I just need someone to tell me it gets better...

[Eagles81]

Good morning all,

New user here, recent victim of a breakup after a 1 year relationship and I've been experiencing feelings I haven't felt in the past and need some advice.

The long story short, we dated for a year. I'm 30, she's 24. We met at our place of employment and share a bunch of friends now. Our relationship was like a roller coaster. After two months she asked for space and wanted to be alone, but wanted the option of coming back to me if she decided to. I said no, it's all or nothing. She said "nothing" and that was that. Two days later she texted me with " I miss you" and we ended up back together. We progressed through the next 5 months with a handful of fights over irrelivant stuff here and there over things like what time she was going to come over or whether or not I was going to spend the night at her place on a certain weeknight since I have work early the next morning. She threatened to breakup each time giving me the "look, this isn't working, you're hiding something from me and I don't trust you". She was very impulsive. It usually ended with me sitting down and calmly speaking to her rationally, and talking her down and everything would be ok after that. Then we hit another point about 5 months in where she asked for her "space" again for a week, once again wanting the option to come back to me if she so desired. Again I told her no, it's all or nothing. We broke up again and I was miserable for a few days until we got back together - to be honest I don't even remember how we got back together this time, it's a blur. Now after that point, things seemed to have gotten better. In fact they were amazing, I'd never experienced love like this before. There were still little tiffs here and there but for the most part things were great. We were constantly texting each other stuff, telling each other how much we loved the other one. Then a few weeks ago I noticed a change, a lot of the lovey dovey texting stopped. I knew something was wrong, but I kept telling myself this is just that our "honeymoon phase" is over and that's it. She started falling asleep at night without texting or calling me (we always used to talk before going to sleep) and I'd have to say "I love you" first at the end of a convo for her to say it. However, when we were together things were amazing - everything felt so right. We were constantly holding each other. Finally 3 days ago she texted me with "I can't do this anymore, I'm so sorry." We spoke in person, and she rattled off a bunch of incidents over the past year that bothered her (some dating back as far as 1-2 months into our relationship) that she never told me bothered her in the past. She proceeded to tell me "I just don't feel like you're the one", with her reasoning being the multiple small incidents/things that bothered her in the past that she never told me about. Again she asked for her space, saying she needs time to "figure out what she wants." And again I told her this has to be all or nothing, I'm not going to play games or wait around. We ended up spending the night together (no sex), I held her, we kissed. I told her "doesn't this feel right?" and she said it feels awesome, but that when I left she knew the rollercoaster ride would start again. But then 5 mins later she said "I can't imagine my life without you." I think she really was conflicted. It ended the following morning with again her saying she needs to be alone, I told her this means we're breaking up for good. She said if that's what it has to mean, then so be it. We pecked on the cheek and I left, leaving some of my clothes there that she wanted me to take.

If you're still reading this novel of high school drama and drivel I commend you. It actually feels a little better typing all that out. Now my questions. The day I left her, I felt ok and thought this isn't so bad - it kind of sucks but I can tolerate it. Then the day after it hit me and I started getting sad. Yesterday was day #3, and I deleted all her old "I love you" texts from my phone, threw out all her stuff in my apartment (disposable stuff). This was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had such mixed emotions - I'm embarassed to say this, as I am a 30 year old man, but I was hysterical crying as I was throwing stuff out. The pain was nearly unbearable. I had difficultly concentrating at work. Now today is day #4. I sit here typing and my eyes are tearing up. She hasn't had any contact with me as she did in the past. No texts, no IMs, no phone calls. I think this time it's really over. I check my phone every 5 mins to see if she texted me. I have a few close friends and family members who I've cried to and it helps temporarily, but even they're getting sick of my whining (they didn't say it in so many words but I can tell). Now I know based on the story I told above, everyone is going to say it's for the best as things were never going smoothly. My friends and family say the same thing. But when things were good with us, I had never experienced love and feelings like that before and I can't let that go.

You cannot imagine how badly I want to text her, but I haven't let myself do it for two reasons:
1) It will make me seem desperate - the last two times she came back to me when I stood strong and I think she thought I was unaffected. This is the WRONG reason to not have contact with her, I understand - but this is the main reason.

2) I know I need to cut off all contact with her if I'm ever going to move on.

The problem is im stuck between trying to move on and hoping she'll call to give it another shot. I am considering texting her sister (who is my age) and saying "Listen, I just need to know if this is really over or not so I can move on." Does that seem like a reasonable thing to do to get some closure? I really don't care who was right or wrong in the relationship. I'm not playing the blame game and I'm not angry at her in the least (maybe that's part of the problem?).

I feel like a child or a little girl saying this, but I just need someone to tell me it gets better. This is the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life and I cannot imagine life without her. Everything I do, see, hear, eat reminds me of her. I can't listen to the radio because every song reminds me of her, I couldn't eat a certain food last night because that was the last meal we had when we were together. I understand there are people who are married for decades and get divorced, and I understand they have it MUCH MUCH harder than I do. But this pain to me is just unbearable, it's worse than physical pain. There are female 'friends' who I know are sexually attracted to me and were waiting for this relationship to end, but I have zero desire to be with anyone else. I feel like this is ruining my life and to be honest it feels like these feelings will never go away. I run into ex girlfriends every once in a while and we'll talk, catch up, but I have no feelings whatsoever. I can't see that ever happening with this girl.

I guess the bottom line is I need someone to tell me that what I'm feeling is normal even though I'm 30 years old and a guy. I need someone to tell me that this feeling of dread, that knot in my stomach, the lack of appetite, the difficultly focusing at work will all subside. I know the relationship was always rocky, I know it's probably for the best that we broke up... so you can save your breath on that advice lol But the irrational part of me wants to be back with her, praying that she texts me again with "I miss you."

I know this was long and drawn out with boring details, but putting this stuff into writing actually helped me a little bit though in some weird way. I really appreciate any advice anybody can offer who has been in a similar situation before.

[Wakeup]

And again I told her this has to be all or nothing, I'm not going to play games or wait around.

You told her that three times now. Seems everytime some other guy looks her way she breaks up with you knowing bloody well all she has to do is text you (not even a voice to voice) that she misses you and you cave. I suspect if you dug you'd find that she's not been sitting idle while you pine for her during this times she dumps you.

This is not love. It is psychological addiction and what you're feeling right now is withdrawl from your drug of choice known as BAD GIRLFRIED. We all know how bad drugs are for us so you have to resign yourself to the fact that you're better off to not take another hit of her. She's bad news, she has nothing to offer you except a few months of hugging and fking and then she sends you into another emotional tail spin. She seriously sounds boarderline personality disordered and you'd do well to google the symtoms and see how many she's presented over the course of this horrible and dysfunctional time you've spent together Off and On.

Block and delete her from being able to contact you anymore and soon enough that anxiety, that longing that argueing with yourself "should I contact her, should I wait, will she contact me, I'll just text her one word" bullshit will stop and you can consider yourself drug free. Takes time though and you need to keep busy or you'll cave to your drug of choice and you'll feel ruined all over when she pulls her psycho shit on you and tells you once again that "you're not the one." blech!

[IndiReloaded]

Eagles, I'm sorry about your breakup. Yes, its very painful. But yes, do believe you will be okay. You will.

If it helps to know, the pain you are feeling is b/c of withdrawl from the 'love hormones' you had when you were together. Love really IS a drug. Sometimes, it helps to remember that.

There really isn't much more to say that will help except that time will make the feelings dull. Meantime, keep busy with work and other things you enjoy. Post here, you are in good company.

Best,
- Indi

[smackie9]

Pull yourself together man. She's a nut job...she gets off on the drama she causes by pulling your strings. Give yourself a couple a slaps to the face for me....you certainly need it!

[dfletcherhall]

I'm with you man - and don't beat yourself up over the emotional state you're in - I'm approaching 50, and still crying a month later (read my other posts to see just what my ex did to me!) - yes, it's an addiction - it's a drug we have to get out of our system - I know it's no consolation, but right now I'm feeling and going through exactly what you're dealing with. I don't feel complete without her - life seems so empty - but if we can hang in there, I have to tell myself it's for the best, and things will be better when we get to the other side. I so badly want to be back with her, but what little rationality I have left tells me I'd just get hurt again, and finally, I'm starting to see that I can make it without her..... Just gotta ride it out brother.

[Eagles81]

Thanks for the quick responses. I truly appreciate the blunt yet honest reponse from "wakeup." Just to clarify a few things:

1) There were never any other men involved in her life during our relationship or breakups. She never cheated (although she did cheat on a boyfriend when she was much much younger), and there are lots of guys who like her/want to be with her. I did "dig" what happened the last time we broke up. She went out to dinner alone with friends and then came home and cried herself to sleep. The next day she texted me with "I'm miserable." (referring to herself). She is not someone who sleeps around. We waited 3 months before we had sex. She has only been in 2 other relationships - one lasted 3 years, the other lasted 2 years. It's quite possible there are psychological issues at play here on her part, I don't doubt that. But I can tell you her actions were neverintentionally malicious. I've been mad at ex'es in the past when we broke up.

2) What you are saying makes perfect sense regarding the psychological addiction aspect and I beleive you are right on the money. I wish I could bring myself to follow your advice. I really wish I could. But it hurts too much right now to block her/delete her from my phone. I know I sound like a whiny pu**y, beleive me... im extremely embarassed for behaving this way and feeling this way, hence why I'm posting on an anonymous internet forum. I threw out her stuff in my place, and deleted her texts from the past, but that's as far as I can go right now. I have a feeling I will end up texting her sister just for closure, asking "do you think this is really over? I'm ready to move on." I KNOW it's the wrong thing to do, I KNOW it's giving in, I KNOW it goes against all rational thought, and most of all I KNOW this relationship isn't healthy... but I don't feel like my brain is strong enough to override my emotions. I wish there was a pill I could take that would make me stronger. The funny thing is a few days before we broke up, she told a close family member of hers' that me and her have been fighting, and the family member yelled at her "GROW UP ALREADY, YOU ARE RUINING PEOPLES' LIVES... STOP STRINGING GUYS ALONG!" I think that might've been the trigger for her to end this relationship.

3) You and indi sound like you know what you're talking about with this love drug/love hormone withdrawal stuff. If you have a second, can you just talk a little more about what you know about it?

I'm really trying to keep busy with work and other stuff. It's just hard to find any enjoyment in life feeling this way. I'll end this "woe is me" rant right now because I'm aware how pathetic and desperate this sounds. I wish it was as easy as smacking myself across the face and getting back to normal...

Edit: dfletcher - i appreciate the response, it helps knowing that there are other men who have similar feelings following a breakup

[IndiReloaded]

3) You and indi sound like you know what you're talking about with this love drug/love hormone withdrawal stuff. If you have a second, can you just talk a little more about what you know about it?

LOL, Wakeup knows from watching too much Dr. Phil. I know from more direct knowledge.

For this reason, it will be amusing to let her answer. Or, if you are in a hurry, you can google it (like she will). You probably don't need the gory research details.

Anyway, you sound better already. Hang in there.

[Wakeup]

What you are saying makes perfect sense regarding the psychological addiction aspect and I beleive you are right on the money. I wish I could bring myself to follow your advice. I really wish I could. But it hurts too much right now to block her/delete her from my phone.

Then do it when you are stronger. I just recommend you don't contact her. If she texts you keep it polite and always be the one to sign off first. Don't fall for her crap anymore because she's done it enough now that you should be totally convinced that she cannot be trusted NOT to hurt you again and dump you when being with you for too long makes the "love chemicals" not as strong as when you first makeup.

I know I sound like a whiny pu**y, beleive me... im extremely embarassed for behaving this way and feeling this way, hence why I'm posting on an anonymous internet forum. I threw out her stuff in my place, and deleted her texts from the past, but that's as far as I can go right now.

One positive step to your withdrawal and recovery from her is a good thing.

I have a feeling I will end up texting her sister just for closure, asking "do you think this is really over? I'm ready to move on."

Even if she were to keep with the status quo and send you an "I miss you text" you can't trust her not to break up with you again. She keeps taking you on a roller coaster ride of highs and lows and you keep letting her lead you which is making you emotionally sick. Stop yourself before it takes you years to get back your own self-worth and emotional health.

I KNOW it's the wrong thing to do, I KNOW it's giving in, I KNOW it goes against all rational thought, and most of all I KNOW this relationship isn't healthy... but I don't feel like my brain is strong enough to override my emotions.

In time, keeping busy and with no contact these feelings of despair and the need for another hit of her will diminish. Hang tough. You can't expect to get over this in a week anymore than a smoker can expect to totally withdraw from the psychological addiction. The nicotine is out of our systems in a couple of days it's the habit that is the hardest to let go of.

The funny thing is a few days before we broke up, she told a close family member of hers' that me and her have been fighting, and the family member yelled at her "GROW UP ALREADY, YOU ARE RUINING PEOPLES' LIVES... STOP STRINGING GUYS ALONG!" I think that might've been the trigger for her to end this relationship.

Note she said PEOPLE'S lives. Does that mean she has a history of taking men on emotional roller coaster rides with her? What do you know of her past relationships?

As for it being an addiction. There are hormones that release chemicals into our system when we are falling in love. Dopamine, cortisol, adrenaline, seretonin and oxytocin are a few of these chemicals. She brings all these out in you and you get an emotional high and feeling of well being and attachment and then she gets bored when they aren’t being released in full gear and she dumps you bringing you crashing down. Then she starts you all up on the "high" again when she takes you back only to let you crash again to the point where you are psychologically hooked on the highs.

Allow yourself to get off the merry-go-round so that you're at least clean and sober if/when she tells you she misses you again and wants to drag you on the ride again. At least if you're clean and sober from her you can make an intelligent and logical decision if she is a worthy mate. (its clear to those not involved that she IS NOT) Right now you're incapable of making a rational decision when it comes to her.

One day at a time of abstaining from her, Eagles81, and you'll feel a little better each day.

[Eagles81]

Note she said PEOPLE'S lives. Does that mean she has a history of taking men on emotional roller coaster rides with her? What do you know of her past relationships?

Yes, her previous relationships were unstable. The first one when she was younger she cheated on the guy, and he was heavily into drugs and alcohol. The second one (3 yrs long - also alchohol issues) she broke up with him and got back together multiple times during the last year of their relationship and strung him along, to the point she said he was practically stalking her at the end because she was giving him mixed signals. I'm aware that I don't want to fall into this catergory, which is why I will not be contacting her at all.

As for it being an addiction. There are hormones that release chemicals into our system when we are falling in love. Dopamine, cortisol, adrenaline, seretonin and oxytocin are a few of these chemicals. She brings all these out in you and you get an emotional high and feeling of well being and attachment and then she gets bored when they aren’t being released in full gear and she dumps you bringing you crashing down. Then she starts you all up on the "high" again when she takes you back only to let you crash again to the point where you are psychologically hooked on the highs.

Allow yourself to get off the merry-go-round so that you're at least clean and sober if/when she tells you she misses you again and wants to drag you on the ride again. At least if you're clean and sober from her you can make an intelligent and logical decision if she is a worthy mate. (its clear to those not involved that she IS NOT) Right now you're incapable of making a rational decision when it comes to her.

One day at a time of abstaining from her, Eagles81, and you'll feel a little better each day.

Very very interesting, and it makes excellent sense. I spoke to her sister briefly today and flat out said "so it's over for good?" and she told me "she's upset and confused, i don't think even she knows what she wants at this point in her life. Give her time and see what happens." I said thank you and left it at that. I'm convinced I need to move on and I will try, but I won't lie - a piece of me will be hanging onto her no matter what. I don't check my phone as often anymore, but when I see I have a text I do still hope it's from her. I've removed all reminders of her from my place, deleted all pictures on the computer, and deleted all the old lovey dovey texts. All that remains is her # in my phone, and unfortunately that has to stay for now. I was doing a little better today, but during down times at work I'd start reminiscing about the day we met and how great it felt. I'm trying to distract myself, trying not to think about it. I can only hope to one day reach the point you speak of where if she texts me "I miss you" that I'll be strong enough to shake it off and not get emotional.

Anyway, I greatly appreciate the advice and your rationalization of my feelings. Very helpful.

[confusius]

I haven't read the whole thing, but I will say that it gets better. My ex broke up with me months ago and I still miss her today. But the pain has lessened and I feel a lot better compare to when the break up was fresh. So, does it get better? YES IT DOES.

[dfletcherhall]

Eagles - hope you're feeling a little stronger. I also, am torn between the effort required to 'move on', and clinging to a faint hope that she'll call and want to try again. It's now been two weeks since I last had any contact, and I am slowly starting to believe it gets easier. Yes, there's still the constant chatter in my head, but the physical pain seems less severe, and I feel I'm not far away from being able to comfortably embark on a voyage of 'single' discovery. Hang in there brother - I thought this one was going to kill me, physically and emotionally, and yes, some days are worse than others - but somewhere out there, there IS something better and good - but we can't see it while we're going through the turmoil. Grip onto whatever existence you can manage with the last fingernail you have, and ride it out.

[Lovehelper]

It Gets Better There I said it!

[strbrght]

Sometimes all we really need is for someone to hear us out, someone who can relate and reassure us things WILL be ok. That is what helps me most. And you shouldn't worry about if others wonder why does this hurt him so badly? We all feel emotions at different levels. Something so trivial to one person could be completely crushing and life changing to another. "You gotta make it your own way. But you'll be alright now sugar. You'll feel better tomorrow with the morning light. don't you cry tonight"GnR