Need advice please

[Mew5307]

I posted a thread yesterday but did not have the time to write out the whole story. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 2. We have a 4 year old daughter. I cheated on him about a year after we were together with a guy from my work. And I also lied to him alot in the process. Despite having unresolved issues from my actions, we still got married. My husband loves me and believed we would be able to work it out. We have been trying for years to move past this and get on with our lives but I am not sure how to do that. I have told him over and over again that I want to be with him and I will make right what I did. I havent been able to do that yet and as more and more time passes it gets worse and worse. I regret my actions every day and want nothing more than for us to be happy. I am no longer at my same job, but my husband is scared the same thing will happen at my new job. I really do love him and I made a huge mistake. I cheated on him because I was selfish and took him for granted and now I dont know what to do. I text him nonstop while I am at work, to the detriment of my job, so that he will always be able to know what I am doing. I never go places without him or hang out with friends without him because I dont want him to be uncomfortable with me out somewhere with other men. But these are easy physical things for me to do. I dont know how to repair the emotional demage I have caused or how to help him trust me again. I realize a relationship shouldnt have to be this way, with one person never being able to do anything alone, but until he can trust me again I think it is fair. I am fully prepared to do whatever is necessary I just dont know what that is. I have suggested couples counseling but he wont consider it. I need to fix this myself and I was just wondering if anyone had any advice.
Thanks.

[girl68]

You haven't mentioned counseling... He needs to learn how to trust and you need to learn how to help him and investigate why you cheated in the first place. Seriously get counseling.

[summertyme45]

FYI - you can go to the bottom of your original post and edit your previous posts/thread. I'm new to this particular forum as well, but generally you dont want to clutter the forum with numerous threads if they are about the same subject.

I've been cheated on before, and I will begin by saying that I can understand how trust can be broken and be unrepairable when one cheats. My boyfriend and I tried to make it work for almost a month, but I everntually left him simply because I couldn't stand to look at him after what he did and I knew I would never be able to forgive him. I knew that and leaving was the only fair thing to do in the end.

I will say this - it seems unreasonable for your husband to make you text him all day and not allow you to go out by yourself at all. Did he also demand that you leave your old job and thats why you are no longer there? As I said, I can understand the trust issues that come with being cheated on. I had some requests of my boyfriend as well that were somewhat unreasonable after he cheated, but you cant just do what he demands all the time and expect the relationship to work. Both partners need a voice and time to themselves.

If you dont mimd me asking, what have you done to try to work through this? What efforts have you both made? You mentioned you tell him you want it to work, but you didnt elaborate on what the two of you have done to move past this. It seems like a very long time to have the same issue still. Is he being unreasonable towards the efforts you make? I can understand his reluctance towards couples counseling. My sister went through marriage counseling for infidelity and it ended up tearing her marriage apart for reasons unrelated to the cheating that I will not get into. I would personally advise against counseling based on my sisters experience as well as my own. But if youre out of options and have made every effort it may be worth it to try. I can also see how he would expect you to fix this since you were the one to cheat. However, I have come to realize that if BOTH people want the relationship to work BOTH people need to make a valid effort. To sit and expect you to fix this yourself with no effort on his part seems unrealistic. There needs to be effort from you both.

My advice without knowing what efforts have been made - Ask yourself what efforts you have made and if that would be enough for you to forgive someone if you were cheated on. If you have made every effort possible and he will not seek counseling, you may want to consider that he may never be able to forigive you. If it has been years and nothing has worked, and you believe you have made a valid effort to work on the relationship, you may want to consider moving on for you both, as well as your daughter.

Either way, I hope everything works out for you. I will end with this - if you havent already, try to understand the difficultites that come with being lied to and cheated on by someone you love. It isnt easy to get over. Some, including myself never fully get over it no matter how hard they try, and sometimes even the best efforts will not save a relationship no matter how much you both want it to work. You need to do whats best for yourselves, but especially your daughter.

[bulrush]

Yep. YOU going to counseling will help you get to the bottom of why you cheated in the first place. It also sounds like you feel really guilty about all of this. What you did was wrong but you cannot let your guilt destroy the marriage. That's what will happen if you don't get the guilt under control. If you don't get the guilt under control you will become more paranoid he is cheating on you, or paranoid you are doing something which looks wrong, and you will never be happy with yourself.

You have to accept yourself as a person who cheated, but who has changed and moved on. AND you have to keep working on the marriage. He should do things YOU like, and vice versa. Love and commitment take ACTION.
- Have you really changed?
- Have you really moved on?
- Have you accepted yourself that you did something bad in the past, but are committed never to do it again?

To apologize and show you were really sincere, did you do something special for him? Like, dress in a Catwoman suit and feed him home made brownies or something? Maybe take a trip with no kids? Did you ever say the words "I'm sorry"? They make a difference.

[Mona_B]

Well, from what she writes, she is doing something special for him every day. Like texting all the time, not seeing her friends anymore, constantly being on guard and feeling guilty.

I don't know OP, how long are you planning to beat yourself up for a mistake? It is not right to cheat, but you already regretted it and made up for it, so forgive yourself too now. The counseling sounds like a good idea, because you and your husband can't go on like you are doing now for much longer.

[devonbrown]

If BOTH of you want things to be better, then take it to the next step and ask a professional (i.e. a marriage counselor) for advice. You don't want to give up everything about who you are just to let your husband know you aren't cheating on him 24/7. You will wind up resenting him for that in the long run. Or wind up hating yourself for that in the long run.
And your husband has to understand the past is the past and look at current situations.

A marriage counselor can help you two with both of those things, but only, ONLY, if both of you want it to work. If you or your husband is not 100% on board with fixing the marriage, then you are just running out the clock.

Good luck.