Girlfriend of a year tried to dump me out of nowhere, what to do?

[Crowley]

Hello all,

I'm back once again. You've all tried helping me with my relationship before and I appreciate it greatly, which is why I keep coming back here for advice.

That said... here's the situation, and thanks all in advance for reading.

I have been with my girlfriend for about a year, and every now and again she gets upset and tries to break up.

My girlfriend is the type that flip-flops and changes her mind easily, and she also is a self admitted quitter. When she doesn't like something she quits. Our last problem was 3 months ago after a vacation we took together, she got odd there and broke up with me a week later. We got back together but she said it would be for the last time.

This time around, things were once again fine. We have been planning to move in together for the last couple months. And lately we were even shopping around for homes and furniture/home decor. The plan was for me to relocate over to her town and get a new job over there.

I ended up losing my job at the beginning of the month. So I took the opportunity to stay at her place and job hunt in her town . Things seemed ok, she kept reassuring me we would get through it together and not to worry, cause even if she had to pay everything for a bit it would work out. I trusted her but busted my ass to find a job. During my time there with her I took care of her, cooked, cleaned, got her lunches ready for work etc. My usual thing, I like taking care of my girl. I had a job interview in my new town so I left Tuesday of last week to head back.

I get back and get hired, and on Tuesday everything seems ok, She says how she misses me etc. Weds though she doesn't really talk much to me, and gets upset with me that night for not explaining why I can't sleep. I told her though it was stress from losing my job and my feeling responsible for our well being. She doesn't have it and tells me she doesn't care anymore and good night.

Next day, barely talks to me. She text's me a little at work but that's it. She gets off work and then tells me we need to talk. Says I was annoying her over the weekend by not moving out of her way fast enough or rubbing her back every time she walked passed me. I understood, I habitually rub her when we idle in stores. She told me she wasn't sure if it was the situation that was frustrating her or that she generally couldn't stand me. I told her if it were the latter we wouldn't be able to be together at all, that this issue would have arisen sooner. I told her I would break the habit and we left it at that for the night, said good night, went to bed. Next morning we are talking like everything is normal. Suddenly she says we need to talk again, and tells me it's the same issue from the night before that's been bugging her. I offered to talk to her over the phone instead of text, she told me no, that she just wanted to end it. I was surprised.. since it doesn't seem like something a couple should break up over. I ask her why and she just tells me I am annoying her, and that even phone calls from me were annoying. I told her that she's making a hasty decision and time is needed for these things, that just the week before there wasn't any problems. She said 'sometimes a week is all you need to realize things.'

We argued for a bit whether or not to break up, I told her to just take a break from me for now, cause she was obviously upset and super heated and needed time to get over the anger before making a decision. She agreed and didn't talk to me for 5 days...

During these 5 days though she met up with some guys at a festival we were supposed to go to together, appeared to be flirting with them on Facebook too. I of course was torn up and upset but I gave her the space I promised.

She finally started speaking to me yesterday, but she told me she didn't even miss me and that she feels nothing for me. Said she FELT nothing for me the week before to. That my kissing her was annoying her, that I was all up in her business. I told her she should have said something, and she had been talking that week how she was going to start being more open with me now that a year was up. However she tells me that it's "the past" and that we shouldn't talk about it or think about it. It was JUST LAST WEEK. She has maintained that she only misses me 'as a friend' and that I'm one of her best friends and she doesn't want me to just disappear.

I tried to reason with her that the point of the break was to not make any hasty decisions and that she made a decision anyway, and that we have been together for long enough and that it makes no sense for feelings to just disappear. I asked her why she feels nothing, when it happened, etc. She just says she doesn't know, that it just isn't there. She becomes increasingly difficult to speak with about the issue, says I'm asking retarded questions etc. I asked her to at least wait one more week and spend more time to be SURE. We drop it and move on.

Today she starts acting a little better. She calls me and we discuss it, she says the 'couple thing is shaky' because she doesn't think the chemistry is there, but says she decided it would be messed up to just say 'screw you' and drop it like she did. We are gonna try slow, in baby steps as she says.

But I see her flirting with guys on her FB. She clearly isn't taking it seriously.

So my question is, where do I go from here?

[Crowley]

I get that and have been thinking about that too. At the same time though, when we are together normally everything goes swimmingly well. She want's me around all the time, gets upset when I leave, etc. She tells me she needs me and that I'm her stability, and she even says she's lucky to have me.

Here's what I think. She has emotional issues that she admits to, she admits to being depressed and her family can quite literally drive her insane. I'm starting to think she is somewhat bi-polar. Her mood swings are rare but when they happen, extremely drastic.

What I'm saying is, I get the hint, but I wouldn't want to leave her cause of it if it's one of her emotional issues. Kinda white knightish I know, but I'm emotionally attached and can't bring myself to do it. First time we broke up she was the one who said she missed me. This time it was me.

[Wakeup]

Repeated what I said here: Sorry, I deleted then realized you'd commented after I'd deleted.: Why are you trying to keep this woman in your life? She doesn't even like you. You are like a fly that keeps buzzing around, she's swatting at you but you aren't getting the hint to get away from her.

You can do better than try to keep someone who keeps breaking up with you. You will NEVER be happy with someone who finds you so disposible. She will steal your self-worth right out from under you. Move on and cut ALL contact with her. Doing anything less than that is self-abuse. Don't let her keep you around for company until she finds a guy that doesn't annoy her and then drops you like a hot potato. Take back your dignity and tell her you've thought about it and you're not wanting to be with someone that doesn't really want you back.

P.S. If you don't leave her and you're silly enough to stick around until she gets annoyed by you again and dumps you yet again.. do not try to negotiate another reconcilliation, don't embarrass yourself. *Don't try to talk her out of not liking you. You wouldn't have to do that if she actually loved you.

[Wakeup]

I get that and have been thinking about that too. At the same time though, when we are together normally everything goes swimmingly well. She want's me around all the time, gets upset when I leave, etc. She tells me she needs me and that I'm her stability, and she even says she's lucky to have me.

Those are words she tells you when it suits her but her actions are telling you the opposite to her needing you and are saying she takes you for granted not "she's lucky to have you."

Here's what I think. She has emotional issues that she admits to, she admits to being depressed and her family can quite literally drive her insane. I'm starting to think she is somewhat bi-polar. Her mood swings are rare but when they happen, extremely drastic.

Why would you want a life of being dumped and then negotiating a come-back? You cannot fix her and if she won't get help for her "emotional problems" then she will NEVER get better.

What I'm saying is, I get the hint, but I wouldn't want to leave her cause of it if it's one of her emotional issues. Kinda white knightish I know, but I'm emotionally attached and can't bring myself to do it. First time we broke up she was the one who said she missed me. This time it was me.

Then no matter what we say here you're too codependent to leave her anyway so why come here for advice I wonder?

Your queston is "Where do I go from here?" Why don't you tell us where you're going to go regardless and we can comment on your strategy.

My suggestion was you leave her while you still have some semblence of self-worth and aren't ruined by her emotional abuse of you.(yes it's emotional abuse) She has you on this roller coaster ride of come here/no go away but you don't want to hear or see the truth.

[Crowley]

I am listening, I just neglected to mention the emotional issues before so I wanted to get them out there. I want suggestions yes. But I want to hear multi suggestions before making a decision...
Just voicing my thoughts in response to what you say. Please don't consider that disregarding.

Also I agree I can't fix her. She needs to mature on her own. But her parents keep her in a dependent state... hispanic family and all.

[MerryH]

I tried to reason with her that the point of the break was to not make any hasty decisions and that she made a decision anyway

Pfft. Silly girl, making decisions for herself. What the hell? That's not what you had planned. How dare she.

No, but seriously, she sounds so done with you, it's not even funny. I think she's giving it another try (in baby steps, whatever that means) as a courtesy to you, but not because she actually wants to work it out with you. Why would she want to? She thinks you're annoying, says there's no chemistry, did not miss you at all during your break, etc. She's been very cruel to you, actually. Keep what little dignity you have left and just walk away.

[Crowley]

Pfft. Silly girl, making decisions for herself. What the hell? That's not what you had planned. How dare she.

Yeah I worded that wrong. I just meant not to make any hasty decisions she would regret and later change her mind anyways. Like I said she flip flops. I meant give it time to think about, and she decided from the get go and didn't think at all.
So you think she didn't decide what she did was screwed up like she had told me? And is just going along with it?

[MerryH]

So you think she didn't decide what she did was screwed up like she had told me? And is just going along with it?

I don't know. But she isn't acting like someone who regrets her actions and wants to really try again. You don't mention her apologizing and saying she wasn't thinking straight, etc. No, she said, "Welllll...There's no chemistry here, but I guess I owe it to you to give you another shot." Then she continued to flirt with other guys.

Think about what frame of mind you would have to be in to tell someone the things that she said to you. If you ever found yourself telling a girl that she's annoying and that there's no chemistry, don't you think that you would be at the point where you really don't want to be with her? Acting that way is just tremendous bridge-burning. What if she kept telling you that you're making a mistake and begging you to give it more time? Would you respect her for that? If you even considered trying to work it out, it would only be because you care for her as a person and don't want to break her heart. Right?

And I know you're going to think, "Yes, well, but she has emotional issues and sometimes does things she doesn't mean." But the point is she isn't acting like she didn't mean it.

Edit: I mean, give her a chance to prove herself, I guess. But just don't have your heart set on the relationship succeeding and being wonderful from now on.

[Crowley]

You are right, she doesn't act like she regrets anything. She never does. She's the type that thinks she's always right in every situation. Even admits it. Says it comes from her mom.

Well, she says chemistry comes and goes. Like it's there one month, then it's gone, then it's there again. I don't think she really understands chemistry...

The annoying thing, she said I annoyed her but then said we could still move in together, as friends. I was just like why the hell would you move in with someone who annoys you, but got no answer. I probably did annoy her, but sometimes couples annoy each other, it's kinda normal I thought.

The main reason I have stuck around so long, is everyone I talk to says she doesn't know what she wants. I was trying to give her time to figure it out, but then this stuff happens. Someone told me before she's a perfectionist who will never let herself be happy. Could be the case, but you'd think she'd mature out of it eventually.
And yes, I wasn't planning on setting my heart on it succeeding this time, in fact I was thinking of going along for a little bit, asking her if she felt the same way, and if so then just ending it on equal terms.

[MerryH]

everyone I talk to says she doesn't know what she wants.

Why do you and everyone else think that she's too stupid to make decisions and know what she wants?

[oldskool83]

if she had time to find guys that fast shes been talking to them long before your tiny issue came up. theres another interest and your old news, shes just chicken shit on really want to do. go find someone else. this one surly didnt care for you if shes with some guys a few days later....actions louder then words wins out every time. peace that bitch!

[bulrush]

Crowley,
I think I see a combination of problems with your gf. 1. She's wishy washy, and 2. she doesn't want to be alone and you happen to be convenient. When she sees a possible man she likes more on FB, that's when I think you two break up. Then when it doesn't work out, you get back together.

I think you did some things right:
- You talk to her openly about what is going on.
- You are attentive.
- And more

You can't change her. She will always be like this. My question for you is: How much longer can you put up with her games? I think you deserve better, and you should find someone who appreciates your attentiveness.