Porn

[Lover14]

I know there's a couple of threads similar to this, but i need some advice!
I've been with my boyfriend a year and a half now and i found out a few months ago that he watches porn regularly (he said about once a month originally however this has increased recently). He knows i hate him watching it and ive told him several times how it makes me feel, and he keeps promising he won't watch it again, yet he still does. When i go on the laptop the history has been recently closed and i know hes now deleting it from his history so i wont find out. All my friends are telling me to leave him, but i love him I've even given him pictures of myself so he could look at those instead, but he obvs doesnt want to use them. Oh and our sex life is gradually decreasing which im not happy about! What should i do!?!

[bulrush]

You sound like you have insecurity issues if you are afraid of some simple moving pictures. Why not talk to him about it? Or talk about why you are so insecure about him watching porn? Maybe you shouldn't read romance novels, which are soft porn for girls, anyway.

[Lover14]

Ive already told him how i feel about it, and i know im insecure, but it makes it worse when im replaced by the porn. He watches it every day and is never interested in having sex with me anymore. But yeah ill put the soppy girl books away aswell!

[bulrush]

He is not replacing you with porn, that is YOUR assumption, so stop assuming things, and have a serious talk with him. Guys have a high sex drive, much higher than the average woman, and he needs some outlet for his desires. His hormones are causing his desires, and there's nothing he can do to control his hormone levels, except wait 30 years for them to go down.

If he came to you for sex, he would want it 3-5 times EVERY DAY. Wouldn't that get tiring for you? So he knows it would be too much for you to deal with, so he looks at porn. Neither of you would get much work done, and both of you would get quite sore, I'm sure.

My comment about the romance novels was sarcasm. You two really need to have a serious talk about this. Now that I've explained guys and hormones and guy sex, do you understand he is not replacing you? As I guy, I think my own sex drive can be a bit annoying, because it gets so high on some days. And I've only had ONE girlfriend that could actually keep up with me in bed, I wanted sex so much. I simply had high hormones for decades. My hormones are FINALLY going down a bit and it's actually kind of nice to want sex less.

[Lover14]

yeah i kind of understand,just feels crap that we used to be having it like twice a day and now its once a week. but i guess ill have to try and talk to him again. thanks.

[smackie9]

Listen to your friends, they know you better than we do and your situation. If you are not happy, and he wasn't compliant with your request, then that shows you he doesn't value your relationship, so get out....leave him.

[smackie9]

I hope you have read through the threads about porn. It doesn't have to be an issue unless, like you said has increased, and your sex life has decreased...then porn is a problem. Sometimes a relationship has just ran it's course, instead of dealing with it, all he is doing is ignoring it by being more involved with porn......he is using it as an escape. Yes do talk to him, maybe he has lost feelings for you or doesn't want to be in a committed relationship.....or worse it's becoming an addiction. Communication is key. If he doesn't cooperate and blows your accusations off, then it would be a good idea for you to leave him.

[bulrush]

yeah i kind of understand,just feels crap that we used to be having it like twice a day and now its once a week. but i guess ill have to try and talk to him again. thanks.

OH, I didn't realize it was that bad. Yes, this is when porn IS a problem. So you need to talk to him and tell him WHY it's a problem. If you aren't getting your physical or emotional needs met, then we have a problem. If he doesn't understand and address your needs to, then he is immature. If you work with him and he won't change, get a new boyfriend, because you cannot change him.

So, you want to have sex, but he would rather watch porn? Wow, I'd never do that. I love being with my girlfriend. I love feeling close to her and talking to her after. I mean we both like porn, but we love each other so much, we never watch it when we are together. lol. We simply love being together. I'm just trying to show you an example of a healthy relationship, that's all.

[Yet another guy]

Oh and our sex life is gradually decreasing which im not happy about! What should i do!?!

Fix your sex life first. Then he won't have to resort to porn.

[HeartIsAching]

Listen to your friends, they know you better than we do and your situation. If you are not happy, and he wasn't compliant with your request, then that shows you he doesn't value your relationship, so get out....leave him.

Yeah absolutely. Since he didn't comply with your controlling demand, you should leave him. Hopefully before you do much more damage to him.

[smackie9]

Hey I'm not against porn but if you are not happy with the way things are, maybe you two are not compatible. I disagree that turning to porn is because sex sucks. If sex sucked that bad he would be ending the relationship to find someone who is better.

[toshiba]

All my friends are telling me to leave him, but i love him...

GF's tend to agree with their GF's "yeah, he sucks, get rid of him, you DESERVE better, bla, bla, bla" "You're not fat at all", lol. At least he's using porn as his outlet and not someone else!

Sex from a couple times a day to once a week does raise a red flag though. Talk to him about it.

I jerk off to porn images a couple times a day, but have sex with my GF a couple times a day the days we are together. She would rather I not look at "pictures of other women".

[romantic_guy]

Fix your sex life first. Then he won't have to resort to porn.

I don't think she needs to fix anything. She is ready, willing, and wants to have sex with him. He is the one that is choosing porn over her.

This is so difficult because porn can become an addiction. As with any addiction, you will sacrifice anything, your job, your relationships, to get the next high. And don't underestimate the high that porn brings. Here is a great article on the subject:

[url=http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201107/porn-induced-sexual-dysfunction-is-growing-problem]Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction Is a Growing Problem | Psychology Today[/url]

The hard part is that is is legal and readily available. It seems that you need to set boundaries with him. Let him know that if he wants to choose porn over you then that is fine, but you cannot be in a relationship like that. So he needs to make the choice. Once he makes that choice, then you need to decide shat you will do. Unfortunately, this will not be easy.

[toshiba]

My main "problem" with porn is the conditioning effect it has on me as a result of looking at very specific images and only those images. Those specific physical features make me SUPER turned on, and less attracted to any deviation from that. Now, if my SO has those features that's awesome, if not I wish for different.

[Lover14]

I don't think she needs to fix anything. She is ready, willing, and wants to have sex with him. He is the one that is choosing porn over her.

We had a bit of an argument about it last night, and ive just found that he went on it last night when i was upstairs. He refuses to admit he's got a problem and continues to say i need to 'get over it', then as soon as i cry or get upset he says he'll stay away from it. Tired of hearing the same thing. So i've text him saying we need to talk when he finishes work. Urgh, really nervous..i know whats going to have to happen :/

But thanks for all the advice guys.