Am I Breaking My Own Rules?

[alemph]

Let me state that I find what I'm doing right now is incredibly stupid. I'm laughing on the inside that I'm posting what I'm about to post. Not because I find that other people doing this as a joke and pathetic, just seeing me specifically doing it, knowing who I am (somewhat) and my mentality, seeing myself doing this is crazy. I respect what people do and the fact they can open up about it on a website to strangers gives them even more power (aside from me, of course).

Let me state I'm 18. I don't really believe in love at 18, chances are if you think you love someone at 18 you really don't. Exceptions? Definitely. You haven't been around the block long enough and I've heard so many people say "I love you" throughout middle school and high school that it's made me sick. Attracted or really like someone? Sure, why not. Love them at 18 after several weeks of dating them? Probably not.

Let's take this back a year ago, Summer of 2010. I was good friends with a girl and stopped talking to her and she ended up committing suicide. Emotionally attached? Not really. Fast forward to about late July and I met another girl on this video gameish social website and we hit it off. We moved off from that game and we have pretty much been talking to each other almost everyday for at least 4-5 hours a day. No joke. Often playing games and talking to each other with microphones. We know how each other sounds and looks like. I don't know what it was, but I felt something immediately. It was weird. I remember a month after we first started talking to each other and she went away for about two weeks and I just didn't know how to react, I didn't really do much in those two weeks. Literally. She came back and everything was okay after that. I gave her a birthday present a month later, a year later I gave her another birthday present, which I spent several months working on (it required that length). I wouldn't be surprised if I get her a Christmas present this year, she has also gotten me something for my birthday earlier this year.

Did I mention we chat about 4-5 hours (at least) almost everyday? Sometimes we can be talking (literally - voices) for that length, something I find incredible. Do I like her? Yes. Do I find her attractive, even though she doesn't really find herself attractive? Yes, and not hot. There is a big difference. I think she's pretty beautiful and has a pretty erotic voice in my opinion, but that's coming from myself, who is an American and finds almost any foreign accent on an opposite sex more attractive than an American accent, although I've been labeled as picky. She has labeled my voice as "sexy," but I guess that has to do with what I just mentioned about myself. Oh yeah, she's in England by the way. I'm also not going to beat around the bush, I mentioned a beautiful look and great voice, and I'm not going to lie when I say I'm also sexually attracted to her, see the next paragraph with a bit more on that. I'm a guy, not going to lie.

I've had dreams about her often, sometimes sexual and sometimes not. This is a point because about every 10 days I'll usually have a sexual dream with her in it, probably dating back to early this year. There are non sexual dreams too, and she has described at least (very lean estimate) a dozen times where I've made some cameo appearance in her dreams. I like a lot about her, I can (and usually do) have crappy days and that first message from her can just change my day. I can imagine her voice and especially her laugh in my head right now and it always brings a smile to my face. This is coming from somebody who doesn't smile often.

I'm not asking for people to tell me that I love her. I don't think it is and that's not my point. Love? What is that? I don't know what that feels like and I could even be described as cold hearted, and love is probably something you won't understand until it either smacks you in the face or when it walks right by you and it's too late. My point either isn't either for people to tell me that she may like me as well, although I don't think that's likely. I've been planning on going to England sometime next year and obviously a point of interest would be to meet up with her at sometime, but certainly not the only reason why I'd want to go. If you were to ask me what I'd do when I first saw her in person I don't know if I could keep a consistent story. Right now I'd run up to her and give her a huge hug, something I hardly ever do and spin her around as if we were dating for a long time and had not seen each other. I'd do anything to please this girl. The only thing that seems pathetic is that I've pushed aside any girl that I may have had a slight interest in or that may have taken an interest in me who are around me this past...16 or 17 months in favor of this girl. I don't want analysis on what seems obvious, I just want what people to do something I'd never ask: dig deeper into this and draw out every single criticism and detail you can think of.

I'm 18 years old and please, please pick apart my logic and my lack of experience. Thank you and sorry for the essay.

[MerryH]

You don't know her. You only know what she chooses to tell you about herself and what you choose to believe about her. She can present her personality in whatever way she feels like. She doesn't have to tell you the bad stuff or let you see it. You don't know how she interacts with others, how she lives her life day-to-day, etc. I'm not saying she's purposely deceiving you, but if, for example, she's had four DUIs in the past year, it would be very easy to just not mention that because it makes her look bad.

You have a crush on a fantasy, basically, and it's not healthy for you to not know what to do with yourself if she's not around or to be pushing other girls away. You're way too invested in a pen pal. It's just not realistic.

[bulrush]

I'm glad you realize you don't quite understand love. Love and committment are a bit different. Committment takes more than love. You don't yet realize that love, an emotion, will not fix all things, and it will not conquer all. That is a fairy tale. It takes action and work to make a relationship work. Some relationships take more work. So you want to date many people to find that person with which you have the most in common.

Merry is right. You truly don't know someone until you live with them. And you really don't know if your infatuation will last until you live with them, and get to know them. Which is why I have these rules:

1. Do not move in with someone until you have dated 1 year. Spend a few nights with them, get to know them in the morning and evening. But don't move in yet.
2. Do not marry someone until you have lived with them for 1 year more.
3. Do not marry until age 25 or older. The brain is still developing at that age, and one does not have enough experience to determine if they can find a more compatible person or not.

With younger people hormones are strong and affect emotions quite a bit. Thus when a young person finds someone who is a little similar to them, their emotions go all wild and they think they're in love.

At age 40, I have fallen in love with someone after just 3-4 weeks of dating. But ONLY because we had a lot in commong (like great communication and other issues), I allowed myself to, and because I understand everything required to make a relationship work. I chose to let my feelings free at that point because I felt I had the wisdom to make a gamble, and win at finding someone special. I didn't do it lightly.

My advice to you

Have fun with this girl, but don't move in with her, and don't get married. Explore the emotions, but try to see where you two are compatible, and where you are not. Watch when you have a fight. What do you fight about? Is she whiny and immature? Or is she ready to do the work a relationship requires? Will she put effort into the relationship? Or will you be the only one making an effort?

[steviej]

Urgh, long distance relationship... That is bad. Lets say you go on holiday to england for a couple of weeks, everything is great. What now? Wait another year to see her? Its very, very difficult for a long distance relationship to work, my advice would be to enjoy this girls company but don't let that stop you meeting girls who are a lot closer! You're not exclusive with her or anything so enjoy your freedom.

[persina]

i made a similiar experience many years ago...i spent many many hours having great conversations and honestly i dont regret any of the time i have invested in it. of course we never worked, because he was just too far away. he was going to come visit me, but i stopped him right before he came so that it doesnt make things more complicated. its ok to dream, to wonder, what if, but never forget that we dont live in a fantasy world. reality is that you and her dont really have a chance. sooner or later one of you is going to fall in love with a "real" person... but until then enjoy the good time you and her have... its not in vain. yall can just stay very good friends... just like me and that guy from my past. we still talk