my partner has a child with someone else and im jealous

[sarahmobbs1987]

Hi all,
first of all i will try and keep this as short as possible but it is a bit of a long one, i would like some genuine advice please.

I got with my boyfreind in febuary 2010, in the august 2009 before me, he had met up with a women on two occasions, anyway it didnt work out and he decided not to see her again as she told him she had slept with someone else in the same week as him!! anyway a few weeks later he got the text saying she was pregnant, so of course he said he would pay for a DNA test, anyway throughout the pregnancy she gave him abuse for not being there etc, when of course why would he?
he didnt no if the baby was his? Anyway when i met him he told me of the case and to be honest i just hoped the baby wasnt his,although i do have a 7 year old boy myself from a previous relationship. Anyway he paid for dna as soon as baby was born and it turned out to be his, he totally stood up to the mark and has been a fantastic father to his son who is now 18 months old. Always has him twice a week on his days off etc and pays maintenance. anyway i forgot to mention that in the meantime when she was about 8 months pregnant, i fell pregnant with his baby but we decided to have a abortion as we didnt no if this other baby was his or not at the time. that wasnt nice for me i felt like someone else who barely nos him was possibly carrying his son and mine had to be taken away because of her.
anyway since the baby (jamie) has been born she has caused so much trouble, first of all my partner never had a say in the name and his son hant even got his surname! she texts him most days about random stuff that doesnt even matter or may not be anything to do with his son, at first my partner use to reply now he just ignores, but i cant just before christmas last year she asked him to get with her for the boys sake, she kicked up a fuss saying we werent allowed to have his son overnight he had to stay at her house, she came to her senses in the end but she put herself in this situation, i think she expected him to get with her once he found out he was his, he has even agreed, for the first 6 months of his life my partner hung around with her just to see his son as she wouldnt let him see him alone, which is fair enough at that age, but not now, she wants family days out etc with him, im finding it extra hard right now as me and my partner decided to come off birth contol and see what happens anyway, i had a ectopic pregnancy, i feel down as ever and now i hate her even more, everytime his phone gos i comment, or even pick it up, i hate the fact she has his son i feel i should have that, i no i sound pathetic but its how i feel, my partner has done nothing suspious at all towards her and i no he loves me with all his heart and i do him, as aprat from all this we have a great relationship we have just got a house together. but it is grinding me down, and most of all im scared of resenting his son as he grows up, he is a lovely little boy and i no none of it is his fault, but my jealousy seems to be getting worse, i throw sarcy comments at my partner most days. if theres anything else you need to ask please do, just want some freindly advice, thankyou for taking time to read my essay lol xxx

[AnnonymousMan]

Wow, you totally blew my mind with this issue. First time all day I read a topic where someone actually has a serious issue...
I think you should first, talk to him about how you feel. Tell him everything. Being "sarcy" isn't positive so expect for him to be mean back. I can understand how he wants to be apart of his sons life but unfortunetly this woman seems to be keeping a leash on him. Did you ever think of this other womans intentions? Maybe she wants him back or is useing him for money etc? It's half his son so why the hell is she making all the rules? I'm not to sure about legal rights in this situation. I know in the states, at least here in VA, if you move states away you can avoid child support (I know thats wrong lol).

Looking at things from a distance, they ended up having a kid together when they aren't even together anymore, your a third wheel in the scenario, and now you have to deal with his issues. Obviously your not the kids mother but then again you can't stay out of it since your man is involved. There isn't much you can do really...Its his decisions ultimately. Your the one who got together with a guy who now has baggage so either stay with him and both of you come to some sort of agreement or at least discuss it all or leave him. Try for custody of the child perhaps.

[MerryH]

most of all im scared of resenting his son as he grows up, he is a lovely little boy and i no none of it is his fault, but my jealousy seems to be getting worse

This is so unfair to that kid. Come on, grow up. Stop blaming a little boy for your own reproductive choices and personal jealousy issues. Or just break up with your boyfriend and remove yourself from the situation completely because you have no business being a possible stepmother to someone you resent. You'll screw that kid up. And you're probably already screwing up the relationship your boyfriend has with his son.

Every time she calls you either answer it yourself or make a comment? She has to communicate with him. Are you purposely trying to come between him and his son? Make it easier for him to be a good dad. That relationship is more important than you.

[MaidenMinx]

Don't have a child with this man. You will grow to resent his son for any time of money he takes from your children. I have seen it happen.

[sarahmobbs1987]

woo woo woo i never said i actually resented him i said im scared incase i do as he grows up! i have a very good relationship with his son, but i do not like her and the way she treats my partner which is why my jealousy is getting worse, because of the things shes does and sais, she blantently wants to be with my boyfreind and has said so. i never answer a phone call, i read the texts she sends as she never rings she always texts, even though my partner has tried to ring she ner answers only texts, and i am not screwing up the relationship he has with his son i encourage him to look after him, but not when it suits her when it suits him, as she is unemployed and my partner works full time.

[sarahmobbs1987]

and yes she has said she wants him to be with her for her sons sake and asks him out on nights out etc, and she always makes the rules quoting because she has custody! my partner will not take her to court as he wants a quiet easy life, and if she sais things or speaks to him like a peice of crap which shes does a lot, he just ignores saying power of ignorance, ive spoken to my partner numerous occasions and nothing comes from it because he says theres nothing he can do, i just have to ignore like he does, i do not what to leave him as we do have a good relationship. but the texts and the mood swings, the way she talks to him, saying his a rubbish father when he has done everything he could for his son, annoys me, like just last weekend she kicked up a fuss because my partner was working and she wanted to go out so he couldnt have his son for her, i mean he cant afford to not go to work theres bills to pay and maintenance yet she gets money from the goverment!

[Kaius]

For goodness sake... he really needs to stop getting women pregnant before he is ready.
I am being serious. God forbid if you got pregnant now, he is gonna go insane....and everyone will suffer emotionally and financially.
He needs to get a vasectomy immediately.
If you plan to stay with him in the long run, you have to accept his situation.
You have a choice to walk away for your own child's sake. Can you imagine how this hurts your child with all the drama?!

[AnnonymousMan]

Out of curiousity, you said you had an abortion right? Well did your man ever talk to this other woman about aborting this kid that has caused so many issues or did the woman refuse? I am not saying abortion is right or wrong, I am just curious as to what this other woman had to say.

[sarahmobbs1987]

Thanks all for advice not sure what to do. She doesn't no about the abortion we kept it between. us i didn't want her to no.