Are there resonable limits to trust?

[Pete69]

I need some advice from the ladies. I know what my guy friends will say about this already.

Everyone talks about trust in relationships, and how it's all important to making a relationship work. I completely agree... but:

Are there reasonable limits to what you should ask your significant other to trust you about? Think crazy stuff... for instance, would you trust your guy to spend time with his ex? How about is he needed to spend time with his ex twice a week? What if he needed to spend time with his ex, and wasn't comfortable with you being around while he was with her? What if he needed to sleep in the house she lives in twice a week, and wasn't ok with you being there? What if he needed to sleep in the same bed with her, but told you "We won't have sex. What?! You need to trust me... I love you..."?

Where's the limit past wich it's not reasonable for someone to tell you "You just need to trust me."?

You see, through a bazar twist of fate, I've found myself in one of the scenarios I listed above, and I just can't handle it. I'm told "You need to trust me... we're engaged" but the situation is just so crazy that i can't make myself ok with it, and I think I may need to end this relationship even though we are engaged, and the wedding is a month and a half away...

[Wakeup]

I need some advice from the ladies. I know what my guy friends will say about this already.

Everyone talks about trust in relationships, and how it's all important to making a relationship work. I completely agree... but:

Are there reasonable limits to what you should ask your significant other to trust you about? Think crazy stuff... for instance, would you trust your guy to spend time with his ex? How about is he needed to spend time with his ex twice a week? What if he needed to spend time with his ex, and wasn't comfortable with you being around while he was with her? What if he needed to sleep in the house she lives in twice a week, and wasn't ok with you being there? What if he needed to sleep in the same bed with her, but told you "We won't have sex. What?! You need to trust me... I love you..."?

Where's the limit past wich it's not reasonable for someone to tell you "You just need to trust me."?

The limit is what YOU yourself can tolerate. If his bullshit is making you a crazy person then that is the limit. This is not like you're a paranoid, insecure clingon.

You see, through a bazar twist of fate, I've found myself in one of the scenarios I listed above, and I just can't handle it. I'm told "You need to trust me... we're engaged" but the situation is just so crazy that i can't make myself ok with it, and I think I may need to end this relationship even though we are engaged, and the wedding is a month and a half away...

What would be the reason why he would HAVE TO spend two nights a week sleeping in the same house as his ex?
I don't know of too many people that would be that naive .. er.. I mean trusting of their SO doing such a thing, The fact you are engaged means diddly squat when he is disrespecting your relationship while he caters to the one in his past.

[oneandonly]

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
-Ernest Hemingway-

I personally like this quote and am happy to live by that.

Having said that, I would not be involved with a guy who is in touch with exs. I just don't feel comfortable with it. To me, exs are exs and for very good reasons. I'd be happier with a person who has the same POV on this. As far as I am concerned, there is absolutely no need to keep in touch with exs unless there is a child between them which is perfectly understandable.

I'm not sure what to say, OP, except I'd be very unhappy too if I were you!

[GirlOne]

I think you need to end it, as you are being manipulated over that old chestnut "If you trust me ..."

Exes are exes for a reason. The big flag is he doesn't want you there while he's with his ex. Why? Either he's lying to his ex or he's lying to you, that's why you can't be together in the same room.

What's all this 2 nights a week sleeping over at his exes?????? That's outrageous. You're engaged. He should be having no contact at all with the ex, let alone sleeping over at the ex's house.

Even worse is he's sleepingg in the ex's bed and claiming nothing is happening (shakes head).

It reminds me of when married guys are telling mistresses that they don't have sex with the wife, but they sleep in the same bed and the wife doesn't understand them or it's complicated. Then the mistress finds out from a third person that the wife is expecting a baby and then the wife and mistress meet up. The wife says they have regular great sex and the wife is nice-looking and has a great personality ... End result wife and mistress realise they've been lied to by the slimeball who's having his cake and eat it ...

[Pete69]

Ok, there's been a misunderstanding here.

It's been a fortunate misunderstanding, for me anyway, so I’ve let it go... but after reading this last post, I see I have to clear it up.

I'm a guy. I'm engaged to a woman... If you look at my username, you'll see that it's "Pete69". Yes, my name's Pete. That's misunderstanding number one, and i let it go because I wanted the reaction of the ladies to my situation... because I created this post to show it to her once there were a few replies. You girls didn't disappoint, either. Thank you.

Thank you for the advice... I really appreciate it. You helped me quite a bit.

GirlOne: In my original post, I listed several different senarios. I'm not dealing with all of that - thank god. No, she's not sleeping int he same bed as her ex. And the house she wanted to go and spend the night in twice a week is HER rental - it's just that this guy currently lives there. Her apartment is full of her stuff... her cats, her clothes, ect. He has a room of his own down the hall... and I'm told that they have a business arrangement that includes room and board for him, where he fixes up houses that she buys so she can flip them, or rent them... or live in them.

The craziness is that she needed to sleep there twice a week, and wasn't comfortable with me sleeping there too... She gave me all these benign bull**** excuses as to why she needed to sleep there. She missed her cats (I told her to bring them to my place - she refused)... She wanted to do her laundry (I offered to have it done for us - she refused)... She wanted to sleep in her own bed... She's uncomfortable with having me spend the night there while there are people in the house... ect ect ect.

I lived in NY all my life... She lived there too when we were teenagers, and we dated then. We reconnected a year ago, and she lived in IL. She has a much better career then I do, and I can get work just about anywhere, so when things got more serious between us, I moved out to IL. She found me an apartment 15 minutes away. We spend every day together... I've met this guy. I've been to the house while they were there. He's not confused about who I am... While she's there, she answers the phone when I call... responds to my texts... and we text a lot, so I've been dealing with this crazyness for MONTHS.

This weekend, after a week of ugly fighting, I told her I'd had it with this situation. She decided not to sleep there anymore rather than have our relationship end... but this has put so much strain on us, that I don't really know what will happen in the long run anymore. I guess we'll see.

The last thing I want to ask, is my original question... only one of you answered it for me (thank you WakeUp), but I was hoping for something more solid. Where's the line? At what point is "You need to trust me" a ridiculous statement? For me, it's this situation... what do you girls think?

[Devilsbane]

I'm a guy, and I'd say that is crossing the line. My (then) girlfriend wasn't ok with my ex being in the picture at all. No texting, no facebooking, and certainly no contact. I thought that was unreasonable, and inevitably the big reason why we split. Since then, I've come to terms that what she was saying made sense. I had always told her that I would do anything for her, and it is quite clear now that that was a lie. Too little too late perhaps, but I said goodbye to the ex with the hope to get back together with the other girl. I've been trying to get her back for just over a month now, but some serious trust issues developed from me breaking her heart.

Anyway, I tell you this because there certainly is a line and only you can decide where it is at. I know I turned to Google when this whole thing happened to see what others felt. Some opinions were that I was right, others were that she was. Bottom line is that only my opinion and hers mattered. And hers was no ex if she was around. So decide where to draw your line, ow much are you ok with? And then stick with it.

For me, no sleeping over. Probably no hanging out without me (unless I met the other person and became trusting of them). But that is for you to decide.

Edit: And why twice a week? If he is spending 2 days with her, how many are you getting? That would never be cool with me.

[Pete69]

Thanks Devilsbane. And good luck with your own situation.

[Pete69]

Two nights a week was just the most recent... compromise? This has been a point of contention for us as long as I've lived in IL. It didn't start out that she spent more then 2 nights a week with ME. But just to be clear... we would spend every DAY together. She would be at my place until 8 or 10pm, and then leave to go there to sleep... when I first got to IL, she would spend a couple of nights at my place, and most of them at hers. Over time, this has been changing (because I hate it, and really can't deal). Until this weekend, two nights a week sleeping THERE was just where we were at. Now it's 0 nights a week there... but after all the stress and strife over this... the lingering resentments, and broken relationship elements, it may not even matter anymore.

I guess we'll see.

[Devilsbane]

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
-Ernest Hemingway-

I personally like this quote and am happy to live by that.

Thank you for posting this. Being that I'm trying to show someone that she an trust me, I have found this to be true. Haven't found a way to show her that yet though. This is going on Facebook. Thanks again for posting.

[theredbaron]

I know this sounds simplified, but here goes. The people I trust the most have never given me a reason to assess my trust in them. I trust my boyfriend completely. However, he has never put me in a situation in which I had to ask myself "do I trust him?" and to keep his trust in me in return, I do not do things, go places, or put myself in situations that would make him have to really trust me to be alright with it... If he were to put himself in a situation that made me uncomfortable enough to try to soothe myself by reminding myself of how much I trust him, I should really be wondering how someone whom I trust so much could so thoughtlessly put themself in a situation that would require my trust...

[MerryH]

I'm a bit confused. This is her own home she's spending a few nights a week at, right? He just happens to live there because that's the financial arrangement they agreed to? And if she's not staying there, she's staying with you?

If that's where she lives, then it's unreasonable for you to be upset that she goes home. Is it ideal that there's an ex living there? No, but she has a right to have her own personal space. And maybe she needs time to herself once in a while. There's nothing wrong with that. So you basically guilted her into moving in with you full-time because you don't like that she's around another man. What a sad way to begin this next level of your relationship. Moving in together should be a mutually agreed upon, happy occasion. I bet she resents you.

[bloodtippedrose]

You need to trust me with your personal belonging (i.e. car, guitar, etc.)
OK
You need to trust me when I hang out with my girl and guy friends without you
OK
You need to trust me with talking to my ex about getting something back
OK
You need to trust me when other girls flirt with me
OK
You need to trust me when I go with friend (girl) to fast food place
IFFY/OK
You need to trust me when I go out with friend (girl) to sit down restaurant
CIRCUMSTANTIAL/NO
You need to trust me to go to friend's (girl) house by myself
NO
You need to trust me to hang out with my ex alone
NO

Above is me personally, and each one is circumstantial really. Also I haven't been put in many of the situations described. I agree with theredbaron. Its questionable why your girl is putting you in this situation. She seems to be abusing your trust. If you feel wrong about something shes doing with her ex it is not unreasonable to let her know you want it to end. Don't become a doormat.

[Pete69]

MerryH: Yes, I'm sure she does resent me. Yes, I see your point of view here (and hers too). I know it's her apartment, and her things are there. Thanks for offering your opinion... I was waiting for a post like this. Specially because this situation is so crazy that most people see that right away, and respond to the craziness in their post.

Yes, those are all valid points and taken by themselves, they seem reasonable. This is the kind of thing that she said to me for months, and I, trying to be a good guy who loves her and was willing to be patient, accepted. However, there are a few other things to consider also. For instance:

1.) I would never do something like that to the woman I was with, engaged or not.

2.) I hated this situation because she told me that I couldn't be there (ever) while she was sleeping there and he was there.

3.) I HAVE spent the night there with her in the past while he WASN'T there (he was in eurpoe on vacation), so no matter what she said, it was always clear to me that the problem was that she didn't want me sleeping there while they both were home, and spending the night there. I can't imagine anyone ever being ok with that. I wasn't.

4.) Because of this, I was always in turmoil and she knew she was putting me through this.

5.) If her personal space and time to herself are that important to her, and she can't find a way to have them at my place, then why should we get married at all? These are things that should be normal and easy... I don't have a problem with them. If she needs to be away from me for 2 or more days a week so she can have her "personal space", something's terribly wrong. I need to know that NOW, so I don't marry this woman and then have to spend the rest of my life dealing with this additional craziness.

6.) And finally, I realized that if someone loves you they don't hurt you. And that was really the bottom line... she was putting me through hell, and she knew it. And didn't care.


That's why I did what I did this last weekend. I didn't "guilt" her into moving in with me - I gave her a choice... me and my place, or there and him. And honestly, I was just so frustrated with how miserable this situation had made me (and us), and her willingness to put me through that misery, that I was ok with whatever choice she made. But one way or another I was NOT going to live in this situation any longer.

Now... I have the sneeking suspicion that MerryH is actually my girl (I DID show her this thread, and I know she was less then happy with the fact that no one seemed to be supporting her, or really understood her point of view). If not, then maybe now you will understand a little better why I made the chioce I did. I don't believe I was wrong... and I will never allow myself to be put in a situation like this again. It just doesn't work for me at all.

[Wakeup]

Moving in together should be a mutually agreed upon, happy occasion. I bet she resents you.

Well, he's been resenting her living two days a week with her ex and she won't allow him to stay there when she and the ex are there, so why would you try and guilt him for having convictions and relationship boundaries? Every inidividual and every couple needs to have personal and relationship boundaries in place or the union won't last past the calming down of the hormones. She's crossing a very fundamental boundary that ALL monogamous couples have to one degree or another. If they couldn't come to a compromise then it's a damn good thing that they're testing out living together because like Op says, if she can't learn to live together while finding her space within the same household then their relastionship is built on a very shaky foundation.

OP: Hopefully you'll both get "unresentful" to one another and start viewing this as a lifemate partnership instead a battle of wills and mismatched ideals. Good luck.

PS: marry has been around since at least Sept. 2010. She's not your girlfriend she just isn't understanding the situation from what I gather.

[Pete69]

Thanks Wakeup. Me too.

About marry - good to know.