Please help..... *Should my long term boyfriend of 2 years pay for me?*

[Okay]

My boyfriend earns more than me, because I only have a part time job (struggling to find otherwise!)
He's really lovely because if I were to put into percentage of who pays more for dinners - eating out, it would come to something like:
Him paying 70% of the time and Me only 30% and sometimes we go half half. We also buy each other random surprise gifts every now and again.

I feel that the stingy thing is down to personality, not wholly gender. Because I'm sure there are both men and women out there who wouldn't think twice about splashing some cash for their other half. When I have a decent job, I wouldn't mind spending a hell of alot more on my boyfriend too.
But then there are also stingy people, who find it hard to part with a cent... so I guess you will have to put up with the stinginess for now!

And the thing about gender roles, I have a very traditional Asian family, so the male is normally in charge of most things, which though I disagree with certain things (like the woman having to give birth and all) ahh nature. Being a woman does have romantic perks.

Just my 2 cents.

[smackie9]

You are right it is a personality thing....I am more than happy to pay the bill...even with coworkers and friends. I just find women who sit there and EXPECT it are pathetic tisk tisk.

[IndiReloaded]

It isn't that hard to see that nice girls want to spoil their men, too.

This^. I dunno that I'm a 'nice girl' but I still enjoy doing things for my husband. I surprise him with the latest book by a favourite author, a lunch out, his favourite dinner... or [redacted]. The last one was arranging a visit to a facility I knew he'd find interesting.

Reciprocity is important for a happy relationship. Note that is very different from 'equality', which doesn't exist IMO.

[Gypsybell]

I refer to the missing aspect of this discussion so far, that being the original postee's youth and lack of, independance from parental influence, and selfsufficiency. It is reasonable of her to still be influenced by her parents if she is in school and under their roof. At least she is questioning their criticism of her boyfriend. Plus she came here for genuine advice,( not criticism by that Galah who brought sex into the equation) And if she had gained her independance, as in rented her own digs and shelled out for all that independance entails, then she would probably not be needing the advice. She would know her boyfriend can't save and pay all their social costs and that she woulld need to contribute or they, as a couple, would have to cut down on outings. These things come with maturity. Only echos of the old guard remain. Her father may have footed the bills and expect the same for his daughter. (do we know if this is an ethnic issue)All credit to the boyfriend for bringing common sense into the equation.(sounds ethnic to me). This relatioinship is two years old and she is still living with her parents, if they were heading for marriage, most couples would have moved in together and be sharing expenses by now, so this is a girl who still treats her funds like pocket money and has a long way to go before being ready for the mutual sacrifice of marriage. Marriage makes nonsense of such trivia as 'who pays for the fish and chips' if you can afford to buy takeout at all!

My advice to her would be; Don't ever shirk pulling your weight in any relationship. It is hard enough for anyone to stand upright and cope with life's stresses without someone else leaning on you, like deadwood. Even if the man can afford it, Don't be dependant. Gain your independance, and never give it up. To do so, is to give someone else control over your life. The Galah had a point (from a galah's point of view) women who allow men to totally pay their way are obligated to PLEASE. So do not let money define your standing in the relationship. And likewise, do not be inconsiderate and selfish in your expectations. Sex for shelter was the past, leave it there. A free meal is a kind gesture, not an obligation, appreciate it and return the compliment. Or decline and go without to a fair ratio, so you can both save for your goals.

[Gypsybell]

Eh, good in some ways, and not in others. I would be happy to trade back (some) of the money in exchange for the return of *real* men, but that's just me.

Agree, Vashti, 'equality' is all very well, but when one is the mother of sons they must ask 'Is it turning into emasculation'?.

[McRich01]

I always offered to pay for my ex, Was more a force of habit really, I do tend to think that the guy should pay for most things, However not for everything. Moneys money at the end of the day, Just some material you keep in your pocket to spend, A happy girlfriend who loves me is way more important. However there has to be a fine line, Because if you buy everything then how do you know they aren't just with you because of your money ? And besides, A relationship is a commitment between two people, Therefore you should offer to pay for things as much as he does.

[GirlOne]

I still think the OP is money-grabbing and justifying her parent's view to back up her complaints that she doesn't like paying for things in the relationship, which was the purpose of her OP - she doesn't like paying for things in the relationship and thinks her man should pay 100% for her all the time, do we agree?

By her own comments - she's living at home with no expenses and after her part-time job she has $500 cash left over each month. That is a hell of a lot of spare cash she has each month and easily enough for her to pay her own way without complaining about it and still have savings. Meanwhile her boyfriend pays rent and doesn't have too much money.

The bills of the relationship should be split 50/50.

Meanwhile the parents view is completely selfish: they're just hoping she marries Mr Megabucks so that son-in-law pays for mother and father in the retirement home.

[Wakeup]

I still think the OP is money-grabbing and justifying her parent's view to back up her complaints that she doesn't like paying for things in the relationship, which was the purpose of her OP - she doesn't like paying for things in the relationship and thinks her man should pay 100% for her all the time, do we agree?

NO! Further more, your links did not back up what you were trying to push either.

By her own comments - she's living at home with no expenses and after her part-time job she has $500 cash left over each month. That is a hell of a lot of spare cash she has each month and easily enough for her to pay her own way without complaining about it and still have savings. Meanwhile her boyfriend pays rent and doesn't have too much money.

Where did you read her boyfriend didn't have too much money?

The bills of the relationship should be split 50/50.

They both should be prepared to treat one another once and a while as well. Right now they pay their own ways as far as entertainment expenses go. This is where her parents tried to influence her into being resentful that her boyfriend doesn't pay for 100% of entertainment expenses.

Meanwhile the parents view is completely selfish: they're just hoping she marries Mr Megabucks so that son-in-law pays for mother and father in the retirement home.

Can you show us in this thread where you came up with that? Even if Op does expect, or did expect her bf to pay for everything but doesn't any longer, that is a rather ridiculous assumption about her parents.

[GirlOne]

Nicole (OP) said "My bf has thrown MANY complaints that he shouldn't be paying all the time and that he didn't have this problem in his previous relationships" ... Meanwhile OP is complaining that her current boyfriend is paying 70% and in all her previous relationships the guys have paid 100% for everything.

I think the writing's on the wall.

I'm done with this thread. I said and several other posters said that in the 21st century, in the western world, women should be paying 50/50. Nuff said.

Incidentally it's girls like OP, who give women a bad name. As soon as she gets a ring on her finger it'll be no more sex for him, followed by haemorraging money out of his account throughout his marriage and a divorce settlement than gives him 2 cents to live on for the rest of his time on the planet.

[Wakeup]

Nicole (OP) said "My bf has thrown MANY complaints that he shouldn't be paying all the time and that he didn't have this problem in his previous relationships" ... Meanwhile OP is complaining that her current boyfriend is paying 70% and in all her previous relationships the guys have paid 100% for everything.

They had that conversation AFTER her parents complained to her about her boyfriend.

I think the writing's on the wall.

You make assumptions and then believe and present your thoughts as fact. BTW: You forgot that she also said this about her previous relationships:

I would always offer to step in and take the bill now and then because I didn't want to seem greedy or feel like I was taking advantage of the situation and they would accept, but only here and there.

I'm done with this thread. I said and several other posters said that in the 21st century, in the western world, women should be paying 50/50.

She already said they were paying 50/50 and she was fine until her parents influenced her.

Incidentally it's girls like OP, who give women a bad name. As soon as she gets a ring on her finger it'll be no more sex for him, followed by haemorraging money out of his account throughout his marriage and a divorce settlement than gives him 2 cents to live on for the rest of his time on the planet.

There you go with your assumptions and rhetoric once again.

Yea, you're right. "Nuff said."

[vashti]

Nicole (OP) said "My bf has thrown MANY complaints that he shouldn't be paying all the time and that he didn't have this problem in his previous relationships" ... Meanwhile OP is complaining that her current boyfriend is paying 70% and in all her previous relationships the guys have paid 100% for everything.

I think the writing's on the wall.

I'm done with this thread. I said and several other posters said that in the 21st century, in the western world, women should be paying 50/50. Nuff said.

Incidentally it's girls like OP, who give women a bad name. As soon as she gets a ring on her finger it'll be no more sex for him, followed by haemorraging money out of his account throughout his marriage and a divorce settlement than gives him 2 cents to live on for the rest of his time on the planet.

You're a male, aren't you?

[HeartIsAching]

Wow! What is this? The 1920's? A guy should be paying for pretty much everything? What happened to equality? This is the 21st Century. The guy is saving for a house, most women would be over the moon at that, as it's putting money away for BOTH YOUR futures. I honestly think you dont deserve this guy. Why dont you spilt up, then date a whole bunch of random guys just to get your free lunch, while he goes out and gets a girl who appreciates him, especially when they move into that big house he bought with those savings, while you're still living with your parents. Who knows, maybe you'll end up with the kind of guy who takes all YOUR money, spends it on drink and drugs and gambling, and leaves you in mountains of debt. Argghh! This attitude totally irritates me. Poor guy!

Aren't you the moron that thinks that you shouldn't pay rent in the house you live in?

[IndiReloaded]

his wife is now the main full time bread winner, as she earns twice what he does as head neuro surgeon.

You are missing the point. On average, ANY neurosurgeon earns more than an engineer. The question is, what does she earn relative to her male colleagues? In fact, I'm surprised its only twice as much, given what I know of both engineer and surgeon salaries.

I don't suppose you know that many corporations factor in women executives *exactly because* they know they can save 15% on salary (and associated benefits). And then there's that 'glass ceiling'...

[GirlOne]

lol. Thanks Vashti, you really made me laugh. I know I said I wouldn't reply to this thread as I know it just adds fuel to the fire, but I'm new to this site and a couple of posts have really, really made me laugh. Just for the comedy value.

I'm a girl.

But from an interestingly sociological point of view, I'm wondering all the times I've insisted on paying my way ... how many times I've done myself out of sex ... damn! for instance, I meet up with a guy ... he offers to pay, I insist I'm paying my way (because I want to make it clear to him I'm no gold-digger and that if I choose to have sex it's on my terms and not because I 'owe' him because he's bought my drinks/dinner/movie whatever. Also, because I would be terrified of any guy saying bad things behind my back like 'I paid for her meal and I never got any, bitch' stuff like that. So every single time I've paid my share. Always. Now I'm wondering as there have been heaps of times when I insist on paying that the guy's look sad, and I've wondered why he's looked sad when I insist on paying and we have a nice evening, it's just friendship (no sex involved). Damn. The penny drops. The time the guy realises it's just friendship and he pulls back.

Also, I remember loads of times conversations with female friends when the discussion is 'offering to pay' to a guy with no actual intention of paying at all. I'm wondering lol ... the actress part of the OP how many times and what a convincing job she does of fluttering her eyelashes and saying "I can pay" whilst touching her purse lol ...

Man, I need to play the game better. Damn! lol ... (but at least I sleep easy at night and have a clear conscience) ...

[vashti]

Also, because I would be terrified of any guy saying bad things behind my back like 'I paid for her meal and I never got any, bitch' stuff like that.

I have a clear conscience, and I don't think I've ever paid for a date that I was invited on. The men I tend to date would feel emasculated if I did. Why should I deny them the opportunity to feel generous and manly? But I definitely reciprocate... usually by cooking for them (assuming I still like them). I certainly have never felt I "owed" him something (other than my thanks) afterwards, and I've never had a man accuse me of being a gold digger.

But I laughed about some guy potentially bitching that I didn't put out after he bought dinner. That's hysterical! And I wouldn't give a rat's ass if he did. No one I'd hang out with would be dumb enough to think that dinner = sex.