed that there isn't a single question mark in either of them. If you want advice, then ask for it. I doubt anyone is interested in having a back-and-forth discussion with you about your personal issues unless you want help and are willing to change things.

I have made many changes in my life, internally and externally. Nothing has ever worked for me. I dress well. I workout. I am social. I make women laugh. I don't have social problems. I am not scared to ask women out or simply tell them that I am interested in them. What do you expect a person to do when typical dating advice does not work?

[smackie9]

well lets see a photo so the rest of us can see what they see.

[bulrush]

Franklin,
You don't need these shallow women that judge you on your looks alone. You need to find someone who is less shallow. When I was in high school and college, most women were pretty shallow, they judged on looks alone. I was a buff body builder back then and declined many advances from women, because their shallowness turned me off. They didn't know me and simply judged me by my looks. Try to be patient. It's going to be a while before you find a nice woman who likes you for you.

In the meantime, can you cover your ear somehow? Maybe with a hat? I guess most hats I think of won't cover the ears. And a do-rag on your head will make you look gangsta, which you said you didn't like.

Just a hint, I have found people who work at non-profits to be a bit more open-minded. Try looking for women at a peace group or something. The other thing is, women don't want to be seen with you because THEY fear judgement by their peers. Again, this goes back to most young women being insecure and shallow. (Though there are a few exceptions.) I guess things haven't changed in 20 years.

[iamsin]

I hear you. This must be really tough and I have a lot of sympathy. OK, you may not be blessed with a nice looking body but not everyone is. Even really ugly, fat people get married and have kids. You can find someone, not to say I can promise it, this is a harsh but true fact, I myself just came out of a relationship and I can't see myself with not one man! So I may end up alone and this is a fact we should all accept so we don't beat ourselves up if we never end up in a happy relationshp. The good news is, it's not likely that you won't find someone. After all those harsh facts, I think I can give you some advice which is much nicer to hear. Something can be done about every situation and if you really want something and you continually strive to get it, eventually you will have it. You are only 21, no need to rush, although I understand it's not nice to be alone and I understand your anxieties. These girls do sound pretty shallow to me. But maybe they're just being honest, I can't judge them as I've never met them. I would say the best thing you can do is to not beat yourself up, focus your attention on being successful in life and happy without a relationship, what are your goals? Go for those, what do you want to be? Focus on that, meet new people, make more friends and develop those relationships, go out with them, invite them round and have a good time, take up hobbies, get regular exercise and look after yourself. I am certain if you do this you will just happen to find the one along the way and it will all fall into place effortlessly. You will exude more confidence, your smile will be bigger and brighter, you will feel in a better mood towards others and towards yourself and you won't feel needy, I do believe if you feel you want something but you don't feel you HAVE to have it, you will get it anyway. Good luck! Do well and I hope this was helpful.

[MerryH]

What do you expect a person to do when typical dating advice does not work?

I would expect them to not argue with advice given to them and to try to understand that they are not a special unique snowflake for whom "typical dating advice" does not work.

[Franklin]

well lets see a photo so the rest of us can see what they see.

I'm not comfortable posting a picture at the moment.

Franklin,
You don't need these shallow women that judge you on your looks alone. You need to find someone who is less shallow. When I was in high school and college, most women were pretty shallow, they judged on looks alone. I was a buff body builder back then and declined many advances from women, because their shallowness turned me off. They didn't know me and simply judged me by my looks. Try to be patient. It's going to be a while before you find a nice woman who likes you for you.

In the meantime, can you cover your ear somehow? Maybe with a hat? I guess most hats I think of won't cover the ears. And a do-rag on your head will make you look gangsta, which you said you didn't like.

Just a hint, I have found people who work at non-profits to be a bit more open-minded. Try looking for women at a peace group or something. The other thing is, women don't want to be seen with you because THEY fear judgement by their peers. Again, this goes back to most young women being insecure and shallow. (Though there are a few exceptions.) I guess things haven't changed in 20 years.

What? I said I had corrective surgery.

Just because I am black does NOT mean I have to look like a thug.

[Franklin]

I would expect them to not argue with advice given to them and to try to understand that they are not a special unique snowflake for whom "typical dating advice" does not work.

I wasn't arguing to you. I explained to you in details about the comments I have received from women. I also told you that I have been to counseling on many occasions.

[Cerby]

I'm not comfortable posting a picture at the moment.

I think your own self esteem problems are your own undoing. You project even through your original post that you have a who pile of things wrong with you, that people have told you this and that, but you haven't really reinforced yourself at all.

You won't even let a forum of strangers see what you look like. . .you can't hide that from the real world.

[Franklin]

I think your own self esteem problems are your own undoing. You project even through your original post that you have a who pile of things wrong with you, that people have told you this and that, but you haven't really reinforced yourself at all.

You won't even let a forum of strangers see what you look like. . .you can't hide that from the real world.

What pile of things wrong about me? I'm not arguing. I'm just asking.

I currently don't want anyone I know to find my pictures on this board. There's nothing wrong with this board. I don't want people who I know, to know about my personal life.