How do men define "relationship"?

[sonaya22]

Hello,

I am so confused about my man and its gotten to the point where I think I may not even know the definition of a relationship anymore. To give you some background, we met and I wasnt really feeling him on an intimate level and just enjoyed being friends. He had gotten out of an abusive (she was verbally and sometimes physically) relationship and was focusing on moving forward. I more we hung out, the more I liked him until I couldnt ignore the feelings. After about a month we hooked up, meaning he spent the entire weekend at my place. Right away I had "the conversation" with him. I let him know that while I am all about getting to know a man and taking it slow I am not at a place in my life where I do flings and that if he is up in my bed then my bed better be the only one. He tried to tell me we were friends and I stopped that right away by telling him I do not sleep with friends and if he isnt trying to get to know me then we can go back to being friends (hanging out once a week outside of our homes). We then came to an agreement to be exclusive.

Well, its been about 5 months now. 5 months of us being exclusive, getting to know one another, opening up to eachother, and seeing each other regularly (one the weekends and maybe once during the week). He confides in me, comes over when I have a bad day, calls me up to hear my opinion on his work, is there for me when I need him, and I feel us getting closer emotionally every week. Most of his friends know about me as well. The problem?.... he speaks about me as the woman he is dating. He refuses to call me his girlfriend because he says that he is not ready to throw himself into another relationship when his old wounds are still so fresh. This is understandable, but I dont get it. What does he expect to be different when we are boyfriend and girlfriend? We are already exclusive, so what exactly is the hesitation?? I am not asking for anything to be different, just respect in the role I play..... the title of girlfreind as opposed to a woman he is dating.

Am I missing some magic meaning of the word relationship that only men can see?

Sincerely,
Dictionary Assistance Needed

[James Banes]

He uses the term, "the woman I'm dating" to mean "friends with benefits". He doesn't wanna say girlfriend because then you would be his lover, rather than his love interest.

[sadie_genie]

Why do you want to hold yourself exclusively to him when he doesn't want it? Your heart, commitment, body are very valuable gifts and should only be given to someone who wants to treat you with care and respect. If you are going to force yourself on him, you would be devaluing and disrespecting yourself. Don't cheapen yourself, give your love only to someone who is worthy of you.

[jb1111983]

He said his wounds haven't healed yet or something like that. Don't you get what that means? He isn't completely over his ex yet. He hasn't had a closure to that chapter yet which is why a part of him is still in the past. You may be thinking how can he still feel something for that bit(h when she was so unfair to him. Well she still meant something to him at some point, didn't she?

If you want this to work hang in there and give him the time and space to recover from the past hurts. Do not pressurise him to call you his girlfriend to the world yet. If you keep pressurising him to tell the world you're his girlfriend or his only love, he's gonna feel guilty for not being there 100% in the relationship and will most likely walk away to leave you for someone who he feels will deserve you more.

He will tell the world you're his girl on his own when he knows he's finally ready for it. It seems to me he's gonna take time to come out of his past. And yes this can take much longer than 5 months. So you decide if you can be that patient with him or you'd rather walk away from this relationship.

[jb1111983]

Don't cheapen yourself, give your love only to someone who is worthy of you.

Sadly that's not how you girls are built. Sigh!

[sssspanos]

Let him think he´s free... We men need this as a feeling more than you can imagine! If the whole deal doesn't work for you then break.

It s interesting that just after your first encounter you started talking about exclusivity...

[sonaya22]

Wow, these responseS have been great! Some very close to what he says. I do want to clarify.... We are exclusive and have agreed to see only eachother. While I annually patient with him, I needed him to be clear that I am not into flings or freinds with benefits.... Meaning it's us only. He was cool with that and told me he wasn't trying to talk to other girls anyways.

So there is a type of commitment.... But not a full commitment of the mind.

[shpadoinklejoe]

It's a simple age old cliche, guys are terrified of commitment.

[bulrush]

It's a simple age old cliche, guys are terrified of commitment.

Um, no. Immature guys with issues, are afraid of committment. Balanced guys are not.

[bangcole]

OK,I think you love the boy.