Should I stay or should I go?

[inpain]

So my girlfriend and I have been together for a year and 9 months, and for 6 months it's been a long distance thing. When I last saw her I told her I wanted to be closer to her and I wanted to move to her city, either live together or apart but in the same city. Well her reaction was not at all what I expected. She was hesitant and kinda changed the subject. Anyway, I came back home and sent her a flower arrangement just as a "thinking of you" type of moment. She told me she loved them. We had a small spat about how I felt she wasn't giving me my place as her BF and this upset her. I think back and I could have been more calm and talked about it in a different manner. Anyway the next day she tells me she needs space to fire things out and I agreed because I thought I might lose her if I didnt. Well then she says we need a break. Agai , I agreed eventhough I personally don't believe in breaks. But for 2 weeks we kept in touch. She would call or text and I would too however she didn't want to tall about the situation and would speak to me as if I were a friend or acquaintance which I didn like. I gave her chances to break it off but she didn't but she didnt say she wanted it either. So last week I told her it was best if we didnt speak for a week and then I would go see her so we could talk in person. She said she wanted to see me but it was too soon to do so. So at this point I told her to call me when she had figured things out. We haven't spoken since. I guess I just want to know where we stand and she doesn't want to talk about it over the phone. I feel like flying over to see her face to face and get some closure if indeed we are over. I'm so confused. Do you guys think it is a good idea to go see her and talk? Or will it just push her away even more? I want this to work and want to exhaust all efforts before each person going our separate ways. Any advice would be helpful.

[Krik]

I wouldn't go and see her.

Sounds like she needs some space, and is trying to give you hints. Probably the best things to do is to stop contacting her all together, at least for some time, to let things settle.

Let her miss you.

Sounds like she wants her freedom, and you pressurising her for answers, and to get 'closure; will not help your cause.

Good luck

[devonbrown]

I am sorry to say this, but I think that you two have already broken up. You had distance, fights, breaks, no contact, disagreements, and now complete separation. The only thing that is keeping you together in your mind right now is your mind. Flying over there will not help matters. In fact, I think it would have a very negative response if you tried that.

I think it is best to just realize that it is over and concentrate on yourself for a while. Be a little selfish and do things that you want to do without worrying about anyone else. Time is what you need right now to get past things and realize it is for the best.

Good luck.

[BrokenHearted78]

I don't think you should just show up there. Give her some space, let her figure out what she wants, take this time to think about things and whether it's best to just move on...

[bloodtippedrose]

It seems like theres something shes avoiding telling you. It's been six months, and feelings can significantly change in six months. Why did she move anyway? School? Work? It sounds like she wants to break up but doesn't want to do the dirty work of making it official.

She might also be using you as an emotional "leg to stand on" if her new found freedom doesn't work out. Whatever the reason, I would get used to the inevitability of the breakup and moving on. You shouldn't be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. One of you has to make it official and end this torment.

[inpain]

Thank you all for your advice!!!!

I have been trying to convince myself that it is indeed over. But letting go of someone you love so much is hard, investing 2 years of your life is hard.

@bloodtippedrose - she didn't move away. I did. I met her at work. The company I worked for sent me to her state and office because they were short handed but I stayed here for a year. Then I was sent to another state for 4 months but we made the relationship work. I would go see her or she would come see me. We saw each other at least a weekend in each of those 4 months. After that gig I went back home and flew out to see her again. Right after that, I was sent back to her state for work for another 4 months. after this, we took a weekend getaway for her birthday. So it is not like we didn't see each other during the long distance phase. When I told her I wanted to be closer to her and be done with the long distance that's when all this started.

She texted me last week saying she was homesick (she's currently working away from her hometown) so I gave her some advice and she said that hearing from me helped her heart. She told me she loved me as did I. I'm getting mixed signals here and that's the reason I want to fly out there. I'm trying to get used to the fact that it is over, just wished she would come out and say it.

[bloodtippedrose]

Those are mixed signals but she at least owes you an explanation. Even if it is over though flying out there would be a waste of money. Give her some time to think things over and then call her. She either wants to be with you or she doesn't, there is no in-between. There is no on and off. There is no taking breaks. Forget that. Are we together or aren't we? What went wrong? Why do you not want me around in person, are you seeing someone else? You don't believe in breaks so this can't continue.

[inpain]

That's the same way I feel. After 2 years, if he ever lovede like se said she did, the least she can do is give me an explanation. I want to believe that she does need time because I have given her every chance to break it off but she doesn't. And yeah I don't believe in breaks, we're either together or not, no gray area but I love this girl so much that I want to exhaust all efforts before calling it quits. Another question, I have some picture of us that I was going to give her but with all that's going on I don't know if I should. If I did I would send them to her via snail mail along with a note along the lines of "thought you should have these." something short. What do you think? Good idea or no?

[curiousgurl29]

If it makes you feel better, then send them. But, then, are you just going to be waiting for a response? It may just prolong an already pretty painful breakup. I, too, am just coming out of a long-distance relationship. I was with my ex for 2 1/2 years in the same country. Then, I moved back to the US and my ex stayed in his country. We have been away from each other for about 10 months now. Just a week ago we once and for all called it off. We are not facebook friends anymore, either, so no messaging or chatting. It is REALLY hard calling it quits, because you do invest so much in each other. We were "together" for three years. It is painful. In the end, I was the one who called it off. But I think when you say "she should have just been up front", I think you need to remember that (at least in my opinion) love is not always black and white. She may have felt very confused. Unfortunately, after spending SO much time apart, people often grow apart. It just happens. Idefinitely think you need to move on though, if neither of you can live in the same place. It's going to hurt for a while ,but you'll be okay.

[inpain]

Well if I send them I'm not going to expect a response although she's the type of girl that would respond. I would feel better if she had them since it was a time when we were happy together, good memories. What she does with them is up to her. In regards to the distance, it was 6 months but we saw each other at least a weekend in all but 1 month. I know it's not the same as seeing each other daily but we both made efforts to make it work. Now it just seems she wants to walk away without trying to work things out. Funny thing is that she won't give me any real reason to break up.
I'm sure you're having a hard time too. It sucks when someone plays a huge part in your life and then they're gone. I feel your pain. Im accepting the fact that it's over but it's hard to let go.

[Tanguerra]

I'd keep the photos if they mean a lot to you. If they mean nothing to her she'd probably toss them out, and that would be a pity wouldn't it? Also, isn't that a bit 'passive aggressive'? After all, you haven't actually officially broken up at this point.

"So last week I told her it was best if we didnt speak for a week and then I would go see her so we could talk in person. She said she wanted to see me but it was too soon to do so. So at this point I told her to call me when she had figured things out. We haven't spoken since. I guess I just want to know where we stand and she doesn't want to talk about it over the phone......She texted me last week saying she was homesick (she's currently working away from her hometown) so I gave her some advice and she said that hearing from me helped her heart. She told me she loved me as did I."

It could be that she's just been really busy / depressed / homesick / whatever and it's nothing to do with you. It could be that she's met someone and wants to see how it goes before breaking off with you. It could be that nothing's the matter at all.

After all, if I'm reading the above correctly it's only been a week since you last spoke and then it was you who said you wanted to have some 'space'. The last time you spoke you told each other you loved each other? Am I missing something here? Maybe she feels as though she's getting mixed messages?

..When I last saw her I told her I wanted to be closer to her and I wanted to move to her city, either live together or apart but in the same city. Well her reaction was not at all what I expected. She was hesitant and kinda changed the subject...

It seems like the trouble started when you said you wanted to move closer to her, but she seemed 'cool' on the idea. Perhaps she is thinking of moving cities instead? Maybe she thought you weren't being very 'ardent' by saying you could live together or not? Maybe she would have liked you to say you wanted to live together and she felt a bit rejected or unloved? Maybe she was just a bit distracted that day and was not really paying attention to what you were saying and was doing her nails at the time that's why she sounded 'cool'? Who knows? Phone calls can be a tough way to really work out what someone's thinking.

I would certainly suggest just phoning her up as though nothing's wrong (which could well be the case anyway) and just make a time when you guys can catch up again for a weekend of fun and romance. Maybe you could both meet up somewhere nice and have a little mini-break? The long distance thing is hard. People get lonely. People get bored. People can lose the connection. People can meet someone else if you don't watch out. If you love her as you say you do you're going to have to work on your own fears and insecurities, put away any neediness, relax from being demanding, don't let your imagination run away with you, be happy, be romantic and take charge of this situation like a 'man'. You sound as though both of you need a hug. If she says no, she doesn't want to meet up with you for a weekend, then you will know for sure that there's a problem. It would put an end to the terrible suspense in any case. Then you could just have a proper conversation about it.

[GaryUranga]

If it were me I'd break it off, you gotta be the one setting the standards for what you accept and what you dont accept, I wouldnt accpet this knd of behavior from anyone.

[GaryUranga]

I forgot to say.

I'd try to make things staright before taking the decision, go for stating what you want and leading the entire situation.

A lot of times what a woman needs if for you to lead, if you try this and it doesn't work, go for my first post

[inpain]

I have copies of the pictures that I would like her to have. And at this point I would say we have not broken up officially so all the more reason to give the pictures to her. She will either keep them or toss them out. I'm just totally confused about this whole situation. I sent her a text saying that I did not want to break up but for her to tale her time and analyze things and to get back to me when she had done that. She replied that she preferred for me to text her than anyone else and that I was always on her mind. Again, very confusing.

As for me asking for us not to contact each other is was due to the fact that she didn't want to talk about the situation. She lead me to take that decision. If she had just given me something, a hint to what she is thinking. Maybe it was the wrong decision I don't know but I just felt she was jerking me around by acting as if nothing was wrong and by avoiding talking about our situation. We have always had great communication and always been up front with each other.

I truly love this girl and I have don e everything in my power to keep this alive. It seems she is not putting the effort to make it work. I guess I can give her more space but I'm preparing for her call one day to say it's over. It sucks!

[Tanguerra]

"I sent her a text saying that I did not want to break up but for her to take her time and analyze things and to get back to me when she had done that. She replied that she preferred for me to text her than anyone else and that I was always on her mind. Again, very confusing."

You are definitely having some kind of miscommunication issue here I think. It's possible that she's having second thoughts about the relationship. It's also possible that she thinks you are having second thoughts so therefore she is being a bit cautious in her responses. It's possible a lot of this drama is in your imagination and she doesn't even have a problem with you, except perhaps that you keep giving her 'space' which she might interpret as 'abandonment' or 'coldness' or lack of love. She might think you are having an affair for all you know, which is why she's been acting a bit 'weird'. (She might think it's you acting 'weird'!)

The whole 'space' thing can be problematic in relationships. Men like having space to get their heads clear sometimes and they will sometimes get annoyed if a woman keeps 'bugging them' when they say they need space. Guys will often advise each other to leave a woman alone for a week or so after the first date or if they've had a fight or a disagreement. This is usually crummy advice. Women, usually when they're upset, rather than wanting to be left alone to work it through themselves prefer attention - someone who will listen to them, reassure them, tell them everything will be OK, be on their side, be by their side...(you know the way women get together to talk and make a fuss and support each other when one of them is upset? Like that).

So, if a man suddenly stops calling for a week (even, or especially, if they've just had a fight or something) the woman might interpret this as him losing interest in her, not caring about her, not loving her and maybe going to leave her. Yes, it can seem a bit illogical to a man, but there you go. You should definitely just phone her and talk to her. Do it in the afternoon sometime and do it sober!

Just call her up and say 'Hey baby (or whatever). How are you? Just thought I'd give you a call to see how you're doing... Are you doing OK...? How's work? What's the weather like....? Did you ever find out about that thing/how's your Mother.... (or refer to something you might have been talking about last time you saw her....)" Just be her 'friend'. The person she knows, loves and trusts. Try to be relaxed about it and she will relax about it too.

Now, if just a casual phone call like that doesn't go too well, if you get a very 'frosty' reception or obviously if she says outright she doesn't want to talk to you, Houston, you've got a problem. If she says she busy, she's working or something, just be cool. Ask her when would be a good time to call back. She might be feeling a bit conflicted about things at the moment, all the more reason to be polite, nice, cooperative and emotionally 'neutral' towards her (not needy or whiny or over the top).

If that first bit goes OK, then you might talk about your feelings for her a bit (rather than interrogating her about her feelings for you or asking her if she wants to break up with you or whatever): "I've been missing you so much this week, honey. I think about you a lot and wonder how we could work it out so we could be together as soon as possible. I wish we were in the same city! You know this 'absence makes the heart grow fonder thing' really sucks doesn't it? I love you baby. I was even thinking of flying over there to see you, I miss you so much it's driving me crazy. Would you like that?..."

Don't lay a whole lot of "heavy duty stuff" on her like: does she want to break up or is she seeing someone else or things like that over the phone. She's right, it's better to do the really 'deep and meaningful' stuff face to face. You guys definitely 'need to talk'.

Hope that helps!