Got the silent treatment by a guy friend - do I terminate the friendship?

[GirlOne]

Okay, before, I fancied a shy guy friend as I wasn't sure if he fancied me or not over the summer. The precis: we worked together, we went out for beers after work in a work group on several occasions. His friend joked that the shy guy wanted to sleep with me. The shy guy flirted with me (and other women). I texted and emailed the shy guy and he never replied to me. We went out several more occasions and he made an effort to chat to me and he said we'd definitely keep in contact after our project we worked on finished and he wanted to visit my neighborhood etc. He was basically making plans with me for social things to do over the months ahead.

Our work group no longer works together and now I can tell our work group will just meet up once a month for beers depending on who can make it on the night.

Thanks to great and realistic advice, I realised this shy guy just sees me as a friend only - that's fine, as he's not contacting me suggesting meeting up or doing stuff together as in my experience, that is what guys do when they're interested in me, even shy guys.

The shy guy cancelled at the last moment for a work social event. At the time I was making excuses like he was unemployed, didn't have money, didn't want to be embarrassed about people asking what he was up to etc, but the bottom line was that he got a better offer to go out that night rather than meet up with former work colleagues.

Now, obviously, he just sees me as a friend only.

My question now is that: clearly I was attracted to him which he knew, as after some subtle hints by me, I told him outright. Now that he's not interested in me that way, I feel what's the point in keeping in contact - period, even as friends, because if he's not replying to emails, or replies occasionally, it seems like a lot of hard work. The other thing is that he doesn't reply to emails etc with everyone else in the group - he's very shy and doesn't have too many friends. He expects people to make the effort with him, although he has the capacity to be a very good friend. Rather than have a big group of friends, he has a few close ones.

Is it my ego talking that I want to cut off the friendship because he turned me down? I think he would be sad if I terminated the friendship. I also have enough faith in the stock value and quality of what I offer in terms of friendship to know that if he does go elsewhere making friends, he'll soon come back as my friendship value is very good indeed.

This guy is shy, but not too shy. He's socialising with other friends and he's single, meeting girls etc.

What do I do? ... finish the friendship? Re-double the friendship effort and make it known that it's okay he's not interested in me, but we're good friends or drop hints I'm seeing other guys ... or just leave the whole situation as it is, where we meet up every month as part of a work group to catch up each others news ...

[Wakeup]

Carry on with your life and forget about him. If he wants to be your friend then he'll do some initiating. I don't see any reason for you to terminate contact or to make contact with this guy. He's indifferent rather than shy by all accounts.

[GirlOne]

You're right - he's indifferent and also lazy.

Also, I know he likes my emails as I'm very jokey and he thinks I have a great sense of humor as he's always laughing loudly when I tell funny stories etc.

The other thing is that I think I myself have put too much emphasis on the importance of our group - everyone else is quite relaxed about replying to emails and meeting up, so a lot of the group - all of us, don't reply to each others emails unless it's drastic. It seems very casual indeed, like we know we're good friends, so why bother?

Also, which is a bit strange, he uses one of the other guys in the group as a conduit to finding out about me or organising social events, so that the other guy sends me an email about meeting up and shyguy is there as well. It's like we use this guy as a messenger between ourselves about meeting up or finding out about what's going on in each other's lives.

[jb1111983]

Your shy guy friend doesn't deserve to get laid! lol

[smackie9]

Ya just let things carry on as they were. Maybe this shy guy suffers from a little anxiety from getting too close to people, hence the reason for having few friends. Anxiety isn't always detectable. It can look like laziness, being inconsiderate, cold, snobbish, hard, distant, neglectful. Things will be fine once you finally push away those feelings.

[GirlOne]

well, he's shy, but not super shy. He does have friends, it's not like he doesn't have any friends. I suppose it's because I have loads of friends so I make a comparison on my huge number of friends. The friends he does have, he's close to (I like that in a person, rather than knowing a huge number of people superficially). His personality is very easy-going, a bit lazy. He's sociable and goes out, he flirts with women, so I'm assuming he's going out seeing other girls, since he's single.

I'm not sure I'd describe him as anxious ... unless he's anxious about finding a job, which would be normal. I'd describe his personality as easy-going, lazy in his friendships, nice person, shy, quite secretive.

I wonder if this friendship will die out. I make a lot of effort in my friendships, but it's only so long I do this and if I feel the other person is making it hard work for me to maintain my friendship, then I let the friendship die out ...

I also feel with this guy, that if he got a girlfriend he would disappear completely - I make a comparison with some other guys in our work group who have long-term girlfriends who still manage to meet up for beers and dinner - either with or without their girlfriends, so having a partner is no excuse for turning down social events.

[smackie9]

Like I said anxiety can be mistaken as laziness, and being neglectful. Even easy going or out going people use those personality traits to cover up their anxiety. There are guys like him that once a girl shows interest the anxiety kicks in and they start to ignore their advances because it doesn't feel safe anymore, they get too uncomfortable to handle it. That's why your friend is still single.

If you are not a person that suffers from anxiety in social situations, it's really hard to understand what it's like. I suffer from it, even though I am am out going, and can be exuberant at times, I have moments where it takes over and I shut down. I have bailed out on invites, etc many times myself and have lost friendships over it.

As you go through life you will realize you will run into people who do not play by the social rules that you and most go by. Lots of people will disappear if they meets someone, actually it's quite normal. It might not be acceptable to you but oh well such as life. When you get older you will learn to bend more for people as you learn the different personality traits of people.

If the friendship dies off it dies off. It's not always about lack of effort, sometimes we grow out of our friends when our proprieties and life goals change.

[GirlOne]

That's really interesting ... when you originally said he was anxious, I thought no ... because this guy is easy-going, comes across as a regular guy, has a relaxed attitude to stuff (as you can tell by not replying to emails etc - maybe he thinks let the girl do the chasing and if she doesn't, well there will always be another girl). My impression was that he was interested in me in the beginning and he flirted with me. He also flirted with other single women. Then when I showed interest ... he backed off and kept me at arm's length. I thought because everyone (guys and girls) knows dating game-playing, I wanted to avoid that B/S and told him straight that I was interested in him. He hasn't contacted me, even though he contacts me via group emails about whether he is or isn't turning up for events. I know he likes me as a friend so he likes my personality as when we were working together I was the person who was socialising the most with him (with other people there of course).

The other thing is that he's single, says he wants a girlfriend and he's in his late 20's, so at a stage when he's not looking for endless one-night-stands. When we were working together, he did get hit on by one or two people, but he turned them down (he's straight). Obviously that might have been a looks thing, and he did say he was picky about personality.

I also understand that if he meets someone he will disappear for a while, because, well, that's what I do and most do as when you find someone you want to hang out with them all the time.

I'm not anxious in social situations, I would say I'm very self-assured. However, I would be anxious if I didn't have a job and had to pay bills, etc.

Overall to the whole situation, I tend to think that if a guy isn't contacting you, then he's not interested.

I also think that when I make friends with someone, it's for life - especially with people in their late 20's who are settling down to life's milestones ie building a career, finding a serious relationship etc.

I will continue with the friendship and see if it fades out. I think I have a better understanding about how he sees the friendship which is group only and only if the day in question he hasn't got something better on or he'd rather stay at home and he can't be bothered to reply to emails and occasionally meets up for beers on a one-on-one basis with one of his guy buddies. I understand that most people would get bored and drop out at this point, I just have to decide whether I'm going to the person who sticks by when everyone else has disappeared (I don't like to follow the crowd, do the normal thing of giving up and moving on).

[vashti]

I don't think he sounds shy, lazy, or anxious. I think he just isn't interested in you, and isn't motivated to maintain contact since you expressed romantic interest in him.

Usually, it's the simplest answer that is right.

[GirlOne]

Yes, over the past week it's sunk in he wasn't interested in me and I've accepted that now.

I'd love to know what a guy's mindset REALLY thinks about the situation. We all know the society norms - ie not replying to a girl's emails in the hope that she eventually gets the message that he's not interested (I think he thinks that).

But I wonder how that turning down issue is handled when the girl

a) is a friend and
b) the guy has mutual friends with her
c) thinks she's a nice person


Also, when I was asking advice about whether this guy friend liked me to a friend of his - the friend said he doesn't know, but also the friend said maybe he really likes your personality. But then I thought - if a guy really likes a girl's personality and knows that girl fancies him ... I've never been in that situation - every guy friend I've turned down who hit on me, I didn't really fancy their looks and I didn't really like/was indifferent to their personality and Also, of my guy friends who have great personalities, I do somewhere along the line fancy them, so that if they ever hit on me, I would probably sleep with them. I'm not sure it works in reverse, as guys seem to be so looks-orientated, so it's looks first, even if the girl has a bad personality.

I don't know if a guy thought a female friend had a great personality, but wasn't attracted to her looks, would he ever sleep with her? ... I guess not ...

[smackie9]

"I don't know if a guy thought a female friend had a great personality, but wasn't attracted to her looks, would he ever sleep with her? ... I guess not ... "



Yes you are right.

You just leaned one of life's lessons.

Looks are very important to men, because that is what stimulates them sexually, and for women a strong personality is what sexually stimulates them. That's why the cosmetic industry is a multi billion dollar industry, cosmetic surgery is very popular.......we are hell bent on looking hot for men to be competitive.

[bulrush]

As a former "shy guy" I used to prefer women ask me out. However, even though I'm not shy anymore, I still prefer to have a small group of close friends, rather than trying to divide my time among many friends. That's just how I am. Also, as I am dating, I always ask the women to send me the first email on the internet dating sites. Not because I am shy, but because I am highly confident, and I need to see a minimum of confidence in them. It's very rare when I ask out a girl, unless she seems VERY compatible with me.

Anyway, someone noted this guy may have anxiety in social situations, which is a good point. He appears wishy-washy, or even lazy, but he may still want to date you. If you want to ask him out, try it. If not, then assume he just wants to be friends.

Another thing. Some guys are submissive, and like when women ask them out. But this guy doesn't sound like that. He just sounds shy, perhaps because of anxiety.

[GirlOne]

I'm going to leave it with this guy - I think he sees me as a friend only. I've already made it clear to him that I'm attracted to him and he knows I'd like to meet up and he hasn't done anything about it, which means he's not interested in me, so I don't want to embarrass myself by pushing it.

My normal personality is extremely extrovert ... I'm only shy with guys I like, so I have confidence by the bucket ... just not with guys I fancy.

(smile) I find unconfident men very attractive, maybe because I don't like to follow the crowd ... wouldn't it be a boring place if we all fancied the same thing?

Much as it would be great to think he cancelled at the last moment due to anxiety, he knew about meeting up in the group about a week before and instead he bombed out for a better offer the day before. I think because he felt he could meet up with his work colleagues at any time ie it seems a casual thing.

I'm not thinking anything will happen in the future and I'm even questioning how much he thinks of me even as a friend.

Looking back, I'm just puzzled why he repeatedly flirted with me in the early stages of knowing me, then when I finally reciprocated he backed off. It's not about my personality as he likes my personality and he hasn't found someone else in the meantime. I don't flirt unless I'm interested in a guy. But then again, everyone is different. He's single and he's straight and he's not a player.

I think I will let this go. Sure, I'll meet up in my work group as the other people are really nice and everyone enoys meeting up when we finally do meet up. All of us are quite busy in our lives so it's a case of finding the time.