Just Friends is Not Enough - Need Female's Thoughts

[muddblood]

So for those of you who do not know me, I'm majorly in love a a girl that "claims" she has no feelings for me and never will. We've been talking very deeply and personally for about a year, even after she says she has no feelings for me. So this weekend (Sept 11-2011) I sent her an email basically saying that being just friends is not enough and I'd work 1,000 jobs to make her dreams come true (among a whole bunch of deep feelings and thoughts, pretty much designed to win her over). Yesterday (September 12, 2011) she completely blows me off and ignores me - doesn't even say hi or anything. So today (Sept 13-2011), we chatted some and I asked her if she minded that I vented my feelings for her TO her, and she says no (she doesn't mind).

So my question is would other women still talk to a guy that sent an email like that if they did not have any feelings for the guy?
For the record, she says there are some serious obstacles in the way of us being together (which there are), but I want to leave those out of this discussion and focus on the emotion and feeling side. The obstacles are being worked on ever so slowly. Thanks for you input!

[bloodtippedrose]

Uh, yeah we'd still talk to guys that like us because we've already told them we'd never date them and we consider them friends, plus we like attention.
To continue to fawn over a girl that has already told you no is a battle you'll never win. Once we have set in our mind that one of our friends is not bf material, theres no hope for him.
You can either stop talking to her to help yourself move on or accept that you two will never be more than friends.
You can't change her mind. In the future act before getting friend-zoned.

[Wakeup]

Can't say anything more as BTR has covered everything.

Op: Google "The Ladder Theory" and read up about being placed on the "Friends Ladder."

Let her chase you for a while. Don't contact her, let her call you next time. If she's even a friend she'll do some of the initiating.

[muddblood]

Well, crap. Thanks. Yeah, she never calls or emails and has texted me like 3 times (all bad news), and hardly ever initiates the chat at work any more. But when I don't talk to her for a while, she will lay on the guilt trip with things like "Don't you want to talk to me?" or "Are you ok?" But then I'll say "I do want to talk to you" and "yes I'm ok," and that's the end unless I speak up.

Friend-zoned? I will definitely check that out. However, this it not the 1st time I've told her about my feelings. I realized after about 3 months of talking to her that I was in love with her and told her then, and many more times in between. Looking back, it was probably the typical "friend" response of "I'll never forget that." I wish I could move on, but I see her every day and talk to her every day. I can tell a huge difference in the way she acts now than she did in the beginning, so your probably right that her mind is made up and I will never be able to change it.

As far as friends, yeah, she won't even spend any time with me outside of work, like she doesn't trust me. Perhaps I will just slowly stop talking to her and let her go. Thanks for the honest replies.

[muddblood]

So I finally found the time to research this ladder theory some, and I cam across this:

"Other times, the guy becomes her confidant about general “boy issues.” This is a huge mistake, as the guy will then be viewed as a sweet older brother or a “male girlfriend” she can vent to."

This is me to a tee!!!! Since her boyfriend left her, she has pretty much ignored me, even more so than usual. However, the web site I got this from ([url=http://dating-a-friend.com/dating-a-friend-is-possible-once-you-get-out-of-the-friend-zone#comments]Dating a Friend Is Possible Once you Get Out of the Friend Zone | Dating a friend[/url]) did not say anything about how to move off the friend lader (althopugh I am still researching this). How would I go about coming off the friend ladder?

Now I will add the obsticles to see if it changes anything. The biggest obsticle is I am currently very unhappily married and I will be filing for divorce in March (waiting for the money to file). Not only because of this girl I am in love with, but many, many other reasons. The other obsticle is we work together, under the same boss, on the same team, and have identical job roles and functions. She's even told me that these are reasons for not being more than friends and I totally agree.

Now before you all start saying I am a horrible person for looking for someone while I am married, I did NOT go looking for her and I sure as heck did not intend to fall in lover with her. We started talking about her last relationship (while she was still in it) and a short 3 months later is when I fell in love with her, and made the mistake of telling her as soon as I realized it.

And as I am typing this post up, I now realize that you are right - I just need to let her go and move on. I will never mean anything to her.

[Wakeup]

I'll just repeat what I said in my first post and I'll add that it would be very wise for you to end one relationship before letting yoursef become vulnerable to and subsequently falling for another. You have a lot of planning and organizing and inner reflection to be doing to come to terms with the ending of your marriage before you'll make a good partner for someone else. Take it one step at a time and give yourself time to come to terms with an ending before you begin a begining.

Don't contact her and keep your distance as best you can while at work which will help you to get to the stage of emotional indifference to her.

You'll find someone who is right for you in due time.

[HeartIsAching]

I for one am interested in the reason he put the word claims in quotations. Is she not allowed to have feelings that you don't like, or is it just that you distrust and disbelieve her?

Take it at face value - she said she doesn't think of you as anything but a friend. That might suck for you, but it's better to live in the real world.

[muddblood]

I put claims in quotes because there are many, many times that her actions speak louder than her words. She is absolutely able to have feelings I don't like, and I have COMPLETE trust in her. What I don't understand is why she still wants to be friends and talk initmately knowing I have such strong feelings for her. Why can't she just say, it's not gonna work out so just please stop talking to me, or ignore me, or disance herself from me. I understand that grils like attention, and so do guys for that matter, but she can get attention from any guy in the world - she doesn't need my attention. It's happen many times in the past to me with other girls - they say never talk to me again and I do exactly that - never speak to them again. I've been in this situtation myself- where a (only one) girl was madly in love with me, and I did not return the feelings in the least for her, and I put a ton of distance between her and I until we just stopped talking all together. She is not distancing herself from me at all, and she even told me that she doesn't mind me venting my feelings and frustrations about her to her. I honestly feel she says she has no feelings to protect my marriage (which is going to end even if she and I never get together). I also feel she is afraid to fall in love with me because she is afraid it will end and she'll lose me (I'd have to look in my IM chat history, but I think at one point she said she doesn't want to lose me). Basically her actions and body langauge do not match her words (hence my confused state). Maybe I'm just reading too much into things and holding on to her because I have no one else.

And as far as not contacting her - I did not speak (er write) one word to her today at work and she goes off on me saying it's not a game and who cares who says hi first, so ignoring her CLEARLY is not gonna work (for either of us). I really need a different job so as to not see her everyday to thoroughly test this theory (which is coming as well). It really feels like a complete meltdown or mid life crisis to me.

[HeartIsAching]

and I have COMPLETE trust in her.

Patently untrue. If you did trust her, you'd take her at her word.

[Wakeup]

Just because a girl asks you to be her emotional tampon, you don't have to say okay and thereby finding yourself placed on the friends ladder once again.
Stop doing things you've always done and expecting that you'll get different results. How you've been interacting is putting you on the friends ladder instead of the "potential ladder."

. What I don't understand is why she still wants to be friends and talk initmately knowing I have such strong feelings for her.

Because she's a self-centered twit and in her world it's all about her. She's to self-centered to realiize that being demoted to only a friend could hurt you when she knows you have romantic feelings for her.

I also feel she is afraid to fall in love with me because she is afraid it will end and she'll lose me (I'd have to look in my IM chat history, but I think at one point she said she doesn't want to lose me).

That's just you projecting your own feelings onto her and hoping she's feeling the same way. She can certainly hope she doesn't lose you (because she has your full attention whenever she wants it) but that definately does not mean that she wants you the way you want her.

And as far as not contacting her - I did not speak (er write) one word to her today at work and she goes off on me saying it's not a game and who cares who says hi first, so ignoring her CLEARLY is not gonna work (for either of us). I really need a different job so as to not see her everyday to thoroughly test this theory (which is coming as well). It really feels like a complete meltdown or mid life crisis to me.

Feel free to tell her to fk off or simply ignore her. The best solution would be for you to tell her that you don't want her merely as a friend and therefore would she be kind enough to keep her distance at least until you've come to terms to that fact and have become a little more indifferent to her in the romantic sense. However: I know you're not going to do that.. which is unfortunate because it would certainly help you to get over her.. maybe to even re-connect with your wife.????

[muddblood]

Thanks for the info. Again, my co-worker and I had a real discussion today about all this crap and she again said she has no romantic feelings for and she FINALLY said we could part ways (leaving the decision up to me of course). I'd be totally fine with never talking to her ever again, but the problem is she is the ONLY person in the state I live in that I know. I don't make friends easy and I don't keep friends, and seeing as how she is my only "friend", I'd really hate to let her go, at least right now. I told her today as I was leaving that I need to severely distance myself from her and she said ok. So let the ignoring her begin (again).

It really sucks being her emotional tampon (I like that saying cuz that's exactly how I feel), and honestly, I am quite sick of it, but I don't think she is self-center. Of course my feelings are getting in the way of seeing who she really is. IF she is self centered, that means I am to to cuz all I attract are self center women (including my wife), and I believe that everyone and everything in one's life is an extension of themselves. If I only attract self centered women, then that means that I am self centered and I don't think I am.

Protecting my own feelings? Nope not in the least. I'd much rather get hurt and know the truth than be left in the dark to "protect" my feelings. I have a super long posting on this site ([url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/56919-what-love.html[/url]) that pretty much tells my whole story, so if anyone's bored, feel free to read that. But basically, I have not felt these feelings since my high school sweet heart left me some 19 years or so ago, and I never thought I would feel them again. Now I know better. I"m also getting over my fear of rejection dealing with all this, so getting hurt, is fine by me - that just means there is someone better out there for me.

Reconnect with my wife? Not gonna happen. I am done with her. She was a compromise from the very beginning because I honestly thought these feelings could never be felt again. SHE is absolutely, 100%, COMPLETELY, self center and one of her college professors even told her that when she developed feelings for him back when we were dating - I just did not take the hint. She has also fallen in love with another man that she can't have (even though they did sleep together). I don't see a point staying married if we are just going to allow ourselves to fall in love with other people, and the marriage is preventing, well, both of us from finding true love. Besides, she and I have very different idea's of how to raise the kids, and THAT alone, drives me totally insane. There are many, many reasons why I want a divorce, but I'm not gonna bore you with all of them.

So after all this, I'll be getting divorced in March or so, and remain single for another 20 years or so till I find these feelings again. And IF my co-worker ever does come around - I will have SUPER hard time saying yes to her. There is no point in getting with someone that has no romantic feelings for me. Once I let go, it's forever. I just gotta figure out how to meet people and make more "friends" and even date - I haven't done that in 15+ years.

Thanks again for all the responses. I really do appreciate it.

[muddblood]

WHY???? Why do we have to play these stupid mind games? Why do I have to ignore her and make her jealous and pretend she means nothing to me? I found this ebook that I'm gonna buy ([url=http://escapethefriendzone.com/?hop=jenna44]Escape The Friend Zone - Turn any female friend into a girlfriend![/url]) and the website says the same thing! I thought women were supposed to be in touch with their feelings? Why do guys have to play these mind games? I will do it if I have to, but I just don't understand why.

And furthermore, if she come around by me completely ignoring her, who's to say the relationship will even work out and become long term or even lead to marriage? How often does this technique lead to this? And if she never does come around, then I guess she really DOES have no feelings for me. Either way I guess I can move on, right?

[muddblood]

Since I work with this girl and see her every day and have to talk to her for work related things, do I even say hi to her in the morning when she comes in or bye when I leave (Ido leave before she does)? She got all "irritated" (her word, not mine) because I didn't say hi to her this morning. Do I keep irritating her?

In case you can't tell, this whole ignoring the girl you love thing is a completely new approach to me and I have many questions about it. As I've said before, I don't make friends that easy and it's even harder for me to meet and talk to girls, at least to break the ice and try to get someone interested in me. I just wish I could meet someone where we BOTH fall in love at first sight, not just me.

[HeartIsAching]

No, be professional, be polite. Say hello and go about your business.

[muddblood]

No, be professional, be polite. Say hello and go about your business.

Excellent, will do. Do I wait for her to say hi or good morning or do I say good morning? Do I say goodbye when I leave?