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[munky]

Hi all, I'm new and have never posted on a forum at all before but thought after searching online for someone having similar issues then it would help if I could just get my own problem out there and see what people think...

I'm 28, female and have been going out with my bf for 2 years - he's 35. For the first 1.5 years our relationship was pretty much perfect - we didn't argue, we both made an effort to be kind and considerate to each other, and I was convinced he was the person I was "meant to be with". Then in July this year we started having some arguments which I think were really about the fact I wanted our relationship to progress and for us to live together soon - in the end we agreed that we would move in together after this Christmas when my lease was up, we said we would rent rather than buy as buying a place was not the smartest move before marriage. We havent argued for months and have just got back from a lovely holiday and so I thought things were back on track and tbh I thought a proposal wasnt far off - I was even glad we had the rough patch as i thought it had made us stronger.

Anyway so its now mid October and we had not started to discuss practicalities of where we would live, how much we would pay etc and so I asked him about it and he said that he was now thinking of buying a place himself and he wouldnt let me buy a share of it. this was completely out of the blue and I was really upset. i know a lot of girls would love to have their bf buy a house and not pay rent but to me I just feel it is a way of him cutting me out of the process and staying in control - i wanted our moving in to be a joint decision and joint effort - this way it will be a place he picks, he decorates, etc. He could have afforded to buy a house for years and so why right now?!

Anyway he didn't understand and we had a big argument - when we spoke about it the next day he said he was too angry with me to tell me he loved me and he thought we were incompatible and argued all the time (not true!) and that he cant take another argument (he has some issues with being bullied at school and by his father but he does not realise how verbally aggressive he can be himself). I cant promise never to argue with him - its just absurd! One minute we're talking about moving in and the next he is telling me he thinks we are incompatible?! I told him that I loved him and didnt want to break up but he said he needed to think. Since then he has given me the silent treatment for 4 days now - I dont understand how he can appear (or actually be) so apathetic and cold - it is killing me not texting or calling him - I dont want to be weak and get upset to his face any more, and when (if?!) he contacts me I dont want to just let him get away with treating me this way. But it is so tempting to try anything to make things better - but I cant fix it by myself! Not sure if I should wait for him to contact me or maybe email him and just say how I feel and then I know I will have tried my best...

[IndiReloaded]

Its his time to shit or get off the pot. He knows it and he's bothered by it. I think you'll have to ask him straight out what we wants from your relationships. Tell him clearly what you envision and then ask if he wants the same as you.

Good luck.

[vashti]

I think the thing is this: women tend to think that moving in together is a way to "progress" towards marriage, whereas men tend to think of it as a way to delay getting married. He clearly doesn't want to marry you, at least not now. This being the case, then it is appropriate you not make any joint purchases, and there is no real reason he should delay buying something for himself.

It sounds like you have different long-term goals.

[HeartIsAching]

It sounds to me as if YOU were talking about moving in together, and he was reluctant.

Guess what? He still is. I couldn't tell you why, but that's what I think is going on.

From what you describe, you both have control issues. You're pushing him to do things he doesn't want to do, and he's pushing also. I don't see this ending well.