she lives with her ex-gf

[poohfairbanks]

Hello...I've just found this forum, it's my first post...and I guess it's going to be a long one...Just knowing that people are reading about my problem is very reconforting...so any word of advice or sympathy is more than welcome...I'm going insane here...here we go...

My gf and I have been together for 2 years now...We are co-workers and when we started dating she was married to this other girl (let's call her B., married to my gf for 11 years! Since they were 17 years old!)...Even tough I was extremely scared and uncomfortable with the prospects of being the "mistress", we were so in love that decided to give it a shot...it was wonderful...I truly believe I have found the love of my life...we get along so well, she's beautiful, cute, romantic...anyway...just perfect for me...she has fallen hard for me too...from the beginning, she always tells me she's never been so happy, that I'm the love of her life and that all she wanted was to end things up with her wife and start a life with me...

So, she kept telling me B. and her weren't much of a couple for years already...that B. was controlling and even tough she took care of her, B. couldn't make her happy the way I did...from day one, my gf promised me she would end things up with B. so we could be free together. I lived on that promise for an entire year...in the first months I was ok with it, she told me was just bracing herself for a tough divorce...she was having trouble finding the right way to talk to B....months went by, my gf father got sick, months later, he died...now my gf couldn't leave B. because it was such a delicate time, B. wouldn't take things seriously because she'd think my gf was just confused...

another 3 or 4 months went by...I was starting to feel really bad about it...I told my gf I didn't want to live like that anymore, hiding...that we deserved better...it was about time...she agreed with me, but told me that every time she tried to talk to B., she wouldn't listen...that B. didn't accept what she was saying and that kept trying to convince her it was just a bad phase...that they couldn't break up...

Christmas, 2010...my gf promised me for the 100th time that all she wanted was to break up with B. and be with me for good...she even said "2011 will start differently...New Year, new life...I will end it as soon as I can"...January, February, March...nothing...I was hurt, desperate, felling unappreciated...and gf kept telling me that B. just wouldn't accept their breakup, would keep trying to get her get and pretend nothing was going on...to add insult to injury, there was the financial issue, they rented this flat together and my gf said she couldn't afford renting a flat herself and neither could B....so they had to find new living arrangements afeter they broke up...

I was devasted already...I can't remeber how many times I called my gf crying to say that I have waited for too long...that I needed her to actually do something about it...Then B. found a letter, a love letter I had written my gf months before...It was when they indeed broke up...B. left the house to saty with some friends...In the meantime, my gf bought herself a flat with her father's life insurance money...I thought to myself...that's it!! It's settled...it's over...B. left the house...my gf is moving to her new place in 4 months...we're good! It's over, right?!

Then, the most unexpected, devastatings news...B. came back home, claiming she couldn't stay at her friends for long and that she needed to live with my gf for ANOTHER WHOLE YEAR until her sister graduated and she could rent a flat with her...What did my gf do? She said YES! That meant B. was going to cotinue living under the same roof and that she would move in with my gf to her new flat in august!

I can't even start to describe how much that hurt...it was by far the most painful moment I've had in our entire relationship...I felt left out, used, second choice, unloved, unappreciatted, unimportant...My gf finally had the perfect chance to move on and start our life together and she refused...she told it broke her heart to, but since she had cheated on her wife, she felt guilty, felt like she owned this to her....and that she loved me very much and dreamt about the day we could be together, no strings attached...

I was extremely hurt...but I do believe she loves me and what she says it's true...so I gave her anither chance...told her we would wait til the end of the year...we would make it work...I thought that even tough she lived with her ex...things were going to get better now that B. knew the whole truth and had stop trying to get back together with my gf...but it's got worse...

I'm not allowed in my gf house when B. is in (which means, they've moved into the new flat for almost 3 months now I haven't been tehre once, cause B. is always there)...Come to think of it...I don't know if I even want to go there...and see her stuff lying arouns, picture the both of them having a routine in there, feeling B's presence everyewhere...it would ruin it for me...my gf says that as soon as B moves out, all she wants is for me to move in with her...and knowing B. had to live there first already hurts me...so maybe it's best I just don't go there while she's still lives there...it would be too much...

It doesn't end there...no only am I not allowed in my gf place, I'm not allowed intheir neighbourhood...I can't even walk her home after work because she's afraid B. will see us together and she wants to avoid another uncomfortable situation...she says that because a few months ago I was walking her home and B. was waiting for her in front of their building...when she saw me she stormed into the building and my gf ran after her...she didn't even think twice...she just followed her ...and left me alone downstairs...broken hearted once again

I can't call her after 8pm cause B. is home...our friends can't know we are together...I can't go to family meetings with her because her sister would tell B. and B. would be hurt...she says she has to do theses things out of respect for B. and the way things happened...she assures me they have nothing...that I'm the only one in her life...but it still hurts me very bad...

She's not sure B. will move out by the end of the year now...last time I asked her about it she got all defnsive telling me B. wanted to move out, bit she'll move out when she's ready to...and that she wouldn't simply kick her out of her house, after all she promised her she could stay until she was financially stable again...And I don't know what to do...I honestly can't take this anymore...I don't know where else to take strenght from to put up with this this until December, let alone January, February, March again...who knows!!

I've told my gf I'm hurt and that OI do'nt wanna live like this anymore...that O love her and want to be with her, but I need her to solve this already because this is killing me...she gets hurt when I tell her that...she says I dont trust her, that I dont believe she love me and that she's being true when she says it's me she wants to spend the rest of her life with...

I don't know what to do...I don't wanna live without her...she's the love of my life...we are great together...but I'm so hurt and tired...I'm afraid of giving her an ultimatum...like "december and thats it...I want her out!'...but I'm really lost here...I can't stop crying...it's been hell...I know my gf has no intentions of getting back together with B. and I trsut her that nothing happens between them...but I just hate B. gets to be there, spending time with my gf every day...that she gets to be with her family, that her friends still think they're an item...I hate that she's part of my gf's life...whether she likes it or not...I hate that I pretty much only see my gf at work now...



Please please...help me!!! Any advice would help...I'm sorry this was such a long post...but I'm really on a legde here...



thank you...

[PetiteRae]

Ah you poor creature, you're in a lot of pain. Sort it out! Why won't you tell her to stop treating you like crap and give her an ultimatum? Are you afraid, if you say to her "she's out or I'm out" that she'll tell you fine, off you go??

[poohfairbanks]

Are you afraid, if you say to her "she's out or I'm out" that she'll tell you fine, off you go??

Well, yes...I guess I am...because every time we get in an argument over this...she tells me she understands if I just can't take this anymore and that she will always love me even if I decide to leave her...that her feelings for me will never change...and that hurts me even more, u know?! I guess, deep down, I expected her to say "Hey, babe, I'm sorry I'm hurting you...I'll take care of it right now because I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to lose you"...u know what I mean?

[bulrush]

I rarely go with an ultimatum, but I think it's time for one. One guess is that your gf has too much emotional investment in B to make the change. And I think she puts the blame on B. If this is true, then your gf isn't strong enough to break up with B.

Now ask yourself, how will her weakness affect YOUR relationship with her? It will probably end badly anyway.

Sounds like you make each other happy, but don't you think there is someone even better out there for you, that will commit to you?

[HeartIsAching]

Yeah, usually and ultimatum is a bad idea, but I think it might be time to use one.

If she's your "one and only", then she'll find the courage to make the break. If she won't, then she wasn't your "one and only" and you can resume your search. Of course, sometimes they make their break 20 years later... but that's another story.

[Cerby]

Screw it, I try my best not to start off a response like this, but the OP needs it.

poohfairbanks, you're pathetic. This girl has been stringing you along for over a year, which continuing to live with her "ex". You're not allowed anywhere near the place when "B" is there. What do you THINK is going on? She has clearly shown loyalties to her by running after her instead of talking to you when you showed up.

One of my friends was dating a guy for over a year who still lived with his ex for "business reasons", she never saw his house, and he only stayed at her place. He had to tell his ex that he was out on "business" so that she wouldn't get upset. Turns out they were still together, no surprise there.

Your story reminds me of this so much. Just drop this ****ing waste and find a girl with less baggage, because this is a shit storm and you have so much of it covering your eyes that you can't see the reality for what it is.