he is obsessed by me and it's freaking me out

[searock]

Hey there, I could really use some help, I don't know how to get myself out of this situation.

A good friend of mine (R) suffers from bipolar disorder and depression. He attempted suicide more than once in the past 6 months (he almost made it, on one occasion he was in a coma for 3 days for overdosing on antidepressants). He's seeing a psychiatrist, but is not getting psychotherapy - basically he's getting the pills but not the long-term cure. We are both 22 years old, his parents know about his problems (he's had them for years) and are taking care of him as much as they can.

A couple of months ago he confessed that he was in love with me, and he still is. I don't feel the same way about him, never have, never gave him ANY possible hint that I reciprocated. I'm actually seeing someone else, B, a guy whom I am very much in love with, and who is also friends with R.

My problem is that R is getting more and more obsessed by me. His social life is completely inexistent lately - he always refuses invites to go out with our group of friends. Yet he asked me if we (only him and me) could meet up today, cause he needed to talk. We met, and things were immediately way wrong. He says he feels "destroyed" by ME, even though he knows it's not my fault but his own. I don't ignore him, I don't treat him wrong, I don't do anything in particular, I just act normally around him, as with any other friend, so how could I possibly "destroy" him?! He keeps asking me what I am doing in my life, what my projects are, he wants to know EVERYTHING, every little particular. And he'll keep comparing himself, obsessively, to every single little thing about me. It seriously bugs me, it makes me totally uncomfortable. It wasn't like this in the beginning, but now I honestly wish he could just leave me in peace. He needs professional help, therapy in addition to medication, and I've been trying to talk him into getting it since his first suicide attempt. His answer has always been "I don't want therapy cause I really don't want to feel better, I am destined to feel bad and to die as soon as I can". But apparently he now considers me to be a sort of therapist to him - which I totally DO NOT WANT. He creeps me out and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable, like he's "keeping files" on me and watches me like an obsessive maniac all the time. He makes me feel guilty for being happy!

I want him to stay away from me, because of 2 reasons:
1) I love him as a friend and I really want him to get better, but I know for a fact that I can't help him;
2) he makes me feel bad on many levels.

But I don't know how to make this happen. I can't just tell him to leave me alone because then it would really "destroy" him. Staying away from him - without telling him anything - doesn't seem to work though, I've kept my distance in the past month and a half (ever since he I realized how insanely obsessed he was by me) but he'll still come haunt me again (like today).

I just want to be left in peace. What can I do?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Tell him that his feelings for you are unhealthy and you want him leave you alone until he's gotten help and is in a better place. I know it's tough for such a soft, idealist but there's no nice way to do it. Well, there's no effective nice way to do it. It's not a nice situation, cut him off hard, and stop responding.

[searock]

Thank you for reading and replying. I've thought about that possibility, but I'm afraid that he might take it way too bad and he could actually be "pushed" into another suicide attempt... even though I know it wouldn't be my fault, I would still have it on my conscience for the rest of my life...

It's impossible to talk to him cause every 2 minutes he'll say something like "I suck, I'm so sorry I'm wasting your time, I suck so bad, I'm disgusting" etc etc and I just have to repeat to him over and over that it's not true etc. But sometimes it's like he does it on purpose just to get reassurance or something, it's irritating I hate it! I mean I'm sorry that he's having these awful problems and all, but I really don't want to be dragged into it!

[Wakeup]

Incognito gave you this excellent advice back in August. It still applies today.

It sounds like manipulation. Sure he has emotional issues, but he is using your willingness to help him as time together. A sort of screwed up date if you will. Why do you think he told you that he has feelings for you? Why do you think that he got upset and stopped answering your calls when you told him you were dating his friend?

You are allowing him to involve you in his mess of a life and are also now part of the reason he is depressed. Step back and let his family and the professionals handle this. If he is better in the future maybe you can be friends again, but you also have to ask yourself how being in contact with him will affect his depression since he has feelings for you while you have none for him.

Your compassion is a bit misguided here and you involvement is actually a hindrance to his recovery since he has feelings for you. I'm sure that isn't what you wanted to hear but it is what it is.

His state of mind isn’t your responsibility and you need not feel guilty for what he decides to do with his life or his death. Don’t let him make you think that you are. Don't enable him by feeding his need for manipulation. Step away and stay away, if he should be sucessful in killing himself then that's his choice and it's not your fault. By staying in his life he still wants to kill himself anyway so don't let him rule your well being while he decides his own fate.

[searock]

Incognito gave you this excellent advice back in August. It still applies today.
His state of mind isn’t your responsibility and you need not feel guilty for what he decides to do with his life or his death. Don’t let him make you think that you are. Don't enable him by feeding his need for manipulation. Step away and stay away, if he should be sucessful in killing himself then that's his choice and it's not your fault. By staying in his life he still wants to kill himself anyway so don't let him rule your well being.

Thank you for your reply. I know you're right. I actually kept my distance since I realized how messed up he was about me, back in August. If he hadn't texted me explicitly asking me to meet up today, I wouldn't have gotten close to him of my own accord (nor do I intend to do so even after today).

Are you saying that if he asks me to meet up again to talk, I say no? I definitely don't want to get involved with him in ANY way, as long as he's so obsessed. Or should I tell him directly that it's best for us to keep our distances as long as he doesn't start feeling better? He will fall into a huge crisis if I do, yet I want to do it, for me. But I'm afraid of his reactions...

[BackUpOrGetStng]

None of that moves me, at all. Your friend just wants attention. That's evident by his very weak suicide attempt..a bunch of random pills generally won't be fatal. You're only enabling him. How is telling him he needs to get help, going to send him over the edge?

Anyway, you said ignoring him doesn't work, but it doesn't seem like you've actually tried it. Stop responding to any contact, even if it is, "I'm going to kill myself if you don't answer." Pretend he's dead already.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

He will fall into a huge crisis if I do, yet I want to do it, for me. But I'm afraid of his reactions...

Stop deciding what he's going to do for him. Do what's best for you, and allow him to take responsibility for his actions/reactions.

[searock]

None of that moves me, at all. Your friend just wants attention. That's evident by his very weak suicide attempt..a bunch of random pills generally won't be fatal. You're only enabling him. How is telling him he needs to get help, going to send him over the edge?

The doctors actually said that it's a miracle he's still alive and it's even more of a miracle that he isn't paralized or stuff (he isn't the only person I've heard this from, I know it's true). On the other hand, he is always telling me about all his self-harming gestures as if he wants to "shock" me or wants me to be close to him or stuff. Honestly I did feel like he was trying to manipulate me today. I have been telling him that he needs help since the first suicide attempt, but he has never really listened to me. He just wants me to keep telling him, though. He seems to be dependent on what I do and say, it's SO creepy!!

Anyway, you said ignoring him doesn't work, but it doesn't seem like you've actually tried it. Stop responding to any contact, even if it is, "I'm going to kill myself if you don't answer." Pretend he's dead already.

Well I never explicitly ignored him, I just kept my distance as in I didn't contact him, didn't talk to him apart from small casual talk with other friends as well, etc. He tried to get me to talk about his stuff but all I reply with is "you need to get therapy", I really have no intention to be dragged into his insanity and I know that it wouldn't help him at all. Are you saying that I should ignore him completely, even if I bump into him or we're with other friends as well? I feel bad for saying this but it's actually what I feel like doing, especially after today.

[Wakeup]

Thank you for your reply. I know you're right. I actually kept my distance since I realized how messed up he was about me, back in August. If he hadn't texted me explicitly asking me to meet up today, I wouldn't have gotten close to him of my own accord (nor do I intend to do so even after today).

Are you saying that if he asks me to meet up again to talk, I say no? I definitely don't want to get involved with him in ANY way, as long as he's so obsessed. Or should I tell him directly that it's best for us to keep our distances as long as he doesn't start feeling better? He will fall into a huge crisis if I do, yet I want to do it, for me. But I'm afraid of his reactions...

I agree with BUOGS, just don't respond to him anymore you don't need to "breakup" with him because you are not obligated in that way to him and I think you need to stop thinking in the mindset that you are. You know it doesn't matter if you're in his life and allowing him to manipulate you or you're out of his life for good. You are going to feel bad when he finally suceeds in killing himself so you might as well disassociate yourself from his insanity.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You really shouldn't meet up with him today either. Tell him you're sorry and you can't make it. Then do not respond to any further contact. Don't tell him what came up, just that you can't come, and do not offer to reschedule. Just say you can't make it, and let that be your last communication.

[searock]

I agree with BUOGS, just don't respond to him anymore you don't need to "breakup" with him because you are not obligated in that way to him and I think you need to stop thinking in the mindset that you are.

You're right... the problem is that he's part of my group of friends, so it would be weird if I started ignoring him out of the blue with no explanation... Another thing is that I really don't want him to contact me again, whether I respond to him or not (which I don't think I will), I just don't want him to contact me at all. So if I don't tell him this, then he might keep contacting me and it would be weird to just start ignoring him all of a sudden, considering we have a lot of friends in common and everything, and we see each other on a regular basis. I don't know...

[searock]

You really shouldn't meet up with him today either. Tell him you're sorry and you can't make it. Then do not respond to any further contact. Don't tell him what came up, just that you can't come, and do not offer to reschedule. Just say you can't make it, and let that be your last communication.

If I could go back in time, I'd do that : ) unfortunately I have met him already, things got way creepier than they had ever been in the past, that's why I posted this thread... I wasn't entirely sure before, but after talking to him today I know that I do not want to be in touch with him as long as he's so obsessive! I just don't know how to make it happen... should I text him with something like "I think it's better we keep our distances until you start feeling better" and then stop replying or something? We see each other almost every day and have lots of friends in common so it would be awkward...

[oldskool83]

by helping him hes still getting what he want which is you. maybe the best and only thing i would do if i were in your shoes would be explain your concerns to his parents so at least someone knows he needs help. this way if crazy ever does somthing and you receive a phone call it does not fall on your shoulders with the "what if, or what could i have done to stop this"

its not healthy for you to be around this, if he was just digging ya thats one thing, but hes not, there are way bigger problems only some real medical help can only start to enjoy once the can of worms are looked at.

[searock]

by helping him hes still getting what he want which is you. maybe the best and only thing i would do if i were in your shoes would be explain your concerns to his parents so at least someone knows he needs help. this way if crazy ever does somthing and you receive a phone call it does not fall on your shoulders with the "what if, or what could i have done to stop this"

its not healthy for you to be around this, if he was just digging ya thats one thing, but hes not, there are way bigger problems only some real medical help can only start to enjoy once the can of worms are looked at.

His parents know about his suicide attempts and his bipolar disorder and depression, he's already getting medical help (psychiatry)... his psychiatrist actually suggested to him about a week ago that he should also get psychotherapy, which was what I was trying to get him into since I came to know about his suicide attempt. I know that I really can't help him, and that by sticking around I would probably do more damage than good. Now I just want to stay away from him (which I can, and will continue to, easily do), but I also want him to stay away from me, starting right now, and I don't know how to make this happen...

[oldskool83]

tell him stright up we are over and you need to stay away from myself and my family, if you cannt do so i will call police on you, block him from FB phone, email...best advice.