moving forward in relationship?

[gigigi]

hi, i've recently been encountering an issue in my relationship and really appreciate your advice!
my bf and i have been together for almost 5 years now. it's been a rocky road at times, but overall we click really well, have a great time, and have similar interests/goals, and i view him as "the one" for me. he's a really special and awesome person and we really love and respect each other. we went through a rough patch about a year ago and i wasn't sure if the relationship would work out. however, we worked through it and have been in a really good place since the summer. over the summer, we talked about moving in together in the near future, and he said that he wanted us to get engaged, married, and maybe even have kids in the next 5 years. i said that's what i wanted too. i recently finished school and my career might take me out of our current city. i am happy to move because i don't like this city where we are living, but because of some family issues he has been back and forth over whether he would be ok with moving. over the summer, we discussed it and didn't really come to a conclusion- it was hard since it's hypothetical at this point, but we agreed that our priority is to be together and we are each willing to make sacrifices to make it work.
so....this fall i was expecting that we would move in together, but now he has seemed reluctant and nervous about doing so. i brought this up with him, and he said he's nervous as he hasn't lived with a gf before. i guess i understand being nervous, but we're not young kids (in our late 20s) and i feel like if he's serious about moving forward in the relationship, it's been 5 years- i don't really understand what he's waiting for at this point. it makes me feel like he doesn't really want to move forward with me and has doubts. it's frustrating because he's the one who brought up wanting to move in together and all the other stuff about marriage and kids, and now he's acting like i'm pressuring him or he's so stressed out by the idea. over the summer, he applied to go back to school and was accepted to the program. he also recently started a new job, and we have not been seeing each other as much. i understand his being busy and i don't want to be too demanding, but i feel frustrated by the situation and i feel like old issues are resurfacing between us. for example, he will choose to go to the gym for a really long time instead of making time to see me (when we have not seen each other all week), or be 2 hours late for coming to my house, and i will just be waiting and waiting. it makes me feel like i'm not a priority anymore. we are going to temporarily be long distance this winter, as i am doing contract job for several months, and i'm getting nervous like if it's like this now, not seeing each much when we're in the same city, what is it going to be like then?
i have hesitated to bring this up with him because i'm having trouble gauging whether i'm being obnoxious or demanding- i guess i just was really expecting to follow through on moving in together and so on and i'm sad that it's not happening....i want to feel like we're building a future together and instead feel like we're stuck in a rut...

[Dune]

Strictly my opinion.. I think he's scared to grow up. Maybe the whole moving in together thing is like a huge thing to him and he probably feels that he's in the 'there's no going back' place. Maybe him going back to school is a clue that he's not ready to "grow" up?

[gigigi]

thanks for your reply dune! i think it is a fear of growing up...as for his going back to school, he had some family stuff to deal with when he was younger, so wasn't able to go then. i actually encouraged him to go back and get his degree so that he can advance faster at work and have more opportunities. he has told me that he has trouble with change and is scared that moving in will be like the end of youth/fun etc. i am trying to be understanding, but i'm getting frustrated with the situation we've been through a lot and i feel like it's always the same scenario of me being understanding and forgiving to him- but i don't want to paint an unfairly negative picture, he has been a great bf to me in other ways (support, affection, humor, we have a great time together) and has really made an effort, especially in the last year or so. i guess i'm wondering if it's worth it to try to bring this up with him again or if being with him will always involve just waiting for him...

[bulrush]

I also think he's afraid to grow up and do "grown up" things. And he's letting his fear control him. I don't think you are being too demanding. It's been 5 years. Time for him to cook or get out of the kitchen! I had the same fears, but I faced them, and moved in with my gf a long time ago. It didn't work out but at least I faced my fear.

but i feel frustrated by the situation and i feel like old issues are resurfacing between us. for example, he will choose to go to the gym for a really long time instead of making time to see me (when we have not seen each other all week), or be 2 hours late for coming to my house, and i will just be waiting and waiting. it makes me feel like i'm not a priority anymore.

I still see this as him ignoring his fears by ignoring you. I don't think he is good marriage material for you. I'm willing to bet there are other childish things he does.

[gigigi]

bulrush, thank you for your reply! i think you're definitely right that he is being childish, ignoring his fears by ignoring me. i do not want to give up on him/the relationship at this point...i think i will try to bring the issue up with him and see what he says...

[love guru]

i think the he luvs u a lot... he has hit a emotional patch... dont worry he will recover... he feels afraid whether he will be able to take proper care for u... whether he is good and responsible enough to start a family... its a emotional problem and can be experienced even if you are in late 20's... give him some time and reassure him.... do not confront him...

[gigigi]

love guru thank you...i saw him this morning and i also felt that it wasn't right to confront him about this, like he is obviously very stressed about the situation and confrontation will just create distance between us...this is a tough time for us both career-wise and i will wait and see how things develop...

[love guru]

hmmm yeah its a tough time for both of you... but hopefully it will be ok soon... i am sure he will recover soon... he just needs some time, understanding and love....

[Sweet Lemon]

It's been 5 years. Time for him to cook or get out of the kitchen!

I agree with Bulrush. 5 years is more than enough time to sort your emotional dramas out and commit. I think if this guy isn't willing to even show up on time when you only get to see each other once a week that's a pretty big indication that you shouldn't be putting your life on hold for him. Also why is he going to the gym on your night together when there are 6 other days in the week in which to work out? I work out 3 nights a week and at home on the other two and I still have plenty of time for my partner. It sounds like a convenient excuse to distance himself from you in light of your impending relocation. Move to where you want to live and take your career down the path it needs to go down. You already told him this was a possibility and what does he do? Enrols in a school in your current city. That sends up a pretty big red flag for me. It seems like he's quite content to stay put. You don't want to regret moving forward with your life just because he is drowning in his own emotional immaturity/selfishness. Definitely talk to him about it and if he's still not willing to compromise on the issue I'd say it's time to ditch him and focus on yourself because it sounds like you're the one willing to give this relationship everything you've got and you deserve the same in return.

[bulrush]

Gigigi,
Remember, you cannot change him. But you can help him if he wants to change. But the change has to start with him. Do not waste your time trying to change someone who does not want to change.

[gigigi]

thank you for your advice...a lot to think about. i am continuing to move forward with my career plans and i guess i will have to see how things develop in terms of our relationship and his attitude...not feeling ready to confront him about it now...