I am marrying a guy who doesn’t want to…

[Sirupy Tuna]

Our situation is a little complicated. I live in Denmark and he is from the USA. The only way for us to be together in a stable condition, is to get married and apply for an immigration visa. Currently immigration laws favor our unison in the USA, so that is the plan.

The problem is that my future husband doesn’t believe in marriage at all. In fact he thinks it is stupid. I, on the other hand, feel that it is something very beautiful when two people have the courage to promise each other a lifetime together. It is, in essence, a promise that none of us can rightfully make, and so it is basically the ultimate declaration of good intension. In other words, it means a great deal to me. In truth, though, I wouldn’t mind not getting married at all. But in this case that would be the same as ending the relationship. We can’t keep seeing each other only 3-or-so times a year during vacation time. There isn’t really any way around it.

In many cases people have to simply accept that they disagree on something and move on, but I guess I feel like this isn’t so easy to let fly. In his view, the ideal way for us to get the marriage out of the way would be to just go to the clerk’s office and sign the papers. For me, the most important thing is to make it a happy occasion. I don’t care much for a traditional church wedding, I just want it to be something nice to think back on, and a good reason for future celebration. I have suggested that we get an Elvis ceremony in Las Vegas and spend a few nights in a nice hotel, and he has agreed to that. Now, he assures me that he will have a good time in Vegas, and he even says that he is excited about it, but whenever we are discussing (arguing about) the various aspects that we have to get settled, he clearly lets me know that he basically doesn’t give a rats ass about it, and that he’s only doing it to make me happy.

But I’m not. I guess I should be happy that he is willing to comply with my wishes, but it is hard for me to find the happiness that was after all what I wanted most. I have asked him what would make HIM happy, but there doesn’t seem to be a happy solution for him out there. And I can’t really find it in myself to pretend that that doesn’t mean anything. I can’t bring myself to not care that he thinks it is ridiculous. I keep pouring my emotions into it, and I keep getting hurt about the things he says.

So… Here I am, getting married. And I don’t even look forward to it. That is the worst part! I don’t want to do it like this. I don’t want to give him a promise he doesn’t care to receive. I feel stupid.

I have been thinking that maybe we should just go sign those papers and be done with it. At least I won’t be fooling myself then. But I only plan to get married once, and I really want it to be at least worth a celebration.

Please help me find some happiness in this situation. I feel so lost in this.

~ The Bride

[Keating1000]

What about getting married this time just for the Visa so you can live together.

That way you can see each other every day rather than 3 time a year.

Your relationship will flourish and you can renew your wedding vows at a later period of time were your
boyfriend might be a bit more open to marriage?

Hope this helps

[Sirupy Tuna]

I have been trying to get used to that idea since we first talked about getting married, but as I see it, there are several problems.

1: I don't think he's going to change his mind. He's been of this opinion since we first met in 2004. He says that he has already declared that he would spend his life with me by saying that he loves me. This is something he has never told any other girl (I, however, have loved other men before him). Basically he isn't objecting to the idea of spending his life with me, he is objecting to the formality of it.

2: Even if there is a chance that he is going to change his mind, I don't think basing my contentment on the hope that he will is sustainable.

3: I can't seem to make myself think that this isn't important to me somehow.

[Jenswaiting]

If you both have different values on marriage, do you have other major differences? Personally I'd be concerned that there were other values that you do not share.

I have done what you're about to do, unfortunately the marriage didn't work out. We had far too many differences and it started with the same issue; we didn't view marriage similarly at all.

One final point I'd like to make, living with each other after many years of being apart will be a shock to both of you. You may find that you are completely different than what you knew of each other in a long distance relationship.

[surfhb]

It's mind boggling why anyone would marry another person when the 2 don't agree on what the idea of marriage is.

Seriously? You think this whole set up is what's best for you? Do you relize how many nice looking American guys would LOVE to marry some hottie from Demark?

[persina]

Differences in Priorities and Expectations is in the top ten list for "reasons why people get divorced"... you only have two choices.forget that dream of yours and just take him the way he is and understand that he is worth more then a wedding... or 2. let him go now instead of making him do something he really doesnt want to do. good luck

[devonbrown]

I agree that if he doesn't share your view on something so fundamentally important to you that it is bound to continue to be an issue going forward. You will resent him for it and he will resent you for it. So basically you are setting yourself up to fail. That is not a good way to be.

Some people just aren't meant to be together. That is why they call certain things "dealbreakers." I think you found yours.

Good luck.

[Kaius]

I kinda went through this when I was 22. My girlfriend was in China and I live in the USA. We knew each other for 4 years, but have only spent probably 20 days together..TOTAL. So my parents had an idea... we would get married, get her a VISA....spend time together and then decide if we want to stay married. It was okay in the beginning.... we stayed married for 12 years and had 2 kids together.... but in the end, I finally realized, it was not a good marriage.

[HeartIsAching]

Personally I think if you're getting married and either one of you has doubts - DON'T. Take it from someone that made that mistake multiple times before finally getting it right... if it doesn't feel right, it isn't, and it's going to end in disaster. Why waste the time? You've got such a long life that you can afford to throw time away on someone?

[sssspanos]

What I get from what you say is that there must be other problems between you two except the marriage issue... I understand a lot his point as I would no way get married for any reason except if I had kids. I never had a dream to marry anybody and I think that me and my partner must count only to our relationship having to do with how things go on.

On the other hand the fact that he is doing it for your shake - I wouldn't - is something that should make you happy!

Stop focusing in marriage staff and focus on a real , true, sexy, relationship between you two. This only can lead you to happiness.
And something else: No law, church, children or anything else will keep that man with you , if you don't...