I just broke up with my bf of 2 years and am so heartbroken right now. Mainly because I honestly have lost sight of myself and what is normal, I've been trapped in this bubble so long. He often emtionally put me down or played games with me; like telling me he had a 'need to know' basis which sent my mind reeling with "what would he consider I need to know and what would he hide from me?" but he chose to tell me a dozen different girls asked him out at work and some were continually texting him asking him to go out with them; and even once told me he fancied someone else at work but when I got upset tried to change it and say he was lying to make me feel better (because I had asked if he liked any of these girls that were asking him out and he supposedly thought if he told me he fancied someone ELSE who wasn't interested I would feel better - needless to say it did not work out that way). I stuck with him because I love him so much and kept thinking if I tried hard enough I could make this work but recently I realised this a team effort and I have lost all trust in him because of these white lies he keeps telling and how often he changes his story. He is also very defensive and there is a clear wall up between him and myself.

Now, I'm just venting here; I have ALOT of insecurities within relationships and find trust hard to develop, which is why he would tell me white lies. But then why explicitly tell me about these girls chasing him? It was like he WANTED to see me jealous and insecure. He has been wanting to propose and has even had a ring for a year now; but I keep asking him to wait. He has been engaged twice already and is only 26, it feels like he is so focused on getting someone to marry him he keeps forgetting it takes work to get to that place where you are ready for marriage. I asked him if he would consider couples counselling to help me deal with my issues, but he refused. I don't know how to learn to trust, and when I told him my heartfelt concerns and how it was hurting me always having doubts niggling at the back of mind he just shrugged it off and said "that's your problem, not mine. I have nothing to do with it", he wouldn't even let me finish and get it off my chest.

He wouldn't add me on facebook (I know how petty this sounds) and it bothered me because I didn't understand why and he kept giving me lame reasons then changing his reason to something else when I wouldn't buy it. I still don't know what that was about, but I once went to log in to my own account but his was still logged in and I spotted his profile picture which is how I realised it wasn't my account - it was a photo of him and a female friend he used to live with, dancing in a club; with him grinding his man area (lol) up against her backside like some sleaze. It was so repulsive to see, becuase I didn't picture him behaving that way with his friends and panicked about how he might be acting around his friends now. I don't understand why he chose it as his profile pic. He also refuses to take a photo with me, just for my own album, since he refuses to allow me to put it on fb; but I found a photo of him with his arm around 'a friends gf' on a night out, which he seemed perfectly comfortable with. Why not me? I feel like he is ashamed of me.

When I asked him if this is how he behaves on a night out (referring to the photo dancing with the girl), he said "no I don't dance, I hate to dance" and all this stuff, but when I brought it up two nights ago during a conversation about my lack of trust and how I need his help to work on it he flipped out and told me "look thats how I dance, like it or lump it", which shocked me because thats quite different to "i never dance". There's just far too many of these instances where he tells me one thing but then accidentally lets something different slip at a later date and it sets off alarm bells in my head. I ahev broken up with him today for good because I have finally realised that we are NOT compatible, no matter how much I will it to work, it won't. Especially if he isn't invested in the relationship. I can't accept him as he is, and he can't deal with the insecurities all of this brings out in me.

One thing that really upsets and shocks me is that he got into the habit of pushing me around and talking down to me, and once actually grabbed me by the neck when he was angry. It was terrifying and when I started crying he told me to stop being a baby. Looking back I can't believe I accepted this and didn't stand up for myself. I don't know how this happened. And he's been texting and calling, asking if this is what I want - and it's not. I want us to work, I want him to change and deal with his issues. How can I still want him?! I'm so pathetic.

I do acknowledge I have alot of faults and issues that aren't his fault; but he really hurt me when he refused to see how he had fueled my insecurities and actually told me to 'like it or lump it' as if I meant nothing to him. He wasn't prepared to even acknowledge my feelings and completely shut me off. He told me it was my problem and had nothing to do with him. He didn't seem to care at all how much all this doubt is hurting me. I just wanted him to stop telling about girls flirting with him and asking him out because in my eyes, I don't need to know. I trust him not to cheat, so it doesn't matter if someone asks him out - I don't need to hear it. Am I crazy? Is this actually all down to me and nothing to do with him? I AM SO SO SORRY FOR THE LENGTH OF THIS, I just really needed to vent and get a real opinion, which requires all the details. Thanks for taking the time to read this, seriously