How/Where to find Love in the first place?

[Ms. Lonelyheart]

I just recently turned 18 years old and will be graduating high school this year. And going to an in-state college next year.

I know in the grand scale of things what you do in high school doesn't matter, but I do feel like I missed out on one of the freest times of my life now that it's almost over. Introverted, shy, and a little socially phobic, I've been largely a recluse. And not in a healthy, independent way. But in a sad, sick way.

I just realized this a few short days ago and even cried about it one night. It amazes me how difficult it is for people to see themselves for what they are. Myself included.

I realized my problem in a film class I'm taking. We were to watch and analyze Rear Window (Hitchcock). One side character in the film, Ms. Lonelyheart, would pretend night after night that she had a date in her apartment, but was just imagining a person was there with her. She lived alone. Being the observer, I was quick to think what a wreck she must be. I even thought she was ridiculous.
But then, somehow, it clicked: that's me.

I was on the road to dying sick and alone, and wasn't even conscious of it.

Of course, I knew it wasn't normal for 18 year olds to still have imaginary friends and even boyfriends. But I made up all kinds of excuses for myself and was fine with it...until I saw what I was. Being alone and sharing nothing of myself with the outside world, I never had anyone to disillusion me. Even if I did, I likely would resist and ignore it ... I had to see it for myself.

2 surface-level friends is the most I've ever had in my life. I can hardly keep up an occasional conversation over facebook...even that feels stressful for me. I have not one close relationship with any real, living person. Not family, not friends, no one. And now that I want one, I don't even know how. How do you pick up after years of pretending and lying to yourself?

I want this to be different, but I'm kind of an adult now. And from what I hear, it's more difficult to find friends and relationships as an adult than it is in high school. So I don't even know if it's worth trying now. The world moves so fast. And I, being a social retard, would be slow. For example, simple conversation. I can write for ages, but have difficulty using the spoken word to communicate ideas effectively. If I had to explain this post to you in words, for example, you'd hear a jumbled, stuttering mess.

So ultimately, my question is...is finding love truly more difficult in college and adult life for the socially inept? And if you were in my position, how would you go about finding someone? What's the easiest, least distressing way? I literally need to learn how to form relationships with men. Of my 2 real-life 'friends', both have been female. I hardly have any contact with living males. Due mostly, I hate to admit, to intimidation. I just don't know what to say to them, even in a platonic context.

Thank you in advance for any helpful advice. If I attempted to do this with no guidelines, the failure would be of epic proportions.

[tremolo]

I never had a boyfriend in high school and had a shitty social life then. In college, things improved, and in grad school, I had more friends and lovers than I had time for. I can categorically tell you the best years of your life are not yet behind you. College will open up a whole new world for you. I went from being the nerdy girl crying at home as a teenager to the IT girl who had a date every night. If you are willing to put yourself out there, amazing things can happen. You just need to trust that people will like you when you reveal yourself.

Edit: It's easier to form relationships in college because you won't have any bullshit high school politics playing out. Also, guys get older and wiser and (albeit, sometimes just slightly) less superficial. Chat up some nice guys in your classes who you have mutual interests with, and you'll learn how to talk to guys. Watch other girls who are popular - with women and men - and see how they relate to people. They can be a model for you. It's hard coming out of your shell, but once you do, you won't regret it.

[Tanguerra]

Adolscence is a very confusing time in your life. You've got a whole lot of stuff going on, you're still working out who you are and how the world works - not to mention school related stresses and strains. It's easy to be overwhelmed by it all. The good news is, you're just about through it now. Things will get better. Oh, yes they will!

Step number one: Don't be too tough on yourself. Don't criticise yourself and tell yourself you're a failure, you're no good at friendships, etc. etc. Instead think to yourself 'It's OK, this is something new I'm learning. I'll get better at this with practice." Be gentle and encouraging with yourself. It's much nicer and it works better, I assure you.

Step number two: Accept yourself. Everyone is different. Some people are naturally just shy and introverted and that's perfectly OK. Imagine if everyone was a raging extrovert! How noisy the world would be! Who would be the poets, the philosophers or the engineers for that matter? If you're good with words, you enjoy spending a lot of time on your own you'll probably make a brilliant career as a writer. Think of your strengths rather than focussing on your weaknesses. It sounds as though you're intelligent, thoughtful and even have quite a sense of humour about yourself. This is all good stuff!

Ok. Having that out of the way, some practical tips. Tremolo is right. Once you get to College things will get better, but you will also need to learn how to get 'out there' a bit more and make opportunities to meet people happen, otherwise you will just take your shyness with you. If you're not much good at parties and making small talk with strangers (you're not the only one in the world I assure you) make sure you join some groups and start by making acquaintences. Friendships will follow. The more people you know, the more chances you have to get invited to things. The more you get invited to things, the more likely you are to meet people. The more people you meet the more chance you will meet someone who is just right for you.

Do you play a musical instrument? Find an orchestra to join. Do you sing? Find a choir. Do you write? Find a writing group. Do you want to learn a language? Find a language class. Have you always thought it would be cool to learn fencing? Join the fencing club ... The more you get used to just being out and about with real people the less it will feel strange. Doing some kind of group activity like this gives you a focus to take your mind off being shy and takes the edge off having to talk to people all the time.

Making small talk is a skill that takes a bit of practice. Some people find it a bit weird at first, especially if they're not used to it or have a certain personality. But, you need to learn how to do 'small talk' to get on in the world, even if you don't really see the point of it. The trick is mainly to have a) some kind of conversation starter b) listening skills. If you're a shy person, find an extrovert and let them do the talking! They'll be happy to oblige, especially if you ask them a question about themselves to get them started! It can be anything (it really doesn't matter I assure you): So, where are you from / seen any good movies lately / what kind of books do you like / do you prefer cats or dogs / did you see that story in the newspaper ...

It really is that easy. Listen to what they say, think of another question or your own anecdote related to that topic. It's a bit like playing tennis. You have to hit the ball back over the net to keep the game going. It's probably wise to start a conversation on a topic that you find interesting (like movies maybe) but keep it fairly 'bland' for the first conversation with a stranger (I'd save the 'Rear Window' story for when you get to know each other better!) 'So what kind of cats do you like?' 'My favourite director is Alfred Hitchcock, have you seen any of his films...?' As a last resort you can always start off by making a remark about the weather. It's an oldie, but a goodie. "Wow, how about that storm last night? Did you get any damage to your house... "Boy, I think it's going to snow tonight, what do you think...." It's smart to end with a question to give the other person a chance to hit the ball back over the net, eh?

Remember to smile and listen and a conversation will take its own course. If you run out of stuff to talk about (or the other person is really just very, very boring) just say 'Well, it's been great chatting with you, gotta go now. Bye!' Simple.

Hope this helps.