guys especially....... what should i do

[abercromqt20]

hey to catch some of you up on things i just recently broke up with my bf of about 8 months. there was absolutely nothing wrong with the relationship, i mean we never even had a fight. he admits that. he just says he doesn't have it in him to be in love right now. he has told me from the beginning he has problems getting close to people, and always does this when things start going to well. so i know it's not bull shit. he has done this with his other 2 serious gf's as well. he also ending up trying again with them. we left it open for down the line. like if it's meant to be it will be. but this totally sucks. it's been a week and i haven't called him or anything. i'm trying to give him his space. i just wish i could talk to him. i miss him so much. we were both vryng when he did it, so i know he has feelings for me. so guys especially, what should i do?!? do i give him a call. i mean i still want him to know i'm out here and i don't hate him. part of me believes that you go and fight for what you want but the other part also thinks you should let them come to you. i just need to talk it out with someone, so any help would be greatly appreciated

[C1d6OC]

for starters, you broke up with him, so if any one is going to make contact, it's you. On the flip side, it sounds to me that he is having a hard time committing and he's saying it straight out so I respect his honesty. However, I do also feel that he can't go on living with this fear. I say allow him time to figure out what he wants. I don't think he can figure things out in a week. I'm not sure how old you guys are, but it sounds like he's really not ready to do a long-term thing yet. Back off for a bit and if you still want to be with him, gradually let him know you still care.

cdoc

[nomas]

I say write him a letter, Amber. Many advantages to writing.

You can say what's inside of your (no interruptions), and be really careful with your wording. Say what you really mean and at the same time be sensitive to what you know about him...so that you're not pushing anything.

Freddie

[abercromqt20]

oh i wrote that wrong...... i meant we broke up. he broke it off with me. and he is 24.

[squirrley]

Aber~you can still talk to him. If you guys ended it with it being open ended, then its good. Listen to your heart, dont listen to the jibberish of if I do this and or that, you NEED to do whats best for you, and dont base it on what you THINK he might respond to. Of course he has feelings for you and you have to give him credit for being honest with you. IT does suck when theyre going through uncertainty. But if you are already happy with yourself, then its all good. Give him some time first before you decide to "fight for him." He NEEDS this time and space to figure things out. Its important to a man to have that time or space without us being up there ass being insecure or bitching or nagging at them wondering what the hell is going on with them. This has nothing to do with you ok! Just remember that! If you just send him a quick letter not even but just a hello you leave the door open for him in knowing youre doing fine, and youre not upset with the decision he's made for right now.

Hang in there girl! Trust me I know what youre going through!

[KirstyM]

I agree with the letter idea... you can think about how you word everything and what you say whereas talking directly you might lose focus or miss things out etc, and he can read it in his own time without feeling pressured for an immediate reaction.

[jolovessim]

Hey! i have loads of problems with getting close to people aswell. ive called things off before just to test the waters, just to see what the other peoples intensions were and if theyd stick around or get bored etc. Its nice to know somebodys there, but its important to make an indepdant choice aswell. With me its about control, i dont like the feeling of my life not being totally in my control. Has he given you and resons for why he feels that way? It might be that he has to make sure your worth it before he gives you any real control in his life, before you become to important for him to loose. well thats what it was for me anyway. just let him know your there for him, but let him have some space. Ask him about where you stand and what hes feeling.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

I can personally relate, I do the same thing as this guy does. It isn't a problem with commitment as was earlier stated, but one of intimacy. I have the same issues and when things become too great it starts to make me REALLY uncomfortable. While it is the best idea to give him his space, you must make an effort to make some sort of contact with him every once in a while. Make sure he knows you're still alive and care about him but not interfering with his coping process. Sometimes it takes us a while to settle back down, give him some time to get back to where he needs to be, but not so long to where you're absolutely miserable waiting in the wings. Keep us updated.

[abercromqt20]

thank you guys so much. i just needed to hear that it's not totally hopeless.

Zekk~ you are totally right it is a fear of intimacy, not commitment. i was telling me friend tina that the other day.

i think i'm gonna give it some more time, and then give him a call or write him a letter. i want him to know i care about him so much, and when he's ready i would love to give it another shot. it's just super hard now that's all.

[Zekk_T_Strife]

I can understand how hard it would be to deal with on your end, just give him some time. You're doing the best thing, just don't let him keep you on a string and not try to get through his coping.

[nomas]

On a related but slightly tangent matter...I recommend that (when you're ready) you also look out for Amber and not just stay at home, waiting by the phone for him to be ready to call you. Get out and do fun things. Don't close the door to oportunities that may come just because you're waiting out this "time-out". I'm sorry...I know that's not what you want to hear, but I stand by my opinion. Things are as important as you want them to be and sometimes it's just a matter of flipping the switch and deciding to be proactive about seeking out alternatives that begins the process toward healing an old wound.

Like you said...if it's meant to be, it's meant to be...in the mean time, test out the single waters and try and have some fun there. I know you probably don't feel like doing that at all, but sometimes we have to force ourselves to do things even when we don't have the motivation...and sometimes we realize, "hey...this is kinda cool"...

And yes...I know...easier said than done.

Freddie

[misombra]

oh girl i'm sorry.

it's always easier to break up when the other person is a jerk. but when they're really good, it's hard.

keep your head up.

[abercromqt20]

i know it's the worst. i want more than anything to be with this guy. but i know he has to do what he needs to for right now. we had such a good thing going besides this it would have worked. when he figures it all out i want nothing more than to give it another go. i mean i invested so much time into this guy, it would suck if i did nothing wrong in the relationship and i still don't get another shot. i think i may call him in a few days. what should i say??

[abercromqt20]

i have a question for Zekk....... what usually happens when u do this to girls? i mean do u purposely do it waiting for them to pursue you? or do u break down after a while and finally contact them?

[schueys_girl]

sorry to hear your going through this mate, i really am. I really think that if you have a good thing going then it may be a hopeful cause. If you want to call him, leave it a little bit longer (to give him as much space as you can stand) and then have a casual chat at first to see if he is happy to hear from you, or sounding kinda pissed off. Its hard to say cos we dont know this guy, but leaving the relationship open does give you more leway to call him up. Good luck mate whatever happens, let us know xxx