A Best Friend Problem :(

[Keera]

Hey, guys!

I'm having a very delicate problem here, and I'm completely clueless what to do. So i'd really appreciate your male help I'm apologizing in advance if I'm being "womanly" stupid about it, but it's about my best friend, so its top importance for me.

So, I'll do my best to keep it short.

I have this very close guy friend. We know each other and have had a very good friendship ever since freshmen year in university - he's always been very good to me. It's been almost 6 years we know each other. But this year it happened that we enrolled in the same masters program, so in the last 7-8 months we've been spending tons of time together, so we became even closer. Everything was just great, we had a perfect friendship, with no hint of something more. So yeah.. About three weeks ago we were at this party, and we got really drunk and we almost had sex. He started it all, but fortunately my brains were clear enough to say "don't do stupid stuff" at the last moment. So, as a result, we just slept together. The next morning we both "didn't remember anything from the night before" but nonetheless when we were alone in the room for some time he wasn't acting like before (we watched a movie cuddling, he was caressing me (and not in a im-your-best-friend-way) ... and then i fell asleep ) Whatever. So, after that we went home, everything cool.

The next monday i was literally shaking as i was going to class cuz i was scared that our communication might f. up because of what happened, but he was really glad to see me and all, so everything continued as though that party never happened - all smiles and jokes and ,.. really - as though nothing ever happened.

But i a week ago he started acting weird.. At first i thought that maybe I'm just imagining it and being too "im-the-center-of-the-Universe " But then i started to actually observe and compare how he behaves when i'm around and when i'm not. So when i'm not close he's all smiles and funny and happy - in one word - him, and when i'm somewhere around, he's suddenly all tense and silent. (I even had this experiment - approach/move away - worked in100% of cases) So he barely speaks to me now, doesn't even look at me, if he can sit further from me in class - he'd pick the North pole (the furthest it gets). Earlier we were like inseparable and now he just leaves off somewhere, not even saying where he's going.. U know.. Just to get away faster. He doesn't call me anymore... It's like half-ignoring me...

So yea. Today i had enough of this, so i decided if that's so, then it takes two to tango. So i just started acting like he is acting. Being all smiles around everybody else and not talking to him first at all, and just going away not saying a word. The result? 4 hours after i started my tactics, in the beginning of a class we had, he was a bit late, when he came he passed through the whole room to come sit next to me, and not the boys (they were sittin right next to the door). So he sat. All gloomy and focused on whatever - just not me (exactly like he's been these last days), didnt even say 'hey' and just turned away from me to look through the glass or pulling at his stuff. So i just had enough and looked at him and asked "Are you mad at me?" And he, not even looking at me, not takin his eyes of his stuff was like "No." And then i was like"Hmm.. Are you mad that badly?" And then, with a dead serious face, still not looking at me, he said "I could get mad if you keep asking stupid questions." (actually stupid questions and off-topic declarations are like a hobby of mine - it was never a problem - just anther occasion to laugh for him) Me, slightly mad: "Oh, are the questions I'm asking stupid?" And then he finally looked at me for liek half a second and half smiled, as though to show he's kidding he was like "Well, yea.. Why do u have to ask if im very mad if i already told you I'm not mad..." and bla-bla-bla. (Okay now, hes a fabulous liar, really, but this time, i could SO tell this "No" was SUCH a lie. Proly he just didn't expect the question, so i caught him off guard, and that's why he couldn't hide the lie ... i don't know) So after this quasi-conversation he was all tense like before, i didn't even dare talk to him anymore and all.. He was mad and annoyed, and.. lil scary. After the class, need i say - he just vanished, like usual, with not even a word.

So.. Yeah. I really don't know what's going on. We are not in a fight but he's just so distant and so.. not him these last 2 weeks. And we didn't fight about nothing, and we didn't even argue about nothing in the last 2 months.. Its just one day he changed how he acts towards me... And im thinking it has to do with that party, since, objectively, there's no other reason for him to be weird.

So, Guys, what i need is a little insight into this male's brain.. I'm really clueless of what might be going on.. I don't know what to do, and i don't know how to approach him... But i really don't want to lose my best friend. And i don't wannt to pick a fight, and i inevitably will if this continues - i know myself: i can't be ignored, even by someone i love - especially by someone i love. And i know that even if this happens and we get into a fight, he won't even yell at me or anything - hes='s just too calm of a person, and he has too much of good manners...

So Guys,... i really need your help on this one.. Tell me what youthink about this one and what should i do next.

Thank you in advance, and sorry if i'm too descriptive, and the question is too long. I just really am scared i might lose my best friend..

[searock]

I reeeally think he's developed feelings for you. Would you be interested in a romantic relationship with him?
Try talking to him face to face and ask him what's wrong with him and why has he changed so much after you slept together. I don't think acting the same way that he is is going to get you any further in understanding his behavior. Talk to him : ).

Btw I'm not a guy, but I'm dating my best guy friend and we've been best friends for 2.5 years before we started dating. He used to behave like that a LOT (actually I got those moments as well) and I knew he was really into me when he did that (as I was into him when I did it). It's probably embaressment because you are such good friends and he is afraid of messing everything up, being rejected, all that. Are either of you in a relationship?

[Keera]

Thank you for the reply, searock

Well.. I was thinking about talking to him.. I was actually trying to delicately find out through the guys (we're all in the same crowd) whether he has some things he's worried about lately (that are not related to me lol), but all the info i've been getting is that "no", "he's not acting weird, why'd u say that" and things of the kind.. But today my bff (a girl - she's not so close with him) actually noticed that he's being weird lately (she doesnt know about what happened between me and him - nobody does actually), sot that means i an definitely NOT imagining...

And no, neither one of us is in a relationship, but the thing is that he used to date a friend of mine some time ago, so it makes it a little bit complicated - if we would be together.. It'd make me feel like a bitch towards her, even though she is not in love with him anymore and doesn't want to get back with him...

And.. I don't even know what i want, and that is also a part of the problem. I mean... he's more than just a friend to me - he's always been the one person i can rely on, and that's a lot, cuz im not living with my family (they're in another country), and he's always been so good to me like noone has. And when i had my disastrous love drama and completely zoned out of social life for a year, he was the only one who didn't forget about me, and didn't stop being there for me.. So you get the picture how important he is to me.
And he's .. well.. yes, he is good looking, so i can't say i couldn't be attracted to him physically (if we made out, even drunk that one's obvious : D), but i never actually thought in that direction - he's my FRIEND, and that's much more than a boyfriend...

Gahhh... It's all so confusing, im such a mess when it comes to explaining stuff! : DDDD

[bulrush]

But i really don't want to lose my best friend. And i don't wannt to pick a fight, and i inevitably will if this continues - i know myself: i can't be ignored, even by someone i love - especially by someone i love.

So you are best friends with this person, why not date him? I think he has feelings for him. You said you love him. Why are you not dating him if you love him?

They say that best friends make the best relationships. Are you against good relationships for some reason?

[leoben]

If you can't even bring yourself to have sex with him while drunk then he isn't a guy you're into. If you want to stay friends you will just have to weather his weirdness until he finds a way to deal with your rejection and being stuck in the friendzone.

[Keera]

So you are best friends with this person, why not date him? I think he has feelings for him. You said you love him. Why are you not dating him if you love him?

They say that best friends make the best relationships. Are you against good relationships for some reason?

I'm not against good relationships, i am totally FOR it. But people change when they are in a relationship. They become possessive and jealous and.. different. Example: if my best friend goes out alone to a club and picks a fight, or gets drunk and dances with some chick - as a friend i wouldnt care. But as a girlfriend i'd get mad... Or the other way around: i go out alone with girlfriends to a club - my boyfriend would be jealous of it, 100%. Well.. then't my general prospective on the issue And we both are.. well.. very possessive and wilful.

And love.. it is the same, but you can regard it differently. I love him as a person, but i never perceived him, never thought of him (till now) as a man that i could have by my side..

[searock]

Aw this reminds me of my situation, I am totally partial towards the two of you getting together .

And.. I don't even know what i want, and that is also a part of the problem. I mean... he's more than just a friend to me - he's always been the one person i can rely on, and that's a lot, cuz im not living with my family (they're in another country), and he's always been so good to me like noone has. And when i had my disastrous love drama and completely zoned out of social life for a year, he was the only one who didn't forget about me, and didn't stop being there for me.. So you get the picture how important he is to me.
And he's .. well.. yes, he is good looking, so i can't say i couldn't be attracted to him physically (if we made out, even drunk that one's obvious : D), but i never actually thought in that direction - he's my FRIEND, and that's much more than a boyfriend...

Exactly - best friend is MUCH more than boyfriend. But that's just because we generally miss the point about relationships - your boyfriend should be your best friend. No-one else. Do you have feelings for him? Do you feel your heart beat faster when you see him, are you really really excited at the thought of meeting up with him or being somewhere he'll be, you know, the usual stuff when you're in love? I think there is nothing better than slowly realizing that the love of your life has always been in front of your eyes. It's like - wow, how could I have not realized this before?! I think it's the most fulfilling and loving and complete feeling I've ever felt in my life .

Try to figure out what exactly you feel for him, whether you're in love with him or not. Talk to him, ask him why he's been acting so weird. Don't let him get away with denial : P. I don't think the fact that he used to date your best friend is a problem, since she is no longer in love with him... Anyway it definitely isn't a problem for now.

I know what you mean, about people changing when they're in a romantic relationship. It's kind of tough, to re-adjust to boyfriend-girlfriend relationship after you've been best friends for so long. But I assure you, it's worth it, if you love each other and have a deep connection... it will only get better. It will be different and weird in the beginning, and you might get to miss parts of the old type of relationship... but it's still going to be the two of you, connected, together, and that's what matters.
I think it's crucial to stick to what one really feels. It would get weird and tough even if one (or both) of you had feelings for the other, but you forced yourselves to keep being "just" friends.

Figure out what you both feel for each other and start from there: it will come natural eventually. Keep us updated .

[bokamia]

I think you should date this guy. Now you are young and you two can fall in love. Its a great opportunity to find a real friend at the grad school. Five years from now, many guys you would meet would be able to mesmerise you with attraction (pick up acts), but trying a relationship with a best friend is great. Love comes at a cost. So there would be jealously and other complications. Thats why we should try love with the best people, not with the worst or not with the unknown.

[Lovehelper]

He is like positively madly in love with you!