I really messed up with this guy. Can I ask for a second chance?

[hussyinterrupte]

I met a guy back in May. We instantly clicked and ended up going out on our first date 3 days later. We had amazing chemistry. AMAZING! For the 1st month we were in constant contact. We couldn't get enough of each other. He was very attentive, very available, always found a way to see me. I thought we were moving too fast and I asked to slow down. He slowed down a little but I was still freaked out by the speed and I ended up flipping out on him and almost dumping him. He practically begged me not to and ended up talking me out of it.

Like two more weeks went by and I ended up flipping out again. He was doing all this talking about me meeting his friends and family, he was planning every weekend for us for months in advance, 4 day weekends away together. Just way more than I was ready for. I did dump him this time. It lasted overnight and the next day I called him and told him I regretted my decision. He was immediately here at my place.

Over the course of the next month things just got worse. I ended up getting really cold towards him and turning into some kind of robot cold fish. I started getting passive aggressive. I stopped cluing him in on what I was doing with my social life and when I did let him in on stuff, I always acted like I was obligated to instead of that I actually wanted to share stuff with him. He started acting the same way towards me and the tension mounted at a ridiculous speed. It even started to effect the sex, which up until that point was great!

The last weekend we spent together was a total wreck. It started out with me accusing him of cheating because of some missing condoms (we were exclusive, he insisted on that since the 3rd date). I'm sure he wasn't cheating now... Then I introduced him to some of my friends. One friend was really rude to him and I didn't stick up for him, I may have even laughed at some point. Then I denied that he was my boyfriend in front of a group of people. It was just bad. I have so many regrets about that weekend it's ridiculous.

A couple days later I asked to have a talk with him and I told him that I really had feelings for him but that I wasn't sure where we were going. I asked if he thought it was a good idea for maybe the both of us to start seeing other people until we can figure out what we want. He hated that idea but told me that if I needed to, he would understand. I told him that no, I wouldn't as long as we were on the same page that things needed to be sorted out between us. Then the very next night I ended up going out with some friends and meeting a guy at a bar. Nothing physical happened between this new guy and I but because my very same friends who were making fun of him the prior weekend were there that night I decided to tell him about what happened. Just in case it ever came up as a "funny story" when he was around that he didn't think I was hiding something from him. He told me he understood and was fine with what happened and that he trusted me so it was no big deal.

A few days later we are on the phone and he tells me he's sorry but he doesn't think we are going to get more serious but that he likes me quite a bit. I asked him if he thought this was something we could work through and he said this is something both people have to be into and he just isn't into it. He also said that he would really miss me and that he wasn't completely finished considering "us" for a future. He asked if i wanted to go see a movie with him the next night but I told him no because I needed time to process what was happening. I got no sleep that night I just kept replaying what a cold, hard, emotionless crazy bitch I was. I sent him an e-mail the next day and asked if I could see him that weekend. He said he wasn't sure so I explained to him where I was coming from. That I was scared sh*tless about how strong I felt for him and how fast things were moving that I just freaked out. That I was really sorry and really the person I was acting like for the last month wasn't even close to the person I actually am. I asked for just one more chance to talk. He replied with "No. Not now. Not yet." I told him to get back at me if and when he felt the need to.

That was 3 months ago. I texted him once and I emailed him once within the first month. He never replied. So I figured I had to move on. About a month ago he started commenting on my facebook posts. He doesn't comment much at all on facebook and for the 2.5 months we were together I only got one comment from him. I don't know if he was doing this as a way to reach out or to remind me of what I can't have. I just finally ended up unfriending him last week because everytime I would see his name pop up on my phone that he left a comment all those feelings of guilt and regret for treating him so badly would rush back.

I know I messed up horribly with this guy. Real. Effing. Bad. And there hasn't been a day that's gone by since the day I met him that I haven't thought of him. I'm not saying I loved him, but it's the closest I've ever been to love. I desperately want to get in contact with him. Of course, I would love a second chance but even if that's not possible I just want to talk to him. Just to make amends even and let him know that I never meant to hurt him. I just wasn't ready for what he was offering then. I made a lot of changes in my life since he left, I even put myself in therapy. What I was so scared of with him before, I now want more than ever. I just want to be near him. A whole sunday on the couch with him sounds better than heaven to me now. When we were together I would literally kick him out of my apt on sundays because I had "sh*t to do for the workweek."

Do you think a second chance is possible? How should I go about asking for it? Should I try and contact him at all? Please help guys.

[Sixpacj]

sorry to be somewhat rude but honestly i think you have serious issues. leave the guy alone and seek help. he is better off without you.

[workingman78]

I am going to say something, and i hope you are going to listen. This guy is way more mature then you were back then. I think what you really need to do is sit youself down and work through why you want him back, because if it is some point of pride that is the reason it is not going to work at all. Have you changed inside? Are you more mature now? Would you be willing to get rid of the immature friends or stand up for him if it came to that? These are all things to consider right now because if you are not, then don't bother because this guy sounds like he is looking for something more mature and serious then you can give him.

[smackie9]

You are no way near ready for a serious committed relationship. You are going to need a few years to straighten yourself out. This isn't a second chance you are asking for, it's like your fifth or sixth. The dude isn't going to waste anymore "chances" you have already ran out of those.

[hussyinterrupte]

Thanks for the replies guys. I know I have issues and I still have a lot of work to do but I have really made a lot of progress in the last few months. I'm not 100% where I want to be but I definitely am different than I was. I really have matured a lot. I knew I wasn't ready for something serious (I did tell him that from the very beginning). I was just so caught up in the butterflies that I did a piss poor job of pacing myself.

And no pride is not the reason I want him back. I actually truly think he made a great decision in walking away. Not only for him but for me. If he didn't, I wouldn't have realized just much of a mess I've become in matters of the heart. I truly appreciate what he did for me. Even if reconciliation isn't a possibility, he's changed my life. I want him. But if I can't have him, I'll be that much better off the next time around with someone I'm actually interested in. I really do just want to spend time with him. I want to share things with him. I want him to share things with me. I miss him so much. He is truly the most fascinating man I ever met. Yes he has flaws but he's beautifully flawed in my eyes. Every single thing about him turns me on. I had no idea how to handle that when we were together.

And yes, I've changed my circle of friends. I barely even talk to that particular friend who was rude to him that night anymore. I told her why I'm keeping my distance and I told her that never EVER will I accept something like that from her again.

I really want as much of a chance to reconcile as possible. I don't want t do anything that will even further sour the taste in his mouth when he thinks of me. I'm willing to wait and give it more time before I try to initiate contact again if that's what would be best. But I really want this to work! He's a really shy, timid and kind of insecure guy. I had to approach him first the first time around and I'm pretty certain if we regain contact it'll be me that has to do it again. I just don't know how...

And from what you guys are saying I probably shouldn't.... I just really can't get over it. I've tried. I've been dating. I just can't get over the guilt and regrets with this one...

[smackie9]

If you can't get over the guilt and regret, then you are most definitly not ready yet.

[hussyinterrupte]

If you can't get over the guilt and regret, then you are most definitly not ready yet.

Touche, smackie. You are absolutely right. I need more time to fully detach myself from the negative feelings I have associated with this before I can really expect any good to come from it. It wouldn't have the slightest chance of working if I base it our shaky past. And that's really what I would be doing if I tried again right now.

Thanks so much. What you said was so simple but it really put it into perspective. I need to fully heal my wounds before I even consider contact. I definitely don't want to keep putting him (or myself) through drama.

[smackie9]

Well at least you are motivated to make changes. So many on here just sit and wine about it post after post. Best of luck.

[bulrush]

This guy sounds like he is ready to go a bit faster than you are. I've been in your place. Northing wrong with the guy, you two just have different "comfort zones" or "comfort speeds", as it were. It would not surprise me if he does not give you another chance, but your chances are wearing thin.