How do I deal with an interfering ex partner ?

[I need advice]

Hi Everyone ,

I'm brand new to this forum as I am at my wit's end as to what to do.

A brief history:

I'm a 42 year old guy who has been a widower for 4.5 years , had 2 short term relationships since my wife's death and have
met a lovely woman on RSVP ( I'm from Australia.) I have definitely moved on from my wife's passing and don't hold any grief
or "baggage" relating to that time of my life.

Have been seeing this lady for 3.5 months , she is amazing , caring , sensitive , giving , compassionate , beautiful , intelligent ,
I could go on and on. She has a young son who is not yet of school age. No problem there as I adore children.

The father of the child is the issue. He lives no more than 3 kilometers away from her , In a converted garage that doesn't have running water or a toilet for when his son stays there. He is from a European country and is an artist. He doesn't like structure or "rules." To organise a time for her to drop her son at his place is such a drama because he feels he is being controlled if she sets up a regular time. He has his own key to her house though he never lived there.

He will not meet me , as he feels he is not "ready." Then last night he hurt himself and to go to a hospital to be checked out. My girlfriend went to visit him which was fine , it was right for her to lend support. Then I find out tonight that he slept in the spare room and was looking after their son at the house today. He has no relatives here , but , the way I see it that was the choice he made when he made the decision to have a son with my girlfriend.I don't think that he should have the key and that he was more than capable of spending the night at his place and recovering himself.

He continually plays the victim to her , i.e. he can't cope , he's depressed , I'm here in this country all alone etc etc.

It's not that I don't trust my girlfriend. I just feel as I am in a 3 person relationship with this guy. I am not able to express my annoyance regarding him as that upsets her and she becomes insular and withdrawn when conflict arises.He just saps all the energy out of her and I sometimes feel that I am only left with the leftover pieces that he hasn't drawn out of her.

WHAT SHOULD I DO EVERYONE ?

He will always be a constant as the father of the child ( as he has a right to ) , but , I feel that my girlfriend will never establish the type of boundaries that I feel should exist.

I hope to hear your views.

G

[MerryH]

I think you're asking too much from someone you've been seeing for only 3.5 months. That is still a brand new relationship. You have no business trying to dictate in what capacity he should be in her life. It is not your place to set boundaries for her and the father of her child. I can see why she'd get upset when a new boyfriend tries to express annoyance at her personal affairs. You haven't earned the right to an opinion on this yet.

I think you should back off and let your girl handle it, but if having so little control bothers you then you should definitely break up with her so she can focus on what is important, her child.

[bulrush]

He doesn't like structure or "rules." To organise a time for her to drop her son at his place is such a drama because he feels he is being controlled if she sets up a regular time. He has his own key to her house though he never lived there.

Fine if HE doesn't like rules, but he must respect other peoples' time, and understand the need for them to set up a time to meet and exchange the kid. The problem as I see it, is he doesn't respect the time of other people.

He continually plays the victim to her , i.e. he can't cope , he's depressed , I'm here in this country all alone etc etc.

He might very well have clinical depression, it's really common among artists. Or he might be the result of a socialist country, where he is not required to take care of himself, because the gov't does. Regardless, this is inconvenient for you.

I am not able to express my annoyance regarding him as that upsets her and she becomes insular and withdrawn when conflict arises.He just saps all the energy out of her and I sometimes feel that I am only left with the leftover pieces that he hasn't drawn out of her.

Her inability to talk about your feelings about her ex will ultimately destroy your relationship with her, IMO. Communication, and feeling like you are "heard", are very important. She does not appear to have these skills, regardless of how loving she is otherwise.

But don't take my word for it, just wait and see.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're too invested in this, too early on. I can tell by the way you used 7 adjectives to describe her and the first being, amazing. This screams infatuation. You need to take a step back emotionally, and realize that you really don't know much about their relationship, only what she tells you. The time you've spent with her is enough to have a good idea, but I still think, you really only know what she tells you.

Are there other women you could pursue immediately or are you not fortunate with women? I think you should just back off some and start doing your own thing a bit more. If you still feel the same way in 4 or 5 months(she'll be a bit more attached by then), then break up with her. If that shakes her up and she wants to make a change, good. If not, also good, as you're rid of an emotional weakling.

[devonbrown]

I agree that after 3.5 months, you are putting way too much into this. It is nice that you care for this woman and want her to be free from the ex's crap and able to move forward with her own life, but you have no way of knowing if that future is with you or not. I would suggest backing off and letting her deal with it however she feels fit. It is then up to you whether you want to pursue something more with this woman. You may decide it isn't worth it and move on yourself.

Good luck.

[Wakeup]

What I'm seeing is you falling in love with a woman that still has huge unstored baggage with her ex husband. Most women who are completely emotionally distanced from their ex would not still be so involved with him and would be keeping their interactions about their son and nothing more. Just how long have they been broken up and are they divorced, separated, never been married? You don't even call him "her ex" but rather "the father of her son."

You may be only in a relationship with her for going on 4 months and jumping the gun on expecting certain behaviours from her but your gut is doing you well I think by warning you about her involvment still with this man. You may be a rebound??? Again: How long have they been broken up and why did they break up?

Anyway, to me; she sounds like she isn't over him. Have you voiced your concerns to her and if so, what was her explanation for continuing to keep this man in her immediate life still?

[I need advice]

Thankyou everyone for our replys and thoughts.

I have asked my partner whether she is "ready" for a relationship , I in fact asked that in the first week of our time together and she said that yes she was. I suppose it is easier to say without the associated feelings of loyalty etc to her ex.

She does carry alot of guilt that her son won't have the traditional mum + dad family structure growing up and I feel that her ex plays on that.

It is a shame because when it is just the 2 of us ( or the 3 of us with her son ) we have such a great level of communication and fun together.

[HeartIsAching]

Yep, you're putting way too much on a 3.5 month old relationship.

However:

In the future if you're still together and he's still an issue, ask her if she'd be willing to attend a domestic violence (victims) class. What he is doing to her is pretty typical controlling, manipulative bullshit, and she's falling for it. A class might open her eyes and help her to put her foot down.

Other than that, there's damned little you can do - you can't control him or her. The Princess has to rescue herself, if she wants to. If you can't handle it, you've got to tell her so and why (COMMUNICATE) and walk.

[IndiReloaded]

Too early. You really don't know this woman.

I know you really like this woman but remember this: there is a big difference b/t your relationship situation (a widower) and hers (divorced? an oops?). While its true the past doesn't necessary predict the future it does tell a lot about their mindset and decision-making. Particularly when she is still showing troubling behaviour like a lack of reasonable boundaries.

Its lonely being a widower. You must still miss your wife greatly. I am sorry for your loss. But try to step back from your current situation and see it for what it really is: a woman with a child from a flaky guy, due to bad choices she made. Hold your heart closer so you don't get shredded.

You might also want to read the Sticky in the main Love Forum on Shining Knight Syndrome. You might be a candidate. Take care.