Someone please just let me know it gets better....

[sadface:0(]

This separation has only been going on 3 months... the first month, we still lived together... The physical separation has been so hard for me... I miss him everyday...We've maintained some sort of relationship... But recently, I don't know what happened... He got upset with me, because of instead of going to a party that his new coworkers invited him to, he stayed talking with me about the relationship... I didn't realize it would upset him this much, and I never told him not to go... This was on Saturday... I was just so sad, because of the holiday (this season is tearing me up because of my broken family)...So he told me today he didn't want to talk... We have a child together and still took him trick or treating together.... We are going to have to remain communicating for our son... But to know that we won't really be communicating other wise is extremely painful.... You know it's bad when your four year old is comforting you and says "You're sad because you miss daddy, huh? It's ok mama, you have me here and you can just pretend that daddy is here"... I don't know if it's going to be worse having to see and hear from him in small doses or if it would be worse to not hear from him at all... I talk to his mom a lot... She's like an angel... She's really supportive and keeps telling me to remain positive and that she knows he still loves and cares for me... I just feel like dying... I'm so sad and I just want my family back together... How do you make it through something like this? I just want someone to tell me it's going to be ok...

[steviej]

Can you give more details? What's the back story to what happened?

I don't want to tell you there is hope you'll get back together when there is none, or vice versa!

[sadface:0(]

This is going to be long, bare with me. But, if you want to know, then you should know how the relationship went, for the most part. My guy and I were together for 5 years. I got pregnant just 4 months into the relationship. We loved eachother very much. We had a perfect relationship. All of our friends would even tell us "If you guys don't make it, the rest of us are screwed" haha... Of course, like with any relationship we had problems. When I was pregnant, we were both young (20 years old) and we both weren't ready for a child. We thought about adoption. I decided around 6 months that adoption was fine for some people, but I wanted to keep our son. I think this freaked him out. He wouldn't really talke to me about the pregnancy. I want you to know my guy worries a lot about finances and is very careful when it comes to situations that are this intense. I myself couldn't understand this at first. This also caused a ton of problems in our relationship. Eventually, he accepted the idea. when I was 8 months, he left to work in the wind industry (on wind turbines)... This caused some issues. He made this decision without me. He just told me one night that he was leaving in a week, he had put a notice at his current job at the time, and he'd be leaving. At first. I felt he was just running away from the situation... And he did need time and space to clear his head. We were apart for 6 months (still dating). I moved to Abilene, TX where he had been stationed for an extended period so he, my son and I could finally be together. This was a rough time period, but still good. He worked a lot, I stayed at home. We didn't have a lot of "couple" time, which I believe took a toll on us. We loved spending time with our son, when he did have the time to be at home, of course, but we never really had too much alone time, being that we also lived with our close friend. When this job ended, we moved back to NM, where we are both from and moved in with his parents for a year. I love, adore and respect his parents, and I know they feel the same about me. This was also hard, again, never much "couple" time, but we also had a lot of good times there. About 8 months into living with his parents, I felt it was time we had our own space, finally... He was reluctant about it. Again, my guy is the type that worries a lot about finances and big steps. He felt we didn't have the means to do it. He just likes to live comfortably. Nothing wrong with that, I get it. We used to argue a lot about this. I was always more concerned about my guys feelings, way more concerned than I was with my own. So whenever an unsettling subject was at hand, I took his feelings into consideration first. Even when I was pregnant and he left, as much I thought it was a bad idea, I let him go so he could do whatever he needed to do. When we finally moved out, I began working again in a Salon and he did construction work. This was a good time in our relationship; we were both able to contribute financially and had a home of our own (the same friend that lived with us in Abiline did live with us for about a month). However, I dont know what started happening. We began to argue. I felt that he always held it over my head that he made more money than I did and contributed more financially than I did the entire relationship. This was hurtful, because I had always wanted to help him out financially. We weren't by no means extremely poor. We lived comfortably and were both doing well for young people. This caused more stress on the relationship. About this time, and this is important. I began to become really close with a couple of girls (one being the wife of the guy that lived with us the two times). We began to have "girls nights" and we would go out have our fun (nothing permiscuous) and did what girls do, vent out what was going on in our relationships. My biggest concerns were that fact that my guy always had to have the upper hand financially and still seemed afraid of parenthood. Please keep in mind, he is not a total jerk. He is a wonderful father and did amazingly well for our family. It was just frustrating for me. 9 months into living on our own, he threw around the idea of going back to school. I loved this idea and was hugely supportive of it. We discussed it and decided it would be a good thing to move to Albuquerque so he could attend UNM. We both decided that I would move up first to begin building up my clientele in a salon, and he and my son would follow in a couple of months. So here we go again, we lived seperately again. I also saw this as an opportunity for him to take on more of a role of taking care of our son. And I could take on the role of being the one who contrubutes more financially. I thought these couple of months were going to do wonders for us. I was wrong. What was supposed to be a couple of months, turned into about 6 months. The salon industry is horrible in Albuquerque. There's a salon on every single corner, some shops right next to eachother. I was booth renting ($450 a month to have a space in a salon). My business never picked up off the ground. This made me feel terrible. I wanted him to go back to school and for us to be together again. But it just didn't happen that way. He told me he decided to stay with his parents (that's where he moved after I left) and finish a house he was builing for income. This killed me. During the time apart, I maintained close relationships with the girls I mentioned earlier. I hung out with a couple of guy friends that I've know since before my guy and I were dating, and another one who hung out with them. FYI I have always had male friends. My guy and I come from the same group of close friends who are all males. So this wasn't anything unusual. I never had an attraction to any of these guys, and thought of them like brothers. I also want to make it clear that the 6 months I was living alone, I hardly went out. Maybe 6 or 7 times the entire time in 6 months. My guy and I were fighting. constantly by now. I began to feel angry with him. I was trying so hard to get this business going, and he made it seem like I wasn't doing anything about it. After 5 months there, we discussed it and decided it was time to end the salon booth rent. I left and found a different salon to work in on commission. This also turned out to be a bust. I was also looking for another job while being there at that salon. I got hired doing retail at the mall, and decided to leave this salon, as it wasn't doing anything for us financially. Everything was so stressful now. We weren't living together, finances were in the dirt, we were fighting, it was stressful. I would vent to my friends. When my guy would come up on the weekends, we would argue. It didn't even feel like we were enjoying much of our time together, it would always turn into fighting. One night, one of the few times I went out, we were fighting (this was before leaving the booth rent). I have always been honest and open with my guy about everything. I wasn't going out with ill intent, I just wanted to see my friends for a little bit. I hadn't done anything in long time, and just simply wanted to enjoy myself. So my guy calls and texts me. The bar we were at is loud and I just simply didn't hear my phone. The second I see he's called, I respond. He was angry and began fighting with me because I missed his calls. So I was upset. Shouldn't have done this, but I did. I got drunk. Didn't really intend on doing that, but it happened. On the way home, I felt so sick, I hadn't been so drunk before. He was trying to get a hold of me, but I just wanted to get home and then talk to him. Stupid me, I know. I sent him a text after a ton of calls telling him I was home (I was really only a block away) and I'd talk to him. He called my friend who was driving and told him we were ALMOST to my apartment. A little lie I said, I don't know why I said it, not even harmful, I felt, turned into a huge cluster F@$*k. The next morning, I wake up at 7 am my guy at the door (He had driven 2 hours to get to where I was). He showed up to kick me out. He felt I was being ungrateful and he needed to "show me how good I had it". I always knew I had it good, we had our flaws like any other relationship that were stressful, though. So I left to a friends house. I was heartbroken. I had no idea what pushed him to do this. Yes we were having issues, but I felt we still loved eachother and both meant well, we were just in a tough spot. I later on found out that this girl, who I thought was a dear friend, had feed things into his mind. "Maybe you should break up with her so she can see how good she has it" Came from her. She told me a totally different story. At the time I was so upset and taken back, I believed her when she said she told him not to do that. My guy was just changing so much... He was never jealous, we never used to fight like the way we were, it was all insane to me. The next morning after kicking me out, he showed up at my friends house and took me home. We stayed separated for only like 2 weeks, and decided to get back together. But I was so hurt and angry that he did that to me. It was awful... We just began to fight more and more....During our separation, my close guy friend told me I was being stubborn and needed to stop it. I trusted the advice and lecture he gave me and agreed he was right, which is how my guy and I ended up back together. My guy finally moved in with me. I was happy about this. But, his brother also moved in with us. And then his brother let his friend move in with us. So here we are, living in this 2 bedroom apartment. I need to stress the fact that his brother never has been friendly with me, I've always tried to be nice to him. I had it with trying to be so nice and kind to his brother after him making me feel so uncomfortable in my own home. His brother would stir up emotions: fights between my guy would happend, and his brother would feel the need to join in... It was a mess...His brother would actually constantly tell me to break up with my guy. The guy who told me to stop being stubborn and to reconcile with my guy and I became super close friends. Eventually, because of all the trouble in our relationship, my guy saw this friendship as a threat. He began to act out on this. Became jealous, it got bad. He even called this friend one day and told him to not talk to me so much. Everything was becoming more and more stressful.. On top of that, we had his brother there stirring everything up, and his friend there (he was always nice, I never minded him, but just 4 adults and a child living in a 2 bedroom was maddening)..I began to question the relationship. I loved my guy, still do, never stopped loving him this entire time, but it was becoming so hard. He became angry with my firends, which made me angry. He would act irrationally about me hanging out with them. These friends played a huge role in our fights. I didn't see it at the time, but they were taking a huge toll on our relationship. I just don't know what happened with us. We went from perfect, to always fighting. It all built up to one major fight. He shoved me and I left. I just wanted the fighting to end. I was only gone a week. I came back to the apartment to be with him. We had talked while I was gone and staying at a friends. I think I finally got the clarity to see that things, although stressful and hard, weren't worth throwing away. We began to talk about how we were going to come back stronger from this and we loved eachother more than anything now. Things were good. We were getting along. Of course the hurt from the separation was still fresh and there, so some moments were hard. But I felt we were on the right track. But, of course new problems arose. His brother and his new girlfriend started problems. They gave my guys number to her sister and tried setting them up. His brothers new girlfriend caused a whole night full of drama by lying and saying I said his brother was a womanizer this that and the other. It was bad. But then my guy and I were getting along again. We moved out, separated physically, which I hate. He lives with his brother (his bro's gf is always around), and I moved in with our close mutual friends. I've done everything. I stopped communication with these "friends" I had before because I finally saw for myself they weren't really good friends. I've become more patient with my guy. More affectionate (which he complained there was a lack of during the relationship) everthing. We've gone to 3 couples therapy sessions. Haven't gone in about 3 weeks because of finances, but I want to continue going. And then this happened, where he tells me he doesn't want to talk... It feels like I just hit a brick wall. I don't know if he just needs time away to think things through (like the wind industry) or if he just wants to go in a separate direction. I know he loves and cares for me. And I want nothing more than for us to work things out. It's just a hard time and I don't know what to make of all of this. So you see, it was really just one year of bad shit constantly going on... One thing right after another.... I don't think it means we should give up because of it, but I don't know how much of a chance we have getting back together. He tells me he loves me, and that things just need to fall into place. But I just don't know what he means by that. I apologize for the novel, but I hope it gives someone insight to how things fell apart.

[steviej]

Tough one, it sounds though he's been quite selfish and controlling and you've been putting up with a lot of crap. There's no easy answer to this one, especially when you have a kid together.
From my point of view it sounds like you both need to try and remove the external stresses on the relationship, living with others when you have a family is hard work. Getting those things sorted so that you can have quality time together would help.
Also, all the arguments that you said constantly keep happening, the root of them needs to be sorted otherwise you'll enter the circle of splitting up, reconcilling, breaking up again...

Maybe you both need to start slowly, almost like dating again. Recapture the spark again without the baggage of the last 12 months. Don't chase him, but the next time you see or speak suggest going out for a meal/drinks, just the two of you?

[workingman78]

This is going to come across as harsh, but it sounds to me like there is some serious growing up that needs to happen for the both of you. I think you were on the right track with the couples counselling but that is gone now. Now if you both were to maybe take some time off from each other, and really work on your own lives, you guys could revisit the relationship aspect again. I agree with steviej about starting from the ground level

[sadface:0(]

Thank you both so much... I appreciate the advice and your opinions. I agree that we need to start from the ground up, and that we both need to mature in certain ways.... I just hope it's not too late for this to be saved... it's only been 3 months, but it's just so hard... I haven't really spoken to him in only a few days, but it feels like an eternity... I suppose patience is going to have to be my best friend throughout this whole thing :0/

As far as inviting him out... To be totally honest, I'm terrified of him rejecting an invitation... He has before... I feel that I'm just at the point where I've tried everything I can think of and haven't really gotten much effort on his end... I know he thinks what he was doing before the separation was trying, but to be totally honest, I think we both were trying things our own way to solve issues, just not the right ways... if that makes any sense...??.. We both hold fault as to why the separation happened, not just me and vice versa...He's just so mad at me for initiating the separation that he can't see anything else but that... I don't know how many times I've heard him say "you broke up with me!"... Isn't a separation supposed to be a little bit different? I don't know, I always assumed a separation was meant for a couple to take time off to calm things down and sort out problems.... not completely "break it off"... I've tried explaining this to him (that I never wanted a full blown break up, just for things to calm down), but he just doesn't listen... he just see's "SHE BROKE UP WITH ME" and not much else of anything...It's so frustrating... and confusing... I just want my family to be fixed...

It's just a hard situation... But you guys are absolutely right... and again, I appreciate the advice

[workingman78]

I would like to amend my first comment, it really sounds like he needs to do more growing up then you do, and I wouldn't hold my breath by the sounds of it. Good luck.

[steviej]

Perhaps explain this in a letter/email. That way you can word it exactly how you want and stress to him the difference between seperation and breaking up. It will give him more time to think about what you've said and hopefully have a reasonable reply.

It does sound like he's very immature though.

[sadface:0(]

Well, We spoke today and I asked if he would want to return to counseling with me... he said no... He wants to do the no contact thing, unless it has to do with my son or to do with bills, things of that nature... He wants time to do whatever it is he wants to do... live life I guess, whatever that entails... It's out of my hands now... nothing more I can do... There's nothing more I can do... I tried my hardest to work this through, and it wasn't good enough... That sucks and it hurts so so so much... I feel so angry, sad, confused... I don't know... I guess I tried, and that's what counts... :0( Again, I tried explaining the separation... I tried explaining again that me feeling sad the other night wasn't all because of the party he was going to, but the holiday as a whole, and the holidays coming up were the things that were killing me... he wouldn't listen... So... now wtf to do...

[workingman78]

Now, accept that you tried your best, and that there is nothing else to be done. You seem like a very nice person, start to move forward and do things for yourself. It is easy for me to say this, but you know, coming from personal experience (I was in a 9 year relationship myself that ended poorly) there is a light at the end of the tunnel and a guy who is going to love and care for you for who you are.

[bulrush]

I just don't think you two are right for each other. It will get better over time, and having no contact helps the healing. Let him visit your child, otherwise, no contact.