boyfrinends ex wants to meet him alone, help please.

[lauraaaaaa]

Hello, this is my first time here. I'm really upset and I really need advice.
About a year ago I met my boyfriend. He broke up with his ex girlfriend to be with me. We kissed, I told him it was a mistake and that he needed to stay away because he was in a relationship. He broke it off with her and we were together after that. We both moved away to a new city.
His ex hated his guts and mine too no doubt. They havent spoken in a year. Now, she is here in the city for the last 2 weeks. She emailed him to let him know that she would be here and if he would like to meet for a coffee.The next day he met her and everything was fine, no hard feelings. SHe was also trying to warn him that she would be at a friends party in a couple of day, a party that me and him were invited to . We met, quite drunk, had a laugh and there seemed to be no hard feelings. It was cool.
We are having serious issues at the moment because she wants to meet him alone. I feel very uncomfortable about it. On sat night she was texting him to go and meet her for drinks because it was her birthday. I was at home alone and he was flying back into the city, they were making arrangment to meet when he got into the city from the airport.
I had a major problem with the fact that she wanted to meet him alone, late on a sat night. I wasnt invited, not even mentioned.
In the end he didnt meet her because I was so upset about it. We talked a bit more about why I felt so uncomfortable about it but he just cant see what my problem is.

Tonight he told me that she texted him and wants to meet for coffee again. My issue is that I think its wrong for them to be meeting alone. He has no idea why I have such a problem with the whole situation.
I am under the impression that if she does want to be friends then she needs to awknowledge me and invite me for coffee too. Is that rediculious?
I feel so uncomfortable about the whole situation, i think its wrong that they are meeting for coffee alone.
My head is so wrecked and so is his. I really need some advice form somebody who doesnt know me and just sees the situation for what it is.
Does anyone have any advice please. This is

[tblr]

I see your point, it is a bit of a sticky situation. I am hopeless when it comes to relationships, but personally I would maybe be ok with it just once, but arrange to do something with him after, say, an hour so that you can minimise the 'risk' of anything happening. I am in the opposite situation to you; I want the girl I like to come hang out with me, even though she maybe close to going out with someone else, so I'm probably not the best person to giving you advice on this. But I think what is wrong with meeting up as just friends, that is what I say to the girl I like. But in this case, he's meeting up with his ex so it is a little difficult. It is only natural to be uncomfortable about it, but if he really loves you, won't he not let anything happen?? Maybe just be ok with it one time and see how it goes...

I'm sure others will disagree with me.

[Wakeup]

You're scared because you're afraid that she's going to steal him back. Why in gods name is he even talking to her never mind agreeing to meet with her. Your boyfriend has no relationship or personal boundaries. He proved that when he kissed you while still in a relationship with her and now he's disrespecting yours and his relationship by meeting up with her without you present. If she wants to be friends then she should have absolutely no problem if you come along for coffee or drinks AND NEITHER SHOULD YOUR BOYFRIEND. No wonder you don't trust him... He's given you good reason (through personal experience) not to.

[lauraaaaaa]

Thanks, but I do trust him totally. I know that he wants to be with me. I dont trust her, I dont trust her motives. he sees nothing wrong with meeting her alone. I dont agree with them meeting alone, me not being invited, mentioned. I think this is wrong. The kissing thing was wrong too and I'm sure he feels guilty for leaving her and feels he may owe her something. I dont know because I'm just being dismissed. He explained to me that it wouldnt be a good idea for me to meet with them for that coffee because he doesnt know how she feels about me and it would be awkward. is that a good enough reason? All of this feels wrong. What do I do?

[workingman78]

If you trust him then that is really all that should matter. It doesn't really matter what her motives are, you are in the relationship with him. What should really be worrying you is the fact he seems to be unconcerned with your wishes in this.

[Wakeup]

Thanks, but I do trust him totally. I know that he wants to be with me. I dont trust her,

Sorry, but if you trusted him you'd have absolutely no problem with him seeing her because short of her tieing him up and raping him, there isn't anything she can do that he won't allow her to.

I dont trust her motives.

What do you think her motives are?

he sees nothing wrong with meeting her alone.

I know he doesn't, that's why I said he has no peronal or relationship boundaries in place that he won't cross or let anyone else cross. You can't trust men who have no boundaries.

I dont agree with them meeting alone, me not being invited, mentioned. I think this is wrong. The kissing thing was wrong too and I'm sure he feels guilty for leaving her and feels he may owe her something. I dont know because I'm just being dismissed.

He can't have you interfering in his boundary crossing now can he?

He explained to me that it wouldnt be a good idea for me to meet with them for that coffee because he doesnt know how she feels about me and it would be awkward. i

In that case he should tell her that he's bringing you and if she doesn't like it then he should tell her "then there will be no meeting"... If he respected you and your relationship and your being angst free, then that is what he would do.

Is that a good enough reason?

Not to you it isn't.

All of this feels wrong. What do I do?

It is wrong and If I were you, I'd tell him exactly what I just told you and that you didn't want him going. If he still goes anyway, well then you have just discovered that he'd rather disrespect you and keep his ex happy (for whatever reasons he may have) and consider it a red flag. If he keeps meeting her alone then i'd say you're beat.

Best of luck.

[lauraaaaaa]

Thanks again, just to answer your question....
Her motives... problem is she wanted to meet him late on saturday night to go for a drink with her ALONE because it was her birthday.I WASNT INVITED. She didnt invite me and neither did he. He didnt consider it either, he doesnt see anything wrong with the fact that she wanted to meet him alone, late at night for a drink on her birthday. No issue at all.

Same today, has no issue with meeting her alone for coffee. Has no issue with me not being invited.
I'm upset. I dont have an issue with him being friends with his ex, this is not what this is about. I am friends with 2 of my ex's, he knows them and I woujld never exclude him if I ws to meet one of my ex's, it wouldnt come up because I wouldnt exclude him no matter how I thought my ex would 'feel' about him being there.

I will let him read this forum tomorrow and hopefully he will see that I am not being totally unreasonable. I have no problem with their friendship, but I do not want to be excluded. This is why I question her motives.
I am not going to ask him to not meet her. I would love if he could say to her that I would be there to. he laughed at this suggestion earlier when I mentioned it. i think he would rather not meet her at all if I was to be there. He doesnt understand what it says to her and to me when he agrees to meet her alone, and for her not to politely invite me. Urgh this is horrible.

[Wakeup]

Surely he can understand how meeting a person of the opposite sex for one-on-one date-like interaction is totally disrespectful to you? I suppose he met you on one on one date-like scenarios as well and look what that led to.

There's nothing wrong with having members of the opposite sex as friends but when you're excluding time with your SO to be with them, alone ~ well then you're crossing a very fundament relationship boundary. Unless of course they're planning you a surprise birthday party and they don't want you to find out. ;o)

Mr. Lauraaaaaa, if you're reading this you're disrespecting your significant other by continuously meeting this woman one-on-one. Why do you have this need to be with her?

[lauraaaaaa]

I really appreciate that you have taken the time to reply to my posts. i cant sleep because of this. My gut instinct told me that this is wrong. He is making me feel like I'm being totally irrational and crazy when I know I'm not.
Might get some sleep now, now that I know I'm not being a crazy irrational person but these are actually genuine reasons to be so upset about this.

Thank you. x

[mala]

im sorry, but i dont think it is the ex gfs fault....she may not have been over him when he left her, so it is quite natural for her to ask someone whom she knew and propbably liked a lot to come meet her while she is in his city. ur bf plays a major role here, if he doesnt like her at all, he shud probably tel her its not a good idea to meet, or he shud suggest bringing u along(which maybe awkward) and please do not blame her, she cannot steal him unless he wants to be stolen... hope things work out wel and u have ur peace of mind soon.

[lauraaaaaa]

I'm not worried about her stealing him. I'm upset because I feel like if she wants to be just friends, then why am I excluded, while she tries to meet him for drinks alone on her birthday and not invite me? Shure it might be awkward to meet but isnt it the right thing to do?
I think she still might have feelings for him. And her only wanting to meet him alone confirms that suspicion. It may be completely unfounded but it just seems that if she wants to meet him alone, well.......
Him deciding that its better that they meet alone WTF??? I think that if he goes to meet her alone he is sending a very clear message-- - that dealing with ME is a problem. Me being there is a problem. Why?


PS they were together for 5 years.

[mala]

that is a long time, and they may had a lot of feelings for each other...i dnt knw if im correct at this or no, but let them hangout alone together, see what happens, if he chooses her over u, then u guys were not meant to be. and if nothing hapens btwn them u wud knw wea u stand with this man, n if ever again something like this hapens u wil not feel excluded or feel as if u r coming in between. maybe for ur sake, n his n hers, us shud let it hapen n see wea it goes. i hope that helps ) tc

[mala]

n sory yes she may be saying that she just wants to be friends (but not thinking dat) but its quite natural for her to meet him alone. she has known this guy for 5 years, they may have had special moments, hence y she wants to meet him, without u. n u said ur bf was with her then met u, n then broke up wid her to be with u. it hapens with couples sometimes after a long period of relationship, they meet some1 else, after a while when they get remembered abt the past they go running back....it myt hapen to u...n it myt not...this whole situation depends on ur bf, how he wud react...n if u have problems why dnt u try talking to the girl about it.

[Wakeup]

Keep us posted, Lauraaaaa.

[lauraaaaaa]

Well guys, if i wasnt for your advice I dont know what would have happened. I showed him this thread and he was able to see where I was coming from. He admitted that at the start he really didnt see where I was coming from.
We had another heated discussion yesterday evening. The ex had texted him 2 days ago for coffe, as I already mentioned bu he didnt reply because he didnt know what to do because I was so upset. So we decided tha the best thing to do was that he texted her last night and said, yes coffee would be fine, WE are both around tomorrow if you want to meet up...... usually she would reply straight away.....no reply.

I am happy that he understands now that the dynamic has to change.

By the way I didnt mention that when she first came to town, he went to meet her for coffee alone, that was totally fine with me. I knew that they needed to meet first without me be there, obviously. I told him then that if they are to meet again I dont see any reason why I cant come too. The relationship has changed between them, htey are friends now and she should have no problem with me coming too.