What should I do? Help!

[LSgirl]

Short background: Me (26) and bf (27) have been together for 9 months but we got together shortly after his 8 year relationship (fiancee) cheated on him. He's come a long way since we first met. All in all, he's a loyal, trustworthy, honest gentleman. Ive never had a guy that's treated me so well when we're together, except....

A few times in our relationship (always when we've been drinking) I've brought up of "love". Last night, I asked him if he loved me and he said that he can't give me that and it kills him to see me unhappy when I asked him. He said I'm the best thing in his life right now and that I'm amazing and have helped him grow but that he has a wall up and said he will never let a girl hurt him like that again. He said I even told him love is patient and always growing and that he's not saying "never". I know he truly cares about me but he's guarding his heart and it saddens me. He's somebody that doesn't usually open up like that and he's an honest, straightforward kind of guy.

Neither of us are trying to break up, we want to be together, but I told him I don't feel like I have security not knowing what will become of us. If I hadn't asked him, nobody would have known he doesn't love me, he shows me so much and helps me to be a better person everyday, but when I asked him, he said "you're not going to like the answer I give you". It makes me so sad, and I'm giving myself some more time and have hope we will get to that deeper level. I know most of you will say he's still broken and to run, but that's not something I'm considering at this time. I'm just hurt, and I'm still giving this relationship everything or else I wouldn't bother. He said he wouldn't be with me if our relationship didn't mean anything to him. I thought about emotionally trying to detach myself, but I can't do that if I want this relationship to work. Any advice?

[tremolo]

Do you really want to keep investing in a man who doesn't love you - most likely, because he is still hung up on his ex? I wouldn't.

Don't torture yourself, dear. You've been his emotional crutch, and as much as I'm sure it's helped him, it's sure as hell not going to do anything for you. I think you should cut him loose and find a man who really loves you...

[LSgirl]

I've have been getting mixed advice. Some people say it's the actions and not the words that counts. Others say, considering his past, he's at an emotional state where he should be, and it's up to me if I can deal with it and give him time. I just don't know what to do.

[tremolo]

I'm no expert when it comes to things like this, and surely someone else on this board will have a better perspective for you... I just think that when a man flat out tells you he doesn't love you, he usually means it. I also don't think there's any point in hanging around investing time in someone in the *hope* that they'll eventually fall for you. I think, actually, that the best thing you could do is remove yourself from his life. Maybe then he'll be able to figure out how much you really mean to him and whether or not he can live without you - i.e., whether he really loves you.

[LSgirl]

I'm writing his an e-mail right now. I never do this and this will be uncomfortable as he does not handle these types of conversations very well, but I feel like I need to try this attempt at getting more answers. I will basically ask him if I am wasting my time

[tremolo]

I understand that you want answers right now - and, potentially, closure? - but before you send that email, you might want to think twice about what you plan to say to him.

He has already told you he doesn't love you. He's done what is, in my mind, a douchey thing by telling you he MIGHT love you, eventually, but that he's not promising you anything. In my mind, he wants you to hang around and supply him with emotional support and sex while he figures out what he really wants, or while he still tries to get over his ex. To me, it's a bit sad for you to continue to throw yourself at him when he's already made it explicit that he's not committing to you emotionally. If I were you, I would write him a letter saying you're sorry but you can't be with him anymore because you are emotionally invested and he is not. I would say that while you have enjoyed your time together, you'll be moving on and looking for someone who can reciprocate your feelings, as he obviously cannot right now. I think he would respect you a lot more for doing so - and probably be totally surprised at the strength you would show by doing that. Likely, he thinks you'll be there for him indefinitely, and he can string you along as long he wants.

Just my two cents... what does everyone else think??

[LSgirl]

When we first went out, it was a bit rocky and I had broken up with him a couple times immaturely, but of course learned a lot since then and never did it again. He said that showed him a sign of weakness on my part, so I know if I drop him again he will definitely not be with me. i want to send him an e-mail to give him a chance to explain things first. I'm so scared to send this, but I need to.

[tremolo]

I did the same thing with my last boyfriend, LS. I had been badly hurt by guys before, and it made me hyper-sensitive in our relationship. Once those rocky moments subsided, we had a steady relationship for 8 months, and, although he said he loved me, he never committed emotionally the way I did. He had a wall up - for what reason, I still don't know - and I got tired of loving someone so intensely who could not reciprocate my feelings - or who apparently could not show it, if he did.

Whatever you end up saying to this guy, just make sure he's not trying to string you along by telling you what he thinks you want to hear. It sounds to me like that's what he's doing. Regardless, what is happening in your relationship isn't fair to you. You will be hurt if you leave now, but it will be a lot worse if you invest more time and energy in him, only to find he isn't that into you, can't open up to you, whatever.

[LSgirl]

In another forum, somebody said that by sending this e-mail, it will only pressure him and push him away. I feel like I already know what his answer is going to be, but I still ask the same questions. The thing is, I KNOW he's emotionally wounded, I saw the red flags but I stayed because I care about him. I can't expect him to give me what I give him, but I just want to know if in time, he does see something more seriously.

[Tanguerra]

I would not do anything rash at this point. I certainly wouldn't be sending him any emails demanding that he say he love you or giving him an ultimatum. That is guaranteed to create trouble where trouble actually doesn't look to me as though it exists at this point. If you've been together less than one year, he's still a bit upset about his broken engagement and naturally feeling a bit vulnerable, what is to be gained from trying to make him say the magic words 'I love you' especially if he's made up his mind not to take any emotional risks for a little while? He will get around to it by himself one of these days if and when he feels like it. Don't worry. Or maybe he won't. Some people think saying 'I love you' is a lot of rubbish anyway. It doesn't mean they don't feel or show love though.

Yes, actions speak louder than words! A lot of men will say 'I love you' to a girl, but not treat them properly, not be nice to them, thoughtful kind honest etc as you say your boyfriend is to you. You have a man who is nice to you, thoughtful and kind but you're still not happy unless he says the 'magic words'. I think this is counterproductive. Leave him be! If you're both happy, why spoil it?

Life and relationships don't come with any guarantees at the best of times! Even people who are married break up often enough. There is no way to get a guarantee that someone will stay with you forever, even if they have said the magic words 'I do' let alone 'I Love you'. Most importantly, you love him. You care about him. You are kind to him. It seems he is returning your care and kindness, why not just leave it alone?

It is never a good idea to have 'the talk' about the relationship or how you are feeling etc. when drunk by the way.

[tremolo]

Do you really think people can anticipate how they'll feel in time? Whenever you start dating someone, you are hoping that *in time* that person will grow to love you and commit to you. How long that takes is obviously different for different people, but I think that 9 months is sufficient time for an emotionally healthy person. I also don't know that anyone can anticipate how they might feel in the future. The fact he is already claiming he does not love you seems like a pretty bad sign to me. I could understand him saying he loves you but doesn't want to rush into an engagement, or a marriage, but he is telling you he lacks *feelings* for you. That's quite different.

[LSgirl]

Tanguerra, he has told me that I should know how he feels by the way he is around me (which is great!) and while at this point I can't expect him to say those words, I'm scared I'm making a huge risk by investing emotionally within time with someone who may never return that love. I know I have to make a choice, either be patient or leave him. You're right there's no guarantees even if he said those words, but I guess I'm just not sure if I'm wasting my time. I was single for a long time before I met him because I wanted someone great and while I found him, it seemed his timing was not so good. I will not give him an ultimatum, instead I will give myself a certain time (perhaps over the 1 year mark, I won't tell him of course) but I will see how much it has progressed and decide whether to walk away or not, although it may get harder.

Tremolo, I do HOPE he will love me someday, but that can very well just be a dream. Some have told me he can't open up so quickly again so early with someone considering his past, but I do think he has strong feelings for me. He told me he wouldn't be with me if it this meant nothing to him. He also said that we need to go through a lot more for us to grow. Ive just never been in this position before, Ive had past exes tell me that they loved me within the first month (prematurely) but showed actions differently. I think maybe I should hold off on this e-mail as to not pressure him since it will not change anything. He already knows how I feel, and I won't get any different answer. It would be selfish of me to expect him to give me 100% commitment, open, trusting relationship when he may still have some growing again to open up (although it is selfish on his part to commit to me in a relationship, but it's my decision to stay I suppose)