Please help..... *Should my long term boyfriend of 2 years pay for me?*

[Nicole90]

I know that this is a HIGHLY common and probably frequent concern/topic. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. All of my relationships before him, the men were always very generous and would take me out to dinners, lunches, movies, and pay. I would always offer to step in and take the bill now and then because I didn't want to seem greedy or feel like I was taking advantage of the situation and they would accept, but only here and there. The guy I'm with now, has thrown many complaints saying that it should never be expected for a guy to pay. Sure, in the first couple of months it's appropriate, but he feels that once a relationship has had it's go for a while, that the "burden" shouldn't always be on the guy. (SIGH) He had one serious relationship before me of 4 years, and supposedly money wasn't an issue with them. So we came up with a happy medium of trading off treating eachother and every now and then if one of us were feeling more generous, then we would take over for that place in time. I ended up trying to see an understanding and I've been going with it for a while. I still live at home, and he is on his own. So yes, he has higher bills than me, but he works full time and I do not. He gets benefits, paid holidays even, and not to mention, my mom found him this job.... I am also going to school and he is not. So... since he makes more than me.... (don't know exact numbers... but I know that he seems to be able to spend $1,600 in bills monthly comfortably....) should this be a red flag that he is just stingy? He says he wants to save money for a down payment on a house...etc (right now he is renting) but my parents are the ones who have brought all of this two my attention atleast twice, and it's very aggravating. Personally, I will tell you I make about $830 a month, (going a little low) and my monthly bills are about $300, so I do have extra left over, but I'm trying to build my savings up also, and he has a considerable amount more than I do. I'm just confused, because my parents input has screwed up my mind, and when I tell my boyfriend about this, he gets defensive and they are both completely different people. My parents feel like the guy should be paying for mostly everything, and I don't even come from wealth!!!! My boyfriend was NOT raised with a mother at ALL and just a dad who didn't seem to do much in the way of teaching the roles of a gentleman. Please help me......

[Cerby]

Well, I guess you really just want takes on the situation, so here is how I see it, and as my situation is similar, this might help.

I make quite a bit of money, I have my own condo, car, bills, life, everything. My gf works part time, doesn't make even remotely close to what I do, and sinks most of her income into rent, bills, etc.

When we first started dating, I always covered because thats how I feel about dating. About 2 months in, she told me she feels uncomfortable with me paying all the time because I also have bills and savings that I'm working on. Awesome that she doesn't care about the difference in income and does see that I too also need to save money (you need to see this about your bf too, just because he makes more doesn't mean his money is any more expendable).

We agreed to something different, we'll go out to eat FAR less than we did, when we do we'll alternate bills, and we'll cook for each other more often in order to save restaurant spending. When it comes to activities, we plan in advance, I inform her of when I plan to pay so she isn't uncomfortable, and things go off well.

OP, its all about how you manage the situation. Don't expect him to cover everything just because he makes more than you do. Saving for a house is a huge project, took me over a year to save just for a down payment and I was single at the time! Find some way to meet in the middle.

[Devilsbane]

Here is my take. As a guy, I'm always going to offer. And a lot of times even fight for it. But I don't have all the money in the world and if I ALWAYS have to pay, it is eventually going to start to bug me. If I'm dating a girl with a job (which I pretty much always have) and you blow your money on stupid stuff at the mall while I'm blowing all mine to take you to dinner and movies then eventually a vein is going to burst in my head.

He is right, you should NEVER expect your guy to pay. Once you start expecting it then you have de-sensitized yourself to his kinds gesture and are now taking it for granted. The way I have had it in several relationships is that whoever initiates the date pays. If I ask you to a movie, it makes sense that I pay. If you say lets go grab lunch, then it makes sense that you would. One girl I with wanted to go out all the time (where as I enjoy a nice cozy night in) and after months of being together it really became annoying and it started bothering me that I was just paying for her nights out. (Even though I offered)

On an off topic, a huge pet peeve I have is how girls cling to the gender roles when it benefits them (getting free meals, having doors opened, being driven around) but then claim to want complete equality. You just can't have it both ways. This goes back to what I said above, enjoy and appreciate when somebody goes out of there way to try and make you happy and just don't expect it. And ALWAYS thank him when he pays for things. I know some people that overlook saying the words, and it really means a lot.

But back to the point. Money is one of the most common reasons couples break up. You need to work with him to find something that you are more comfortable with. Like I said above, I'm a big fan of the whoever asks pays. If you don't have the money, don't ask. If he doesn't, he won't ask. The down side to this is that you might not go out as much, but if neither of you feel that you have the money then you probably shouldn't be anyway.

Hope that helps.

[scott green]

I'm just confused, because my parents input has screwed up my mind, and when I tell my boyfriend about this, he gets defensive and they are both completely different people. My parents feel like the guy should be paying for mostly everything:

Wow! What is this? The 1920's? A guy should be paying for pretty much everything? What happened to equality? This is the 21st Century. The guy is saving for a house, most women would be over the moon at that, as it's putting money away for BOTH YOUR futures. I honestly think you dont deserve this guy. Why dont you spilt up, then date a whole bunch of random guys just to get your free lunch, while he goes out and gets a girl who appreciates him, especially when they move into that big house he bought with those savings, while you're still living with your parents. Who knows, maybe you'll end up with the kind of guy who takes all YOUR money, spends it on drink and drugs and gambling, and leaves you in mountains of debt. Argghh! This attitude totally irritates me. Poor guy!

[Nicole90]

Please don't get the wrong idea.... I do appreciate him, and I do not by any means have the mind set of a gold digger, or want to take advantage of anything. I was fine with splitting things, but when my parents got involved it was screwing with my perception, so that is why I came on here to get advice.....

[Jazzersize]

She gives him sex, in exchange he spends money on her. What's wrong? She's just another whore, same as all the rest. I'm sorry. Whore is too strong a word. Traditionalist? Does that make you feel comfy?

Money for sex is prostitution. At least some women are honest about what they are.

[Devilsbane]

Never ever let your parents control your relationship. Who is driving your life? The girl I want to get back with won't even let me mention on facebook that we hung out out of fear that her stepdad will see it and it will get back to her mom and she is too afraid to tell her mom that we are trying to work things out. If it wasn't for her mom, we would probably be dating now and I could be showing her everything that I can give her. Until then I'm just in no mans land. So do what is best for you and your relationship. If you're happy, who cares what your parents opinion is? (Asking for advice is one thing. Letting them push their beliefs is another).

[Wakeup]

but when my parents got involved it was screwing with my perception,

nothing like one's parents to perpetuate the mentallity of entitlement!

She gives him sex, in exchange he spends money on her. What's wrong? She's just another whore, same as all the rest. I'm sorry. Whore is too strong a word. Traditionalist? Does that make you feel comfy?

Money for sex is prostitution. At least some women are honest about what they are.

*shakes head*

Did you read the thread or were you just too anxious to jump in with your opinion? He doesn't pay for everything and she's wondering if he should.

[Jazzersize]

You're an annoying limp-dick prick.

She WANTS him to spend money on her because she's a whore/traditionalist. There, are you happy, Captain Impotence? Is that clear enough for your slowly turning gears or should I take it down a notch for ya?

[Wakeup]

No she doesn't WANT him to spend money on her. She was fine with them sharing expenses until her parents put their two entitlement thinking cents into her head.

Please try not to instill your misogyny in every thread.

Please don't get the wrong idea.... I do appreciate him, and I do not by any means have the mind set of a gold digger, or want to take advantage of anything. I was fine with splitting things, but when my parents got involved it was screwing with my perception, so that is why I came on here to get advice.....

[Nicole90]

Thank-you, 'Wakeup' for understanding the real topic here.... I will disregard all the ill comments.... I am not any of those things..... and are in no way looking for some type of "exchange" no one was talking about sex here....

[scott green]

Thank-you, 'Wakeup' for understanding the real topic here.... I will disregard all the ill comments.... I am not any of those things..... and are in no way looking for some type of "exchange" no one was talking about sex here....

Ok, let's try a role reversal here. Say you had a penis, and he had a vagina. Would you be happy to pay for EVERYTHING in the relationship, pay for meals EVERYTIME you went out, payed for you both EVERYTIME you went to the cinema / bowling / whatever, just because you had a penis and he did not? Think about it? Would you be ok to pay for everything if you were the one with the penis?

God! I can't believe people think like this! Its like the whole womans rights and equality thing just never happened!?

[surfhb]

First thing you should understand in life is that parents are just as lame and clueless as the rest of us.
Talk to him and tell him your thoughts and come to an agreement . It's possible this house he's saving could be yours someday as well.

[surfhb]

Ok, let's try a role reversal here. Say you had a penis, and he had a vagina. Would you be happy to pay for EVERYTHING in the relationship, pay for meals EVERYTIME you went out, payed for you both EVERYTIME you went to the cinema / bowling / whatever, just because you had a penis and he did not? Think about it? Would you be ok to pay for everything if you were the one with the penis?

God! I can't believe people think like this! Its like the whole womans rights and equality thing just never happened!?

It still a man's world. Sucks but it's true

[oldskool83]

its nice if a girl pays every once in a while....lets just put i that way...even its if just taco bell and a slushy....