Please help me get over my Cheating Ex :(

[Broken986]

Hi, i'm a 25 year old newly qualified teacher and I found out 2 weeks ago that my partner has been cheating on me for the past 3 months. We were together 2 years and I absolutely adored him. I thought he was the one for me and we talked about spending the rest of our lives together. He was very protective over me and didn't like me going out with my friends, he tried to control what I wore when I did go out. He told me the reason for this was that he was so in love with me he didn't want other guys chatting me up and running the risk of us breaking up. I lost alot of friends because of this which at the time I thought was ok because I believed he'd always be there for me so I was willing to jeopardize this for him as I loved him so much. I now realize that this wasn't the case and that he was really insecure because he was a cheat himself. I found out that he had been seeing a 17 year old girl (he is 30!!!) through facebook as this girl's mum msgd me telling me about the cheating. She said how he wanted to be with her and was going to break up with me when he found the right time! I then received more msgs from the girl herself, her friend and her aunt telling me horrible details about the sex they had together . Whilst this was going on I was sick in hospital for a week and poorly for sometime afterwards. I can't believe the person I loved so much did such a disgustin act and for 3 months. I now feel that the whole relationship was a joke! I think back to how i was so inlove with him and I really believed he felt the same back! He treated me like a queen!! I now think I was a dilusional fool as no1 does this to someone they love!
The thing is I still love him and I miss him so much, he was mylife and my rock and without him I have nothing. I haven't found a job since graduating and I sit at home all day looking at photos and thinking about how happy I was. It then turns to thinkng about how he could do this to me and I can't get the image of the 2 of them out of my head. It's got to the point now where I really wish I wasn't here anymore

[Lifetime]

Wow, reading that story puts a bad taste in my mouth, I can't imagine how you feel. I'm not the best one for advice, all I can tell you is things you've already heard/will hear, like "it will get better with time". It will, but I know those words don't help much. Just stay strong, and know that someone who would do that to you doesn't deserve any part of you.

[Simple Love]

You deserve so much better...Mostly all of us get cheated on so you are not alone...Most men think they could get away with it...Time is your best friend in a situation like this and even though it doesn't seem it right now it will get better...I promise

[Andariel]

He sounds like a horrible person. You say he treated you 'like a queen' but I think you have not had enough time and space from him to realise that this was not the case at all: when a guy tries to control you and isolate you from the people who love you that is a huge red flag. A lot of these guys are emotional abusers and quite frequently they are also cheaters and can turn physically abusive too when they don't get their way.They are prone to bouts of jealousy, anger and violence (emotional/physical). You need to put things into perspective and realise that you have been in an unheathy relationship and his cheating was just another manifestation of that.

Stop idealising the time you spent together and face up to reality: he is a cheater and a controlling manipulator. Stop reminiscing about the good old times; they are over and are not coming back.Accepting this is over and not dwelling on the past is an integral part of the healing process.

You need to be around people who care about you right now, so that you are not stuck at home in front of the TV with a huge bowl of ice-cream and a box of tissues!You deserve better than this. Talk to your friends and family; call up old friends that you have lost touch with. Start looking for ajob-write up your CV and register with a job agency. Join the gym, get a pet, take up a new hobby, anything that you think you might enjoy and will help you meet new people and take your mind off things. Put all his gifts, pics, anything that reminds you of him in a box and put it somehwere you where can't easily reach or see it.

The more you stay at home on your own, the worse you are going to feel.The guy is a cheating loser who does not deserve you. Hooking up with a 17 year old?Wow, just goes to show you what sort of a 'man' he is...You are better off without him,hun. Take control of your life and be proactive about your healing. You can do so much better than him!Good luck!

[Broken986]

Thanks for ur replies! Wat u have said makes alot of sense to me. I believe he cud hav potentially turned violent as he did hav an anger problem. The thing is I was so hapy wit him and loved everythng about him. I liked the fact that he cared so much about where I went and who I was with. I miss him so much :-( I know I am crazy and most ppl wudnt give ths guy a second thought but he realy is my weakness! I need to get it in my head that he isnt the guy I thought he was and that he obv cudnt hav cared that much about me. Known that he did ths wen I was very sick realy shows me wat kinda guy he is. I realy wish I cud listen to myself but I keep thnkn bak to the goodtimes. Im on the train nw afta meetn a gf and all I wish is 4him to meet me off the train. How can I feel like ths afta wat he has done and the hurt he has causd me? :'(

[Andariel]

It is normal to feel this way after breaking up with someone you loved.That does not mean you should want to go back to him.

You are confusing love/attention with controlling/potentially dangerous behaviour. A man who is mentally healthy and stable does not feel the need to control who you talk to, when you go out, what you wear etc.This is unhealthy. It is really important that you understand this so that a)you don't go back to him and b) you stop being attracted to these types of guys (the abusers). He was a bully who wanted to get his way, by allowing him to control you he started destroying your self-esteem bit by bit. All abusersl do that,hun. it is important that you realise that what you say was attention/love was more of an unhealthy need on his part to control you because he is an insecure, bully who does not know what true love is.

When you go home, instead of spedign your time thinking about how nice it would be to be together again, sit down and write a list with everything that he has ever said and done that has hurt you. You will be surprised at how long that list is going to be.Then everytime you start feeling weak and think that perhaps you want to go back to him read that list and remind yourself that you deserve better that a prick like him. Don't allow anyone to treat you this way.

[Broken986]

WOW thanx Andariel!! Do you know my ex?? lol ur posts have made me see things aclot more clearly. He was a very jealous person, he couldn't stand other men even looking at me and didn't even like me talking to his own friends! He took me away from friends and made me feel guilty going out drinking because 'i wudnt be aware of the men around me'! I was flattered at first but towards the end of the relationship I would get so much hassle that I wudn't go out. He always wanted me to dress respectively whilst the girl he cheated on me with is a 17 year old wannabe glamour model who wears the most disgusting outfits and is just damn right common! She is my total opposite! This doesn't make sense to me at all!!

[Andariel]

The reason why he was acting this way was not out of love but out of his need to control you.He saw you as his property and your role in his head was to sbe submissiveand behave in a way that was convenient for him. He did not care about your needs or feelings.None of these matter to abusers like him. They only inflict pain and destroy a woman's self-esteem-that is their ultimate goal: to isolate you from everyone and make you feel like you are worthless so that you will never leave them and they can carry on abusing you for as long as they see fit.When they have had enough, they move on to the next victim and they do the same thing to them all over again.

This is why it is important to stop spending your time hoping things would go back to the honeymoon phase(the beginning of the relationship when he was still wearing the mask of the nice, charming guy who seemed like he was your knight in shining armor.The minute he got you hooked and in love with him, the mask fell and the abusive monster came out but by then you were too hooked to be able to walk away).

be proud of yourself for finding the strenght to walk away; not many women in similar relationships have the courage or the confidence to do that because their abusers have managed to make them feel like they are worth nothing and they have no one in the world except them, so they feel trapped.

Cut off all contact with him and start enjoying the single life instead. Focus on yourself. The best revenge is moving on and being happy.The minute he sees that you have moved on, he will do anything to get you back because as an abuser he can't accept that you have a personality fo your own and you don't need this douchebag in your life. Never take him back though. These guys never learn and never change.You can do so much better than him.Believe in yourself and start doing things that will help boost your confidence (getting a job, meeting new people) and you will be fine! :-)

[zapataman1]

do not worry. there are many men who do not know what they do and every day they are wrong. now it's time to know that you have not lost anything and if he is for you, then he come back to you. I advise you to know a little more the behavior of men and know what are the most common mistakes women make in a relationship sentimental. for more information I leave my signature.

[Broken986]

My ex the 'cheater' text me earlier (first time in a week) saying hi and that he had to text me to see how I was, he said he has had the urge for days and cudnt stop himself. he then went on to say if i don't reply he'll assume i dont want to talk. I havn't been able to stop thinkin of him and been having such a tough time, i cried walking out of work to my car today coz i missed him so much however i have resisted the urge to text him. why do u thnk he has text me now? coz he is worried about me? coz he wants to be friends? coz he wants me back? coz he is still trying to have some control over me? i havn't text him back and im thinkn shudnt even tho i really want to :s

[xmoe1990x]

I was just cheated also I found out the day of me and my ex's marriage. Truth is it hurts I know your pain but you cant let people that betray you destroy you! It wasn't meant to be. Just live your life and stay strong you shouldn't need anyone else to make you complete trust me I found out the hard way I was about to commit suicide but I realized that you shouldn't have to depend on anyone else in this life but yourself I know it's kinda cold but very true. Look at it this way each heartbreak is just one step closer to finding the one that is truly meant to be just be patient and love will find you.

[Andariel]

I would suggest you just ignore his text.You can never know why he sent you that text-it could be for a number of reasons. It is very likely that if you answer he will just ignore you as an ex will contact you for whatever reason and then when he gets a response will not bother replying to you.

Also, continuing to communicate with him will only make things that much harder for you. You need to accept the reality of the situation: this is over, going back and forth won't change the way he is like and even if you got back together he wouldn't change. Therefore, you need to stay strong and that means not answering his messages no matter how bad you want to. Contact with an ex can only lead to one thing: more pain for you. Stick to No Contact, especially now that you are so vulnerable emotionally.

[simmo]

Having experienced being cheated on and desperately wanting my ex back, NO CONTACT is really the way to go. Get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of him. If you have a facebook block him. Get rid of his pictures (or hide them). Make it impossible for you to see his face. DO NOT reply to his text. Just ignore him. It will be very hard at first, I won't lie. It is going to be difficult, but right now you are in a "manipulated high," meaning you think you need him/want him because he manipulated that into you. My ex was a master at manipulating me. Once you sober up through no contact you start looking at the whole situation rationally and you soon realize how lucky you are to have made it out. This sobriety won't happen fast but just breathe. Breathe everyday and stick to no contact. Stick to making seeing his face, hearing his voice, or reading his texts impossible. I promise you, you will start to feel better eventually. I know that hearing that doesn't sound likely at the moment, but really just hang on. You may not feel motivated to go out and meet people yet. I wasn't at first, but being around people and meeting decent people helps. It reminds you that there are people in the world who actually have souls and won't destroy your spirit. One day at a time. Really stay attentive to your needs. If you need to cry. CRY! Don't bottle anything up. Consider yourself a survivor. Time to heal.

[Broken986]

Thanx for the replies! I received another text lnite saying he cant stop worrying and thinkn about me. He wants me to reply so he knows im ok. this is killn me i really want to contact him but i know i shudnt!

[Andariel]

Keep strong,girl. You are doing really well so far. Don't let him get to you.He is trying to manipulateyou into responding by saying he is worried. Was he worried about losing you or about the hurt he was causing you when he cheated?I very much doubt it!He was taking you for granted and thought that no matter what he did to you , you would always be there for him. He does not deserve a response; don't give him that satisfaction.

You are a strong, independent woman now.Don't allow this idiot to control your life anymore. Don't justify his awful behaviour to you by responding. Keep yourself busy. You need to focus on yourself and shift all your energy from him to rebuilding your self-esteem which he has battered so much.

Who does he think he is?Sending you a mere text and thinking he can get you to respond because he feels like it!Keep reminding yourself of everything he has done to you: the cheating, the friends he cut you off from, making you feel like you were not good enough and all the while he was having a great time at the expense of your emotional health.Don't give in-you can do this.You don't need a dick like him in your life.You deserve so much better!