Needing good advice about a girl that I love.

[kobester]

Alright so I met this girl online (who is 31 I'm 26) started off just texting then moved on to meeting up and hooking up. This goes on for quite a while we are both very lovey dovy she says she loves me I say that I love her basic boy meets girl scenario. Anyway after not being able to come over when she wants me to once she stops talking to me. I try talking to her but nothing. When I do get a hold of her she just says that she has been busy. Finally get invited over again after quite a bit of wondering on my part we hang out with some of her friends from her apartment building. She goes silent again then I ask since i'm getting paid if I can come over and hang out since I will have the money she somewhat agrees. When I show up she is surprised to see me but lets me stay. Her and I drink and watch videos online till a friend of hers shows up. Towards the end of the night he leaves and I end up staying with her cause I don't feel well. Anyway after sleeping a bit I get woken up to her taking care of herself she asks me to help to which I do. I leave then come back the next day to find my wallet, we end up talking she explains that she has had a much older and pretty much rich boyfriend this entire time that is taking care of her and her family financially. She says she still has strong feelings to me and makes romantic gestures saying she is still attracted to me mentally and physically. She doesn't want to stop seeing me though she wants me and her to be friends but she wants to focus on being loyal to him. The 50-60 year old rich white guy that is living thousands of miles away and hasn't been there since I've known her which was back in late Feburary.

So what I'm asking is what would cause someone to do this? Is there any hope for me beyond just being her friend? Cause for a reason I really don't know I still have strong feelings for her, and she has shown (at least I think) that she still has strong feelings for me

Better??

[MerryH]

She picked her boyfriend over you. I'm not sure what else you want to know. Tough break, but she doesn't sound like a very nice girl anyway. Now that you're not trying to get with her, maybe you can start thinking more rationally about what kind of person she is and the mean things she did to you.

[bloodtippedrose]

Holy crap
Youll get more advice if you cut down your novel
Damn boy..

[MerryH]

Holy crap
Youll get more advice if you cut down your novel
Damn boy..

Yeah, seriously. That was a lot of unnecessary detail. I'll list the relevant points:

-Meets girl online, they flirt, kiss, have sex, exchange "I love yous."
-Girl goes silent for a month or so.
-Girl then tells OP to come over, doesn't answer her door, he texts her and she makes him go get beer, he does, she finally lets him in and they hang out with her friends
-Girl goes silent again
-Repeat the above two steps a couple more times
-He finds out she's had a boyfriend the whole time who helps her, her mother, and her brother financially and she doesn't want to leave him, but thinks the OP is a swell guy and let's stay friends.

[bloodtippedrose]

Thanks Merry that helped alot

Kobester: there is nothing you can do here. She used you and disrespected her boyfriend. She toyed with your head by leading you on and not cluing you in what was going on. She also used you to buy beer just so you could have the privileged of hanging out with her, yeah shes a winner. Whats healthiest for you is to leave her alone and find someone else as soon as possible. Dont even try to be "friends" youll just end up prolonging how painful it is that shes not yours and if her bf finds out it will ruin her financial support and probably get you a nice bloody nose.
I feel bad that you fell for this cheating, lying user, but I feel worse for her current boyfriend.

[kobester]

Here is what I don't understand, this guy that is her boyfriend, who has hit retirement age, I have seen pictures of him and of his place and was told that it was her ex boyfriend. So what the heck is going on? Did she just lie to me to use me and is doing the same to him? I know you say to move on but for me that is pretty difficult I can't just squash my feelings like some people can. She still texts me random things and asks me to hang out, I have yet to go back over there which is probably a step in the right direction. Dunno what to do, been feeling like shit since sunday when she told me all of this. By the way I shortened and and added how old this boyfriend is, her age and my age to the original post.

[bloodtippedrose]

Nobody can just squash feelings, it takes alot of time, heartache and will power to purge someone from your life.
That being said it still sounds like she used you, and unless you're into chicks that cheat and are f*cking older men, then Id still say leave her alone.
She told you the old guy was her ex, and now it turns up shes still technically dating him and leeching off him for his money, that means she straight up lied to you. And the poor old guy that could be using that money on his grandkids or retirement...
She told you the situation, she told you shes not leaving him and wants to be loyal to him (which is a fat NO it WONT HAPPEN to your face), but she still wants you to hang out so she can use you mentally and physically. Thats just plain selfish. You're 26! Its not like your life is over, you should really focus on finding a woman that will treat you with respect and devote herself to only you. The more you drag this out with the 31 year old, the more it will tear you apart inside.
Thanks for shortening the post it helped alot.

[kobester]

Been reading around and saw something about the ladder theory, went ahead and looked it up and now it pretty much makes sense. We can see that her current boyfriend (i.e. best friend, old rich white guy) clearly fills up the 50 percent of the chart for money, since she wanted me to shave my head (loosing hair, yeah I know) because she finds it sexy we can also see that this guy takes up some of the looks department being bald. I on the other had, have again according to her the looks and at least all of the remaining 10 percent of that half, and just a bit of the money. So if she was confused then this is what did it. I pretty much went from being on the real ladder to the friends ladder and I'm probably pretty low to the end on that one.

Just one last question before I shut up and move on. What the heck does this mean "I know I will outlive him though" she said that then not loosing a beat went into the whole "I'm still mentally and physically attracted to you" that I mentioned earlier. After reading the ladder theory and going over it I'm pretty much assuming that she wants to keep me around till after he dies then move on to me . In which case that is really,really ****ered up. Let me know if I'm wrong or what not.

And thanks to bloodtippedrose and MerryH for responding.

[bloodtippedrose]

JESUS "I know I will outlive him though" ?! There is no other way I can see to interpret that then how you already have. Please run from her, she is all sorts of messed up.