Commitment phobe or what?

[ShannonMI]

I've been dating this guy for about 4 months. He's originally from California and moved to New York (where I live) temporarily. We've been pretty much inseparable since day one. I have serious feelings for him and he says he cares deeply for me, but he does not consider me his girlfriend. Even though he tells everyone that I'm his girlfriend and treats me like I am. He says we are just friends. I don't understand this. Why tell people I'm your girlfriend when you really don't think I am? I definitely consider him my boyfriend. I care about him and love spending time with him. I wouldn't say I'm in love with him, but I could get there eventually.

What confuses me is that he is very affectionate toward me. We have amazing sex. He tells me all the time how much he cares about me. Tells me I'm one of the most incredible women he's ever been with. Tells me I'm so loving and supportive, he loves spending time with me and he's so thankful he met me blah, blah, blah. So what's the problem? Why does he consider me just a friend? When asked if he would care if I dated someone else, he says he would be upset, but knows he can't give me all that I need. That we aren't soul mates.

I just hate the fact he tells everyone and their brother that we are an item, but won't say it or admit it to me. What is that about? I know titles like boyfriend/girlfriend really don't matter, but it frustrating to get all these loving emotions from him and have him disregard them and say we are nothing. I'm not sure what to do. Is he some sort of commitment phobe? I'm guessing it's because he doesn't plan on living in NY forever and he is a legit commitment phobe. He's also bi-polar. Don't know if that has anything to do with it, but maybe it does. I'm at a loss.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Cerby]

Sounds like what you two have is something he considers to be short term enough to not bother putting a label on it. Or he thinks you're too soft and knows he can continue to get what he wants because you won't push for what you really want.

Either way, its going to end badly. After 4 months if there is no label, there won't be one.

[ShannonMI]

Sounds like what you two have is something he considers to be short term enough to not bother putting a label on it. Or he thinks you're too soft and knows he can continue to get what he wants because you won't push for what you really want.

Either way, its going to end badly. After 4 months if there is no label, there won't be one.

I've pushed him for something. Even tried breaking up with him a few times over it. He always finds a way to win me back though. If I'm important enough to fight for when I try to end it, then what the f*ck? And what about using labels when he's talking to someone else. "Oh this is my girlfriend Shannon." I just don't get it. Maybe I am too soft.

[Cerby]

4 months, its well past time for the "Define the Relationship" talk. Its like a negotiation where if either party is unsatisfied, you walk away.

Sit him down, tell him what you NEED in a relationship to feel content, and if he doesn't meet those needs, then be done with it. As long as your needs aren't unreasonable, you won't sound needy.

[ShannonMI]

4 months, its well past time for the "Define the Relationship" talk. Its like a negotiation where if either party is unsatisfied, you walk away.

Sit him down, tell him what you NEED in a relationship to feel content, and if he doesn't meet those needs, then be done with it. As long as your needs aren't unreasonable, you won't sound needy.

My needs are not unreasonable by any means. He knows what I need in a relationship because we've discussed it and he says he can't give it to me. I do need to be done with it. I just wish I didn't like him so much and didn't enjoy having sex with him hahahahahaha

[Cerby]

He knows what I need in a relationship because we've discussed it and he says he can't give it to me.

Thats the game my dear, wrap it up and move on. Don't let him back in, and don't waste any more of your time. There are other people who can f*ck you just as well or better than he did. Don't settle for anything, get nothing less than what you want, otherwise you're just kidding yourself.

The sooner you end this, the sooner you can move forward.

[toshiba]

There is no such thing at "commitment phobe" It's call: "Girl's not good enough", or "not that into her".

The mushy talk is to keep the sex going/keep you around.

[please don't take offence, it's just how some guys think, most are azzholes]

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Continue sleeping with him, but start dating other guys too. No sense in letting good sex go to waste. Instead of hanging around afterward though, just leave as soon as you're done. Make sure he knows that you're going to start seeing other guys too.

[toshiba]

Continue sleeping with him, but start dating other guys too. No sense in letting good sex go to waste. Instead of hanging around afterward though, just leave as soon as you're done. Make sure he knows that you're going to start seeing other guys too.

I wish it was that easy (at least for me). It sounds so dirty, though it is easier to find someone when you have a backup.