I'm being ridiculous, right?

[annabella007]

Hi all,

I'm just looking for a little validation, or advice, or something. Recently, I've been feeling quite jealous about my boyfriend's female friends. Not all of them, only two. It seems like every other day there are more photos of him on facebook posted by one of them. He hangs out with these girls with a group of his friends often. Last week, we went to a party together and I met them (I attend and live at a different university) and they were nice enough. They didn't make any conversation with me, though- only continued to hang around my boyfriend and take pictures of and with him.

Maybe this is why: he has told me before (and sometimes jokes with his friends) that he thinks Asian girls are adorable and pretty. I am not Asian, they are, so maybe I'm making it up in my head?

I hate that I feel a pang of sadness/jealousy everytime he mentions that he spent the day with these girls. I feel like a terrible girlfriend when I do. I was thinking of just mentioning to him that I feel uncomfortable about it, but only bring it up that one time. Like "Hey, I don't want to nag you about this, but I just need to say it once to get it out of my system. I'll try not to bring it up again." I feel like if I just say it to him I might feel less want to fight about it.

What do you guys think? Should I just throw it out there but not hassle him about it? I really do not think he would cheat on me, but just the time they spend together and the attention they (specifically one of them) show him. Or should I try to supress it and hope it goes away?

Thanks so much for your time and advice! I know I tend to be long-winded!

[annabella007]

We are both in our early 20s and have been dating 2 and a half years, if that helps at all.

[misombra]

either shut up and deal with it or get out. there's no other way.

[annabella007]

Well, we have been dating for a long time and I do love him, so I guess I'll have to take the "shut up" option. It's just a little tough, y'know? But thanks for the reply!

[misombra]

well, good luck with that!

[Dune]

If it bothers you a lot, just talk to him about it. Let him know, and get it off your chest so to speak. Then, you'll have the comfort of knowing that you've spoken your mind and that he understands how you feel, and if he's considerate, he'd do something about it.

Couples should be able to talk about stuff like this to each other. Good luck!

[workingman78]

He should be able to take your feelings into account, it isn't like you are asking him to quit hanging with his friends. You aren't asking too much, would he appreciate you dry humping a guy on the dance floor? Probably not.

[misombra]

i think she's desperately trying to keep him her drilling him over two hot fresh out of the oven asian chicks is not going to help her.

[Dune]

She has to let him know that she has a problem with it as it is affecting her quite a bit. Ignoring it won't make the way she feels go away, and at least telling him makes for opportunity for things to be different, and hopefully more favourable to her. And if the guy respects her and makes her feel better by "adjusting" his attitude towards those asian chicks, hey, gold star for the guy. But if he proceeds to bang those chicks, he isn't worth keeping around anyway.

[annabella007]

I wouldn't say that he is "banging" them by any means, lol. But, yes, I will not ever tell him not to hang out with his friends. He has other female friends that I am just fine with. I just know that these girls get flirtatious, which is what makes me uncomfortable. I don't like all the facebook updates/photos these girls post about/of him. I more just want to get it out, not fight about it or demand anything. And yes, I have male friends at Uni, although mentioning it makes me feel even more ridiculous for feeling unsettled about this. : ) I don't think it will be too much of a problem, I just wanted some validation that I am normal for wanting to mention it so badly.

[workingman78]

i think she's desperately trying to keep him her drilling him over two hot fresh out of the oven asian chicks is not going to help her.

Maybe not, but if he cares, he may want to know that this is hurting her feelings. Guys are dumb that way.

[kitty001]

just tell him how you feel. if he cares about you, he will act in ways to relieve your stress and assure you that you have no reason to worry.

[bulrush]

First you should talk to your bf about how you feel and see what he says. If he ignores your feelings, and doesn't at least acknowledge them, he's immature.

The other thing is you should ask yourself why you are so insecure. You're pretty young and inexperienced, so a lot of insecurities come from that. But insecurities come from other sources too, like bad past experiences with other guys.

Or should I try to suppress it and hope it goes away?

These things never "go away", they always come back. Hence my advice to deal with it somehow, maybe get a counselor involved. Sure you don't know me and don't know if I'm giving good advice. But I've been there, and dealt with my own baggage. If I can do it, you can too. Or you can ignore my advice, get 3 divorces, and go through life always heart broken because your insecurities make you nag your boyfriends.

[annabella007]

Just talked to him, everything's fine. He said that he understands my feelings and that I can always tell him when I'm uncomfortable. He also told me that he doesn't think that telling him about my feelings once is nagging. I'm actually really glad that I talked to him in terms of how I'm feeling and not in a blaming or controlling way. It's all about the "I" and not about the "you" words. : ) I think this is a reminder that we are both pretty mature about this stuff (other than the fact that I ran to an online forum about it, lol!)

Thanks for all of the advice. I was always aware that it is an insecurity issue on my end, but I am working on not needing to constantly run to my boyfriend for validation of my worth. It's tough, but I've already shown myself that it's possible by not starting a fight with him over something like this. Thanks again!

[devonbrown]

Glad that the conversation went well. Keep that in mind for future disagreements with him, because they will occur. But overall it was very mature of you to recognize the obvious insecurity in yourself that caused the uneasiness about these girls and that you handled it in an adult manner. You should be proud of yourself for managing it well.

Now, if your boyfriend takes this knowledge and starts hanging posters of Lucy Lu on his dorm wall just to mess with you, I would take this as a red flag.

Good luck.