Feeling pretty broken hearted and lonely, for a good reason

[IASIP]

I should start this by mentioning that I've known my current girlfriend for 3 years and we were friends for 2 years before we actually started dating. The last year has been the best of my life and my girlfriend agreed on that when I asked if it was so for her as well. Now she's thinking of breaking up with me and I thought I'd share my story here.

I just turned 18 less than a month ago and my girlfriend is still 17. We have argued a lot during our relationship about little things and it has slowed it down a bit. However I can't possibly list all the amazing things we did together and until she told me she had thought about break up, I didn't appreciate our relationship enough. I kept arguing about little things and didn't give her much space. But now I feel like I'll do anything to continue our relationship, even though I don't know whether it's good or bad.

My girlfriend found a tumor/growth near my ear about 8 months ago and eventually I went to doctor to see what it was. All the doctors told me that it's most likely nothing bad and I had an surgery to remove it. They let me go home and I thought everything was finally fine and I didn't have to struggle through anything. About a month later, they called me and told me I had cancer. For the first few days I was really frustrated and kept crying for most of the time with my girlfriend. Eventually, we stopped crying and tried to get used to it. She is the only person who I have told about this situation exluding my family.

She has kept telling me it's all gonna be okay and she wants to be with me through the whole thing and that sometimes she stays up thinking about it. Once I turned 18, I spent few nights with my guy friends and she didn't like it, because we had planned something else for the weekend and she had to be alone for a night and she didn't want me to come over after that. Since then she's been going out for few times without me and also told me how awesome time she had had, because for once she didn't have to argue with me like we usually do when we go drinking and also kept telling me how funny people he met, mostly guys. I felt pretty bad about it and we kept arguing about these things for some time. Then, last saturday after we had argued on phone because she had gone out in nightclub with her and mine friends as well and didn't want me to come there with her, I went to her place and tried to be nice to her.

She had seemed pretty odd that day and soon she told me that she doesn't know if our relationship works anymore. I started crying and told her how much I still love her and that I can't handle the whole cancer situation myself as she was the only person I had ever trusted with it and the only person who I could cry with. She hasn't decided anything yet, but yesterday when I slept over and asked her few questions, she told me it was because she doesn't feel the same way anymore. I started crying again and she promised that if we were to break up, she would still come to hospital with me and support me. That meant a lot to me, but I'd still find it very hard if I had to go to hospital while she was partying and dating other guys while I could only think about her as at the moment, I don't feel like I could date anyone else.

I'm here to ask your advice on what I should do. Should I give her some free space now to calm down and see if she still misses me, even though after I had "betrayed" her we didn't see for 5-6 days and she hadn't missed me at all? Or should I just keep being very nice to her and try to prove how much I still love her even though she told me not to "try too much" and just act normal? I don't really know what to do. She wants to go drinking with her friends tomorrow and when I ask "Aren't you going with me like usually?", she responds something like "Well, I guess I can be with you as well if you want to.." even though we have always done that and she used to be the one who insisted we do so.

I don't wanna lose her, but I want her to be happy. I'm also scared that if we continue our relationship like this, she might cheat on me and still keep dating with me without telling it. This might sound pretty stupid and childish situation and even though I bet most of you are thinking we should break up already, I can't explain well enough how much fun we've had together and how well we fit together when we don't argue.

Please! What should I do? (I didn't doublecheck the text, but I hope it's somehow understandable)

By the way, I went to body scan for first time today. Day after tomorrow I'm gonna find out how much has the cancer spread and what will they have to do. So I'm still fine and the cancer isn't anyhow noticeable!

[BeingAlpha]

She had seemed pretty odd that day and soon she told me that she doesn't know if our relationship works anymore. I started crying and told her how much I still love her and that I can't handle the whole cancer situation myself as she was the only person I had ever trusted with it and the only person who I could cry with. She hasn't decided anything yet, but yesterday when I slept over and asked her few questions, she told me it was because she doesn't feel the same way anymore. I started crying again and she promised that if we were to break up, she would still come to hospital with me and support me. That meant a lot to me, but I'd still find it very hard if I had to go to hospital while she was partying and dating other guys while I could only think about her as at the moment, I don't feel like I could date anyone else.

I don't think that GUILT is ever the right angle with someone..as it won't be effective for very long. I don't even know how to imagine how you are feeling with the cancer thing -- thats a heavy heavy burden...but making her feel guilty that she is the only one who can help you through this is unfair.

As for what you should do -- let her figure it out -- pleading, begging, making her feel guilty, continually arguing is going to get you no where. Shes avoiding you -- flat out -- nothing you can do will change someone's feelings after they have started down the path of not wanting to be with you. Nothing. Life isn't a teen movie and sometimes -- things are just OVER...relationships come and go...its just part of life.

I hope you feel better but please know that no ONE person is the key to your happiness. the key to your happiness is YOU.

[IASIP]

I'm sorry if you got me wrong, but I do not use it as a way to make her feel guilty. I did it one time, because that's how I felt back then. I would never date with her for that reason only, but being there as a friend and dating can be 2 different things. Just like you guessed, she told me that I should stop pressuring her today and that's what I did.

But no, I was never going to use the cancer thing against her. The truth is I feel as she is pretty much the only help I got atm, but I'm not gonna point it out to her again as I don't want that to change what she decides.

However, considering the fact that she's one of the most beautiful and wanted woman-being in the town according to most of the man, I don't have a lot of belief anymore. But we'll see.

Thanks for your reply!

[Tanguerra]

Ok. Let's back it up a bit. There are a few things you need to get straight in your mind first of all.

1. The cancer thing will be very scarey, but you're young and they've caught it early, so chances are you'll be fine. They can do amazing things these days. Try not to over-react and let your fears run away with themselves. Try not to make more fuss than necessary about it. This is not helping. Fear is usually a bit of a waste of time in the best of situations. It is very nice of her and shows great strength of character for her to say, even though you've been having a fight, that she will still look after you if you're sick.

2. Why do you fight with your girlfriend all the time? What are the fights about? You say they're about 'silly things', so why fight? Maybe this is why she is having second thoughts about the relationship? Maybe she's sick of all the fighting. Can you blame her? Could you try other ways to sort out your disagreements than 'fighting'? If you are going to be together in the long term you've got to find out how to discuss things with each other calmly and find a solution without yelling. You say you fight when you've been out drinking? You're both quite young to be having a drinking problem. Do you think you could slow down the drinking and this might help with the fighting? Just a tip.

3. She says she wants some 'space' and she's been enjoying going out with her friends without you (and not having to have a fight) but then she got all upset when you went out with your friends 'for a few nights' and left her alone. It is hard sometimes to get the balance right between giving your girlfriend enough attention and being too smothering. You also need time to yourself sometimes to see your friends and you need to make sure your girlfriend feels loved, cared for and appreciated too. Nobody likes to be together ALL the time. It's not really healthy either. Sure in the beginning of a relationship people love being together 'all the time', but before long you have to learn how to find a good 'middle way' that both of you will be happy about so you can get on with your own lives too. As above, you need to find a way to talk about this that doesn't involve crying, fighting or threatening to break up all the time.

4. Try to take it easy. She obviously likes you (even though you've obviously been acting like a crazy person lately and driving her mad). Give her a day or two of peace, then a nice phone call. Maybe a nice visit, some flowers, ask her if she wants to go to a movie or something - just as friends would be fine if that's what she wants for the moment! Show her that you want to be a nice guy and you're not crazy, that you're still her friend and not that arguing drunk person that makes her life more difficult instead of better? Can't hurt, can it?

5. Try to be a bit less melodramatic about everything! Just try to relax and calm down a bit. Things (everything!) will go easier for you.

Good luck with it all. I hope you work it out.