would you consider this an emotional affair

[Mallory]

I try to write this down as short as possible.

my boyfriend writes a lot of text messages to the best friend of his cousin lately (he visits his cousin often and she is there a lot so there is where she sees her, so they became friends). They have been writing a few messages sometimes when she was still with her boyfriend but since she broke up with him they message each other a lot at all times of the day. He even does it when I am at home with him while he is sitting in his room and I am in the living room.

What I found was between 5 - 20 messages a day. Sometimes they start writing in the morning at about 8:30 and exchange messages about every half hour until late afternoon. They talk about very normal things like what they are going to make themselves to eat (seperately), buying a new mobile phone, what it was like when she went out the other day, about him having lost weight, what they are watching on tv, she is asking him what he is doing, he tells her he has been driving around and she tells him he can tell her next time so she will accompany him since she is bored a lot anyways...
They also spent a night talking to each other in her car a while ago and he lied about where he really was because he didn't want to make me jealous (I admit I am a rather jealous person, since he once broke up with me out of the blue).

I am rather sure that nothing sexual was going on but I think that he might want to have sexual contact if she wants to. She is single now and I think she just enjoys his attention, nothing more - maybe this is why nothing happened so far.

When I told him that I think that much contact is weird, he told me that he is not at all attracted to her. In my opinion he even exaggerated about how unattractive he thinks she is. She is not as slim and as tall as me (which he claims he does not like), but she has a pretty face and she is a nice and funny, so I can imagine that he is attracted to her.

So what do you think, is the contact they have normal?
Can you call this an emotional affair?

thanks a lot in advance

[Dune]

TBH, I don't know whether it's an emotional affair or not, but hell if I'm in your shoes, it would be uncomfortable as hell. Personally, I find it bothersome if my partner smses someone whom is of the opposite sex very very often. I dunno, it's just me.

[Leona77]

There is no exact definition of what an emotional affair is. The closest definition is that it IS an affair when one of the partners feels cheated.

In your case it definitely IS an emotional affair! You know why? Because you start to feel like it is to say the least. He shares his opinions, actions and feelings with her& spends a lot of energy and time to exchange sms describing events throughout the day.

They also spent a night talking to each other in her car a while ago and he lied about where he really was because he didn't want to make me jealous

Excuse me? And you are still not sure if this is an affair? Oh I bet you it is. Hiding stuf from his girlfriend and confiding with some other girl is definitely breaking of relationship boundaries. You are not comfortable with it and if he respects your feelings he should stop his communication altogether. She is not so important to him so it should not be a problem. If he objects to stopping all contact, it means that he cares more about how she would feel than how you feel. Even if he is not attracted to her (which I am not sure is true) it still is emotional cheating, which is not ok.
It's up to you to decide what to do!
Good luck

[Mallory]

Thank you Leona77 and Dune.

He tries to make me feel as if I am the one acting too jealous, but like you said Leona77, if she wasn't that important to him it wouldn't be a problem to stop the contact, but it seems that she is very important to him.

I had a big fight with him about this and moved out of our home since a few days. I even told him that I feel so betrayed that I think about breaking up. He wondered why I would want to break up over such a stupid thing and didn't seem to take it all so serious. He did not try to stop me when I left and he didn't contact me.

It seems like he is pissed at me for not believing him that there is nothing but a friendship. But I wonder if he truly loved me he would just call and tell me that I am more imporant to him than her and that he will just stop.

Somehow I feel that breaking up would be the only right thing, but I just want to be sure that I have no other choice.

Its good to know that you don't think this is 'normal' either.

[Leona77]

He wondered why I would want to break up over such a stupid thing and didn't seem to take it all so serious.

If he thinks this is normal and that he would be fine if you did the same with another guy, then obviously your 'ralationship boundaries' are very different.
He either does not realize or pretends not to resalize that having an ''emotionally close'' female friend is a ''slippery slope'.Next time they sit in his car with possibly music on and they share a very 'connected' moment during their conversation,what do you think can happen?He can easily find himself in a situation to kiss her, which is why thay should not nurture this ''friendship''.

''It seems like he is pissed at me for not believing him that there is nothing but a friendship.''

If it were nothing but a friendship, he should have told you he is meeting her straight away. But he didn't! instead, he decided to hide it from you & now he is making you feel paranoid for not believing him. It's such a clear example of manipulation. Don't let him make you doubt your gut feeling. It's ALWAYS the right thing!
He is slowly becoming addicted to her & can't think clearly or pretends to not see things clearly! Only you can tell which one it is. Either is not good, though...

[Leona77]

(I admit I am a rather jealous person, since he once broke up with me out of the blue).

Then again, when I read this, why would you want to give him a second,let alone third chance?
Breaking up out of the blue is where your relationship should have ended.

[love guru]

if he hides it from you... then it might be a emotional affair... keep ur eyes openly.. though it might also be friendly chat...

[searock]

Yes it is an emotional affair. He is just waiting for you to break up with him cause he hasn't got the balls to do it himself apparently. Otherwise he would have contacted you after you moved out. I bet the first thing he did was text his cousin's friend telling her all about what had just happened, asking for advice and support etc. She is his emotional support, not you. You deserve better!

[Marioneta]

I've been there...I feel for you. It's unfair from his side and shows no respect when he insists that you trust him, or else you're paranoid, when he has a close relationship with another girl. I've been exactly on your position girl with my boyfriend recently. He wants me to express myself and let him know if I feel bad about something. So, I thought that he was hiding something from me, sms and messages between him and a friend of his, it was obvious, and even though I'm sure nothing is happening between them, I just didn't like the idea of hiding it. What and why has he got the feeling that he has to hide something from me?? So, I let him know about it and how I felt and all of a sudden he was like "you're paranoid! You're such a jealous person! I don't think I can be in such a relationship being with someone spying on me, etc etcm you havd to trust me". What an idiot. You can't expect someone to trust you when you're acting like flirting or having close friendships with other girls that you want to hide. His reply on the hiding thing was that he didn't want to upset me because he thinks I'm a jealous person. BS. Frustrating. Give him some chances, you know how many you can afford. And if he keeps doing this and on the same time accuse you of being paranoid over "such a small thing", then dump him, and find someone else who is going to respect you and have you free of those awful feelings. Anyway, I WILL do like that if a similar situation comes up again and he calls me paranoid again. Good luck