Mother/Daughter-in-law Relationship

[firewired]

My fiancee and I have been engaged for several months now and things have been going very well. She's living with now and my mother and her have gotten along great so far, but now things are a little off with them, therefore making me feel kind of off with the whole situation.

My mom and my step dad have been here helping us out over the past 3 or 4 weekends, and we haven't really had much time alone during this stretch. Well my fiancee got really quiet and visibly upset one of the last days that they were here and everyone noticed it. We talked about it after they left and now she's feeling kind of unsettled. She felt that I consulted more with my mother than with her on topics, and said she sometimes feels like the third wheel when she's with me and my mother.

I'm quite close with my mother, as we've been through alot together. She went through an ugly divorce and I was the person she talked to through most of it. We're real close and I talk to her nightly, as my fiancee talks to her mom nightly as well.

I don't want her to feel like she's the third wheel when we are the ones getting married, yet i don't want my mother to feel out of place or however you want to put it either.....i don't know, this is all new territory for all of us and I guess I'm having a tough time with it all. I just want everyone to be happy and comfortable with each other. They are two VERY different relationships obviously so it's strange to me that my fiancee is comparing the two.

I look forward to everyone's thoughts and input.

Thanks.

[oldskool83]

you and her both need to kidna cut the nightly talk with mommy, you marriege will never survie if you dont. your fiancee should be #1 woman in your life rigth now, there is competition against mom and it WILL ruin your marraige. have you guys even lived together yet?

[romantic_guy]

I know this can be a delicate balancing act. Before I give my opinion, what were the topics?

[firewired]

Yeah I know it can be a tough transition and that she should be the #1 woman in my life, but it's just a strange adjustment. I never really thought about it being a situation where i have to choose one over the other, because they both fill a different area in my life.

The topics were mainly about my house, nothing real big, but things about where to place some things in the house and what shower head to get etc. Things I should've talked to her about first because, yes, she has been living with me for almost a year.

I'm thinking it's one of those things that i never really thought about and will take some time to just work itself out. But I'm trying to figure out the best way to allow it to do that.

[vashti]

You must learn the number one rule that women impose on their men: "There shall be no other goddesses before me".

Did I understand you to say that you and your fiance are living with your mom? If so, that is a big mistake. Women can't live together well. The younger one is always trying to assert their authority, and the older one doesn't necessarily feel like bending to the will of a stranger. Tell your fiance to move out, and things will be better for everyone.

[Okay]

I know this feeling! :O
I love my boyfriend very much, and he loves me.
Yet at the same time he is extremely close to his Mother, because his Father is.. I shall say not a very good Father/Husband.
His other siblings are all older so have all left home and got married, so he being the youngest is the only one left at home.

It's like he feels responsible for being there for her because see seemingly has no one else close by. Yet when it is the 3 of us, perhaps shopping or just being in the house
(I don't live with them, but I do visit), I do feel a sense of weird-ness...
It's like a mixture of (I'm ashamed to admit) jealously, seeing as he always turns 100% attention to his Mother over me alot of the time and it puts me off and makes me feel like I'm invisible or something. It's saddening and I don't want to interfere with their relationship or anything, but as his Girlfriend, feeling like this is rather hurtful sometimes. As if for those moments she is the Queen and I become someone who's opinions are not needed or valued... :/

[firewired]

The three of us don't live together. My mom lives out of town about an hour's drive away. Me and my fiancee live together.

Okay, thanks for sharing that. It sounds like it's a very similar situation. I never ever want to make my fiancee feel unimportant, but I think I have by doing this same thing. My dad was not a good father/husband either and now my mom's with another guy but it sounds like that's not really going the best either so I probably do pay extra attention to her, feeling like I'm her only true real friend now.

I know it's not my responsibility to feel that way but I do. I've been single for quite some time before I entered into this relationship, so my mom and I would talk alot and we have been close for as long as I can remember, so I think it's probably going to be a little bit of a tough transition for all of us involved, but I'm sure there is a happy medium where my mom still feels important, but my future wife feels like she's number one and is my go-to person to talk to and for advice on things.

Sometimes the advice she gives me I don't really agree with, and then I'll ask my mom and she'll give me other advice that I tend to agree with more and go with that route. My fiancee doesn't know that I talk to both and that i took other advice over hers though of course....that would probably not make her feel very good.