Recent Breakup

[JenniferLR]

Me and my boyfriend have recently broken up after being together for 2 1/2 years. Whenever we got together he knew that i smoked. After being together for a little while, he told me that he didn't like that i smoke, and i promised him that i would quit. He gave me chance after chance and was really understanding about it, but i kept smoking and never actually quit. I want to quit, but i just don't feel that i'm ready right now. I hate myself for "choosing smoking over him". I don't understand why i just can't do it. I have also gained about 10 pounds since we have been together. I weigh 145. He told me that he wanted me to lose weight and that he was starting to be less attracted to me. After the first time that we slept together he said "if you lost a little weight and stopped smoking i would marry you" There isn't a day that goes by that i don't have that in the back of my mind. It really messed me up, i started pushing myself away from him and I feel that i have ruined everything. I am not fat, i could stand to be a little more in shape but I don't feel that i need to worry because i am not obese.
We have been on the rocks for awhile, and he recently caught me smoking again and said he was done. That he couldn't do this anymore. I love him with all my heart, i don't feel that it's fair for me to have to do all these things in order for him to marry me. I understand that these things are important to him, but this isn't how i want to be treated for the rest of my life. I want to be able to do what i want. But i also feel i should try to make him happy. I'm so lost and sad, i don't want to lose him.

[Cerby]

As someone who dates a smoker and doesn't smoke, I understand the frustration with the smoking - I hate to see my gf intentionally harm herself, addicted or not. That said, I told her it would be nice if she quit, but I'll support her decision one way or the other.

As for him telling you to lose weight, thats just unfair and you shouldn't have to put up with that. You need to find someone who will accept you for you, a smoker with a few extra pounds.

[Simple Love]

I think you need to give him a little bit of time to realize what he lost...This could give you time to work on the smoking....But more importantly this will give you both time to reflect on the relationship...You shouldn't have to change who you are to make him happy...If you are young and want to smoke so be it...If your not as petite as he wants you to be then that is his fault...

Nobody is perfect and he needs to realize that...My advice would be to give it some time: work on yourself for a bit and if you still have the same feelings for him then you can take action to get him back...If he is not happy with you, someone else will be...

[Andariel]

Smoking is an addiction. As with anyother addiction you can't stop until you feel ready to do so. When that time comes, you will know it. Stopping for any other reason than because you realise you don't want to do this to yourself anymore and you genuinely want to stop, is not going to work. He knew you were a smoker when he started dating you.If that was something he couldn't live with but he chose to be with you anyway, then that is clearly his problem and not yours. He does not have the right to tell you how to live your life and how you should behave, even if that behaviour may be detrimental to your health. It is your body after all.

Our loved ones can of course offer advice and loving opinions if they believe something may be potentially harmful for us, but emotional blackmail is never the way to go about these things and it is really poor form on the part of the person resorting to this kind of strategy, regardless of the reasons why they do it.

Telling you that if you lost weight he would marry you is another form of emotional blackmail and utterly disgustng. He knew who you were physically when we decided to get into a relationship with you and of course we should all try to take care of our bodies and our health, but telling anyone 'if you do this, then I will love you more' just goes to show that the person saying this does not know what love actually is.

If you feel good about yourself and the way you look you shouldn't allow anyone to put you down and make you question yourself and your image. To hell with this idiot!He sounds like he has the emotional height of a meerkat so no reason to beat up yourself about him.

You wll find someone you will truly appreciate you and what you have to offer and obviously this guy was not the right man for you.Plenty more fish in the sea,hun. No reason to doubt yourself and feel bad about yourself over this loser.

[JenniferLR]

Thank you for your replies. Somehow it helps to have strangers tell you things that your friends and family have been telling you all along.
I have a really big problem with loss, and i think that is why this is so hard for me. I have lost almost everyone in my family through death, so the thought of losing anything in any way really bothers me.

I hope that there is someone out there that will accept me for who i am, but right now it doesn't feel like there is. This is the second long term relationship that i have been in that didn't work out because I wasn't good enough for them. That really makes me feel like i won't be good enough for anyone. I hate to be alone.

[Andariel]

One of the most important things we need to do after each break up is take the time to figure out what mistakes we made during the relationship, learn from those but also try to see if there are any patterns that we need to change.You say you were 'not good enough' for them.I don't think that was the case. You just were just not right for each other; that does NOT mean you are not good enough. Perhaps you are choosing people who are emotionally unavailable or immature etc and that has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself.

If you believe you are not 'good enough' then it is logical and expected that sub-consciously you will seek men who will treat you this way. This is an unhealthy pattern that needs to change as it is based on an unhealthy image of oneself.

I would suggest remaining single for a while to work on yourself and build your self-esteem. Relationships end all the time-it does not mean that this is because we are not good enough.People change, feelings change and it takes time, courage and determination to pick ourselves up again, learn from it and become the best people we can be and all else will fall into place when the time is right.

Don't let a break up get you down.It is normal to be feeling sad, angry, confused and your self-esteem will normally get a bit bruised but the imprtant thing is realising that this is not because you are not good enough-it is because break ups are tough by nature and it is normal after a break up to go through a period of feeling like this. Focus on yourself, learn from past mistakes and when you have done that you will meet a person who wil be right for you instead of choosing douchebags who can't appreciate you.