Help with online dating

[bokamia]

I came from another country and I am trying online dating with girls who can speak my language. I got divorced at 40 and got back to new dating thing. I have never had any problem making good friends among guys and girls in real life. In real life I have been complemented for my looks, vocal tone and friendliness a few times. I am struggling for what to do with the start of an online relationship.

1] Scene one: First I started to talk with a girl. On the first day, we talked for an hour and her daughter was crying (it was probably her bed time), I suggested she can put the kid in the bed and call me back if she wants. She said she would call me back but she did not. Then I texted her a day later, she did not reply. After a day or two she says she wanted to talk. She said she was not ready because she is afraid about the fake people online. Then we talked a day or two and we talked about whether it should be exclusive or not. It seemed to me, that she wanted it to be exclusive, as soon as I said I am ok with being exclusive, she stopped talking to me. A few days later she texted me back that she wanted to talk, it seemed like she wanted to keep searching and still talk to me. We talked pretty late on Friday night and said she can talk on Saturday and she called it off on Saturday. I felt clueless whether she likes me or whether I am showing too much interest. What should I do? Walk away? Am I suffocating her?

2] Scene two: So there is that another girl who showed me interest online, I called her. It seemed to me that we could talk for a long time. She said she was talking to another guy, but the guy said he is looking for better matches; so she is looking for better matches too. So in the middle of conversation, someone kept calling on her land-line. Her sister took the call and said someone wants to talk to her. She said "she would talk to that person later". I told her "she can go if she had to". But that person kept on calling over and over. So at some point she said that she would have to take the other call and she can call me back. I had to go hiking with friends and I did not make a good effort on telling her the time when we can talk. If she does not call me, should I call her back? Should I wait a one, two or three days, before I call her. It does seem to me that girl likes the other guy but he was not ready. At the same time he does not want to lose her. What should I do?

In general, I do feel I can make good impressions if I meet them in real life, my experience from real life tells me that. I just want to know a girl and see if she is right for me. But it seems like I am on a market where everyone is talking to everyone. Attractive girls are connected to someone before me and that person is not committing; What is the best strategy? How often should I call? There other girls who wanted to meet with me right away or wanted to have more exclusive phone conversations with me. I did not like them for one thing or other. I stopped talking with them, but it seems most people keep someone waiting for them. I need advice.

[bokamia]

There is this 28 yr old attractive girl who is doing MBA from a great school(I met on an online chat); She keeps text-ing me even though I show little interest because I thought she would be too young for me. It is just friendship in my view. I showed interests in women who are like me (close to 40s, with a kid, educated). May be I m single and lonely and trying to get someone fast and that is suffocating them? Or they are already waiting for someone else. Its not worth trying?

[Gypsybell]

It is always worth trying to find that special person who lights your fire and to feel the spark returned. But it gets a little more difficult as the field narrows. At 40 one is conscious of the need for compatability, has settled into some fairly inflexible preferences and is "picky" whilst their choices are limited. Loneliness can compound the mix by compramise of ideals and often proceeds to mismatch, which doesn't deliver happiness and then you have cynism and baggage acruing.

One becomes convicted against certain traits/habits/failings that individual partners may have presented, so you get to know what you don't want. Whilst what you do want becomes some mythical creature without any of the above! That is, they can be 'almost right' but you have decided that you are 'never going to have a woman with kids still in school, or a younger/older, etc etc. and you turn to a dating site with the expectations of 'putting in your order' and expect it to be delivered.(Or have eager hopes that it will) Only to come up with zero dream girl, because all the perfect ones are taken and the women out there, single, are in the same boat and mindset as you.

Right, So the first thing you do is listen to what you are saying. ie, 'she keeps texting me even though I show little interest'. and then you go on to sayYOU are 'single and lonely and trying to get someone fast and that is suffocating them.'

So can you not see that she is just doing what you do, (when you do pick one to pursue) You don't meet their 'criteria' as she doesn't meet yours, but you try to move onto second base anyway. Desperado stuff.

People on dating sites are not being honest about their 'profiles' and not respecting what is reqested in 'criteria' because they are feeling desperate for any one to 'click' onto them and there is no mediation to iether keep them honest, or act as a go between.

Think about it, in the real world when you meet someone it is usually through some other aquaintance/work/sport/ etc. So you have some reference point. That is now missing, so it's a minefield of trickery and false facades etc. But that doesn't mean that there isn't genuine, perfectly deserving , lovely people searching for each other through this minefield. I believe it all just needs a bit of humanizing and refining. A bit of Guidance, maybe. Certainly some social grace!

I have been reserching dating sites and social community sites and can see the trend turning further and further away from natural fellowship (of normal community, say a small town) which leads to people meeting people through other people. as in a mate introduces his sister to his friends or a community gathering where people meet and greet and mingle, thus gravitate to compatible partners in the 'old fashioned way'.

Since internet dating became the rage, even physical social gatherings like 'parents without partners has pretty much become exstinct. and the money driven expediency of 'agencies' and most sites is poor comfort. Whilst Facebook has the open community, it is possibly a little too political and downright boring for a romantic seeker. It all needs humanizing.
I have decided to have ago at just such a project, and will be setting up a rather different sort of community site, something in between family facebook and the meat mart of 'yeah,yeah, friendship, view sex. right?' Perhaps I may be able to even the odds a little for those prepared to slow things down a bit and participate in a community that helps its members in a holistic fashion.
I am an old woman with genuine credentials for such a venture and this will be a free site so it is not a piece of scam, hopefully I will be able to approach the administrators of this site to endorse mine, so check in from time to time there may be links available, and you should persue meeting folk here, they are good people with good ethics from what I have seen, try joining in and helping others, it may answer many your own needs or show you a mirror.

Meanwhile, don't give up looking, just stop thinking with your angst to the fore, there's nothing wrong with having friends .Talk to the 28yr old and see if you can help her find someone more suitable on the site, friends often see what lovers cannot, compatibilities matter, but the spark is the magic. Have a look and see if you can pick a bloke on the site that deserves her. She might do the same for you. That's what I will advocate on mine, friends helping friends and having a fun time sharing the search, not the lonely 'nothing' til the 'All' comes along. I wish you well, The Gypsy.

[smackie9]

The only way to beat this is to join a singles group where they invite you to activities where you meet and socialize with others, like cooking classes, dinners, cocktail parties, etc. The internet is a tough place to try to date, because of the easy access to others. So push yourself away from the computer, join a club, get into some activities of interest, make some new friends, and eventually you will have an opportunity to meet someone in person you can actually ask out on a date.

[bokamia]

Thanks smackie and gypsiebell

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