I can't read him...help!

[stargazer5466]

I have been divorced for a year, after a 10 year marriage. Fell into one relationship right after. It lasted a couple of months, and I got my heart broken. I have done my time alone, and I am over that. Ready to move on... This new guy in my life (and heart) seems more right for me than anyone I have ever met in my life. I want so much to be more than a rebound, but that seems to be where it is going. We have been acquainted for for 10 years, and have always had an attraction for each other. I already knew he was a great guy, and recently (a couple of months ago) we became more than friends. He is going through a 18 yr. divorce, which will be final next month. He says he absolutely doesn't love her anymore, and is positive she has a BF. They have been legally separated, living apart, and haven't had sex in over a year. He was the one who filed for the divorce, right after he and I started talking. My love interest and I are both in our 40's, if it matters. He has told me he would like to "date" me as soon as his divorce is final, and that there is no one else he is interested in. Then he turns around and says I scare him. Thing is, he is so hot and cold. He doesn't seem to know what he wants. We only see each other every 1-3 weeks. We talk (or text) a couple of times a week. He wants to play it cool until his divorce is final, and I don't push. I have let him have his space, and not done anything to appear needy or clingy. I know better than that. Every time we are together things are fun and great, then he calls the next day freaked out. First time he felt "guilty." He had been faithful to his wife throughout the whole marriage. even throughout the separation. Next freak out: he says he is confused and scared. Last time he did it: says he is scared of me, and that he is not ready to get serious, and I should date other people. WTH? I don't WANT to date anyone else! That has been 3 weeks ago, and we have barely talked since. This is KILLING me. I am crazy about this man, and I REALLY want things to work. I am trying to be patient. Is this hopeless? or is letting him go the best thing? Should I ignore him? I don't know what to do

[bulrush]

I think he is still nervous about relationships because his divorce is still not final. He needs time to recover from a divorce, a year or two, before getting into a serious relationship. His "hot and cold" attitude towards your relationship kind of illustrates that he wants the relationship with you, but is not quite ready for it.

[freya40]

Hi I can completely identify With this scenario as I am in a similar one. I think this is a guy thing they need more time perhaps? I also think that maybe because we are in our 40's we are less likely to want to let go because finding love is difficult as you do meet a lot of guys but the chemical connection is rare. I have tried to distance myself out of self preservation but it is soooo difficult I am drawn to him constantly. Do you think it is because of this push and pull thing we are more hooked?. Anyway if you want to talk about it more feel free to contact me. x

[Benni]

I have been divorced for a year, after a 10 year marriage. Fell into one relationship right after. It lasted a couple of months, and I got my heart broken. I have done my time alone, and I am over that. Ready to move on

When have you done your time alone? You need much more time alone than what you describe above. It took me a few years to recover from a failed 18 year marriage -- due to his physical abuse -- to learn who I was and what I wanted for myself in the way of relationships and in my life in general.

I don't think anyone can heal that quickly from a divorce and be able to move on to another relationship.