Do you trust Your GF with a Gay

[ineedhelpnow]

My girlfriend spends alot of time with a guy named John. She says he is gay. She facebooks him, talks to him, calls him, and goes out with him. This makes me very upset beyong belief. Would you be upset too? Do you think he is gay? What should I do? She's even been to his apartment before!

Thanks for the replys

[girl68]

I've slept in the same bed as my gay friend. Guess what he said to me? "If only you were a man".

If the dude is gay, he freking gay he don't want to touch your girl with a ten foot pole. If you're upset with that, me thinks you're terribly insecure, or you have issues with homosexuals.

[James Banes]

ineedhelpnow,

I wouldn't say you're insecure. Many women wouldn't trust their men with lesbians or platonic female friends. Some gay men do have sex with their female friends, which would make those men bisexual. Some, however, do not. If it bothers you then talk to her about it. Discuss it maturely. Hell, maybe discuss it with him as well. The only way you're going to get an understanding of this issue is if you're open and frank about it. Regardless of the outcome, discussing it with her is the best choice.

[Wakeup]

I've slept in the same bed as my gay friend. Guess what he said to me? "If only you were a man".

If the dude is gay, he freking gay he don't want to touch your girl with a ten foot pole. If you're upset with that, me thinks you're terribly insecure, or you have issues with homosexuals.

Oh fer chrissake... Just because he's gay and doesn't want you it doesn't mean sleeping in the same bed with him isn't a relationship boundary cross, particularily in the emotional connection sense. It's disrespectful to your partner IMO it doesn't automatically make him insecure or homophobic. *rolls eyes*

In fact I just answered a thread yesterday where a wee chickie had a huge crush on her gay friend and I recommended she distance herself from him (that includes cutting out sleeping in the same bed with him and mutual massages) until she is a little more indifferent to her (romantic) feelings for him

OP: Talk to her and tell her how you feel, ask to meet him so that you'll see how they interact together and ask her to include you in on the friendship and cut down on the one-on-one time she spends with him if it's excessive.

[ineedhelpnow]

Hey Thanks, I told her last night that I wanted to double date with her gay friend, me and her and he and his boyfriend. She said she doesnt want to do it, she wouldnt feel comfortable. She said she doesnt want to go out even with the three of us. But she did say if you want to meet up with her gay friend by myself to talk then it would be fine. Is is strange that she doesnt want to go out with me and him at the same time. Is she hiding something from me? Does she not want me to find something out? Or would this absolutly normal? He called her last night at 11:50 PM to talk about work and it made me mad and I told my girlfriend that your gay friend is disrespecting me for calling you at 12 oclock at night to talk because it makes me feel bad.She said its not disrespectful we were just talking about work.

[Kyrina]

Just meet him only you can judge from meeting him what you expect.
With no sexual interest in this guy your GF is doing no wrong.It's still hard being homosexual and still frowned on by much of society.
Be a man your GF can be proud off talk to the guy, ask him about the relationship with your GF, DONT be confrontational and ask the guy about himself, and how he handles being gay.is he confidant is he happy.Talk like a guy dont be a screamy homophobic around him.
You want your GF to keep then make an effort, if he needs her more than you and your so slagging about him you will drive her away.

[Wakeup]

With no sexual interest in this guy your GF is doing no wrong.

Well, I disagree with that one, Kyrina. I'm sure you've heard of an emotional affair and I'm sure you realize by the Ops red flags being raised over this guy that she is indeed doing someone wrong if her putting this guy first is causing an emotional disconnect between her and her actual boyfriend.

OP: I too suggest you meet him for a beer (or a glass of chablis ;o) and suss him out. Maybe you could invite him over for dinner and become his friend too. Even if you meet him with his partner and leave your's at home if she thinks she'll feel uncomfortable (weird response IMO. Did you ask her why she would feel "uncomfortable"? If there was some reason why she didn't want you all being friends?). Then sit down with her and tell her about relationship boundaries and how she allows this gay friend to cross hers and yours. Maybe make a list of some of the things you'd like to see her cut out or at least cut down on, like calling late at night and one-on-one hanging out so often.

I suspect that most people would be a little ticked even if their partner's friend was the same sex and they were calling late at night and spending more time with thier friend and cutting into your times together. It's healthy to have friends outside one's relationship but not when your partner is making them a priorty over you.. Is she doing that?

[James Banes]

Definitely agree with Wakeup on this one. It's already a red flag that she's uncomfortable with you meeting him. Women always love to show off their bf to their friends for evaluation and such. For a woman not to want you to meet her male friend is quite suspicious. It doesn't matter if he's gay or not, she appears to possess an extreme emotional attachment to this guy. Who calls at midnight to talk about work?

In any case, she's already hiding something. Men are actually good at sensing bad behavior in women. It's just some guys choose to ignore it. Her wanting to keep this guy away from you says a lot. One thing it says is he's definitely more than just a friend. She has a huge emotional investment in him and the relationship doesn't seem have a positive future. You should already be looking for other women.

[mwahahaha]

Homo or not, no dude should be phoning your bird at midnight for chats about "work".
Nip this shit in the bud dude or before you know it you ll be sitting eating a curry for one wondering where it all went wrong, while your bird is out and about with this alleged bum boy.
My advice.... meet this nancy boy for a mano "o" mano and tell him straight. As for your bird, she sounds like she is a pain in the arse. wtf does she want with some bender? Are you not fulfilling her emotional needs?
Who cares, tell her its you or mardi gras. Be a man, she ll thank you for it.

[ineedhelpnow]

Yes exactly it feels like she is having an emotional affair. Is an emotional affair still cheating?

[ineedhelpnow]

Hey mwahhahah, well said bro! Im a fighter and Ive been training alot lately for upcoming fights and probably not talking to her much about stuff emotionaly. I do live with her. She likes dancing and singing and stuff like that and Im more into manly stuff like UFC and violent movies. The guy she keeps talking to works as a music teacher at a highschool. My girlfriend said she was the one to get him the job at the highschool, because she has worked there for along time. Its not like I dont love her I do, but when preparing for fights it makes you act differently, am I doing something wrong here or not?

[searock]

Its not like I dont love her I do, but when preparing for fights it makes you act differently, am I doing something wrong here or not?

Uhm what do you mean, you didn't tell us what you are "doing" so how can we say whether it's wrong or not? I personally would be alarmed if my bf told me he didn't feel comfortable hanging out with me and a female friend of his toghether. Why would she be, have you asked her? I used to have an "emotional affair" with my best guy friend, while I was still together with my ex-bf. And I didn't feel comfortable hanging out with the both of them together, although it probably also would've bothered me for them to hang out together (even without me around). So yeah it's definitely a red flag. And I agree with the poster who said that an emotional attachment such as the one your gf has to her friend would be bothersome even if her friend was female.

On the other hand, you do sound like you're quite homophobic (you wouldn't have said "well said, bro!" to a homophobia-ridden post such as mwahahaha's). So I strongly suggest you try picturing in your mind whether your reactions would be the same even if her friend was a straight female.

Finally, it might be that he is not really gay and she is lying to you. But there's no way you can really tell for sure, unless you start checking her messages or something, or see them together and see how they interact with each other (but even then it wouldn't be enough to be certain about it). If you don't trust her, then it doesn't really matter what she does or not... there can't be a healthy relationship without mutual trust.

[ineedhelpnow]

Why did you have an emotional affair? Did you ever think any sexual feeling between the two of you? Im not homophobic, its just that I dont want my girlfriend hanging with another guy all the time straight or gay. How would you feel if your man was with a lesbian all the time calling and giving presents to her and calling her at 12 oclock at night, just wondering

[searock]

Uh, that's why I said you should try to picture whether you would feel uncomfortable even if the friend was a straight female. I'd probably not like it even if it was a straight guy, and at the very least I'd want to meet them. Yes, there was sexual tension between my best guy friend and me. It just happened (there wasn't a particular reason, it's not like I rationally decided I wanted it, quite the opposite actually!), and even though we didn't do it on purpose, I'm not proud of it.

I think you should talk to your gf. Ask her (not aggressively) why she feels uncomfortable with you hanging out with her and her friend together. Tell her how you feel about her being so emotionally attached to another person (male or female, it's not the point). Ask her if she feels like something is missing in your relationship, emotion-wise. Keep in mind that if you confront her aggressively, you most probably won't get the truth.

[jb1111983]

No, I wouldn't if I didn't feel good about it. He's gay doesn't mean he has no penis.