I feel like a jerk - he has herpes

[Bluesidhe]

I met a guy I really like. We have a lot in common, he's a gentleman, he's ambitious. He has many, many qualities that I like and have been looking for. One of those qualities is his honesty and integrity which he showed me recently when he told me he had genital herpes. We haven't had sex. Before he told me I had already made up my mind that we would but now I'm scared.

I was crushed. I like him so much but I don't want herpes. Ever.

The only logical step would be to stop seeing him. Safe sex is still very risky with someone who has herpes. I know I'm probably going to break it off with him soon. Why do I feel like such a jerk? I also feel like I'm going to be missing out on a great guy.

FML

[JadenMia]

A friend i have, he is awesome. Honest, caring and just an all around great guy. He has herpes.. I feel so bad for him because he is just such a great guy, but i dont think i would ever go for him and i dont think a lot of women would.
I might be a complete jerk for saying this, but dont feel like a jerk. This is your health and it is not to be messed with.

[Wakeup]

Do you have a question?

[Bluesidhe]

No. I didn't know I needed one. Mainly I posted for support/advice from any one who's been in this position before. This is brand new territory for me. How did others handle it?

I'd love to be his friend but I doubt he'll want to be my friend after we have the "I would totally date you if you didn't have herpes." talk.

[sadie_genie]

Yes, its unfortunate but think of the consequences. If you get it from him, and if you guys break up sometime after, you would have a hard time having new guys accept you.

[John Littlejohn]

I was crushed. I like him so much but I don't want herpes. Ever.

Too late.

You already have it.

Everyone has it.

Well, OK, not absolutely everyone, but over 90% of the world population has HSV. If you have ever had a cold sore, you have herpes. If you've never had a cold sore, you have asymptomatic herpes. You should pretty much just assume that anyone you have sex with has it too. It's not that this guy has herpes; it's that he has symptoms. Most people don't, even when they carry the virus.

The only thing you need to know is that before the late 1970s, doctors told patients with herpes to go home, sleep it off, no biggie, they'll go away. It wasn't even considered an STD because the virus is transmitted in a variety of ways, not just sex, and it causes no illness. What changed? In the late '70s, pharma company Burroughs Wellcome developed Zovirax to treat herpetic infections in severely immuno compromised patients. The problem was that the market for that is small. Since Zovirax also treats the symptoms of generic herpes outbreaks they developed a marketing campaign to stigmatize the genital version, to create anxiety in consumers and sell more pills. It was one of the most successful marketing campaigns ever. Overnight, 3/4 of the population got reclassified as sick lepers in need of their medication. We now call this type of campaign "disease mongering."

Now, it is up to you to decide whether to love this man or be a dupe to an advertising campaign from the 1980s about a harmless skin condition that has been around since biblical times and that you probably already have.

[John Littlejohn]

As a practical matter, I suggest you go get a herpes blood test. Your doctor will probably try to talk you out of it, since due to your membership in the human race you almost certainly have it, and the only symptom of herpes in most people is the psychological freak-out of being told that you have it. But tell him or her the situation and that you really want the blood test. There's a good chance that it will come out positive (although it's also very easy to get false negatives when you have no cold sore, a.k.a. "outbreak") and then you can relax and know that he can't give you something you already have.

[Bluesidhe]

After my last boyfriend cheated on me I was super paranoid and went to get tested. I purposefully asked my doctor to test for herpes because I know it's not included in the routine STD check up. Five vials of blood and a few other uncomfortable procedures later, I came back negative for herpes, HIV, clamedia, ghonorea, etc. I'm taking that with a fine grain of salt though because the guy I like told me that the first time he was tested after his first outbreak the test came back negative but upon re-testing it showed up as positive. Isn't medicine awesome :/

I understand what you're saying and to some extent I agree. Herpes is not life threatening but it has a huge stigma attached to it because there is no cure. I still don't want it. I respect him and even like him more for having the courage and integrity to tell me right away that he has herpes but I never want to have to be on that end of the conversation.

[John Littlejohn]

How sad, then, to miss out on a guy you think is wonderful because you might get a cold sore some day.

Like I said, false negatives happen all the time with that test. They ought to just throw it away.

[sadie_genie]

Too late.

You already have it.

Everyone has it.

Well, OK, not absolutely everyone, but over 90% of the world population has HSV. If you have ever had a cold sore, you have herpes. If you've never had a cold sore, you have asymptomatic herpes. You should pretty much just assume that anyone you have sex with has it too. It's not that this guy has herpes; it's that he has symptoms. Most people don't, even when they carry the virus.

BUT HSV1 and HSV2 are different viruses right? So if his shows symptoms and she gets it, hers will also show symptoms. Getting symptoms is worse because she might have it on her face.

[Leona77]

POsted by LillteJohn

If you have ever had a cold sore, you have herpes. If you've never had a cold sore, you have asymptomatic herpes. You should pretty much just assume that anyone you have sex with has it too. It's not that this guy has herpes; it's that he has symptoms. Most people don't, even when they carry the virus.

Sorry to be going a bit off the actual question, but you seem to know a lot about herpes. So, I had a cold sore on my mouth (when I was 15) which is almost 20 years ago.I got it out of stress because my then platonic boyfriend ( I didn't have sex with him) went away for 8 motnhs and I missed him and could not visit him for 2-3 months. So, does that mean I could break out in a genital herpes???? Is that what you are saying? Pardon my ignorance, but I'd like to know a bit more why you think having a cold sore means you have a genital herpes, but without the symptoms...
Thanks
p.s. As for this guy, I really admire his honesty and integrity & I am sorry if he is punished for it. But it is your decision. Most people would not tell you (I know of cases) because of this exact reason.I believe we have all made mistakes in the past. I am sure you know of people having sex when their condom burst or risking 'that one time' with the long-term boyfriends etc...I am not making excuses,just saying nobody is perfect...
good luck with your decision

[Bluesidhe]

Most people have HSV 1 (known as oral herpes but you can get it at other sites) and most people got it as children from kissing or sharing drinks. The CDC estimates that 100 million Americans have it.

That's different from HSV 2 (genital herpes) which 1 in 4 women have and 1 in 5 men have.

I've been doing lots of research and these were the common facts I was able to find from good sources.

[Petit Papillon]

Lol ,before I joined this forum, I didn't even know that herpes is such a big deal lol .Actually no one here (Europe) thinks so . If it happens, geez we use a cream for some time and it leaves,no biggie .I'm pretty sure I have this virus,cause when I was 12 I got such a bad cold sore that I couldn't open my mouth for few weeks lol
Thank GOD we don't do such a big deal out of this here , or I would be still a virgin till today lol (considering it happened to me while I was 12 ) . Oh my God, you people treat it like HIV or Hepatitis C , LOOOOOL .

Tell your bf to get his tinky winky fixed , so it looks normal and geez, cool down.

[Petit Papillon]

Most people have HSV 1 (known as oral herpes but you can get it at other sites) and most people got it as children from kissing or sharing drinks. The CDC estimates that 100 million Americans have it.

That's different from HSV 2 (genital herpes) which 1 in 4 women have and 1 in 5 men have.

I've been doing lots of research and these were the common facts I was able to find from good sources.

But if you have oral herpes and perform oral sex on your partner , she might get genital herpes , so what up lol

[Bluesidhe]

Apparently getting HSV 1 on you genitals is different from getting HSV 2 on your genitals. Even though the symptoms are the same.

He doesn't have any symptoms and hasn't had an outbreak in years.