I'm a Widow who Needs Advice Please

[Amber2011]

I was widowed earlier this year. My late husband had a bad heart for years, took a second major heart attack at the beginning of February. He spent 3 months in hospital and died less than two weeks after discharge of something completely different that no-one, not even himself knew about. In some ways it was a blessing in disguise because he would have been severely disabled. He was a comparatively young man, only in his mid 50s (as I am) and his heart problem, chronic heart failure would have been slow and increasingly painful for him so I am glad he was spared that suffering.

However, for the past 5 years we had not been getting on. I would have left him long ago but had nowhere to go so stayed and put up with his mainly verbal and mental abuse (know now that it was probably due to the illness but didn't realise it at the time) so I'd fallen out of love with him a long time ago.

He passed away in May this year. Sorry if this sounds cruel but after the initial shock I felt relieved. I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. Friends have said there is no longer a nasty atmosphere in our house.

One of my closer friends suggested I join a dating site so I did, only looking for friends. There is one man I have been writing daily with for the past 3 months. He often writes several times a day and now wants to meet me in person.

My problem is other people. Some think I should still be mourning for my late husband, that I should be in floods of tears all the time. I am not. I am a positive person who has picked herself up, dusted herself down and is getting on with life and they don't know what went on behind closed doors. Life with my late husband was not pleasant, in fact, it was a nightmare at times. He had been married before and was just as bad with his previous wife (I have seen the divorce papers which I found when going through his personal effects).

I would like to meet this man who has trusted me enough to give me his phone number although I haven't called him yet. He is very happy to meet in a public place but if a relationship were to develop (we might meet and decide we don't like each other after all) there are some people who won't like it. I tentatively broached the dating subject to one friend who's response was that my husband wasn't cold in his grave and seemed quite shocked that I might even think about meeting someone else.

Am I wrong? I feel that in the past few months I have started to live and become myself again, have regained my confidence and sense of humour which over the past few years got lost somewhere

Why do some people make it so difficult for a widow (or widower) to rebuild their lives?

Your opinions will be greatly appreciated.

[Wakeup]

What you do with your time and when you do it, is no one's business but your own. That being said, please take it very slowly with anyone you meet. Don't be naive by having the impession that all men are going to be genuine and kind automatically. Make them prove to you that they are before giving them your heart. No need to be fearful or jaded.. just cautious until they show you in actions that they are genuine, truly single to date and value you as a person.

Your "friends" don't have to know your every move nor do they get to say what your moves should be. If they give you a hard time simply explain to them what you so candidly explained to us. With that in mind, don't fall into the same trap again. Don't stay with an man who is abusive in any manner. Immediately tell him that you don't accept that and bid him adeu before you're in too deep.

Good luck and happy dating.

[MerryH]

there are some people who won't like it.

Who? Friends and family? They don't get to have a say in what you do. If it's your children, that's another story. Their age and reliance on you would factor, but you didn't mention kids, so I assume you're childless.

Why do some people make it so difficult for a widow (or widower) to rebuild their lives?

They enjoy passing judgment to feel superior? Bored with their own lives so they stick their nose into yours? Jealous that you're free and single? Who cares. They don't matter. They don't even need to know your business until it's relevant to them, which is...possibly never?

Anyway, sorry for your loss, but please start enjoying your renewed confidence and sense of humor. That's a really great thing! Go have a life and meet nice men.

[bulrush]

My problem is other people. Some think I should still be mourning for my late husband, that I should be in floods of tears all the time. I am not.

You said you fell out of love a long time ago. So it sounds like you are ready to date. If your friends are judgemental, maybe they are not really your friends. Do they know you fell out of love a long time ago? That's an important piece of information they may not have.

He is very happy to meet in a public place but if a relationship were to develop (we might meet and decide we don't like each other after all) there are some people who won't like it.

Are you living your life for you or for someone else? If you like this man, and you have a clear head, then date him and see what happens. And don't worry about the judgemental people I mentioned above.

1. So yes. Enjoy your time with a new man, but be cautious.
2. Don't give him your heart before you know him well, and you know his intentions.
3. Ignore any gifts he gives you, and ignore what he says. His actions will tell you his intentions. Any man/woman can fake love and attention by giving gifts.

[surfhb]

Do they know you fell out of love a long time ago? That's an important piece of information they may not have.

Thats the best way to deal with those people

[devonbrown]

When you go to sleep at night, are those people in your bed? When you wake up, are those people in your head? When you shower, pray, and eat, are you cleaning those people, inside those people's minds, or giving those people nourishment?

You have one obligation in life - to take care of yourself. If other people have different opinions about things, so what? And if they would stop being your friend if you didn't act the way they wanted you to act, do you really want to be friends with them in the first place?

Everyone grieves differently. And everyone has an opinion about things. Just tell your friends that you appreciate their care and concern but it is your life and you have to live it the way you see fit.

Good luck.

[Benni]

You do what you feel! When my abusive husband died, I dropped to my knees, cried my eyes out-- from relief, and thanked God for taking him. Everyone who knew us also knew what he was like and they were still shocked at my reaction. I didn't care. Those were my feelings and I expressed them.

Your situation may not be as bad as what mine was but you are still entitled to your feelings and your needs. Do what you need to do for yourself.

[Amber2011]

Many thanks for your replies. You are right. If other people disapprove, then that's their problem, not mine. I don't have much family, only my wonderful brother and my son and daughter. My brother is a non-judgemental person and has been an absolute star in more ways than one over the years. My daughter has her own family and lives hundreds of miles away. She's of the opinion, if Mum's happy then fine. My son (he's 25) has also been a star, very supportive. His attitude is if I like this man and we get on, good luck to us. All he's asked is when I meet this man (this weekend) that I phone him and let him know I'm OK. We are going to meet in town and go for a coffee as neither of us are drinkers but do enjoy nice coffee. He's left the venue for me to decide. As we've been writing a lot (I don't mention my late husband) he has been telling me more about himself. It would seem that he has had more than his fair share of tragedy in his life too. Maybe things will work out, maybe they won't but I'm willing - and ready - to try. If any of my friends don't like it, then maybe they're not friends at all. I would like to be friends with this man first and if something more develops then great, if not I have a friend

I will let you know how we get on later.

[Benni]

Yes, please let us know how things go for you! Good luck!

[IndiReloaded]

Amber, I am sorry for your loss. Both your husband's passing and the love that preceded it.

Life is for the living. I can't think of anything sadder than losing two people's lives for the price of one. Go date this man with hope. Enjoy yourself, using the wisdom your years have earned you. There is yet time.

PS - kudos for raising what sound like two very sensible children.

[SunRiver]

You don't owe ANYONE excuses or apologies. End of story. You owe YOURSELF happiness.

[Kaius]

Go date this man... Make sure he is a good man...then have LOTS OF SEX. This will make you happier, and forget about all the crappy stuff.

[Amber2011]

Thanks Kaius. He's texting me a lot now. As for the sex - that can wait. I'm "old school" in that department although I know times have changed - I haven't changed with them LOL. The relationship would have to be right before I'd sleep with him, no matter how long that takes. Have to admit I'm getting really nervous about meeting him. Feel like a young teenager going out on a first date LOL. I suppose he feels the same. Oh well. We'll either like each other or we won't. Will let you all know how things go tomorrow. Wish me luck.

[vashti]

I agree with all the advice that has been posted here, and want to wish you good luck! Just be careful with your heart; you never know what you are going to get until you meet someone in person.

[Amber2011]

As promised, I said I'd let you all know how things went. Very well. He is a really nice man and conversation flowed. There were no awkward pauses. We went to a cafe in town that serves nice coffee. We sat outside all afternoon (it was a lovely day here). He says he would like to see me again. I said I would like that. Something else happened. You know the scenario of one thing leads to another. While we were sitting chatting, a former colleague spotted me and came up to chat. He was unaware that my husband had died and was quite shocked when I told him. Now, at the moment, I am not working and I'm really struggling financially. Turns out, one of our other former colleagues has started his own business and needs a secretary. We've worked together before so I have to contact him on Monday If I hadn't agreed to meet my gentleman, I would not now have a prospective job in the offing. Funny how fate sometimes steps in isn't it.