From soul mate to no mate

[dreamweaver]

I need a man's perspective on my situation. I wouldn't mind a woman's either, but I'm trying to understand my ex's behavior so that I can try to move on without anger or resentment. I'm finding it very hard to do that right now.

Let me start by saying that I do not have much experience with dating. I'm 35 years old, female, and for most of my 20s kept myself off the market because I didn't want to get hurt, so I avoided dating or getting involved with anyone for the most part. Now I'm 34 and learning some hard lessons, but it takes me longer to absorb some things apparently.

Here is the story-it is long: My ex and who I will refer to as "A" I met about 4 and a half years ago and I grew to really love. He came into my life about a year after I had ended a short relationship with someone who had lied to me completely, wanted me to get me pregnant, and when it happened, decided he would support the child, but he and i were not going to be together.I will refer to him as ex "R." With ex "R" i wasn't really in love, rather infatuated because he seemed like everything I wanted in a man, but I had some suspicions about him. I didn't go through with the pregnancy for various reasons, and I had been sick at the time. Needless to say, I was a heartbroken mess. I'd gotten better, but I still had some major issues to cope with.

When "A" came into my life, he seemed like a godsend. He was a Christian man, who wanted to be clear that was very importaint in his life. He was so compassionate, understanding and comforting. We were in an actual relationship for 2 years. During those two years i found myself still thinking of the situation with ex "R" and had a few conversations throughout trying to make amends and sort through what happened. Ex "A" did not care for this at all. Not only that, but he did not like that occasionally I liked to go out with friends and have drinks, and he especially did not like that I hugged and kissed a gay friend I had at the time. He said he did not think that people who are in serious relationships should be going out without their partners. He also said that he didnt agree with homosexuality, even though he knows some gay men. He especially did not like my gay friends personality and felt someone who should not be trusted. He felt that by continuing this behavior, i was hurting our relationship. He stuck around and said he'd try to work through his feelings, and to be honest, he seemed to try, but he didnt really express a lot of his internal thinking to me. We would bicker, he would acknowledge there was a problem and say he would try to work on it. THis continued for a while. At the same time, we spent SO much time together. We worked together, he went with me to school, and we lived together. I felt overwhelmed sometimes and was rather bitchy and in a bad mood because I felt stifled and like he was too dependent on me. Eventually he had enough and left. He didnt really want to talk about the whys and the hows. He just said he was sorry and that he cared for me but he needed to be alone. I was devastated. I reflected on how i was and saw that I had been very dismissive to him and wanted to try again. But he wouldnt budge.

After a few months, he cut contact with me, and several months after he started seeing someone else. I found out because he took her into our place of employment to show me. (He later admitted this). I was devastated and decided to move on as best I could. I had still been in touch with ex "R" who had moved out of state and would call and email every so often. When ex "R" came into town he would take me out to dinner and we eventually slept together. I didnt expect anything with him, more than anything I was trying to heal the wound of seeing a man I really loved take his new interest to rub in my face and ex R was a weird comfort because of what we had been through.

Several months later, Ex A starts trying to contact me again. he stated he was sorry for a lot of things he did and he hoped I could forgive him. I said I did. We started talking little by little, and he disclosed that he had female friends that he had been talking to about God etc. For someone who used to tell me that men and women couldnt just be friends, I found that to be a bit odd, but we werent a couple so I left it alone. I found him to be a bit distant this time around. He didnt invite me to family functions or try to keep good communication open the way he did when we were a couple. He said it was because he couldn't trust me; I had hurt him so much when we were together, but I could see he still cared for me. He tried to be very helpful and considerate with me but still kept me at arms length.

We eventually started spending more time together and even sleeping together. He would sleep over and but would not spend the night, or talk about a future. This made me not trust his intentions so after many arguments and lapses of communication, i looked into his cell phone and was devastated by what I found. He had pictures of other women. Some just cheesy provocative pictures women send, but others of boobs and a few porn pictures. Absolutely none of me. I couldnt stop crying but I didnt want to confront him because I felt insane going through his phone. I justified it by saying that we were not an actual couple. A week later while I was away, he was at my apartment and looked through my laptop, which i had loaned him. He saw my journal and what I wrote about sleeping with ex R and how maybe ex A wasn't all that great of a person anyway (this was written shortly after he took that woman to work). It was dumb on my part to leave that on there, but I didnt think he'd snoop through my files. He called me crying on the phone wanting to know details. He said he could no longer be with me because he now felt everything about us had been a lie. I told him about the texts and pictures I found on his phone. He tried to explain them away that those were from the time that he and I were not talking and he had forgotten about them. He had accidentally erased all of my pictures. ? We talked about it and I explained my side about my journal. That those things occured and were written about when he and I were nto talking and I was heartbroken. eventually the dust settled. He admitted he still loved me but just couldnt trust me yet, and just when he was getting close, he found out about me sleeping with my ex.

We were ok for some months, but those same trust issues kept coming up on both our parts. Whenever I wanted to talk about something that bothered me he would shut down and didnt want to talk about feelings or the future, etc. We'd stop talking for a month, and start again. When we would start talking again, he said he'd like to keep me in his life, but that he couldnt promise anything because he couldnt get the fact that I slept with my ex out of his mind. This went on for over a year. Each time, he seemed more and more distant, and he stopped saying "I love you," still didnt ask me to be around his family bbqs. When I asked him if he was around me so he wouldnt be bored, he would say that was ridiculous and that he liked spending time with me. Which I could understand because we laughed a lot and could talk about anything, except his feelings. He'd always shut down when it came to that after we broke up. As a result i would internalize a lot of my frustations. He didnt want to tell me why he was being short with me or annoyed, and I felt I couldnt ask. I tried to be more pleasant and do what he wanted.Despite the fact that we could be so good together, I felt resentment building up on both our parts.

Toward the end, our evenings consisted of staying in and watching movies. He didnt care to do things we used to anymore like go to movies or out to eat. Despite that, as recently as 4 weeks ago we were talking about moving in together and taking trips. he seemed all for it. But he'd also been a lot more secretive about his phone.He had a lock on it, and got very defensive when I asked him about who he was texting so much. He had been more easily annoyed, and snipping for little things. And when I asked he'd get annoyed most of the time and say he was getting a headache. one evening about 3 and a half weeks ago, we bickered over something stupid and he just got up and left. He went totally cold. He didnt talk to me at work, he didnt call or try to contact me. i didnt contact him either because I was seeing the writing on the wall. Part of me suspects he had already been talking to someone. Not dating because he was always with me, but at least talking and texting. The no contact was ok at first. I wanted to keep my distance and was ok for most of it, but have started missing him again. In the past no matter what, if he knew I needed him, he'd be there and that is the comforting part of him I loved so much. It also bothered me that we left off without any discussion about it. No explanations, no reasons, no sense of closure.

This past weekend I went to a retreat to try to deal with the trauma of my pregnancy. It was very emotional, and I sent him a text thanking him for being there for me thru that difficult time in my life. he replied with a simple, "I'm glad you are getting some good out of the retreat. I know it's the worst thing that's happened to you. Sorry I couldnt talk to you. I wish you the best." I texted him back asking him why he couldn't talk to me? even if it was to say goodbye and its hard at first, closure helps one to move on. He didnt respond. i called him yesterday as well and he ignored my two calls. I was so angry and hurt. I wanted to just talk to him to understand why. why did he just leave like that on that day? what did I do that made it impossible for a relationship between us to work. why couldnt he just tell me if he met someone else and wanted to move on. Why take the easiest and cruelest way out to just freeze me out like that. Especially when I have to see him almost every day at work. He didnt respond. I was so angry that I sent him a message telling him i could not believe that after all wed been through that was the route he took. I called him some names and said I'd never contact him again. And I wont. But now I'm left with this anger and hurt. Why couldn't he just tell me to move on because he didn't feel that same way. I'm finding it hard to put things in perspective and to move on without being bitter for feeling used by someone I thought was such a good person. I guess what i want to understand is, if our relationship was so good at one point that he called me his soul mate, why would a man go cold like that after so many years without a real actual argument this time? I wasnt mean to him in fact I tried to be very good to him by cooking at times, massaging him after long days, etc.I always wanted to believe the best in him and see the good despite people telling me he was keeping his options open and stringing me along in case those dont pan out. He knows I still love him. I'm so hurt by this.

I have so many questions:

Why is he ignoring me now?

Why couldnt he tel me his reasons for not wanting to be ina relationship with me? or at least tell me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me instead of skirting around the issue?

Why couldn't he give our relationship a real try?

What happened to the man who loved me so intensely at one time?

What is the likelyhood that he is now moving on to another woman?

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

[dreamweaver]

My post is very long because I was trying to provide the history behind the relationship. i want so badly to believe it was worth something. I'm trying to cope with the rejection more than anything, and wish I had some reasons so I could feel better about it and know what to improve in the future.

[James Banes]

He lost his trust in you. He lost his faith in you. If he's got other pics of naked women he knows in his cell phone then he's already cheated on you.

He doesn't see you as anything serious. Does he have kids? If he doesn't, then it's less likely he'll get into anything serious. He enjoys his bachelorhood immensely. You need to find someone else.

[dreamweaver]

Thank you for responding. I tried so hard to restore his trust, but the "mistakes" I made were when we werent together. I thought he was getting serious when he talked about living together again and because he always wanted to spend time with me. Mre than anything I wanted at least a conversation that he was done and wanted to move on, rather than shutting me out completely. I really did love him and tried to treat him right.

[IndiReloaded]

I really did love him and tried to treat him right.

I'm sure you did. Sometimes it just doesn't work out for one, or both, in a relationship. Says nothing about how great a person you are. There are loads of terrific people out there. Doesn't make you compatible with most of them.

[bulrush]

A "good Christian man" looking at dirty pictures and having premarital sex? Does anyone else see the hypocrisy here?

Why is he ignoring me now?

He's got issues.

Why couldnt he tel me his reasons for not wanting to be ina relationship with me? or at least tell me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me instead of skirting around the issue?

He has poor communication, or he can't figure out his own emotions.

Why couldn't he give our relationship a real try?

This guy is really messed in the head. That's why. Seriously. He has intimacy issues.

What happened to the man who loved me so intensely at one time?

It was all emotions with nothing real behind it. But you wanted emotions, so you went for it. Did you learn anything from this?

What is the likelyhood that he is now moving on to another woman?

Highly likely he'll see another woman, then come back to you due to his confused emotions about you. I don't see him giving you want you want: a trusting long-term relationship. He has issues. Time for you to move on.

Red flags with "A":
- he especially did not like that I hugged and kissed a gay friend I had at the time. (unrealistic fear of someone who is different)
- He also said that he didnt agree with homosexuality, (prejudiced of someone who is different, "A" is close-minded)
- Eventually he had enough and left. He didnt really want to talk about the whys and the hows. (lack of communication)
- He didnt invite me to family functions or try to keep good communication open the way he did when we were a couple. (He wasn't serious about you after the breakup.)
- He would sleep over and but would not spend the night, or talk about a future. (He wants to remain emotionally distant.)

Ok. I'm tired of typing. Do you see a pattern yet?

Religous people can be very nice, but they have issues just like the rest of us.

[dreamweaver]

Lol, Thank you for responding. I know I threw a lot out there. I am aware that he is hypocritical in a lot of ways. The last two bullets you have on the list are what threw me off about this guy.

"- He didnt invite me to family functions or try to keep good communication open the way he did when we were a couple. (He wasn't serious about you after the breakup.)

He didn't invite me for a long time to most family functions. Over a month ago he asked me to go have breakfast with his father and sister. It was out of left field, but I didn't go due to work. He seemed to really want me to go.

- He would sleep over and but would not spend the night, or talk about a future. (He wants to remain emotionally distant.)

Again, the past few months he would be at my place from the time he got out of work until it was late, 10pm late, to go home and get ready for the next day. He had also started to talk about moving in with me once I bought a house and we discussed how we'd fix it up (something I had planned to do regardless) and we vaguely planned trips together. Before he would not even entertain these types of conversations.

I saw all the red flags you mention. It's those last two points you mentioned that really confused me and kept me holding on to hope. It seemed like he was trying to ease into more serious territory it but then abruptly pulled away. Like someone mentioned, he lost faith and it is easier to move on to someone new.

I believe what you said is spot on...he just seems to be terrible at processing his feelings/emotions when the waters get rough. The man I fell in love with at one time wanted to get married and was very understanding, but it seems he couldn't forgive my mistakes while being very generous with himself as far as his mistakes.

I know I need to move on but this man in the department right next door. I can hear his conversations and him carrying on without a care in the world while inside I'm torn apart. I've had to leave the office several times while he is in there so I can breathe easier. How can I get over him when I have to see him every day.

[Andariel]

I am sorry youa re hurting but you need to realise that this man is not good enough for you. It was not solely your fault that you broke up the first time round.Stop guilt-tripping yourself into that kind of mindset. The only thing you are accomplishing is torturing yourself and being stuck in the 'what if' phase(ie.hwta if I had done or said this or that?Maybe then he would have loved me enough etc). A loving, committed relationship is not about the what ifs-it is not about changing yourself to the point where you don't know who you are anymore in order to please your significant other.It is about mutual respect, understanding and love.

This guy had trust issues (as well as some other issues that Bulrush rightly pointed out) from the very beginning. You have given this relationship so much of your soul and time and invested so much in it. Hoping that he will come back and that things will be different this tme round is wishful thinking on your part.Even if he does cme back, things might be good for a while but they will again go pear-shaped soon enough, and where will that leave you?Hurt once again, wondering what if...

Enough is enough,hun. Stop torturing yourself and wasting your time on this loser. A guy who spends his tme having phone sex with other women is not good enough a person or man enough to be worth fighting for. He does not appreciate you and cannot offer you the love you want and need.

Even if he explained why he doesn't wnat to be with you anymore, it would not make any difference. Things wouldn't magically go back to the honeymoon phase of your relationship.That is long over and it is not coming back. Yes, you were entitled to an explanation, he is a coward and an arse for not providing it but these things happen all the time so stop trying to figure out the whys and hows.This is over. Accept it so that you can sart healing.Go completely No Contact with him.Never allow him back into your life.See a therapist if you can't work through your feelings in order to be able to help yourself overcome the grief you are going through right now and learn how to develop better coping mechanisms so that you don't waste your time with losers like him from now on.

Take control of your life again and be proactive about your healing.You are better off without him and if you put distance between him and yourself you will slowly but surely realise this and life will be a lot better without himGood luck. :-)

[Gypsybell]

Thank you for responding. I tried so hard to restore his trust, but the "mistakes" I made were when we werent together. I thought he was getting serious when he talked about living together again and because he always wanted to spend time with me. Mre than anything I wanted at least a conversation that he was done and wanted to move on, rather than shutting me out completely. I really did love him and tried to treat him right.

The man is immature, hypocritical, controlling, manipulative, racist, homophobic, jealous, unjust, spiteful and parsimonious ++. He is using you for a pit stop between failures (obviously his other relationships don't last either) And you are a late bloomer. You would have sifted through the chaff and learned these hard lessons much sooner if you had entered the dating game earlier. Bullrush pretty much covers the nitty gritty. I'd just add that it hurts when relationships fail, for whatever reason, but its worse when you look back years later and can see that persuing a relationship that had more negatives than positves just wasted the best years of ones life. I note that you keep going over old ground and back to old boyfriends. Its probably because whats familiar feels safer than taking new risks (since you admit you avioded life for fear of getting hurt). Try to get past that mindset. You are accepting second best. If you feel intimidated or the loser by that bloke leaving you, then you need to do a few more retreats, perhaps on the subject of selfworth and actualization. You don't need a pornographic sleezebag setting the bar for your aspirations. Look up and breathe, love, you're worth more than that. I wish you well.

[dreamweaver]

Thank you James Banes, IndiReloaded, bulrush, Andariel, and gypsybell for your insights. It's not easy to hear what I've known deep down..I've been a fool for giving this man my heart again and again. One of my weaknesses (which he so nicely pointed out) is that I want to see the good in people though some may not deserve it. He was referring to others and the irony didn't strike him at all.

He's 39 by the way. Previously married with a 10 year old boy. I wanted to believe he'd know better by now. I will move on, but my heart is broken right now. And again..he works just 8 feet away from me so at times it seems impossible not losing my mind.

[James Banes]

Never get with your co-workers again. Ever.

You've just learned the hard way why it's a bad idea.